Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • I've been dealt a very harsh blow. Help/advice. by: gratitudeiskey 15 years 5 months ago

    I somehow thought that my husband was past the "I don't love you anymore and want a divorce thing".  I guess I was just believing what I wanted to believe. 

    I have been on this site before and gotten a lot of wonderful advice and I really am trying to follow.  Just a short background…Walked away from emotionally unavailable husband after last straw moment in May and move to parents w/ 4 year old daughter.  He pursues like crazy but I don’t believe him because promises have been made time and time again and never kept.  I come to my senses about breaking up 4 year old dauthers family and come back on June 21 completely commited to making my marriage work.  My husband now has, in the meantime, had an affair (which he says since ended) and doesn’t want reconciliation, makes appointment at mediator, we go, he changes tune slightly and says he will try, we go to counseling and Retrouvaille (crisis marriage encounter).  Come back from Retrouvaille on 9/13 in worse shape than going in and he is adamant that marriage is over and wants out but has no money to leave our house.  Since then,  we are living like friends with benefits.  He comes and goes as he pleases, joins daughter and I on family things when and if he wants, is affectionate when he wants to be and cold when he wants to be.  Is overspending his own money and dipping into “ours” even though he was adiment about getting his own checking account.  He is ADHD w/ depression issues so sometimes life skills are hard for him and checking accounts are just NOT his thing. 

     

    Last night, out of the blue, during a mundane convo, H says that he is just “there in the house because he can’t afford to move and still wants a D”.  My response was “and why do you want the D?”  He said “Cuz Im not happy”.  My response was “Have you considered the fact that the marriage isn’t whats making you unhappy but, perhaps, internal issues such as ADHD/depression are making you unhappy”.  He said “Yes, I have considered that”.  I asked what the next steps where and he said that he didn’t have any plan to leave due to finances and he felt that it was best for all of us if he stayed to help financially until all debts were paid off and he could leave when he was financially ready.  I said nothing more, went upstairs, he came upstairs, climbed into bed and pleasantly chatted with me until he went to sleep. 

     

    How do I deal with this?  I cannot move out of the bedroom.  My 4 year old was so freaked out that we were sleeping in different bedrooms that it was painful for both of us to watch her so sad and unhappy.  We live in the same house, eat meals together, do things together…but, ultimately, he’s just waiting to divorce me.  I mean, how to I mentally deal with that.  All this time I have working hard on me, my issues, my part in the breakdown of everything, therapy, getting my own life, interests and detaching.  Where do I go from here?  I mean, if you want to leave me…LEAVE.  Don’t stay and stay and once I work my *ss off to get our debts paid off, THEN you’ll leave?  I have a 2 year plan for the debt repayment and I am the one with full responsibility for that.  He simply can’t handle the finances.  Heck, this past week he didn't even give me the full part of his budget deposit so I was left to find the other $100 that needed to go to mortgage payment.  He said he overspent and doesn’t have it…which I can’t prove because I have no access to any of his accounts.  UGH…advice please…just a little lost and frankly very sad today.  Trying to stay positive but it’s getting hard. I'm finding it sooo difficult to set boundries with a man that is so very much in my life, in my home and emeshed in our finances.  I really do appreciate that he feels the sense of responsibility to us financially and, for him, that a BIG deal.  I also feel that I need him to understand that he can't just "use" me to get to a better financial place and then leave.  That's very, very wrong.  The issue is though, that i will be financially broken if he does leave.  All debt is in my name and if he walks away, my credit and everything I've work for will be lost.  This is just so hard and I love him so much. 

