People often ask me the question – how did you find the inspiration to turn your marriage, and your life, around? I think you know when “inspiration” hits – it’s like a light bulb going on. Something very central to who you are and how you think changes dramatically enough so that you find hope, balance, and a sense of self that rings true and provides drive from the inside out. Inspiration, whether it comes as an “aha moment” or as a steady set of choices about being a better person, can come from many sources, and I would like to suggest a few here.
I gave a talk last night for ADDclasses.com about overcoming anger and frustration in ADHD relationships. At the end of the session listeners asked two very important questions: how do I get my spouse with ADHD to admit he has ADD and participate in improving our relationship? And, as an ADHD spouse, how do I get my non-ADD spouse to admit I have ADD and start to deal with it?
Treatment and communication skills are only part of the process of improving your marriage. Research shows that another really important thing to do is HAVE FUN! By replacing “down” times with “up” times you create new patterns and new pathways in your brain that support growing and continued happiness. To spur you on, I have created a list of fun activities you might try!
The country of Bhutan has set its goal for development as "Gross National Happiness" rather than "GNP". This got me thinking - what would happen if your goal for your marriage was GMH - Gross Marital Happiness? Bhutan guides its development ideas with "four pillars of Gross National Happiness". They are sustainable development, environmental protection, cultural preservation, and good governance. What would be the pillars of GMH?
One of the most frequent questions that comes up is one of frustration – “how do I get my ADD spouse to listen to me about our problems?” The short answer is that you can’t if he doesn’t want to, but let me elaborate, as this is clearly at the heart of many struggling marriages.
At its worst, my ADD marriage was filled with swirling, extreme emotions – hope, anxiety, depression, anger, frustration. These were overwhelming and make me feel hopeless until I started addressing these emotions at their most basic roots. Perhaps, with a few of the ideas I put down here, you’ll be able to start sorting out – and improving – some of the most troubling emotions you feel in your own relationship.
There is a terrific blog out there that can provide lots of insight into what it's like to have ADD - and that provides very thoughtful ideas for how to get the most out of ADD. The author, Jennifer Koretsky, has ADD and is the editor of ADDA's newsletter. Read today's post, What Won't You Do to Get the Job Done? to get a flavor for how she might contribute to your own insights about ADD in yourself or your spouse.
Do you have the experience where everything you do seems to end in conflict? Are you in the middle of a conversation and suddenly your spouse is going on and on about how you used the wrong word? One of our readers wrote about it this way: "the entire conversation is ignored and the one word is focused on, whether it be to accuse me of changing facts, or blaming her for something, taking a stab at me or just flat out missing the point...there is so much anger and unhappiness ... I have stopped talking since everything I say gets disected and used against me in some way."
There is now a wealth of information in the forum and blog posts here about what types of issues are related to ADD. A recent post reminded me that it also makes sense to focus a bit (pun intended) on the fact that not all marital issues can be ascribed to ADD (and the inverse, which I wrote about in my "Ode" post that some wonderful things in a relationship can be directly attributed to ADD characteristics). Here is the post that brought this to mind and my response:
It's too easy to think that ADD relationships are most often negative or hard. They can be, but don't have to be - which is what this blog is all about. Here's a reflection on the many really wonderful things that my husband’s and my daughter’s ADD bring to our family. I’ve outlined just a few of them below. Perhaps, after reading this, you’ll share some of the joy that ADD brings to your life with readers of this blog.
