My husband is very selfish, often misreads my actions/words, doesn't ever have empathy or sympathy for other people.  Put it this way...someone dies...he'll laugh.  He also is highly defensive and always looking to argue.  He likes it...I think he's comfortable being angry.  He's very disrespectful to me...not sure why I still stay.  Do people with ADHD have low Emotional IQ? 

He seems to have difficulty building depth and truth in relationships...he often thinks I'm the enemy.  I'm often told I'm weak, too sensitive...its always something and never calm and miscommunication is at the 90% level.  Even when we try to talk something out, he can't control himself from being angry, mean and blaming me.  No matter how nice I try to speak and all the apologies I utter (to the point I don't even know why I'm sorry)...there is no stepping outside himself. 

Is there something wrong with my emotions or is it him?  Someone keeps attacking you and its kind of hard not to believe whats said...I'm smarter then that but I can't help but question myself anymore.  I've taken EQ tests and have scored very high...do ADHD people have lower EQ and are they able to improve on it?  Is there any hope for someone that grew up in a pretty unstable, emotionless, abusive environment to ever really feel?  Why does it take extremes to change and why do people with ADHD forget so soon about things that they may have improved on?  

Maybe I I'm searching for hope that it can get a little bit better.  I'm probably at the lowest point I've ever been...self esteem and confidence crushed.   I know the answers...why am I choosing to suffer and live this life?  I guess no one can answer that myself but I hope I figure it out soon.

My wife and I have been together for about two and a half years. We werent together for very long before we got married, as she had a three year old daughter and I wanted to quickly become her father. Many times she has told me she has ADD and has been on medication for it for many years. I never truly understood what the effect of the ADD was on our marriage.

We have had many problems in our short marriage and until recently we have been able to get past them, but for the past few months she has had frequent mood swings and many times has become angry for what I see as nothing, and is constantly walking a string of wanting to stay in the marriage and wanting to get away. I don't know what I can do. I am in therapy myself, as is she, and we are in couples counseling. All these things are helpful to an extent, but things seem to be getting worse.

I dread her coming home at night, I am stressed every minute of the day because I never know how she will be feeling at any given time and what her feelings will lead her to do. One day she will be so incredibly disconnected and not want to talk, the next she might want a lot of comfort and contact, the next day she could be angry at me for something I did, or it could be nothing. And it changes. Its impossible for me to comfortably give her the comfort, contact and intimacy that we both need because I am constantly on edge.

We did finally have a talk last night and she told me that many times when she is angry or sad or whatever the extreme emotion is, she is not that emotion AT me, but at something else and it just comes out at me. It is impossible for us to relate to each other as all she sees are her feelings and what she perceives and as hard as I try to be patient and understanding and get some grip on what is going on with her, it seems to change so much that its impossible. She freely admits to having ADD and it being fairly serious, but doesn't seem to feel that she is to blame for any of the effect that has on the marriage. What do I do? How can I cope with this? It has been recommended that I give some distance, but knowing that she is walking this line of wanting to leave, or disconnecting, that makes me incredibly nervous. Has anyone else experienced these kind of swings and extreme emotions? Could it be the medications? Thanks.

For the last 20 years, vacations with my ADD husband have been a nightmare.  I've sworn several times that I would never take a vacation with him again.  We tried taking separate vacations, overlapping vacations, and mini-vacations in order to try to finesse this problem, but none of these were very satisfactory for various reasons.  There are a lot of things we like about vacationing together, so we'd try again to make it work.

Several things that we've implemented in the last several years contributed to the success of this most recent vacation.

• We've been going to the same two places each year, so we are able to establish a certain amount of familiarity with the location, lodgings, etc. -- i.e. creating a certain degree of routine and structure
• We try not to pack the vacation full of activities -- allow enough time flexibility in the holiday so there are few, if any, time pressures -- some days are for just vegetating!
• My husband uses his PDA to note problems that arise on vacation -- he reviews these before and during our vacation so that he is more aware of these potential problems and can work to avoid repeating them
• Our kids are grown and so aren't with us throughout the vacation.  They sometimes join us for a couple of days, but we are not having to constantly also deal with their issues -- thus fewer demands on my husband's attention
• We make checklists for packing, for pre-vacation preparation, for end-of-vacation departure planning.  In some cases my husband makes a list himself and then I review it for completeness, in other cases we plan together.
• When considering activities, I come up with a "straw man" proposal, we discuss, maybe do additional investigation, and then decide how we want to proceed (i.e. if we want to do it, when and how).  My husband has a lot of trouble initiating things, and I enjoy putting the draft plan together, so this works well for us.
• My husband changed somewhat how he addresses my proposals.  A lot of times he doesn't care one way or the other about them.  When he would say so, I'd ask him what he *would* like.  Then he'd spend a lot of time considering, and often came up with answers that weren't inherently workable -- he'd end up disappointed, and felt like he'd put in a lot of mental effort for nothing.  Now instead if he doesn't care, he just goes along with my proposal, and he finds he enjoys himself at least that much that way, without all the expenditure of the mental effort and the subsequent frustration.

We've implemented these steps over a period of several years, and the vacations have gradually gotten better, but there have still been problems.  This year we didn't have a problem until the last 24 hours -- but since we'd had the same problem in the past, I was anticipating the possibility and was prepared to deal with it, so I wasn't stressed by it (and I think we've now dealt with it in a way that will keep it from recurring in the future).

