So my ADHD partner decided to take me shopping today. That is usually a thing that makes me happy except when I am shopping with him I cant focus on the things i want to get. First of all he says I am taking you shopping then as soon as we get in the mall he started pointing out things he liked. That made me aggitated. It got even worse when I pulled him to the side and told him I wanted to focus on me. He then started to point out anything in the stores, meaning to me, I dont give a damn. He was really nice and after we left he took me to another store where i just got a dress. I'm happy I got one but i dont know if i like it or i just got it because he was all like you have to get a dress. I don't know how to react when i'm beign pressured to do something I usually love.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Shopping Failure by: WaterLily420 15 years 4 months ago
- Help for ADDers who want to get organized by: brendab 15 years 4 months ago
I just want to share a website that has some great action ideas to help those with ADD. I went to a CHADD meeting and the doctor that was faciliating the meeting has some very good pages on her website. She lists great ideas for those who find organizing an impossible task. She also has helpful tips for add children. I think there are some people on here who are ready for these ideas. http://www.addaustin.com/pasttips.html
For those who aren't ready, maybe the partners here can brainstorm ways to introduce these ideas.
Brenda
- Not Getting Through by: Manda627 15 years 4 months ago
I have been married to my ADHD husband for 5 years and known him for 7. I had a brother who had ADHD as a kid so when we met I felt like I had a good understanding of what kind of problems ADHD would bring to the table. I was so wrong.
My husband has had trouble keeping jobs or being successful because he can't complete tasks. After several failures he fell in to depression which ended in a suicide attempt. He let me know in a letter that he was doing it because he felt I did not love him. I know I have messed up and not always been the best wife, but to this day he blames me for his suicide attempt and it breaks my heart. He was then unemployed for several months, it was financially stressful and after years of being the breadwinner I started to wonder if we would ever be able to start a family.
I grew increasingly tired of being the responsible one and often found myself saying that I wanted a husband and got a kid instead. I was embarrassed and frustrated by his chronic forgetfulness. I turned in to a nag because I didn't know what else to do, I hated who I was becoming and he hated it too.
My husband also had emotional outbursts that ended in broken dishes and windows. He hated that I never wanted to have sex. I know sex is important, it was just so hard because I had so much anger and dissapointment. I wasn't happy, ever. I often said I felt alone, that my husband had left me holding the bag that was our life.
We started going to counseling after a big fight we had and I was working very hard to get through some of my bitterness and feelings of being abandoned. I really felt like the counseling was working and we were getting somewhere, our sex life was improving at least. He still forgot all the time, but I was willing to be patient and remember that not everything happens overnight. After 2 months of counseling and improvement I came home one night to find that he had left me. I was shocked, I thought we were working on this. It may not have been perfect but I had been working hard towards progress.
This was followed by 2 weeks of ugly fighting. Everything was my fault in his eyes. I cried, told him I was sorry, that I loved him and I wanted to work things out. He wanted me to take responsibility for everything and say that every problem in our marriage was my fault. He started believing that everyone was against him and I was the ring leader.
Eventually we managed to sit down in a room together. I apologized again for everything I had done wrong and to my surprised, he forgave me. Then, to my surprise, he did not want to give me an apology for anything....he still didn't feel he had done anything wrong. I told him I needed him to understand how his ADHD had hurt me and others around him, that I didn't think he could make any true change until he recognized the damage it does. He plainly said he just isn't sorry, and he'll call me when he is. But when? Ever?
I don't know what to do. People have told me he is emotionally abusive and I should leave, but I don't want to leave. I NEED an apology, I have been hurt for years and I NEED him to understand that intentionally or not he has hurt me deeply. I NEED him to want to change so badly that he is willing to make it a priority in his life. I feel like I will never get through to him, he doesn't even get how much he has hurt me. I feel so lost, and I feel like my marriage is slipping away from me. I love him, but I just can't keep doing this.