     

    Erwin gave me wonderful advice about preparing for a life without him and I'm really trying to do that emotionally but living in this house KNOWING he's going to leave is almost like having an fatal illness and waiting for death.  The hope that he will get the help he really needs is just a dream of mine and I am almost certain that he won't.  As far as our daughter goes, I'm really trying to do the best I can for her not to feel any of this but I know she is.  She is 4 but I know that even though we are amicable, we aren't modeling a loving, healthy relationship for her.  That said, I read this on a SmartMarriages website and really thought it sort of explained best where my head is at in terms of my daughter and wanting to save her family for her...even if it means that I'm unhappy:

     

    “I'm not advocating for loveless marriages. But it's also the case that marriage
    doesn't make us happy every day. No marriage does, but your marriage serves
    as so much more than just a vehicle for immediate individual adult needs. It makes
    one world for your child, and children will tell you that means everything to them.”
    (Elizabeth Marquardt, Between Two Worlds)

    I know she won’t understand for a while but she will know someday that I did everything I could to save our family because I knew it meant the world to her….and that meant the world to me.

     

    Thanks for listening....grateful

     

  • Game Plan by: hope09 15 years 5 months ago

    Can anyone offer me advice on how I can leave my relationship with my ADHD husband?  It's gets worse by the day.  He has and is destroying me and my life.  He says he can't help himself and I cry everyday because I'm being abused.  We're not even married a year and its getting worse to the point I have suicidal thoughts. 

    I don't know how to end it and I need to save myself.  We are living with my parents because he lost his job and refuses to work.  I have a very good job and launched my own company on the side.  We have quite a bit of debt that we collected together but its all in my name.  He also detroyed my new car...he got into an accident but I paid to get that fixed but now he burnt the engine and its 6k so add that to the 20k I owe on the car plus the credit card debt.  I seem to get ahead and then financial burdens come about due to him.

    I miss being happy, I miss having someone be nice to me, I miss just being me.  I'm at the lowest point I've ever been.

    I beg you all to please give me any advice.  How do I know if we seperate that he will help paying the bills...I've carried all the weight and its not fair for me to take such a large burden.  I'm maxed out with my time, wellbeing and finances.

    I'm looking for a game plan...steps I should take to get moving in the right direction.  I'm all ears so please all your advice will be greatly appreciate.

    Thank you.

  • Graduate school? by: Sueann 15 years 5 months ago

    As I've posted before, I work and go to school. It's not graduate school but it is pretty demanding. I started during a period of prolonged unemployment for my husband, figuring that if I had to support him for the rest of my life, I needed a better job.

    Well, eventually after about 6 months of ADD meds, he got a job. Now he realizes that to advance in his profession, he needs a graduate degree.

    I'd still be in school and I have enough trouble getting him to contribute around the house now. He figures he only needs to help on the weekends, even though we all know dishes need to be washed, etc. every day.

    Do you think this is doable, for a person with ADD and one with physical disabilities? Should I drop out so he can go to school? Have any of your ADD mates, or you if you have ADD, handled graduate school while working, without your house falling down around your ears?

  • Question for the AD/HD mates re building your own safety net by: Aspen 15 years 6 months ago

    I really appreciate the viewpoints posted by the AD/HD mates especially as my husband sometimes doesn't appear to be/want to be introspective enough to give me similar feedback.  

    My question is with regard to feelings like feeling you "can't do anything right" especially in relation to messing up the same things over and over, and still seeming surprised at the result.  He definitely feels this way at times and we're both frustrated, but the obvious answer is to be aware you have trouble in a certain area and try to minimize it as much as possible.  Every book says this, every conference session says this, and we've discussed it personally that he needs to do this; yet he dosen't put the safety nets in place...even when it only needs a simple checklist.  I understand thinking/doing things differently, but I don't understand not taking the action to be sure that other people get what they need from you.

    For example:  We are self-employed & a couple times a month he has to invoice.  He has frequently sent in inaccurate invoices because he didn't check carefully to be sure that he was including all the work that he did.  It has always been able to be resolved, but it's an unnecessary and frustrating step--for both of us AND for the person improperly invoiced.  I've offered to take over the invoicing as it is clearly not his strong suit, but it has become such an important thing in his mind to be able to do that he won't give it up.  Ok I understand this, but then why not take GOOD care to be sure you do it correctly. 

