Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • ADD husband "needs time" to get used to it before he does anything about it... by: Questions 15 years 5 months ago

    My husband has (yet) undiagnosed ADD.  It's been 4 weeks since I handed him a list of symptoms and asked him what he thought...  This past year has been awful.  I believe that his ADD was masked as laziness until then but the changes and difficulties we've faced in this year and especially him being without regular work have really brought it out.  If we didn't have children (a toddler and one on the way) I would have probably left already.  When I started researching ADD I was actually quite excited.  I had tried all sorts of things to improve our marriage but nothing seemed to work and I felt very alone.  In my mind, if this is what it is, then at least there's hope for change. 

    I thought he saw it the same way (he agrees that it's likely he has it) but 4 weeks later he hasn't done anything...  He has an appointment to see a Dr. in 3 weeks for diagnosis.  He's tried emailing a few coaches but when they don't reply he doesn't follow through.  I've been spending all my spare time reading about ADD and how it affects marriage but he doesn't seem that interested.  He told me this morning that I need to stop pushing - that he needs more time to adjust to it and work though what this means for him.  Is this normal???  How long am I going to have to wait???  I thought he would be excited to have an idea of what's "wrong" and want to work at making it better.  Did anyone else go through a long period of their ADD spouse not being ready to take any action steps?  Did anyone else with ADD need a while to get used to the idea?  How long do I wait before I do something?

  • What about forgiveness? by: Clarity 15 years 5 months ago

    I've been thinking about forgiveness in ADD/HD relationships. My ADD spouse won't apologize about anything and yet insists that I have to forgive him which (sigh!) I always do. Over and over again... I'm finding, the need to protect myself somehow and choose to avoid conversations and situations that could provide yet another opportunity to forgive. I have to be very careful about what I say to avoid an angry retort. When he is angry, I try my best to respond and not react. This strategy is helpful but I cannot just relax and be myself. Forget social gatherings! Studies show that forgiveness eases stress but I have not read anything that addresses the wear and tear of chronic forgiveness. Evasive manuevers are stressfull too!

    When something especially hurtful occurs, I find I need time to both mourn and recover before I can let go. I just want to be far away from him and withdraw. There is no explaining the situation as he loses track of what was said or forgets what happened. I struggle at times to forgive myself for being unable to find a way to communicate with him but, it's just shoulda coulda woulda. I just want to go away and lick my wounds. He says I am too sensitive (maybe) and vengeful (not) but when it works, he calls me the ice queen too (hmmm).

    Any thoughts about forgiveness or coping with having to continually forgive?

     

  • Comparisons are Dangerous by: julesy80 15 years 5 months ago

    In my 3 years of being married to an ADHD spouse, I must constantly remind myself that I CANNOT compare my husband to other people and wonder why he doesn't match up.  Not only is he an individual, but trying to compare him to other non-adhd husbands is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole--won't work.  I can push and push and try to get him to change and ask him why he can't be "round" like everyone else, but he is a special person.  I'm not saying that there aren't things that he needs to work on...by any means!  But I have found myself unfairly comparing him to other people and wondering why he just doesn't "get it".  I have to learn to completely change my thinking and realize that he is unique and has his own struggles that make something that might be simple for another person very difficult for him.  It's a very hard learning process and I don't always remember to use that mentality.  Sometimes I forget that he is in fact different and I get so very angry at his immaturity and what appears on the surface to be laziness, and the constant response from him "I wasn't thinking".  If I had a dollar for every time he said that, I probably would be in a much better financial situation right now.  He struggles with keeping jobs and makes a lot of impulsive decisions and constantly baffles me with his logic.  But I can't expect him to be like me or anyone else for that matter.  I can't change him, so I have to learn how to change the way I think if this is ever going to work.  I can't see the future and I don't know if we can make it another 3 years or not without divine intervention.  But I do know that if I can't stop making comparisons, I will drive myself crazy and constantly be disappointed.  Not only that, but I am affecting his self-esteem in making him feel like he's not "normal".  I can see that he tries and he wants to do the right thing and make me happy and although those things don't pay the bills, they do mean a lot.  I just need to remember when I have to count to 10 with him that he is not my father or brother or friend or any other male figures I know.  He is himself and if I love him, it means I must love him as an individual.  I hope I can always remember that!

