Hello to everyone out there. I am sitting at my computer, awake because I can't force myself to sleep. I have been crying for the last hour, although it feels like the last decade..and we've only been together six years. I am crying because despite the ADHD diagnosis, and the fact that one of our children has ADHD, my husband refuses to take any initiative to learn about the disorder that is destroying our lives. In fact, even when I "spoon feed" him the information, he gets angry about me "downloading on him". I wonder often why he even married me and HAD children when he answers to no one but himself. Of course, he's got a million reasons for why he's late every single night, why he can't help in the middle of the night with our two babies (can't function at work the next day... PLEASE!) Why he's so irrational (We didn't NEED a double stroller..I could just CARRY one baby...however he could smoke.), why he's controlling, selfish, and completely ignores everyone else's needs all the time. I have dragged him to every kind of therapy I can think of under the guise of it's BOTH of our problems that keep ruining this marriage. I have chosen to forgive over and over and over and picked up the slack...I am basically a single parent, as he owns his own business, and when he IS home is glued to the t.v. because he needs some "down time". I have explained his "good intentions" to all of the people close to me countless times, when he's been downright mean to me, callous to other's feelings and superior in his attitude. I am absolutely miserable around him. He is critical, undependable, and completely disinterested in anything I have to say. I have cried myself to sleep I don't even KNOW how many times, wondering how on earth I got myself into this...married to a man who, though he says he loves me, acts like he couldn't care less...unless I really blow. Then it's all roses...for a few days...until the stimulation wears off. After that, we're back to square one. If you wonder why on earth I have stayed this long, the answer is this. We have three children and I wanted to try everything I could to give them a happy family. On top of that, I am a stay at home mom, with no income of my own, and no family nearby. I have felt completely trapped. I STILL feel terrified at the prospect of even trying to end this. When I tell him I want a separation and that I'd like him to leave, he simply tells me he's not going anywhere. Great. By the way, and here's the real reason for this post. I HAVE ADD. I have all the natural tendencies that are ruining the lives of so many here. I asked a close friend today, if I have ADD, and I care VERY much about others, am very sensitive to their needs and feelings, and do not always put myself first, how is this possible that all of these other people with ADD and ADHD can be such JERKS to others??! His response was, "You have a heart." I do NOT put my needs in front of my children's. I do not change the rules all the time because I feel like it. If I say I'll be there for them or will do something for them (or my husband for that matter) I MEAN IT! It hasn't been easy, and I've had to do a lot of work on myself, I had to let fo of my pride and humble myself to admit there was a lot I was messing up, but if you care you DO THE WORK! ADD and ADHD are not an excuse to be a terror to the people in your life. The people that you have CHOSEN to have in your life and often in your care are a GIFT and they should not be abused! Let me repeat myself, ADD and ADHD are not excuses to ruin the lives of others. There is so much you can do to make things better. I wish, for my children's sake, that their father would do the work...and I hope for my sake, that I have the strength to do the right thing, whatever it may be.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- I have got to set the record straight here! by: purplepansy24 15 years 3 months ago
- What do you love about your AD spouse? by: tazangel36 15 years 3 months ago
I see so many families in ruin, or unhappy marriages, on this site. I can't believe it's all doom and gloom...
While living with attention-deficit is never easy (from either side of the fence), I wanted to take a moment, push the "pause" button on the negativity and sadness, and focus on what we all love about our marriages and our spouses. If you're on this site or this forum, it's for a reason, right? Just like you got married for a reason.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years, and we have 2 beautiful, happy children. Our lives are never dull...not with a husband with ADHD and a child with ADHD! But while it can be overwhelming, and tiring, I love my life and my family, and woudn't change it. Here's why, and I'd love to read your stories also.
My husband can turn anything into a game. So much of ADHD literature focuses on the negative aspects, we can forget just how creative they can be. No matter what sort of fit my kids are throwing, my husband can turn it into a game and get them on board.
He's a great playmate for the kids. Being such a kid himself, not only is he able to play on their level, but he helps me to remember that they're only little once, for a brief window, and that I don't want to be remembered for doing chores while they're playing. His play helps me to reconnect with the child inside.