    We've tried several things, and our most successful endeavor is to have me check it before he faxes it in.  That has worked very well as I catch any small errors before anyone else has to deal with it, but after a couple months of having no issues he now is faxing them off after having "forgotten" to let me check it.  So far they are still correct, but it is like he no longer thinks he has any issue, which just isn't true.   He uses the past month's invoice as a template and basically changes dates of payment due, dates of service, invoice numbers, etc--sometimes he messes up the invoice numbers (which are supposed to be based on the date the invoice is generated), sometimes forgets to include a service because of a reschedulation, sometimes he doesn't change the dates of the services, sometimes he forgets to change the date due.  Sometimes, and this is the worst, he forgets to fax it in on time and then we have to wait longer to be paid.

    We both agree that simple checklists for these types of repetitive actions would catch any of those little attention errors before he sends it off.  We've been discussing checklists for several things for at least a year.  He WILL NOT make them.  What the heck is up with this?? 

    He accepts he has ADD and that he needs to do some things a little differently & is on meds.  I think if he'd come up with the checklist idea that maybe he'd be making them, but since it was my idea, he doesn't do it--this resistance to other people's ideas when he has no plan of his own is one of my biggest causes of frustration.  For this reason, I don't see any value to me making them for him because it is like a stubborn child saying "I wanna do it myself" not in words but definitely in behavior.  If I make the checklist, I seriously doubt he'd use it consistently because he hasn't *bought into* the idea enough to make it his own.

     

  • Advice by: Allie Williams 15 years 6 months ago

    I am in so much emotional turmoil at this point in my life. I am engaged to be married to a man who while convinced he has AADD he is unwilling to accept or understand my frustrations and feelings on this. He has told me on multiple occassions that I am the one with issues. I feel like I am losing my mind, Its like I am always walking on egg shells until eventually I erupt in a fit of anger. I don't know what to do? I love him with all my heart but truly feel like I need to find a solution to this issue or leave. Does it get bettter, how do I handle this situation?

  • Housework and ADD by: Ladyflower1 15 years 6 months ago

    I've been reading a lot of posts where the non-ADD spouse complains about the ADD spouse not helping with housework and it seems that it's always the ADD that's blamed. But, I wonder how much of it is the ADD and how much is it that the spouse just doesn't want to help? The reason I ask is that I am the ADD spouse.

    I am 30 years old, work a full time job, have a 3 year old son, and I take care of the majority of the household chores. Is my home perfect? No, far from it. But, I clean and cook and do everything because if I don't then no one will. My husband doesn't have ADD, he just basically thinks that because he works harder at work (he has a physical job, whereas I have a desk job) and that he occasionally works overtime that the majority of the housework should be left up to me.

    For example, I cook all meals and always clean up the kitchen. Even on his day off or when he's on vacation and I'm still working he will NOT cook. If I do ask him to make dinner, he'll order pizza. I handle all our finances. I have most of the bills on autopay and I've gotten into the habit of checking our bank online daily and have a spreadsheet on my computer to record when bills are due and when they are paid. He just spends the money without asking, even if the money in the account is set aside for a bill. He thinks if it's there than he can spend it. Of the past 5 years that we've owned our home I have mowed the lawn for 3 of those years. One year I was pregnant and my husband just happened to hurt his knee this summer so I hired my nephew to mow. This last summer was the first year my husband decided to help me and mow the grass the majority of the summer. Of course it was still my job to scoop dog poop, pick up any sticks/branches/leaves, and trim the edges of the lawn. The dogs have always been and still are my sole responsibility. I have to let them outside to go potty, have to feed them twice a day, and take them to the vet when needed. My husband will completely ignore their cries to go outside, but yet he's not the one with the ADD. I could go on and on.

