Hi,

My husband is 40 years old. We've been married for 5 years, together for almost 15, and have a 4.5 year old son. We've recently realized that my husband exhibits many symptoms/behaviors of ADHD. It came to a head about a month ago, when I had him hospitalized in a psychiatric ward, because he had become extremely manic and was not making sense to me. He came to learn that he was experiencing extreme racing thoughts. The things that led him to that place were in summary:

• being fired from his family business by his mother 3 years ago, this was our sole income and we had a young child and a mortgage.
• he worked in this business his whole life and thought he was in charge - his mother wasn't happy with his performance or his lack of communication with her and decided to end the business relationship. Needless to say this was VERY hurtful and scary for my husband and myself. 
• I decided we needed to move from our current home to where I am from, 1500 miles away, so that we could be near my family for support and I could go back to work as a full time graphic designer. 
• We moved, found a nice house in a nice community, I found a very good job making more money than we were making before, and my husband stayed home with our son - who was almost two at the time. He would be the primary caretaker, and work on fixing up our house. and think about what he might want to do for a job when our son got a little older. 
• This past summer, he started becoming more and more overwhelmed. He turned 40, our son was in school part time, and I was reminding him that once our son was in full day school, he should think about what he'd want to do for a job. 
• The house was not being kept clean, getting more and more full of junk. I began to nag more and more, and withdraw from him, because I was resentful of his behavior. 
• He began drinking more and smoking pot more (he's always smoked pot to deal with his "anxiety", and to be honest it never bothered me, and I thought it helped his moods, and ability to get his chores done)
• I drink wine regularly, but my father was an alcoholic, so I have a hard time with my husband drinking one or two too many. 
• At the beginning of october, his mother was coming to visit. And it turns out he wasn't as ok with that as he thought, so I think that combined with all of the above, pushed him into a nervous breakdown of sorts. For about 4 days, he was talking non stop, about thinks I coulnd't really follow, the house was a disaster, and I was freaked out. 
• I asked him to come to the doctor with me, but he dind't want. 
• I ended up calling the local police for help. After speaking with him, they called an ambulance. And he was talking to the ER in restraints. 
• It was very scary, and I felt awful about it. 
• He was hospitalized for 1 week, and got very little help. 
• He saw his primary care doctor a couple of times when he got home and began to realize that while he didn't feel he needed to be hospitalized in that manner, he realized we had a problem. to him at that time, I wasn't listening to him (which I guess was true)
• We started seeing a psychologist together. I described the things that brought us to there, and he described some of the things he was feeling. She said it sounded like ADHD to her. 
• We were a little shocked by the assessment - it seemed too simple. 
• But then we read a list of 100 questions in the book driven to distraction. and he could answer to yes to about 85% of them. 
• He continued seeing the therapist on his own, but he has been resistant to medication until last week, he decided he would try it. So he's waiting to talk to his GP to discuss getting a prescription. Our psychologist can't write Rx. 
• That bring us to the present. We went to my mom's house for thanksgiving. He was VERY nervous to go, as it was his first visit since his hospitalization. It didn't go great.
• He and my mom don't have a great relationship. She doesn't understand him or his ways, and can be pretty judgey and passive aggressive. I usually interfere too much in their interactions and cause more stress. I also tend to defend his behavior. 
• We were supposed to have xmas at her house, and she told me today that she doesn't want him to come. I was very hurt by this, but she is right. He's not ready, she's not ready. 

I guess the reason I am here, is to here that there is hope for us. Can finding the right medication help him get along with people better, or is that just wishful thinking. 

We are tired of fighting. I tend to need to control things, and I have been getting so impatient with him. He wants to be better so badly, but can't seem to get out of his own way. He's also very impatient with the process of finding the right tools/treatments. 

I guess I'm just looking for encouragement. We don't want to split up. Advice, info on medication, tips, anything needed!

Thanks for "listening"

pqs

   So, what about that question of how do you show support for someone's plans when you know they aren't likely to bear fruit?  It's very important to my husband to feel like I believe in him.  There's all this history for people with ADHD of failure and they feel that constant shame.  I don't want my loved one to feel that way.  I want him to feel good about himself.  But... And yet...  Years and years of promises, of enthusiasms that end before anything comes of them.  And somehow, try as I might, the cost falls on me.  I support us.  I clean up the messes (literally and figuratively).  I don't want to be the parent.  I don't want to be punitive.  Nor do I want to be enabling.  I keep being supportive of his ideas and efforts to do something productive, but so far, none of it has panned out (in ten years together, but we are in our 50's and his past history is pretty much the same - 3 years of a full-time career 20 years ago).  He is falling into despair and nothing I do makes it better - I think he almost resents me more for being supportive because then when he doesn't follow through it makes him feel worse.  

I just read this on a site called "liveabout.com"  It really speaks to me.

"The passive aggressive man sabotages his marriage but it takes that one special woman to enable him to do so. That woman who, in dealing with her own issues is attracted to the walking wounded. That woman who goes above and beyond when it comes to making a relationship work.  And, she will continue to attract passive aggressive men until she realizes that, as an adult woman she has the ability to limit how much damage another person can do to her life. Being loved should never mean turning yourself inside out for anyone. Being loved means knowing when to set boundaries, knowing your own worth and if need be, walking away from a man who does nothing but withdraw and withhold what you desire."

I have been turning myself inside out and don't recognize 2 people I once liked and loved - him and me.   I am doing a lot of soul searching and acceptance lately.  I am just sharing because I guess this morning I feel lonely and alone.

I’m a 62 year old man with ADHD, married for 29 years. My wife and I have 2 children, ages 29 and 28.  Although my wife and I knew I had ADHD all along, we never realized the extent that ADHD negatively impacted our marriage. Taking “The ADHD Effect on Marriage” last year helped turn our marriage around.  I’ve optimized my meds and have developed systems to improve my reliability and productivity.  My wife finally understood the destructiveness of her unrelenting criticism and aggressive anger, which frequently escalated to rage and abusive behavior. We’ve both successfully eliminated most of the negative behaviors that had contributed to an unhappy marriage.  Our marriage has greatly improved.  Thank you Melissa.

Before taking the course, I regularly experienced verbal, emotional and psychological abuse in my marriage.  And on one occasion, my wife hit me. The abuse was never reciprocal.

Due to the positive changes we’ve both made and instituting healthy boundaries, I know my wife’s abusive behavior will not reoccur.   Yet, I still bear the scars. Sometimes, I relive the specific incidents of abuse.  My confidence and sense of self-worth took a beating.  I have a diminished capacity to experience fun and joy.  In response to maternal gatekeeping, harsh criticism and abuse, I physically and emotionally withdrew from the family.  I was not the father I should have been to my children.  Witnessing their mother’s behavior, my children concluded long ago I was not worthy of their respect.

My wife and I have never discussed the abuse. It’s never been acknowledged nor apologized for.  I’ve not disclosed the abuse to anyone outside of therapy.  I’m no longer willing to bear my experience in silence.  I’m ready to face the darkness, start healing myself and hopefully remove a huge barrier in our relationship.

Melissa, I’d appreciate suggestions on how to raise this issue with my wife.

Thank you in advance.