  • A little humor seems to be the only way I can live with this non ADD person "(the love of my life, my beautiful Daisy") by: willy 15 years 5 months ago

    I  am sure from the  title of my post you have figured out that i am the ADHD husband. Yep that is who I am, diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 61 years of age two years ago. All of the standard tests , criteriia, etc  that one could conceive of to diagnose ADHD, I can proudly state that I passed with flying colors. I am a guy that does not have a clue of  what it is like to be depresssed, I see beauty in everytrhing I see,whether it is a sunny day with blue skies, or stormy cloudy dark winter day with lots of thunder and lightning. I have had a wonderful rewarding and financially secure career as an engineer who is known to his peers as a person that seems to be able to easily think outside of the box. I can focus on a dime if I need to , or read a technical book from beginning to end in one sitting if feel like it. Yet other books I have tried to read, by the time I get to the bottom of the first page, I have forgotten what i read at the top of the page. Why have I been so successsful, in my career, I can honestly say that it is because how I am wired, I am MR ADHD. With that said so you know who I am, lets talk about my beautiful wife, who is really a saint to still be with me, she is the one that got me to seek help, she is the one whose life I have (unintentionally) made a living hell. This fact makes me feel quite sad, I wish, I had a majic wand that could erase her pain for ever. So today I stop feeling sorry for myself, and I start paying attention to her, ( she is non add, these types need our care) I wish she couold be like me, I wish every body could be ADHD, but alas, that  is a world only us true ADDERs couol conceive of. So I will do my best to take out the trash, to turn off the lights, to stop loosing my keys, to be home on time, to pick my socks up and put them in the hamper, to stop ignoring her ( to me I never have ignored her, or so I thought), to really let her know that I love her, by holdiing her an being intimate with her every second  that I am with her.("You do know intimacy is a big issue for these ""non add types and yes" and this  is where I have truly missed the mark) So ,when she  seems upset at you for missing the exit  on the highway after 4 tries  because you were distracted ,  or j you just could not get that thought about the juicy hamburger you just ate, loosen up, and tell her in loving way that you are sorry ( and really mean it, fellas she is "non add), they cant all be calm, cool and collective as we are in these types of situations, they wish they could, but they cant. The bottom line is,when I look in to her eyes, she is my calming influence, as long as she is happy,  my ADHD world is worth livin  in, I know if fall in the sand, she will pick me up dust me off, kiss me on the cheek, and encourage me to go on. How do I know this ? I know it because  this is what non ADD people do, this is who  she is, she has always done  this. So in summary, the good lord in all of his "wisdom  and "judgement" decided to wire me in this perfect way ,and I am not going fight his perfectiion) But there is no excuse to let this perfection create havoc in anybodies life, especially the best friend I have and will ever have, my beautilful wife, my sole mate, the love of my life. This is how I used to describe her to all of my friends, it is a bit said that I cant remember the last time I held her hand, looked into her beautiful eyes and expressed those words to her with utmost sincerity. OOps, I have taken to much of your time, got to go, got some explaining to do to you know who! 

  • Wondering if I can go on... by: aquariusmoon6 15 years 5 months ago

    I am at my wits end. I have spent the last 2 years on psych meds. I am a nuerotic mess. I feel like I never know what end is up and I had to do everything I could to stop for crying hysterically in the middle of the college library while reading everyones posts.

     

    My boyfriend of almost 2 years has ADHD. After I found that he has been complulsively looking at porn, I tried to confront him. Of course, everything got turned around on me. I am a very sexually open woman. I try so hard to please him but a lot of times he doesn't seem interested in sex with me but then he is looking a porn all the time. Whats wrong with me?!

    I feel unattractive, unwanted, unloved, and that he's more attracted to more exciting women than me. He's lied to other women about the relationship and then lied to me about the lies. He lies to his parents. He lies constantly and then he becomes OUTRAGED if someone calls him out on a lie. Even something small and insignificant.

    I've had self esteem issues. I  have had abandonment issues and 90% of the problems in the relationship are blamed on my problems. I've lost friends because of nervous breakdowns I have had over his lies. I've been medicated to the point of sedation. I can't stand people lying to me.

    He wants to try and make this work and so do I. I have a five year old daughter and they are so close and have grown to love each other so much. I love him. I don't want to loose him but i'm tired of feeling horrible. I have not had peace of mind in almost 2 years. I either by the grace of God have to find some way to live with this or I am going to have to leave.

