Medications sure can help your relationship – as can non-medicinal treatments! But the spouse with the ADHD may not realize it – that’s where you need to give him (or her) some constructive feedback. This comment is typical of what happens:
In a blog about ADHD and marriage, it’s all too easy to “hyperfocus” on the ins and outs of relationships, without looking at some more general issues that many have with ADHD. We got this post recently from a man who is having trouble focusing at work. So, for all of you who have trouble getting going at work, here are some tips:
A woman who has been married for 3 years to a man who was diagnosed with ADD after they got married, has taken the time to write to me quite a bit about her situation. It is one that I recognize, as it closely mirrors the situation I had in the beginning of my own marriage. One of the key issues is that she and her husband had a wonderful courtship, during which he “hyperfocused” on her (though neither knew that this was the case as it was happening). Now she is desperate to feel loved and in the kind of relationship her courtship had led her to expect, but she finds her spouse unrecognizable. Not only does he not connect with her, but he dismisses her concerns about their lack of connection, leaving her frequently in tears. She is “in shock because I feel as if the person I fell in love with doesn’t exist”.
We had a long post (and follow-up email) from a woman who is at her wits end about how to resolve the “do I stay or leave?” question. She cares for her husband, but he is driving her crazy and he impacts her life so negatively that she was depressed and on medications for a while. A couple of people have already responded with supportive advice, so check out the comments, but here is the original message and our thoughts:
"How can an ADHD affected spouse get a job and hold it to earn a living if he cannot find his keys/wallet/cellphone etc? How can a spouse NOT be tired out by repeated same scenarios of disorder and chaos repeatedly discussed and never changing?"
These are questions that cut to the heart of the long-term ADHD relationship. I would like to address the non-ADHD spouse first, then circle back to the ADHD spouse.
Welcome to our ADHD and Marriage blog! Please read this before you post: Much of what is written on this blog is of a personal nature due to the blog’s topic. We ask that you follow some basic rules:
I came upon this article about making one ADD spouse / one non-ADD spouse marriages work. The author, Andrea Little (now Andrea Betts) had culled these guidelines together with her marriage support group peers. I link to it here and hope that you enjoy the group's perspective and collective wisdom.
Effectively communicating with your spouse often seems like hard work - pushing the proverbial rock up the hill. Have you ever stopped to consider the role that your everyday responses play in how smooth - or rocky - that communication is?
