Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Husband with add wants to split by: Isa 6 years 10 months ago

    weve been together for 16 years and we've had the rollercoaster ride many have. He's been diagnosed and medicated but little else has changed. We have 2 lovely children . Over the years I've been back and forth with understanding, tolerance, fear, anger, frustration. I've been supportive and understanding and have read as much as I can about ADHD and tried my utmost to be the best I can for us all. 

    Hes been unfaithful, has got into debt, is short tempered with the kids and has all the usual difficult add behaviours. He's currently addicted to Pokemon go and has got the kids into it so they all go out at all hours for hours chasing imaginary characters. The kids are over it but he's still trying to persuade them to go with him.  He's also a kind, sweet man who loves his kids and can be ( or used to be) charming, talented and charismatic.

    over the past 2 years things have got pretty bad- life has caught up with us and we have struggled. Finances, business, kids, have all suffered and we've become less and less affectionate and have been pretty horrible to each other. I've planned to leave many times as well as trying to resolve our issues and talk things through. He's had his head in the sand and refused to engage with me.  I've read the books, we've been to specialist relatiO ship therapists and yet we somehow never get back in track but never separate either. I paid for Melissa's online relationship course but he showed no interest in doing it. We've been limping along pretending hi ha are ok.

    so tonight he finally says he thinks we're over and I'm suddenly faced with him making the decision instead of me and I don't know how I feel. I still love him but agree we can't go in like this. I don't know if I'm just afraid, sad, worried for the kids, or do I really still want to be with him. Is it a case of not accepting him making the decision? Wounded pride? I'm so confused and uncertain. I k ow no one else can know my situation or make a decision for me but I feel so alone and just don't know what to do. Any support or thoughts ? 

     

    Thank you 

  • Desperately need some help / advice by: themightyasok 6 years 10 months ago

    Hi all,

    my names stu. I bought the book for couples today and found out about this website. I could really do with some help from anyone who might be going through what I am going through right now.

    Basically ive suspected ive had ADHD all my life, i was sort of diagnosed with it a few years ago. Im 39 now, I live in Liverpool in the UK and, sadly, my marriage has failed.

    I have two amazing kids, and a wife I love to bits, and I cannot change what has happened it would seem. However, we have to live together for now and although she is saying she will give me the chance to see whatever might develop in the future, shes also saying that has to happen with us moving in different directions. I think she just wants a simple life with someone who doesnt have my condition, even though i am literally just at the stage of learning about it, and going to see my first counsillor this week. I know, now, that i can fix the parts of me now that caused our marriage to breakdown, and be the good person of me...however, I think the ADHD is not letting me accept whats happening and I am making her life hell at home. I am almost at panic attack stage because the immediate situation i need resiolving wont happen and i cant see the greater good. The book tells me this is ADHD too. She has agreed to read the book but i see no conviction in her because she thinks i have never tried, and now I amn trying when the horse has bolted. 

    I have used drugs and things for years on and off - self medication, need for dopamine, whatever that is,. I have quit everything now but its all too little too late. 

    I need some help. I need some advice, anything, that will help me focus and get through what im going through to give some space at home. Its absolutely killing me, Its crippling because I know now i can fix it. But im too late.

    ADHD is making the situation that ADHD created much much worse. I dont know what to do. I am lost. Has anyone been through this because I need the experiences of someone who might have.

    I feel very alone. All my friends say jst give her the space and time and she might start to see your actions are speaking louder than your words but...I just cant do it as it has a stronger control of me right now than ever. We also both work at home, and I dont know how i will get through the next 2 hours let alone the next 6 months. 

    If anyone can help me with any advice I would really appreciate it.

    Thanks

    Stu

  • Wow. Just Wow. by: vabeachgal 6 years 10 months ago
  • Wife ADHD. Will separation destroy me? by: virgo83 6 years 10 months ago

    My wife of 10 years has anxiety, depression, and ADHD. We have three children, one has been diagnosed and one seems to have ADHD but has not yet been diagnosed. 