My husband, bless him and the people that raised him, talks to me about things, works with me, and lets me help him through his life. We talk, we laugh, we date, we work together on our marriage and our life.
I know it's challenging, and that it will never be easy. But I'm so glad to have him and our kids in my life.
What do you love about your attention-deficit spouse? What do you love about your marriage?
- Can you bear with me if I vent a bit....? by: Flower Lady 15 years 3 months ago
Sigh....feeling such a huge lump in the pit of my stomach...fear? I don't know...just need a shoulder to lean on right now.
I wish the difficulties in my ADHD spouse were just limited to inattention, hyperfocusing, social gaffes etc etc. What I can't seem to wrap my head...or heart...around is the things he's said to me over the years that were so very, very painful. The latest was just yesterday when he told me that since he's the breadwinner in the household, he has the final say in any major decisions. In other words, my opinion/advice doesn't count at all because I stay home with my children and don't bring in any money. I had questioned my husband about the purchase of a foreclosed property that he made. I had been strongly against this purchase because I knew it was his latest in a long string of obsessive projects, and that he'd be working on the fix-up for months to come while ignoring his family. My husband bought it of course, citing the reason that he wanted to make some money. I know this will wind up costing us money as all his projects do. He's in total denial of this, and believes that I have no say in the matter anyway as I'm a homemaker. (Doesn't matter that I raised three kids with disabilites on my own while coping with my own disease and cancer....sigh.)
In my mind, raising healthy, compassionate children is a full-time job...paid or not...and I'm very proud of myself for the successes my kids have had.....my oldest is on the dean's list in college, my middle child just received his high school diploma and my youngest in special ed is getting all A's and B's on his report cards. They're dealing with Tourrette's, ADD, anxiety disorder and learning disabilities respectively. It hurts SO MUCH to know that not only does my husband not see how hard I've worked, but that my opinion doesn't matter anyway. I can't even cry about this 'cause I have Sjogren's Syndrome and my eyes don't make tears anymore. Talk about irony, huh?
So....how does one get rid of the stomach knots and the hurtful comments....like "I've never been in love with you" or "I only married you because I felt obligated" or "you're not worth the effort"? I could go on for quite awhile but you get the picture I'm sure. I desperately want a separation from him....for him to move out...but I have a terrible feeling he'll refuse to leave, and I have nowhere to go. He's very controlling. I'm financially dependent too...something I wish I could change but my own disability is significant and working outside the home presents huge challenges for me. I do not qualify for disability because while I have the right number of work credits they aren't recent...I've been raising my kids....just another way to penalize parents who stay home with their children.
Sorry....I'm whining...not like me...just feeling so trapped....like a rat. I need to find a way to work from home if I can...just drawing blanks right now....feeling like I've been hit by a truck again. Does anyone have any advice for me....or just a shoulder I can lean on for awhile until I feel more like myself again? I'm hurting.....:(((
- Need help with ADHD girlfriend by: KCMO 15 years 3 months ago
I would appreciate any advice. I am desperately in love with my girlfriend who has ADHD, recently, and finally diagnosed. She has grown up believing, and everyone else too, believing that her behavior was just "her." She's EXTREMELY impulsive, impatient, and inattentive. She is also the life of every social situation, and a short, drop dead knockout. Her petite size and beauty (in my opinion) have afforded her certain acceptance and forgiveness for her decisions/actions from everyone.
We have our disagreements as all couples do, but I am unable to have a productive disagreement. She gets extremely angry and says the most horrible things that no one should hear from someone they love. Basically, all the "off limits" topics she has no problem bringing out. It has been difficult for me to break through to her how difficult her ADHD is on me. I try to be patient, but inevitably I break down from being passive and calm. It's truly impossible. Her anger is uncontrollable (and has gotten her into numerous situations throughout life) and easily escalates into violence. Which, due to her size, I believe has gotten little attention throughout her life. She has many friends, and everyone loves her socially, but I'm the only one trying to have a relationship with her. Her parents know what she is like at least, and have known that her beauty was going to drive men crazy, and truly felt it would take a unique and special individual to deal with her. Though she realizes and accepts her diagnosis, my concerns as a partner go ignored, because "everyone else likes and accepts me the way I am." Well, we all know if we treat our friends poorly they won't stick around, but those who love us the most will (parents, and a ridiculously committed boyfriend). I do feel she is the one for me, but I need help making this work. We both have no idea how to accomplish this. She has stopped counseling and refused any prescription treatment. So basically, she knows her diagnosis, but won't do anything to change. We are stuck in limbo unable to move forward and I don't know what hope to hold on to.