- will this ever be worth it? i'm starting to think he's right when he says we need to go separate ways by: happycamper13 15 years 4 months ago
i'm so tired. in tears. again. is this ever really going to be "joyful"? i went to the "joys in marriage" topic (or whatever it was called) and found little or no joy anywhere. i love him so much and i know he loves me deeply. in fact, his love includes a lot of clingy attachment. i see so much kindness and wonder in his heart. but i'm really afraid that we are just going to end up hating each other. or...i'm going to crawl out of this pit myself, and be so resentful that we'll split.
he's already halfway there - he asks if we should, or tells me we should, or tells me he's gonna - split and go separate ways once we recover from this financial ruin. that just makes me think, "then go now...do you really think i want to spend the next few years fixing your mistakes and supporting you so you can leave more comfortably?" followed by "see how long you'd last, and how much you'd miss me if you followed through on that threat." i don't say these things, but i want to sometimes.
he should be starting treatment soon. he's been through a battery of tests, but no follow up appointment yet. my friend with an ADD spouse keeps telling me to have strength and things will be better when he gets meds/treatment, etc. but i'm losing myself, and my mind. i try so hard. i've read most of this site (he's read nothing i've sent him), tried every bit of self-reflection and stepping up until he's in a little better shape to help. i've worked on past resentments and forgiveness. i take accountability for my mistakes and do my best to be supportive and make sure he knows all the things that i think are wonderful about him. i've done the notes, the lists, lowered my expectations (at least for now), observed and curbed nagging, had thoughtful conversations with him, and expressed small, specific needs. sometimes it seems like we make progress, except that he forgets a day later.
i'm sick of the part where he acts like the world and i owe him something. i'm falling apart. our marriage is falling apart. sometimes i think things are getting better but he doesn't agree, so i guess they aren't. he is willing to get treatment but keeps telling me that we really need is for me to get counseling and "anger management" help, and for us to go back to our non-insurance-covered marriage counselor at $235/hr that we can't afford. we saw her for a year and thousands of dollars and she could never get him to take accountability for anything. it drove her nuts.
he says he doesn't blame me for things, but he always uses me our our family as his excuses. i'm tired of feeling so inadequate, like i can never do enough, we're dragging him down and i'm just crazy. if it weren't for our gorgeous, ten-month old baby girl whom he really loves and helps with, i think we'd be split already.
where's the hope here? it's let down after let down after fight after fight after tears after tears. i'm starting to get resentful reading this website, wondering where the compromises end for the non-add spouse' and how we are supposed to be grateful for having to babysit an adult for the rest of our marriages and lives. people around me say, "let him fail." unfortunately, i've done as much of that as my family can tolerate without losing our house and everything else. so now i just take care of most everything, with very few meaningful thank you's, no voluntary apologies, and very little romance except that he wants sex all the time and pouts when he doesn't get it. i can let him fail, but he'll have to do that on his own while i take care of myself and our baby. he's put us in legal trouble and financial trouble this year in grand, ridiculous fashion (almost fatal DUI two weeks before baby was born). it's been long enough now that the remorse is gone and he blames the "system" for the fact that he doesn't have a license and that this cost us a lot of dough.
i feel bad in how poorly a light i've cast him as i vent in this message. i do love him. he is wonderful in so many ways. but he's starting to hate me. and it's breaking my heart, tearing it apart. it's breaking me. it's really hard not to hate myself in this house. i'm so scared and so hurt. and so desperate.
- Pain and Loving someone with ADD by: Again and Again 15 years 4 months ago
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I think that the definition of 1insanity may be that of a person who is married to someone with ADD and hoping that someday, someway, some new treatment will come along and work. Why does this have to hurt so much!!! I told myself I was not going to get too hopeful about my husband really wanting to love me and be with me. He promised, but he has promised for so many years, that this time he was really going to try. He was going to come to this site and continually gain more insite and knowledge to use to help himself. Instead the site he loves to go on is a website that has the world of young, pretty girls out there just waiting to talk to someone who has a nice word to say. Or to tell them they are hot! I am small, I am blonde, why can't I be the hot one for him! Why does this have to hurt so much! I knew it was not going to work. But I thought, just one more try. Just one more! This time it will work. This time he will have the tools he needs to overcome his desire to fulfill his own needs over that of anyone elses. Either that is the definition of a desparate woman or an insane one. I just want to be loved by the man who promised he would love me! It is so unfair!!
