If you are in a marriage in which one spouse has ADHD and the other does not, I will guarantee you that you are both even more different than you think. Your brains works differently, you experience the world around you differently, and you interpret information differently. By understanding how, you can avoid common communication errors that lots of “mixed” couples make as well as learn to treasure your unique abilities.
Great news! Dr. Hallowell and his wife, Sue (who is a social worker and experienced marriage therapist in her own right) are going to give a special marriage weekend June 20-21 in Boston specifically for couples where one or both parthers has ADHD/ADD. They will limit it to 25 couples total, and the sessions will include teaching, coaching, small group work...plus a nice hotel. They've just written a new marriage workbook that they will be giving to participants to take home, too.
We all interpret the world around us through a set of filters. These can be based upon our upbringing, our family’s values, certain knowledge and, sometimes, our fears. Recently, I’ve been thinking about how the filters one chooses to use affect your relationship for better or for worse. One of the tricks, of course, is understanding your own filters.
You may be frustrated at the slow progress that seems to happen in your relationship. You push and push, yet little seems to change. You may have read about my comment that “If nothing changes, nothing changes” elsewhere on this blog – I woke up this morning wondering if we could use this idea to help couples make progress, and wondering if a few of you might like to join me in an experiment that might improve your marriage. Read on, and you’ll find the experiment at the end.
I have an old friend who has finally, in his mid-life crisis, decided to determine whether or not he has ADD. He has started to write me about his self-exploration, and the process he is going through is so positive that I would like to share some of the key elements here so that others with ADD can benefit from his learning and, possibly, follow his path. I’ve been getting many questions lately along the lines of “Please, tell me what I can do to keep my life, and marriage from falling apart!” Here are some concrete ideas.
It has been my observation that people with in ADD marriages violate each other’s personal boundaries quite frequently, and in both directions. This becomes a huge issue for the relationship, as both partners become locked in an unwitting struggle for control, lose respect for each other, and often lose a sense of themselves as unique individuals in a way that diminishes them individually and as a couple.
I have been thinking a lot lately about being responsible for yourself and taking care of yourself. Too many non-ADD spouses subordinate themselves to the issues that ADD brings into their lives and, in so doing, lose themselves (or worse, become someone whom they don’t recognize and don’t like). I think of this as being a victim of the tyranny of ADD. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
I have just read a book on the topic of anger and relationships that Dr Hallowell suggested - it's great and would be very, very helpful to any woman who is trying to make sense out of why nothing seems to change in her relationship even though she keeps trying to "fix" it. (Men would benefit, too, but the book happens to be written with women in mind). I have been trying to figure out how to communicate how to move from "stuck" to a more fluid place where couples can actually make progress.
I wanted to address a theme I see in MANY posts, and in my practice all the time. It is the problem of the husband who refuses to entertain that he might have ADD, that he might be contributing to the marital problems, that he might benefit from a consultation with an expert.
Do you find yourself uptight about whether or not your spouse’s sleeping schedule matches yours? Does going to bed at night together put you on edge? Are you unsure how to communicate about how close you want to be (or don’t want to be)? You may be suffering from an experience similar to the one my husband and I had.