    I love him so much. I love his family. I have no family of my own and they all have been so wonderful to me and think of my daughter as a granddaughter. He has stood by me through SOOOO much but the more sane I become the more I truely can't take this constant feeling of emptiness.

    He tries. He really does but I don't think he even realizes when he lies. I love him and I know he means well or at least I would like to think he does but I don't know what to do or where to turn for help.

     

  • ADHD / ADD and Tourettes - experience with meds by: Lost1972 15 years 5 months ago

    Hi everyboy,

    I was wondering if anybody in here has been diagnosed with ADHD / ADD and Tourettes and what medication has been working well for adressing the ADHD / ADD? 

    My spouse has been taking Concerta for 1 week, starting on a mininum dose but was told by the doctor to double it after 1 week. 

    While taking the initia dose, the tics increased somewhat, but my spouse felt better (she did think that in the end of the first week that the Concerta was wearing off).  After doubling the dose, the tics have increased very much.  The doctor said that this could happen, but there was also a possibility that the tics would decrease again.

    So what we are wondering, as stated above, what meds have been working well to adress the ADHD / ADD, when also diagnosed with Tourettes?

  • My 10-yr. old son asked me to leave his father! by: Jessa 15 years 5 months ago

    My husband was diagnosed with ADD a little over three years ago after 11 years of marriage.  His diagnosis and treatment came about not because he thought he had any problems but because I finally kicked him out of the house and changed the locks...due to his agressive behavior and verbal abuse, which both my sons witnessed from the time they were born.  After my husband was diagnosed by our therapist and put on Adderall, he began to at least try really hard to be a good partner and he is usually a really good father.  He is not always aware of the things he says and at night (when his meds wear off) he sometimes says things to the boys or yells at them for no reason or "because he is watching TV"!  There are constanct communication problems between us to the point that the boys (who are 10 and 5) get involved and take sides.  He also has sleep issues that he will not address.  He is not treating all of the issues that surround his ADD.  He takes the same medication and dosage that was prescribed three years ago with no adjustments and monitored by a GP...no recent counselling since he moved back in and no other therapy.  I have been doing a lot of research and reading on ADD and when I try to talk to him, he acts as if he already knows everything and he's just fine now.  He says I am the one who needs to "get over" the last fourteen years of anger and abuse because he has changed and I should give him credit for taking his meds at all.  There are days that are wonderful and days (like today) that are horrible.  There are times when he apologizes for the past and we discuss the negative impact that these behaviors are having on our children and he seems to really "get it".  We discuss parenting techniques....but there is no follow-through!  Then there are days when he is still in denial or where he will tell the boys their mother is "crazy" or "psychotic" and tell them he is leaving me.  He uses them as a tool to get back at me when he is angry.  This morning, he was getting ready for his "vacation" which consists of a week or more, every year, that he takes off to go deer hunting.  I should mention that 2/3 of his "vacation" time from work is spent on himself and the boys and I take  a lot of mini-vacations separate from him.  In the past this is always a problem as he doesn't actually "go" anywhere...he hunts on our property!  Which means he is in and out of the house and up at 5am regardless of whether the boys have school or I have work.  He usually wakes up the whole house.  He comes home at night, only to "go out with the guys" again..leaving the boys crying or upset because he doesn't spend time with them.  It is a disaster.  This year, we talked about options such as staying with a friend or relative and he agreed...until today.  This morning, at 5:30am he started banging around the house "getting ready" for this weekend.  When I tried to remind him of our discussion, he turned on me...he had not taken his meds yet.  It got pretty bad...with him yelling and calling me names and he even told the boys thier mother was a b***h who was ruining his life.  He told them that he was leaving because no one should have to live with someone like me.  He told them I was a bad mother and they deserved better.  When he left for work...my 10 yr. old told me that we shouldn't be married and asked me if I would divorce "Dad" so we could be happy.  My 5 year old said, "yeah daddy is really mean to you mommy and I hate him."  My 10 yr. old son said, "I know Dad has mental issues and I wish he would just get better...if you leave him maybe he will."  How do I handle this?  I dropped the boys off at school and then, finally, cried for an hour.....?  During the entire rampage this morning I tried to stay calm...but I admit that at the end I told him to get out and leave me alone (I actually shouted it).  This is not who I want to be and this is not what I want my boys to see.  They are going to model his behavior because he is their father.  I just don't know how to address this or what to do next.  How do you MAKE someone care enough to take the next step?  And what do I say to my boys? 