- looking for spouse support group in NW Oregon/SW Washington by: gw-adhdmarriage 15 years 3 months ago
Hello,
Does anyone know of a support group for spouses of ADHD, located within reasonable driving distance from the Portland, OR area?
- I want to move forward, or at least look forward, she doesnt :( by: tracsport 15 years 3 months ago
Hello
I have mentioned my story before and its been over a month now that my wife has left and gone to live with her parents with my 2 little children. I continue to go to therapy, take my meds and even going to get a hopefully full psych eval to confirm adhd, that I have been diagnosed with, and maybe even add more things to it.
My wife and I talk often, but lately she has been placing even more distance between herself and me. She has told me she is happy now for the first time in her life, and does not know if it is going to work. It breaks my heart that on a continuous basis, she points out everything that has happened in the past, and cannot get past it. I dont want to forget anything, but I have to move forward ever so slowly in order to accomplish any of my new goals. My wife is hurt, sad, and frustrated with me, and who I have let myself be...in all reality I dont know, really what happened. I know that this diagnosis of adhd has shed some light on things, but like most non-adhd spouses, it is looked upon as a myth, or something that is not believable.
I have put her through alot, with lack of interest in her, putting my job first, hyperfocusing on things that I shouldnt be, and not showing my family I love them. In my mind and heart I know I love them, and want this to work....again it does take time. I am trying to be patient, but I do not feel any push forward, or interest in making things work on my wife's part. She is frustrated with me that I dont feel sad, anymore, I dont act like I miss my family, I dont miss her......which is a crock, because I have told her day in and day out.....but, I did tell her, I cant change how she feels, how she percieves things, it just makes me sad.
She has said that up where she is now, is her home, and the next step is divorce. We have been face to face maybe 2x in the last 6 weeks...for everyone that tells me it takes time etc...I honestly see, that...but to have her turn her back on me, and not believe anything I am doing, or working toward....hurts I guess.
Just once when we talk, I would love to have her say..ok keep working on it, be consisent, and I will support you. Instead she is like...when you did this, why didnt you do this sooner you could of saved our marriage, my kids are not coming home (notice my)....I am slowly being written out of the picture.
Thank you for listening. I am frustrated, but more importantly, I am focused on getting better, with or without my family.
Any thoughts or anything from a non-add perspective would be appreciative....
Ryan
- I'm so glad I'm not alone by: flora 15 years 3 months ago
Hi, I just found this site and started reading peoples posts. It brings me confort to know i'm not the only person dealing with a spouse diagnosed with ADD. I've been married for over 10yrs and always new there was something wrong with my relationship with my husband. He is a very passive person and avoids conflict if at all possible. We do not communicate well at all. I', constantly reminding him about what weve talked about plans weve made and soooo on. It got to the point where I have become very angry I do all the bills, work full time , plan everything do all the shopping I have a son from a previous marrage and my husband has very little interaction with him. He has two kids that he wouldnt have much to do with if I didn't ecourage that. I decided a few months ago to go to counciling for my anger, I felt like there was something wrong with me I should me content with the fact my husband works, he's always home on time ( but still late for dinner every night) little things that shouldn't drive me crazy did. I felt and still do feel that I pull the load all by myself. My husband agreed to go to counciling also and was quickly diagnosed with a severe case of ADD. He was put on medication and for a while I thought wow! he's a whole new man. but soon old behaviors came back. The lack of communication, and interest in our family makes me feel soo lonely, Our Dr. increased his medication and again helped some for a little while. My husband treats me like I want overnight change and yes I guess I do but after reading the post I realize thats not going to happen. I just wish I could see some continuous change. He says I get frustrated and angry because everything is always about me. And he says he don't understand what the big deal is. I'm lonely I want someone to talk to i feel so hopeless. After being put on his meds i allowed him to take over three of the bills to take some of the load off me after a couple months he was late on my credit card i added him too. I was very upset, he called and got the late charges dropped and they didnt raise my interest but he couldn't understand why i was upset. the next month he wanted a pat on the back because he paid that bill on time but one of the other three was, he looked at that as he did ok since it wasnt the same bill, and beside give me a break you know how long its been since ive had to do this stuff. I'm so tired of feeling like him mommy. (it has killed my desire for sex with him, again its just another job on my plate. He's always quiet when asked whatcha thinking about its a distant stare nothing he says. I wish for one day of not having to think about anything bills ect.