    I know that the problems between us are because I've let him get away with these things. But, yet he doesn't have ADD. So, when the ADD spouse doesn't help around the house is it truely due to the ADD or is it because the spouse is just letting him get away with it? I know it's easier to just do something yourself than to wait for them to get around to doing it. I know my house isn't perfect and it does make me angry when my husband says that our house is "trashed" even though I work hard to keep it as clean as I can. But, when he points out something that needs to be done I'll either write myself a note and stick it to the refrigerator or I'll tackle the project right then and there so I don't forget. But, he knows that if I just write myself a note that it could be a while before I get around to doing it - that is the ADD part of me procrastinating. If it is truely the ADD that is to blame in a lot of these cases then I think the non-ADD spouse needs to come up with some new ways to get things moving that works with their ADD spouse, not against them.

  • Will he ever realize it?? by: Cathryn 15 years 6 months ago

    I am a little frustrated here.  I know I'm still new to this ADHD thing, but help me out here.  So I found some symptoms of ADHD, sounded like my husband, gave him one of those ADHD tests and it said "highly likely you have ADHD".  He TOTALLY sounds like he has it.  I come to this website and the way that everyone is describing their ADHD spouse is my husband to a T.  So why doesn't anyone else think he has it besides me?  We had our 2nd session with the therapist today and she told us she's still not sure he has ADHD.  And my husband will not admit he has it, which seems to be fairly common with them?  After our therapy sessions I always think of something I should have said that may have clued the therapist in more to think he may have it.  When she asks my husband question related to ADHD his answers aren't....completely accurate.  Partly b/c he doesn't WANT to have ADHD and partly I think he doesn't realize how extreme he is in some things.  Are there some things I can tell her, besides the old attention and focus issues, that can help her in diagnosing?  I'm not trying to undermind her expertise, but I'd pretty much bet my life on the fact that I know my husband has ADHD.  All the feelings that you guys describe with having an ADHD spouse...I have.  If I weren't so pro marriage and committed to my faith, I may have given up already and found someone else that made me feel more complete.  But I think we can work this out.  Am I jumping the gun here?  Is it normal for it to take many sessions for the therapist to accurately diagnose?  I guess I'm just impatient as I already know he has it and I'm just waiting for her to come out and say it.  I've tried everything with my husband.  I've told him so many times how his behaviors affect me in such negative ways, but he just doesn't "get it".  And acts like he doesn't care, though I know he loves me (I think?).  Is it possible he may never admit he has it?  Even if he's diagnosed?  And I continue to tell him how much I'm hurting?  I can't come close to imagine to divorcing him.  How do I get through to him??  I can't live like this forever!

  • What is the proper response to "I can't do anything right" by: Amgock 15 years 6 months ago

    I do not know how to answer this. After every ADD moment my husband says "i can't do anything right" and normally i respond with something like "it's not a big deal, don't do that to yourself, it's not your fault"

    But what about when he does do something wrong? How do I respond then?

    Scenario- Husband withdrew money from our checking account. Not a big deal, except he didn't go to one of our banks ATM's so there was a $3.99 fee for the ATM plus the $2 fee from our bank. Now 6 dollars isn't that big of a deal, but I'm unemployed, so it matters. He noticed the additional $2 fee this morning and gave me the "i just can't get anything right" sob story. I pretended i didn't hear him, b/c in this instance, he screwed up! I just couldn't bring myself to say to him "better luck next time" etc. I was angry!

    Then I got mad at myself because I was angry at him for doing something he 'forgot'. It's just so frustrating. I don't feel like i can get mad at him when he does things like this, b/c I know he's not doing them on purpose, it's his add brain letting him forget. But seriously! how many times do I have to tell him the same thing!

    How as a spouse are we supposed to deal with this?

     

  • ADD and SELFISHNESS by: at_the_crossroa... 15 years 6 months ago

    After reading a lot of the postings and after much thinking, I see selfishness and selfcenteredness of ADD afflicted persons as a core reason of the suffering of their spouses.  It is the core reason of my own pain.