- ADHD and PTSD? by: mixedup 15 years 4 months ago
Hi,
Does anyone have any experience with a spouse that suffers from both ADHD and post traumatic stress? Our relationship was functioning as well as an ADHD affected marriage could prior to an incident 5 years ago. I had an unexpected health threat, but thankfully recovered quickly. Since then, my husband's ADHD has exponentially gotten worse. He suffers from periodic outbursts of anger, sometimes kicking and screaming in a temper tantrum. The moods have gotten much more volatile. He's withdrawn from friends. From what I've researched, all classic symptoms of PTSD. We've talked about the incident, and he claims that he has forgotten it. However, his behavior got worse approximate one month after my collapse and he now has these outbursts on a regular basis. The slightest disruption throws him over the edge. Perhaps he had these symptoms before as part of his ADHD, but now he is incapable of controlling them. Any thoughts?
- Ongoing Communication Problems between Non-ADHD introvert and extrovert with ADHD by: Looking4Help 15 years 4 months ago
My wife and I seem to be stuck re: our different communication styles, having the same argument over and over. I am a non-ADHD introvert, and she is an extrovert with ADHD. What happens is this: we start out having a rather nice conversation – at least from my perspective. I say something, then she responds, then I respond, and so on. And then, at some point, I realize I am no longer talking and she is talking “non-stop.” I end up feeling like she is talking AT me rather than TO me or WITH me, and I start thinking “I wish she would just stop talking.” And I find myself not listening to what she is saying. And it is clear to me, she doesn’t even realize I’m not listening, which just emphasizes my feeling that she is talking AT me. I realize that she can’t help herself – that some “switch” is clicked and she just goes into overdrive. It’s like a runaway train, which she has no control over. I get that.
I just don’t know how to tell her I am at my limit without hurting her feelings. When I am at my best, I realize it’s just her ADD, and am able to let her talk on and on, and don’t get upset or angry. But other times, I think “Here we go again. I wonder how long she’ll keep talking until I have to say something?” and then I DO say something like “Honey, would you please take a breath.” Or “Sweetie, would you please speak more softly” or “Honey, please speak more slowly” and these sometimes help. But other times, when I have less patience, or when whatever I say doesn’t seem to “connect” and she continues talking non-stop, I end up saying, quite firmly, “Honey, stop talking!” or, as I did this morning, “Sweetie, PLEASE, I need quiet in the morning.” And then we have an argument about how it’s all about what I need as an introvert, etc.
The thing is, it’s not really that I need absolute quiet, but rather, I can’t take in the long string of non-stop verbiage. And I just don’t know how to communicate that in a way that she understands, and in a way that doesn’t seem like it’s ME setting the rules about our conversations.
- Unemployed ADHD Spouse by: Laurie1213 15 years 4 months ago
Like most people on this site, I have been to hell and back with my ADHD spouse. After much discussion, I believe that he is finally beginning to understand how his ADHD is affecting me. I am hopeful that I have finally reached him (fingers crossed). I basically let him know that unless something changed immediately that i was ready to leave the marriage. He is now trying to learn techniques to make him more empathetic. He is writing things down so that he doesn't forget. He's trying to hold himself accountable for delivering on his promises. He has stopped demanding "over-the-top" sex. He's communicating better with me. He's been doing chores around the house. He seems to really be pushing himself to be a better person. He has been consistent with this for a couple of weeks. It's hard to say at this point whether or not these changes will take root, but I'm hoping... My problem is that he's still not working. We are really struggling financially. I work on commission and have had to push myself harder to try and make more money so that we can survive. I can't keep operating like this. I'm already exhausted. My stress level is at it's max. My next move is to down-size our lives. But more than anything, I need help from him financially. If we had two incomes it would make a big difference. Here's my story http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/hyper-sexuality-adhd-spouse. January will make 3 years that he's been looking for work. Would it be reasonable to give him a deadline to find work or move out? I've done everything that I know to help him find work, but is that really my responsibility? How should I approach this? On the one hand, I'm happy that he's trying (I hope that it's sustained), but I need him to get a job and help us! I invite your thoughts on this matter.
- potential reason for Denial of ADHD: did your spouse have an alcoholic parent? by: Dan 15 years 4 months ago
I'm a man, 42 yrs with ADHD, getting divorced ... my thread is here: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/find-volunteer-slapper-your-husband-and-reason
A theory on perhaps why some people are in denial or refuse to get help for their ADHD diagnoses. Did they grow up having a parent that was an alcoholic? Here is my re-post on this subject.... maybe this helps someone trying to find answers....