I need some hope or I'm out this year!
- Observations of this site from the "ADHD" Spouse by: Madenmich 15 years 3 months ago
I am very new to visiting this site. My wife had found the site and suggested that I read a couple of articles. The article itself was pretty good. When I opened this site by the main URL rather than linking from an article...here were/are my some observations.
- Pleasant colors
- Right off the bat I'm defensive. I feel for the "spouses" on this site...I just get the sense that the site is more geared towards the Non-ADHD spouse.
- Way way too much information on the main page. The type-setting is good, but the quantitiy of information is instantly overwhelming. But....you thought this out and put a Tab up top that reads "Instructions - Read First".
- "Instructions - Read First" - ok this is good. So I followed that link..and I read the contents. Please consider the following:
--Break the page into TWO seperate sections. One for the ADHD and one for NON-ADHD. This not only would tell me that the site "knows its audience" but cares to serve both. I'm reminded of when I went to the eye Dr years ago...and he had a sign in the office for RK surgery....and the text of the sign was so small that it made it very difficult for those who would benefit from the procedure to actually cleary notice the sign.
-- Ok...Where is the READ NEXT link? Please....guide me through the sight. Once I finished with Read First section...I wasn't sure if I was just going to get all ADHD is surf all areas of the site with no actual objective. Perhaps.....have a nicely laid out legend asking some questions: "Learn about abc...click here".
The BLOG Section.
- I'm sure that many articles will be beneficial to either spouse. But it would be nice to easily distinguish which of the articles are written with which spouse as the primary audience. Sometimes, reading good articles written to the point of view of the non-adhd spouse can frankly be a bit of a bummer....like something is "wrong" and needs to be "fixed".
Ok...that is about it for now. I can sense my attention to this post is fading :)
I do very much appreciate the site. The article entitled "ADHD Partners - Driving Without Driving Each Other Crazy" was/is good but challanging to implement.
- Whether or not to get engaged to an ADHD man. by: Leah 15 years 3 months ago
Hello,
I have been searching high and low on the internet for help with this burning question. My boyfriend has ADHD. He wants to get married. I have gone over every possible "should you get married" questionair, searched myself, used my brain, used my heart.. Every time, I come back to the same place... Can I live with his ADHD how it is for the rest of my life? If it were never to change or improve, could I deal with that. Would I want my future kids to deal with that????? I never have an answer... I think because I don't know what exactly it means for my future... I am hoping to find an answer or the beginings of an answer here.A little background on him and how ADHD has effected our relationship so far:
He was diagnosed as a teenager, he is now 33, and has tried several different medications and counciling with a ADHD specialist. It helps.. To a certain degree... Obviously it never goes away.. He doesn't like taking his medication and has stopped for the last year or so. We experimented with herbal remedys and have found those to more helpful than the prespriction varieties.
We been together for 2 years and lived together for 21 months of the 24 we have been together. It's like he becomes a whole other person when he is effected by it... When he is himself he is caring, calm, insightful, great at communicating in a calm manner... and then it's like a switch (I mean immediatly over a period of 3-4 seconds) and he changes his whole manner... He gets stuck on one thought and then as he continues to talk or think about it gets more and more tangled and not about anything we were originally talking about. He gets really upset, passionate, angry (never hitting or anything) it's like he goes from a 3 to a 8 or 9 in a matter of seconds and it's not even what we were talking about! He has tried to explain how his brain doesn't connect things when he is thinking... Here is one example of a conversation that happened just the other day..
Me: I wonder how you would go about cutting a whole in a wall to make a doggy door...