     I love my wife, im not going to try and make myself out as a victim, but I am always angry. I try not to show my anger, but it gets unleashed when I feel trapped. I go for a walk.. I yell into a pillow.. I practise mixed martial arts as a way of coping, thankfully I have friends who are more than happy to have me take out my anger on them physically. Sometimes it's too hard. I've cried, we've gone for counselling many times. Over the last couple weeks we've decided to get separated. It wasn't until than that I finally realized that Maybe there wasn't anything she could do. I've always been critical, now I realize to critical. My criticism left her depressed which left her not wanting to be around me. Not because she didn't love me, but because she felt as though she couldn't meet up to my standards. She deals with her depression by meeting people. Starting relationships with people is something that she is fantastic at. Something I always loved about her was how social she is. However because of that she has always had other men trying to peruse her. She loves attention, you can ask any of our friends. However according to her it's always been platonic. With that being said she's had her phone locked for years, and if I ask about it I'm being controlling, and obsessive. I don't check the phone bill anymore because I've had my hart broken so many times trying to figure out why she couldn't just be happy with me. 

    She's always gone to bed with me. So I have no reason to believe that she's been unfaithful other than the fact that she's gone out for coffee or to meet someone during the day.

    if she has cheated on me I want out. But I have no proof and I can't get any transparency. We decided to get separated because we've had enough but I can't afford to loose my home, she has no formal education past grade 10, and I'm worried if I went ahead with it my kids will loose there home, my wife will loose her mind, and I will loose what I've always wanted and worked hard for which is a home and loving family. Recently I talked to her and told her that I'd rather try and work on us one last time. I'm going to a counsellor to see if I can find ways to change myself to maybe bring her out of the bedroom. She stays in bed on her phone the majority of the day, and only comes out to do something for herself most of the time. 

    If anyone has any advice or is sympathetic I'd love to hear it.

     

     

  • His Blinding anger is ruining us by: purplesquirrel 6 years 10 months ago

    Hi, my partner was diagnosed with ADHD and was on medication and seeking help before I met him. He changed jobs during our relationship and chose to come off the meds as he was no longer covered with private health insurance.

    We now have terrible rows. He goes from 0-100 in the space of a few seconds. Then he is like a dog with a bone. He won’t stop ranting. It’s awful. He’s not very good at empathising either or reflecting. 

    The reason I’m still here is because he is incredibly lovely. He has changed so much over our time together in a good way. 

    I hit crisis point over Christmas. I am ready to leave. He is going to arrange Cbt as soon as he can and look at going back on the meds. 

    Will these measures help his anger? Or are we doomed? 

  • Real this time? by: -Willow- 6 years 10 months ago
  • Christmas gift idea! by: Heart's Desire 6 years 10 months ago

    in case anyone is looking for a last minute Christmas gift idea, I just found the perfect one for my ADHD husband, that I think will also help our relationship! haha

    There's these little bluetooth trackers that you can put in wallets, on keys, etc. and that track to an app on your phone. Called 'Tile'. Available at BestBuy here in Canada. . online in the states and I think if ordered today will arrive by Christmas. Hopefully this can help avoid the frustrated "WHERE"S MY XYZ!!!!!" directed at partners. I hadn't heard of these until today, so maybe this is old hat to some, but I thought I'd pass along!

    Happy Holidays everyone. 

     

  • Non-ADD Spouse coping help by: NerdyMom 6 years 10 months ago

    I’ll just start by saying I’m in therapy and I have been.  My plan is to tell my therapist Thursday that  we need to start working on my anger/frustration/resentment exclusively for a while.

    The reason for that is that my husband made a relatively minor forgetful omission, and we had words about it at the dinner table.   Our 3 year old said “Mommy punishing you, Daddy” which broke my heart. We don’t even punish our son so I’m not sure where he got that.  We usually try not to have discussion in front of him.

