For a non-ADHD partner, it is SO frustrating to watch your spouse struggle without result. You want her to do well. You can see HOW she might improve things. If you were doing them, it would be EASY. Yet nothing changes. How does a non-ADHD partner remain empathetic in this situation, rather than become angry?
We are getting ready to update this site and are looking for your ideas. Tell us what you like about the current site set up and what you would like to see improved. We'll start work on this at the end of April, so please let us know your ideas and comments before April 30. And thanks for you input!
I've been thinking about power balances in relationship recently, and the role that validation plays in maintaining balance between partners. I want to propose that you consider doing an experiment to better understand the ways that you and your spouse validate each other (or don't). If you understand this better it will give you information about how to diminish conflict in your household.
When you and your spouse are first exploring whether or not ADHD has been a factor in your marriage it can seem both a relief (finally, a reason that explains so much!) and a bit overwhelming (ADHD seems to be everywhere!) Some with ADHD resist thinking about how much ADHD can impact their relationship because it makes them feel "broken" or lessened. I asked myself the other day - does it matter if you label it ADHD?
Married to Distraction: Restoring Intimacy and Strengthening Your Marriage in an Age of Distraction, by Ned and Sue Hallowell, with Melissa Orlov, is being released on March 16th. It's available for pre-order right now, and one of Dr.
There is a standard "joke" that "on the internet they'll never know you're a dog". As it turns out, we have our very own "dog" on this site. For those of you who have been concerned about a poster named "Clinging to Life" and the histrionic responses of "Normal Mom" I would like to share that sad news that they are the SAME PERSON (also the same person as "Wild Child"). We know this from the log-in/out records for the site. Incontrovertibly, these "three" people are one person, using the same computer. Within minutes of logging out as one identity the user would log back in, from the same computer, under a different user name. Unbelievable!
Both ADHD and non-ADHD spouses have a tendency to feel as if their own vision of the world is the way that the world really "is" - this feeling is human nature. We have many years on earth, we've learned certain things about how the world works and who we (and others) are in relation to what's around us. So it can be a revelation when we have the courage to step outside of our own view and try to see the world through our partner's eyes. Doing this can be very healing for a couple because in so doing you validate your partner.
I'm editing the section of my book that has to do with developing empathy for your spouse. I found many descriptions on this site about what it feels like to be the ADHD spouse, but have had less luck finding good quotes about the feelings that come with being the non-ADHD spouse. There's lots of "this is what my life is like" and comments about how people do/don't get along with their spouses, but less about their dreams/feelings etc. If you would like to write a paragraph or two about that below I would love to read it, as would the other readers at the site, I expect. Thanks.
What happens when an ADHD partner takes responsibility for ADHD issues, but still struggles to make things go smoothly? Here's a good example of the process that couples go through to find a balance that can work for them.