    I have been wondering, what of the both is more probable:
    1. Selfishness is hardwired in the brain as a part of ADD.
    or
    2. Selfishness is an independent trait, and it determines, if someone burdens the detrimental effects of his ADD upon others or takes the burden of sparing others upon himself.
         
    Maybe selfishness of the ADD persons drives us devastated posters here, not just ADD?   Maybe a non-selfish ADD person would be much easier to live with?

    I am so puzzled, what is behind my SO's selfishness.  I mean, how in his own mind he justifies his selfish acts.   

    Here is one incident, when I felt very hurt because of very selfish behaviour:

    At one time, I had 4 weeks to spend with him, and we had a lot of conflicts, misunderstandings and disagreements from the previous months of being apart to work on.  I also had it made very clear that the objective of that period was to work on the relationship and to do a lot of talking, and in my perception, he had agreed to this.  
    When I arrived, he told me that he has taken on a task, that would bring him no money, but a lot of honor, praise, admiration and attention (That he did not tell me...)All this was obviously more rewarding, more important than to improve the relationship.  He had accepted a deadline for the task during the time of my stay.  I felt very hurt, it was so disrespectful, selfish and inconsiderate.  
    But it got worse.  I got a sick from an infection, and the computer broke down, which he needed for his task.  He has no debts, he usually can manage his money, but we are both fairly poor, and we cannot afford extra expenses without renouncing other things.  In spite of this, he wanted to have a working computer immediately.  I know how to repair a computer, but I was weak and sick in bed.  
    He threatened to drive to the next shop and just buy one.   To avoid this, I yielded to the pressure and in spite of having a fever went with him to a shop to get parts and help him to get his computer working again.  
    He still considers his priorities on that occation as ok, even though he has verbally  apologized, as he does many times for such incidents, when I get upset badly.  But then he makes excuses that are good enough only for himself.  He forgives himself, and wants to be forgiven and leave bygone events behind.  But I refuse to forgive without a change in the attitude, that had caused the hurting behaviour, because he will continue to hurt me for the same reason.  I could forgive him based on the insight and acknowledgement, that he owed it to me to postpone the deadline or refuse that task in favour of giving priority to the work on the relationship.   

    I am not puzzled, that he takes on such a task on impulse, that is typically ADD.  But with what going on in his mind can he defend this as being right, how can he consider himselt entitled to such selfish priorities?

    Sometimes I suspect, that he just lacks the value of fair exchange in his value system, that he does not feel a bad person, and neither shame nor guilt for being selfish.  I even suspect, that his concept of commitment is limited to not cheating, and sharing a household, but that he does not take upon himself any more ethical obligations like a fair balance between his and my needs, which I can agree upon to be really fair, and the responsability for all consequences of his behaviour upon me, no matter if they were intented or accidental.   

    Sometimes I suspect, that he automatically considers it the most natural thing in the world to give priority to his needs and whims, and that it even never occurs to him to justify any of this to himself. As if he feels entitled to selfishness, without consciously defining it as selfish, but more as his natural right.   Following his impulses seems perfectly ok to him.   
    (I even had a weird and farfetched thought, how ADD could be explained:  Animals are driven by impulses from instincts.  Humans have the mental capacity to check the external and internal (=justification by own values) consequences of their acts before getting started.  When someone acts on impulse without thinking, then it seems as if he behaves on the same level as an animal.  People, who think before acting are a step ahead in evolution, and that maybe in modern society's gene pool are still some leftovers from bygone times.  Humans and chimpanzees are said to share nearly 99% of genes.  Maybe many, many years ago, normal average people were driven by impulses and selfishness like ADDs today, and today's non-ADDs had yet to develop.  I do not believe in weird speculations, even my own, so please nobody take offense.)

    Sometimes I suspect, that he just has a distorted perception of the consequences of his behaviour upon me or keeps himself in willfull ignorance of any painful consequences at all.   He might honestly believe to participate in a fair deal, an even tit-for-tat, while to me his behaviour is hurting and selfish.   