    I have known for a while that I have an unreasonable amount of anger often.  Sometimes it feels more like rage.   It is probably because we have spent all our savings on living expenses because he’s been out of work a year following his diagnosis.  I had plans for that money such as travel and home repairs (desperately needed—we have an unuseable deck that’s a hazard).

    Also, when he “forgets” me or doesn’t think of me, I feel so unloved.  He doesn’t touch me nearly as often as I want.  Not in a sexual way, just little caresses or kisses or hugs or leaning into each other as we sit on the couch.   The feeling unloved just makes everything else worse.  I do not know if that is ADD or not.

    I WILL get help from my therapist, I’m just wondering whether any other non-ADD spouses have tips for dealing with frustration/rage/grief about your spouses omissions or has any perspective on the touch/feeling unloved issue.  Or any strategies I might be able to offer my spouse to make any of this easier.

  • Done with his flooding by: Goldilox73 6 years 10 months ago

    After almost 15 yrs of a rocky marriage and 2 kids (one of  whom has ADHD), I fear the flooding my husband experiences is going to end our marriage.  I’ve tried to tolerate it.  His defense is that it only happens once in a while so I shouldn’t hold that against him or carry it as baggage in our relationship.  But, I can’t.  I’m not built for this.  He is a wonderful man with a kind heart and all the morals and good values any wife would look for.  And when he’s not held hostage by his quick temper, he is helpful and fun and attentive.  BUT, when something happens to set him off (even something accidental) he becomes a different person.  Someone I don’t like.  His tone becomes loud and bitterly sarcastic.  He will yell and curse in front of our kids.  I don’t know this man.  And as quickly as it happens, it’s over for him.  But I am left feeling bitter and unhappy and drained.  My feelings of love have been diminished.  Even when he’s being nice, I can’t help thinking “it won’t last, he’ll have another outburst soon enough.”  He has ADHD.  I also believe he has what Melissa calls rejection sensitive dysphoria.  I’ve seen him get rageful when our son doesn’t feel like hugging him.  It’s terrible.  He doesn’t even realize it.  He is taking ADHD meds.  But he won’t do the important work involved in therapy/anger management to really get this in check.  I am very conflicted and keep fantasizing about leaving him.  We don’t have trust issues or affairs.  We are not physically abusive to each other.  I know in my heart that if he really worked hard, he could change.  But, I can’t make him work.  He went to therapy for 2 mos, and stopped because of 1 thing the therapist said that pissed him off.  I keep thinking, “am I ready to leave?  One more outburst and maybe I’ll just fly out the door in a fit of anger?  WHAT WILL MY LAST STRAW ACTUALLY BE???  Or have all my straws already been broken?  Maybe if I say I’m leaving that will finally wake him up?”  Sorry for the rant.  I am seeing a therapist and working on “me.”  But my feelings about my marriage remain negative and sad, even when things are peaceful...because they are never peaceful for long.  

  • NanoGlutathione by: Hopeful Heart 6 years 10 months ago

    My husband has not been successful with any conventional ADHD medications. We have tried several alternative treatments and are still searching for solutions. 

    I would encourage you to consider trying this over the counter supplement. My husband has been using it for about three weeks and has experienced some promising results. 

    The very first time he took the supplement he sat down at the computer and worked for a solid four hours. He said that it would usually take him a week to accomplish what he was able to accomplish in four hours. He said that his work was much more streamlined and he didn’t go off on so many rabbit trails.

    Yesterday he finished some very lengthy and tedious monthly reports two weeks early. He usually completes them several days late.

    I noticed with one activity that we did together that he was more content and less extreme.  

    Today he said to me, “I feel like I’m seeing things more clearly now.”  He didn’t elaborate on his statement and I didn’t want to grill him on it. But I have to believe it’s a really good sign. 

    https://www.nanoceuticalsolutions.com/product/1-bottle-nanosized-subling...

    The product is Nano Glutathione from Nanoceutical Solutions. 

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