  • I have left my wife by: steveduch 15 years 5 months ago

    Aftre a year of marriage I have left my wife of one year. I have known her 3 years.  She tried once to take meds but it didn't do much for her.  She has occasionally used cocaine over the years and self medicated.  Now she has moved up to Crystal Meth and I just can't take it anymore.  I have always been known in my family as a patient, cool mellow guy whoi can roll with the punches.  This woman reduced me to a raving screaming maniac.  I hate her to be on such an addictive drug.  I understand it works for her. I can hear her cleaning the kitchen at 1AM AND doing a fine job.  Her 13 YO daughter heard me screaming to stop using this and was very upset.  My wife accused me of hurting a beautiful mother daughter relationship and told me to get out.  I was ready to anyway.  No matter waht you don't mess with a daughter and her kids.  There is no way I can go back to all the behavior that drove me crazy.  I would be willing to go through counseling while we are apart, but could not do that hard work.  But she has to get her ADD under control first, then maybe some counseling.  I'm doing individual counseling to get my head back together. 

     

    Anybody have similar experience and how did you handle it.  Thanks Much

     

     

  • Oh help me, this is just getting to be too much by: Cathryn 15 years 5 months ago

    Let me start off by saying, does anyone feel their ADHD spouse isn't truly "married" to them?  To my husband, it's like, we're legally married, but he does what he wants to do and doesn't regard the fact that we're a team, we're "one".  He makes decisions without discussing it with me first, he doesn't even think he needs to.  Well now we've got a whopper.  His father passed away last week and his family is already having all this talk about where their mother will live (she's in ok health but has epilepsy and can't live alone).  There's 5 kids in the family.  Two of them are daughters who live near their mother in California, both well off with large homes.  Then there's us in Georgia.  My husband brought up his mother living here and he knew I wasn't a huge fan, but we never made any decisions.  And guess what he lovingly does?  Offers her anyway!  We've got 2 young kids, trying for a 3rd (although I may end that now).  Our house isn't terribly big.  AND my mom already lives with us in our basement!  We'd have to turn our small dining room into a room for his mom.  I'm a stay at home mom, and my husband offers this, where it only affects me.  I'M taking care of her.  I'M driving her everywhere, cooking her meals, etc.  She's not the type to help much either.  My husband will not get out of his dream world and be a team with me.  He makes choices by himself, depsite how it affects me (as we can see).  This hurt me so incredibly bad.  And despite all the talking I've done with him, he still doesn't think he did a single thing wrong.  And he won't tell them she can't live with us.  We fly out Thursday for the funeral.  But I am so tempted to not go with him.  I want to see if being without me makes any difference to him.  I honestly don't think it will.  He doesn't "rely" on me, except for cleaning up after him, etc.  He needs a wake up call bad.  I don't want to divorce, but he NEEDS a wake up call.  Depsite it being selfish perhaps, I really am tempted to keep me and the kids home and him go to Cali by himself.  Emotionally, he'll be fine without me.  He doesn't have any emotions anyway.  He's been taking the death very well.  I made an "emergency" therapy appt for tomorrow PRAYING the therapist will get through to him.  I don't know what to do.  Should I go to Cali?  How should we handle all this?

  • Medication SIde Effects by: Sueann 15 years 5 months ago

    My husband takes Wellbutrin for depression and Concerta for ADD. He has gone through several ADD meds and had bad side effects-shaking hands, falling, lightheadedness. He's had some of that on Concerta too but felt like he could handle it. He was going to see a neurologist about it today.

    Today he was arrested! He was late to work (big ADD problem) and sped up to pass a truck, and got stopped for speeding. The cop noticed the shaking hands and gave him field sobriety tests, which apparently he did not pass, so he took him to the hospital for a blood test and arrested him for DWI. My poor husband was handcuffed and all. Of course, he was stone cold sober. The ironic thing was that he missed the appointment with a neurologist.

    He could lose his job if his boss decides he's not safe to drive to visit clients. It's a big requirement of the job.

    Do other people have these side effects on this drug? Should he stop taking it? It might be easier to deal with the ADD than the brushes with the law. 

    We were lucky to get another appointment with a neurologist today. He suggested stopping the Concerta for a month. He needs it so bad, and so does our marriage. I'm afraid if he did that, he'd lose his job. He had worse side effects on Adderall and Ritalin, and Vyvanse eventually stopped working for him.

    Any advice on this would be much appreciated.

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