Yesterday, during my weekly meeting with my psychologist. Discovered something very interesting. Apparently (something I never knew), I have been holding inside a problem that was bothering me since I was a teen... keeping it inside of me for last 30 years. My father, who passed away last year, was an alcoholic. The height of his drinking problem, was when I was a young teenager. I recall being so ashamed, embarrassed and upset by his drinking... unable to confront his temper, so I dare not confront his drinking. I didn’t want to talk about it, not even with my other family members. The day after, when all was sober, life went on as if nothing happened, until it happened again and again for many of my teen years. I remember compensating for him, trying to cover for him, politely smiling to everyone outside the immediate family that “all was fine, normal, no big deal.” I covered for him, making sure everyone was happy or just trying hiding the problem... I learned at a young age don't hang your dirty laundry out in public... the big elephant in the middle of the room, you just ignore it and don't talk about it. As it turned out, that is something you continue to practice throughout life and in your relationships. I am a people pleaser... I go out of my way to make everyone happy, even strangers... but those that eventually get close to me, like my wife, they become part of my inner circle and I can let them in on everything, including secrets and treat them GOOD and POORLY... because they are family. Therefore today, I thought I was doing better than my father, when I promised myself I would never publically humiliate my family, my wife... anything bad, you keep behind closed doors. It is why I'm always in control of myself, limit my fun, always worried what others are thinking about me, I'm reserved. However, behind closed doors, is where family sees the real story and they hear all my problems. I now see that also destroys a family. It's why, when I get divorced, it will be very hard and humiliating to me, this public failure. I still haven't told my close friends about what is going on. Everyone outside our families will surely say "what?, I don't believe it... they seemed so happy, they are such a nice couple". It why people like me and why my wife fell in love with me... I try to make everyone happy. I'm the funny, caring, thoughtful, generous, tireless and nicest guy you ever want to meet initially and give the impression to friends/neighbors that all in wonderful... something I practiced since I was a teen covering for my dad's drunkenness. Until I trust you enough to share with you my problems that I don't tell anyone else. I only let my wife inside my bubble, and she got the best and the worse.... and lately the worse exceeded the best. That, on top of my ADHD traits... ugh!
Why I bring this up, is perhaps it may help other ADHD families out there... perhaps additional problems are holding back your spouse from acceptance and recovery. Did your spouse have an alcoholic parent? Perhaps the reason your ADHD spouse won't admit or get help, is because of the public shame he thinks of it. Like alcoholism, your spouse learned you don't talk about marriage problems to anyone, except your wife. Maybe find out if your spouse had an alcoholic parent, and he/she just learned to adapt and that "it is just the way it is, and you don't talk about it, you just try to hide or ignore it." Ignore the big elephant in the room.
Therefore, perhaps to get progress in a ADHD marriage... find out if your spouse had an alcoholic parent.
So... I now discovered I have this double whammy, ADHD and ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). I am so relieved finally to get more answers to my problems I knew was bothering me, but couldn't put a finger on it... and fortunate enough to have the brains to process what I discover, and need to get over it. I'm not over it yet... hard to say when I will be, but the discovery of a problem IS SO HUGE, one cannot fix what they cannot see.
Here are links to learn more Adult Children of Alcoholics:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/toxic-brewhttp://alcoholism.about.com/cs/adult/a/aa073097.htm
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/adult/a/quiz_adult.htm - I answered 16 out of 20.
http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/aa061197.htm
http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/adult/a/aa110597.htm
http://adultchildren.org/lit/Problem.shttp://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=144
- Any techniques that work when dealing with ADHD husband (welcome both ADHD and non-ADHD answers) by: hope09 15 years 4 months ago
Many non-adhd spouses are sad, angry, frustrated. I know I'm depressed and ADHD is ruining my marriage and my overall wellbeing. What techniques, actions, strategies can you offer (whether your non-ADHD or ADHD) in dealing with an ADHD spouse? Are there skills I can learn to help me manage my relationship, my husband, my own emotions/reactions towards my ADHD husband. I think hearing both sides are important...I want to build a more positive, healthier, stable life and solid partnership without being a doormat? It's difficult to explain but things only work when I make myself vulnerable. If I can use 1 word to define my relationship I would use "hurt". I just don't know how much more I can handle and I want to make sure I'm giving 100%.