    Anyhow, I have come to the conclusion, that I cannot marry him, as long as he is comfortably selfish.   So I printed out a note for him today:
    _______

    Your intelligence is sufficient to learn to spare me suffering.

    It is your decision, which attitude to have:
    1. Do you want to be a selfish or a caring person?
    2. What value do I have for you, am I a utility or someone deserving care?

    Your decision determines your behaviour.
    Your decision determines our future.
    _______

    Has any ADD husband/SO ever made a conscious pledge to stop being selfish?  Did it have any positive effect?

  • When he sees many discussions as a negative... by: Aspen 15 years 6 months ago

    I understand that men and women communicate differently, but I really think it is an entirely different world for an ADD mate and a non-ADD spouse.  My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago at his own suspicion of what was *wrong* with him, and his progress is somewhat erratic though he has good intentions.  We are actively working on getting him a new coach, we have some things we're working on from the AD/HD conference, and he takes his meds almost like he is supposed to.  Not perfect, but decent improvement all in all.

    My basic question is how do you help a person who loves spontaniety and everything flowing smoothly to appreciate that discussing deep thoughts and feelings at times (esp when it isn't part of fixing a problem or addressing an issue) is part of keeping a marriage flowing.  He seems to think that discussions are necessary to "clear log jams when the river isn't flowing smoothly" but the rest of the time we should let it flow.  That sounds to me he thinks you talk mainly to deal with *issues* but not so much because you want to.  I need him to understand part keeping everything flowing smoothly is deeper levels of conversation.  I love hearing about that hilarious thing he heard on the radio, or what is going on with friends of ours, & we have to discussor how we are dividing up the budget.  But those are great for fun and surface only.  I want deeper conversation--getting to know eachother and our hopes and dreams better. Sharing things that no one else knows about us.  It isn't to solve problems, but to stay in synch for me.

    As an exercise from the recent AD/HD conference, Dr Hallowell emailled a marriage workbook to go with his upcoming book Married to Distraction.  It basically contains 30 days of 30 minute exercises and last night our exercise was to talk to eachother about our Dream of a Good Marriage for ourselves.

    Fortunately our visions match up, and we went on to discuss things what things we should be tweaking.  One thing I feel my husband lacks is more of a desire to communicate.  He is definitely a better communicator than many men because when I want to talk or when I bring something up he is almost always willing to discuss it, but it is almost NEVER his idea.  He doesn't start conversations, or probe into my dreams and psyche.  Now to be fair probably part of this is because I am fairly open with these things, but some things I keep to myself unless someone cares to discover it (not deliberately per se but perhaps more of a way to protect some vulnerable parts of me.)  It hurts me that while I would love to know everything about him and I frequently ask questions about his childhood and feelings about things, I don't often get this same reaction back.

    When discussing why that is we hit some kind of profound areas.  I told him that I had been guilty of asking him a question with a certain expectation of the answer for him & that I was hurt somewhat when he would answer with something silly (protective for him) or just surface rather than what I was hoping for.  He apologized for the way he does this but mentioned that "it must be so hard for you to not get the answer you want."  I admitted that at times it is and that I deal with it by trying not ask things with an agenda anymore.  He said "that is so sad for you.  I hate that I am doing that"  I don't want him to feel he's failing.  I shouldn't ask things with a hope of what I'll hear, but I do want him to think a little deeper at times or just express what he already feels.  I do know that he feels what I want...he is a very loving husband, but one of my primary love languages is communication where he is not so much.

    How do you help him see that this is basic marriage participation for women & that is doesn't indicate issues that you want to talk and hear about feelings.  Because he thinks so many things should be automatic and not require extra effort (including prioritizing and scheduling and budgetting--all of which totally needs effort rather than spontaniety), it hinders his ability to get where he wants to go.  

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