Him: Oh you measure and go right through, I think it should be simple...
Me: yeah..I don't know how I feel about just making a hole in a wall of my house....
Him: What? you would decide not to do something like that because of this? (typical of him to be VERY general to a point where I have no idea what he is talking about)
Me: Hmm? I just mean I would be wary of doing it.
Him: Wow I can't believe you would want to buy a house without making any improvements to it, that is incredible... How can you think like that? Why would you think like that?
Me: *silence*( Its easy to see we are no longer talking about how to make dog doors and I usually choose silence at this point)
Him: *5 minutes later* sorry...
Another example would be him letting over 25 letters come from the DMV and leaving them unopeneded. Only to find out later they were telling him he had an unpaid ticket and his license was suspended (5 months AFTER it was suspended ) Whereas if he had opened the letters paid the 50 dollars it would have been fine.
He just gets overwhelmed by things because he can't think them through in a rational way....I lovingly call this his "episodes of irrationality" Some of the ways we have tried to cope are as follows:
- We set up a code word. He said in one conversation about his ADHD that he doesn't realize he is slipping into these "epdisodes" until after it's over. I would always aggrivate the situation by trying to tell him he was being irrational and yadda yadda yadda... So we decided the code word of "strawberrys" ( I let him pick a word that made him think happythoughts) would be said when I first noticed signs of him slipping into an episode. It works to a certain point. But once he is past that point it doesnt.
- Opening the mail. We agreed and decided, after the DMV letter issue, that because we live together and depend on him being able to go to work and contribute that I would open all "important" mail. IE. from the DMV, IRS, Work related stuff, etc. and find a good time to show it to him and talk about any action that needed to take place. This has worked GREAT.
- The bill pay account: After a year of living together i grew tired of him overdrawing his bank account, not paying his share of the bills on time. And not for lack of trying. He doesn't go on spending sprees and is actually quite frugal. He just doesn't manage it well. So, I suggested we set him up with a second checking account that we call the "bill pay account" we sat down and budgeted how much of his paycheck each month went to bills and rent. So when he deposited his check he automatically deposts the same amount of money into the bill pay account each month. Then we set all of his bills on auto pay from that account. Now he doesn't have to think about it. Everything gets paid on time and he has not overdrawn his account in the last year since we did this.
- Lists I started making lists of anything I needed or wanted from him. From taking out the dog in the morning, to our weekly agreed upon chore schedule (which is hanging on the fridge for both of us to review) I try to make these notes and lists loving and encouraging Instead of nagging.. I don't know how well I suceed.
- Cutting off the alcohol: He is not what I would call a mean drunk. He is however a very unpleasant, un reasonable one. We both enjoy our wine and cocktails but have agreed that tipsy is as high as it goes. When he goes past that point it just becomes one long episode. To encourage this, I limit myself to the same level as him. That way I can encrouage him to cut himself off but cutting myself off. It works every time.
- Discussing situations before-hand: There will be times when I know there is going to be a situation that does not lend itself well to his ADHD. Driving 6 hours to my parents house for a visit, going to target etc. I try and bring it up before hand and talk about being aware of his feelings and letting me know his limits of control before things boil over so we can make a change to the situation. This works some of the time... not a lot though.
These are just some of the things we do on a daily basis to cope. Do you think these are helpful or will be more damaging in the long run??
Our relationship is actually (inspite of this) one the healthiest I have been in or heard of. I truly love him in all of his spontanious, quirky ways and can honestly say I am truly happy at least some point in every day when I think about my life with him. I am just afraid that if I take this step and marry him that I will find it unmanagable at some point.... I'm scared of the consequences it will have on our future kids... This is the only thing holding me back... I am ready to jump in on every other level......... am I being too picky? too wary? Are there ways to make sure we can manage this in our marriage and family life... Or will it always be a what if, every day...? I am willing to put in almost any amount of effort into this.. I just want to know that effort will pay off. At the end of all this I keep coming back to one thing. He is aware of his ADHD, he is MORE THAN WILLING (and I feel so blessed by this) to recognize and work on it by many different ways. But will that ever be enough? I don't want to be these women who 30 years later say they would never have done it again. Please help...
