While my husband reads most of the posts on this site as the administrator, he rarely weighs in. But yesterday he posted some heartfelt – and very wise - advice to a man with ADD whose wife is leaving him because she can’t take it anymore. George’s perspective as a previously badly behaving man with ADD who has successfully changed his life is worth sharing. Here’s what he says:
Ari Tuckman, author of the recently released "More Attention, Less Deficit: Success Strategies for Adults with ADHD" has generously written a blog post for this site about some of his take on ADHD and marriage. I include the post below:
I know what it’s like to be a non-ADD spouse and discover that you no longer like yourself. Many here have the same problem – they have struggled so long, and are so exhausted, that they can no longer find the core of who they are. I would like to share with you my own story of how I moved from disliking myself back to “being me” as well as provide some ideas for change that may help you.
I’ve written here before about how you might approach thinking about whether or not you should marry a person you know has ADHD (see this post), but there is a conversation going on in the forums now that makes we want to write further on the topic.
If you want to hear what Dr Phil and Dr Hallowell have to say about ADHD and marriage, as well as find out about some couples who are struggling with it, you can go to this page at the Dr. Phil website which recaps the July 9th show on saving marriages hurt by ADHD symptoms.
Welcome to the viewers from the Dr Phil Show, as well as other newcomers to this site. There is a lot here, so we suggest you start with the blog posts. Some of the "favorites" are under "Melissa's Favorite Posts" in the top right corner, or you can explore by area of concern in the "categories" area. The site also has a forum where people with concerns share them. Many find it reassuring that others share their issues but please understand that the forum is biased by the fact that those who have found this (unadvertised) site often seek it out because their marriage is in deep trouble.
Ned Hallowell likes to say that ADD is a “gift that’s hard to unwrap”. Frankly, I’m not sure how I feel about the “gift” idea – instead I tend to think of ADD as something that can be “sweet and sour”. When a person with ADD is in what I think of as “good alignment” (or perhaps their “sweet spot”) life can be very sweet. But when it’s sour everything can be awful!
It seems as if a lot of non-ADD spouses at this site have been bending over backwards to accommodate their ADD spouse’s issues, often finding that doing so is exhausting and making them angry and miserable. I would like to suggest that while negotiating how to meet somewhere in the middle is a part of all marriages, many non-ADD spouses are giving (and giving in) way too much. Let me explain –
It’s awful to feel as if you are the only one who is doing chores around your household – not to mention exhausting. Here are some ideas for redistributing the housework from my own experience.
If, like me, you are a non-ADD spouse, it’s easy to dwell on the aspects of ADD that are inconvenient and troubling. But what about those things that an ADD spouse might find inconvenient about a non-ADD spouse, but which often don’t get voiced? I came up against this last night when in a conversation with my husband about how quickly the ADD mind works.
