I often hear the comment that non-ADHD spouses need to lower their expectations in order to be happy in their relationships. I would disagree. I think that all spouses need to improve their expectations. Let me explain my thinking, and how this might work in the real world.
You know you have ADD. Your marriage is disintegrating and you think the ADD might have something to do with it, but you can’t figure out what to do improve things. What do you do? This post is very long, but worth the 10 minutes you’ll need to take to get through it as it gets at the very heart of what goes wrong in many ADD relationships. I think every couple struggling with ADD can learn important coping skills from my response to this man’s question.
I have read a couple of posts recently that have noted that reading all of the posts in the forum makes people frightened for the future of their relationship with a person with ADD. “Do we have a chance?” these people ask. The answer, unequivocally, is YES! Let me share one of these posts, which I think really clearly states many of the issues in ADD relationships, and then tell you why and how I think this couple can (and will) succeed.
I've been reading an interesting forum posting series from non-ADD spouses about the kinds of things they say helps them navigate their relationships. I would love to hear from more of you. What works for you? What tips would you give others? You've seen lots of what I write...now it's your turn to "dole out the advice"! And, if you want to read that forum, go to this link. (But please put your ideas attached to this blog post so that others can easily find them!)
Just read an entry on Sari Solden's blog about what to look for when searching for a marriage counselor if one or more of you has ADHD. Go to this link to read her suggestions.
It’s common to have concerns about taking medications for ADHD. “I don’t want to be medicated every day” is a common theme, as are concerns about side effects. But not taking medications also has side effects. Today I thought that I would try to cover some of the pros and cons of this difficult issue.
Are you embarrassed when your ADD spouse takes over a conversation at a party, and doesn’t notice when his audience winces or starts to yawn? People with ADD often have more difficulty reading emotional cues than those without, and this can cause some interesting moments both socially, and even between just the two of you at home. What to do?
Transitions are often very hard with people with ADHD, and this can cause headaches for couples. The typical response is that a non-ADD spouse expresses anger and disappointment that the ADHD spouse is never on time, can’t start or complete chores, and never seems to get into bed at a reasonable hour. This doesn’t need to be the way things are, though...
I recently read posting from a woman who has recently discovered her fiance has ADHD. In a somewhat unexpected way, the post brings forward some real issues for those who are considering marriage to an ADHD person, so I thought it worthwhile to post it, and some thoughts on this topic, as a blog entry:
A thank you to all who have been posting responses and ideas in the forum this month! As I catch back up with the blog and forum (I've been on vacation, feeling guilty about not attending to all of you...but immersed enough in what I was doing that I didn't really have time to respond to the forum questions thoughtfully). I've been impressed with the tone, as well as the content. of what people have written. (One person even posted EXACTLY what I would have posted as a response on memory - an article from a Hallowell newsletter. Wow!)