Thank you!
Leah
- I'm Blessed. No, really, I am. by: gratitudeiskey 15 years 3 months ago
Hello everyone:
I used to post here under a different name and had to discontinue that name due to security reasons. Things got very difficult for a while and I thought it best that I didn’t use my real name.
A few months back if you told me that I would be posting in this area of the forum I would’ve told you that you needed meds (no pun intended). However, I am here and what has happened in my marriage is nothing short of a miracle. I'm just soooo thrilled. I'm just so happy that my will and God's will matched up on this one. :-)
I don’t want to drag this out into some big novel so I’ll do my best to recap briefly. I have been married for 5 years and my husband has had ADHD that entire time. Actually, he has had ADHD since he was young. He was diagnosed in the last few years and is on meds. The meds only helped to a point and got his job on the right track but our marriage had not improved at all. Last year at this time I had given up, was about to engage in an affair and wanted a divorce. I was at the end of the end w/ no rope to hold on to. I was overworked, underappreciated, worn-out, disrespected, demoralized, filled with hate and consumed with resentment for the man that I vowed to stay with until the day I died. Though this I never stopped loving him but I just couldn’t live in the emotional pain I was in. I couldn’t love some one so much who showed so little care, concern and respect for me. In moved out in May, woke up in June and moved back realizing that my marriage deserved more than me running away and so did my daughter. I woke up too late and my husband was now emotionally disengaged from me and in an affair with another woman. We had divorce papers drawn up and he was going to divorce me. I desperately fought to keep the marriage together hoping he would realize that what was wrong with us wasn’t “us” but the ADHD and lack of respect and communication from both sides. We were at the end of the line when all of sudden he just made this incredible turn around. He came out of the fog of the affair and told me that he realized that he was the main problem in our marriage. He admitted his ADHD was a huge issue and that the affair was just about shiny, happy, new and not anything real. He ended the affair that day. I admitted to my issues as well and we both agreed to move forward with help from an ADHD coach. We found a terrific coach and with her help we have made more progress in 3 sessions than almost a year of marital counseling. It’s like having an interpreter. Are we in nirvana? Not by a long shot…but at least we have a shot now.
Here are some signs that we are making progress. I have not asked my husband if he has taken his meds since we started with the coach. We has started using lists and using a calendar. We had a discussion about money (he wanted to spend some that we didn’t have) and it ended up with us holding hands and in agreement not to spend the money. We have found two things that we enjoy doing together that hold his attention and lead to further communication afterwards…Wii, Rockband and listening to books on tape in bed. Where we still have a very long way to go is in his computer gaming obsession and his ability to see where his actions affect me and our daughter. We also need to work on making a physical connection again. There are trust issues that may never been fully dealt with an wounds that may never fully heal. The meds really mess with his libido and that’s been a HUGE problem for us. I have to also make more progress with my co-dependence and mothering of him along with learning to ask for what I want/need and not waiver on bottom lines. I also have to be very honest with him, with everyone. Its hard in a coaching session to say "I have a hard time respecting him for how he is" and not cringe at the words as they come out of my mouth. Honesty has just not been the tenor of our relationship.
The bottom line is, for today, I am married, happy, on the upswing to sane and blessed that I found this forum and site to give me the tools to lead me/us out of the abis. I am grateful to God who lets me lay my burdens on him when I can’t carry them anymore. I’m so blessed to have married a man that had enough character to admit that he has a problem and is really doing his best to help himself so that he can be the best dad and husband he can be.
I used to love and hate posts like the one I just read. I would read them and think "what does she have that I don't. Why did she get the golden ring". The anger chocked me at times. However, more than anger, I received hope from posts like this. Hope that kept me hanging in there when so many told me it was better for my daughter and I to leave...hope when I was lost, hope when I was sure it was all my fault this was happening. I hope, somehow this gives even one person out there reason to believe and hope and maybe find that shred of love for their spouse that remains. I'm not delusional. There are really unhealthy relationships and mine was getting to the point where leaving was the only way to save my daughter and myself but then God chose another path for me. I don't know why and might never know. My job is to just give him praise and let him guide me through.
Peace to all....
G