So, we are at the point where I’ve literally done all the research, said everything 500 times, and made my feelings very clear.  My husband’s anger is, at times, explosive and that’s just not ok.  Even if it’s infrequent.  I’ve used “I” statements, soft starts (per Melissa), and tiptoed carefully around him with my words, which often get twisted and misinterpreted anyway.  I’ve made suggestions about meeting with his doctor, changing meds, and trying alternative therapies, like coaching.  I’ve recommended getting his sleep and diet back on track, exercising, etc.  

But, at some point, after you’ve done all that REPEATEDLY and he hasn’t shown any action on his part, don’t you just have to say “I can’t fix things alone, so if you’re not going to participate, I’m leaving you” ???  I don’t believe in ultimatums generally, but how else can one put this after spinning your wheels for so long?  And is it OK to say this?  I said it this weekend.  And the answer I got was “but if I do x,y, and z and I still screw up, then what?”  

I can’t fix his cyclical thinking of failure.  Nor do I want him to seek help just because I “nagged” him (which is SO far from true because this has been an issue for 15 yrs!).  I’m just so tired.  Physically and emotionally.  Did I do the right thing?  What do I tell him when he says part of his failure to act is based on his fear that nothing will work??

So, a few weeks ago, after yet another angry outburst that I’ve said time and time again is not acceptable in our home, I said I thought we should separate.  I don’t want to.  I said it out of desperation.  And because he was yelling at me, provoking me.  Because we’ve had the SAME CONVERSATION 500 times about how his expression of anger has eroded our relationship.  He gets mad.  I say that was not ok.  He gets defensive.  I clam up for days.  Things blow over.  But they really don’t.  Not for me.  This pattern happens over and over and over.  So, after I said the ‘s’ word, he said he would call an ADHD coach and consult his doctor about different meds.  But he hasn’t. And I’m just seething.  Because when I ask him “did you do x?” then he says I’m treating him like an infant.  But, after these conversations, he acts like they never happened!  Other things take priority.  He gets distracted by work, etc.  While I just wait around, silently huffing and puffing inside. So, I don’t know what to do.  If I start a conversation about his behavior, or treatment, or anything related to this issue, he gets defensive.  Even when I use “I” statements.  But, sitting around waiting for him to tell me what’s going on isn’t working either.  He won’t initiate conversations about our marriage.  How do you TALK to people like this?????  I am a communicator. But the person I love most cannot be communicated with!  I can not reconcile this.

Hi all,

the information is so good here I wanted to post a question and would really like to hear your point of view.

my gf has undiagnosed ADHD, I only became aware when a good common friend of us who has diagnosed ADHD told me that in his view my gf (or my ex) had ADHD herself as she shows a lot of the signs, he told me this AFTER I ended the relationship, after I got educated on ADHD it all made sense, so I agree with him, i strongly believe she was ADHD just she is so unaware of it.

Anyway, I broke up with her 2 months ago because I couldn't take her lies anymore, especially when she lied about her being in touch with her ex behind my back. Our relationship was a roller coaster and it was really tough,I saw myself changing and walking on shells to avoid issues with her... I was basically loosing myself, I took the blame she assigned to me (in her eyes, i was the guilty one of all the problems in our relationship). So i ended it....  she is not accountable, she does not take the responsibility, and she projects a hell of a lot.... ...

the issue is , now that I know she has ADHD, I think i can deal with it better and given that I miss her so much, I would like to give another shot to the relationship, of course part of me wants to walk away, but part of me wants to try to make it work with all the knowledge that I have now, although she has not managed to have a relationship longer than 2 years with anybody and she is close to being 50 yrs old.

The problem is that she seems to be very interested in entering another relationship now, she started to contact an ex of hers (another ex) who is in a relationship and they have started an affair (she is the third one in the affair behind the back of the current gf). She started this shortly after i broke up with her and she seems to just want to get this woman no matter what, this woman seems to be just playing with her as she is VERY protective of her current relationship.

She was so angry with me she didnt want to talk at all. I dont know how to approach her, I dont even know if she will ever be back! she seems to be hyperfocus on this ex of hers (btw, this ex of hers had another affair about 3 years ago, and this person never left the relationship she was on to establish a new one witih the girl who became my gf)

So, do you think she is gone for good?

I have never been one to value power, prefering to value love and sacrifice more.  But I am learning that was my undoing.  I have been making it my project to understand power and how a person needs to be aware of it. The following is an article from Psychology Today that helps me to see where I have been part of the problem of my own resentment and sadness.  I think this is important to be aware of.  So some of us may stop crying and start to work on our self esteem and .....oooh, I had always hated this word....POWER. It seems selfish to me.  But I know that I, for one, need to exert some power over my own situation...over my own well being and self respect and real honesty.  I have many times felt that the phrase "He who care the least in a relationship, wins" seems to be the story of my marriage...husband exerting power and "winning" most of the time because I was not playing power games but that is the way he perceives life in general. But I am studying POWER today for the health of being aware and having sanity.

Power Changes Everything

Denying the dignity of one partner has consequences not only for relationship stability and happiness, but for health.

...The “new science of power” emerging from decades-long research shows that “people with power tend to behave like patients with damage to the brain’s frontal lobes, a condition that can cause overly impulsive and insensitive behavior.”

The possession of power changes powerholders—usually in ways invisible to them—by triggering activation of the behavioral approach system. It’s automatic. Nevertheless, it makes powerful people quick to act on appetites, to detect opportunities for material and social rewards such as food, money, attention, sex, and approval. They think about sex more and flirt more flagrantly. Poorly attuned to others, they pay little attention to others’ feelings and assess their attitudes, interests, and needs inaccurately. Politeness be damned, they act rudely, indulging their own whims. “Having power,” Keltner reports, “makes people more likely to act as sociopaths.”

The biological oppposite marks the powerless. Their lack of power activates the brain’s inhibitory system. It also ushers in negative feelings, like anxiety and depression, hallmark emotions of those denied power. 

“Whenever someone gives up her voice,” says Harriet Lerner, author of the now-classic The Dance of Anger and most recently of Marriage Rules, “whenever one person in the relationship sacrifices too much of the self, that partner experiences the greatest loss of power and to develop depression or anxiety or headaches.” 

One of the consequences of powerlessness is that the fear narrows focus onto threats and makes the powerless keen observers of those who have power over them. They know them better than the powerful know themselves. It’s a natural channel for self-preservation.

The necessity of childcare gives rise to power inequalities that erode a sense of self and decision-making power. “The woman usually becomes the only parent who is changing her life for the children. She loses outside influence and sense of who she is. As she loses power as an individual, her partner may exercise veto power in decision making or become cavalier about when to be home for dinner.

Compounding the problem is income disparity. It tends to give men more decision-making power.

Enter resentment and anger. It can undermine the generosity and goodwill that make a relationship work. Often, sex becomes an instrument for withholding or rewarding. But most of all, the once-equal partner now has a diminished sense of self—unless she brings an unusual array of personal resources into the relationship. Here’s where charm, beauty, social skills, and fitness count, undemocratic as their distribution might be. They confer power precisely because they imply a person can function outside the relationship.