I love the two places we've been vacationing year after year, but I must admit I've been longing to go to a couple of new spots as well -- but I'd been dreading it as well.  Now that we've figured out many of the issues my husband's ADD generates in vacation situations, I'm hoping that we can manage a trip to a new location in the near future.  Even if that ends up not working out, I'm tickled pink that we've found ways to make our standard vacations stressless!

hi everyone,

first of all i want to say that english is not my first language so forgive me if there will be some errors. this would be quite a long post so please bear with me.

i stumbled upon this site because i just recently thought that my boyfriend might have ADD/ADHD. my boyfriend said his sister was diagnosed with ADD when she's a kid. we've been having issues lately about communication so i approached a friend and talked to her about my problems. she mentioned that the same thing has been happening with her sister who's in a pseudo-relationship with a guy who has been diagnosed with it.

just a brief background, we are an interracial couple; he is an american sailor and i am a filipino IT engineer. we met in japan through a friend. first year of our relationship was fine. he's a sweet, caring guy but i really find him tactless or rude sometimes. we didn't have any major problem only until i had problems with my previous job. my employer was forcing me to resign and because of that, i was unable to spend time with him doing our regular thing. he expected that everytime he comes to my place, i would drop my problems and attend to his needs. there were times that he just avoided coming to my place, but i begged him to come because i just want him to listen. i felt so alone and i thought it was selfish of him to leave me like that in times of need but i was there for him everytime he needs me. because of that, i thought i shouldn't put up with his attitude and tell him what i want in a relationship.

he only started to see me again on a regular basis when he saw that i've been able to put my life back together without his help. reason i felt the hurdles in my life too was because he'd been staying at my place in a daily basis and bills grew bigger during his stay. as i do not want him to think i'm using him for his money, i politely asked if he could just visit me like before -- every weekend. he took offense and said he wants to see me sometimes. so i asked him if he could pay me the excess of the bills i usually account for myself. but he always expects me to pay for his food and the things in my place he wanted me to buy for his convenience. needless to say, i've been struggling with the finances. but ever since i got a new job, i told him that i need to save money for myself so we would have to go dutch.

we've been okay again until he switched departments in his job. he moved to customer service and moved out in town to live on his own. it put a lot of stress on him and a hole in our relationship.

one major incident was, he asked me to shop for furniture one time for his place. i can speak japanese so he thinks it would be easier if i am around. there was a sofa on sale but it's asian style so he didn't like it. i was telling him the benefits of buying the sofa now rather than buy something else later which would be a lot expensive. he got angry and demanded me to pay half of the sofa and stuffs he bought for his place. i told him he just asked me for help, i didn't want to spend my money and i am not living with him so i don't see the point of giving my share. plus, it wasn't my idea to move out. we got in a heated argument in the department store. he was raising his voice so i raised my voice. he said i was putting him on the spot. i walked out of the department store to go back to his place and get my things. i told him i am not going to help him anymore with that attitude.

i was really furious that time because i cannot believe what he said. while we're walking i told him that i've never asked him for anything more when i was having problems of my own. he said i scarred him when i had my problem. i can't believe why he felt scarred when it was me who felt pain when he left me alone. i moved quickly and he just kept on walking like a kid, not realizing what he did wrong. when we came to his place, i got all my stuffs. he stopped me and said we would talk but i was too angry so i slapped him hard. i thought he would be angry but he said, "what have i done to you to be that mad?"

i cannot believe he didn't know! i was crying and prepared myself for the worse. i told him i cannot take it anymore. everytime we go out shopping, i have to make sure he's not angry or moody, pissed or whatever because he'd be angry at me. it doesn't help if i approach him nicely. he'd be rude no matter what. he didn't want me to leave so he hugged me tightly, almost suffocating. he begged me not to leave him and he said he would fix it. i told him, he cannot blame me for my problems that i did not ask for in the first place. it was not my fault. i pointed out he's being selfish because he disregarded what i feel and expected me to bend backwards for him. i gave him another chance.

here are the list of things he usually does that led me to think he might have one

- he forgets birthdays, special occasions and appointments

- he's always late and breaks his promises; for example he promised to come to my place, he would let me know the last minute to cancel our date. it is frustrating because i adjust my schedule for him even if i have to do something important

- he's never late for work but he's quite OC whenever he sets his cellphone alarm; he wants me to set a backup alarm, and he checks his for 10 minutes to make sure he had set it right.

- he's forgetful. we always fight about him forgetting something he mentioned to me. when i tell him, "this is what you said." he would argue and stick to his word. i seriously keep track of his emails to me just to prove him wrong. i have no proof when it's verbal.

- he cannot remember small details, even shopping for a simple grocery list. one time he said he bought pasta and sloppy joe's and i should make it. when i got home, there's no meat, no buns and even plates! i can't rely on him to do the grocery while i'm still at work because he'd always miss out an ingredient or buy a different one.

- he always imagine we are having an argument in his head. when he thinks i would get angry, he would become defensive. he knows i hate it when he leaves early on sunday. so he assumed i will get mad. he woke up early, bought the grocery and did not wait for me to decide what to eat anymore. when he came back he's mad at me for no reason.

i'm not sure what to do and if i still should continue with this. he's really sweet but when he's moody, he gets really moody. i opened up to him and asked him if he thinks he has ADD/ADHD. he said he thought about it because he cannot think straight, he hates school and he hates dealing with customers at work. there are times he wanted to talk back to the customers but he knows he can't because of his job. it's a bit scary for me, because he thinks i'm a pyscho and i would kill him in his sleep because of my frustration on him. i tried to breakup with him a lot of times, he always say that he would fix it. he doesn't want to get married anytime soon, and he hates kids which are really giving me more reason to leave. however he tells me, he would eventually marry me but not now.

i usually know what to do, but with him, it seems like there's no escape.