I have an old friend who has finally, in his mid-life crisis, decided to determine whether or not he has ADD. He has started to write me about his self-exploration, and the process he is going through is so positive that I would like to share some of the key elements here so that others with ADD can benefit from his learning and, possibly, follow his path. I’ve been getting many questions lately along the lines of “Please, tell me what I can do to keep my life, and marriage from falling apart!” Here are some concrete ideas.
It has been my observation that people with in ADD marriages violate each other’s personal boundaries quite frequently, and in both directions. This becomes a huge issue for the relationship, as both partners become locked in an unwitting struggle for control, lose respect for each other, and often lose a sense of themselves as unique individuals in a way that diminishes them individually and as a couple.
I have been thinking a lot lately about being responsible for yourself and taking care of yourself. Too many non-ADD spouses subordinate themselves to the issues that ADD brings into their lives and, in so doing, lose themselves (or worse, become someone whom they don’t recognize and don’t like). I think of this as being a victim of the tyranny of ADD. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
I have just read a book on the topic of anger and relationships that Dr Hallowell suggested - it's great and would be very, very helpful to any woman who is trying to make sense out of why nothing seems to change in her relationship even though she keeps trying to "fix" it. (Men would benefit, too, but the book happens to be written with women in mind). I have been trying to figure out how to communicate how to move from "stuck" to a more fluid place where couples can actually make progress.
I wanted to address a theme I see in MANY posts, and in my practice all the time. It is the problem of the husband who refuses to entertain that he might have ADD, that he might be contributing to the marital problems, that he might benefit from a consultation with an expert.
Do you find yourself uptight about whether or not your spouse’s sleeping schedule matches yours? Does going to bed at night together put you on edge? Are you unsure how to communicate about how close you want to be (or don’t want to be)? You may be suffering from an experience similar to the one my husband and I had.
I often hear the comment that non-ADHD spouses need to lower their expectations in order to be happy in their relationships. I would disagree. I think that all spouses need to improve their expectations. Let me explain my thinking, and how this might work in the real world.
You know you have ADD. Your marriage is disintegrating and you think the ADD might have something to do with it, but you can’t figure out what to do improve things. What do you do? This post is very long, but worth the 10 minutes you’ll need to take to get through it as it gets at the very heart of what goes wrong in many ADD relationships. I think every couple struggling with ADD can learn important coping skills from my response to this man’s question.
I have read a couple of posts recently that have noted that reading all of the posts in the forum makes people frightened for the future of their relationship with a person with ADD. “Do we have a chance?” these people ask. The answer, unequivocally, is YES! Let me share one of these posts, which I think really clearly states many of the issues in ADD relationships, and then tell you why and how I think this couple can (and will) succeed.
I've been reading an interesting forum posting series from non-ADD spouses about the kinds of things they say helps them navigate their relationships. I would love to hear from more of you. What works for you? What tips would you give others? You've seen lots of what I write...now it's your turn to "dole out the advice"! And, if you want to read that forum, go to this link. (But please put your ideas attached to this blog post so that others can easily find them!)
