Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Past the ultimatum stage and need help with the next step by: ICanSeeClearlyNow 6 years 11 months ago

    Hi all, I signed up here a few years ago, I think when I was on maternity leave with my daughter who is now 4.  My husband always jokes about his ADHD, but he truly has all the classic signs of it (that I see in my students at school who have been diagnosed - I'm a teacher) - gets obsessed with projects and loses touch with everything else, loses everything, quick to anger when he feels he's being criticized.  But he also has some amazing coping mechanisms that he's created himself, particularly where time is concerned.  He's amazing at using timers and his phone to keep him on time for everything.  And he works full time and is very good at his job.  So I had hope when I first approached him about us trying therapy or at least reading Melissa's book together that he'd be willing.  But he wasn't willing.  He felt if I was unhappy, then I had to fix the unhappiness myself because he was fine.

     I read the book and identified myself in the nagging parent role and slowly removed myself from it as much as I could (old habits die hard).  I went to therapy to get my thoughts together and the therapist gently suggested that if only one person was willing to work on the relationship, it most likely wouldn't work.  But the therapy also showed me something else.  What I had thought was just a "good `ole boy" drinking thing, was actually alcoholism.  Slowly, I opened my eyes to how much it was affecting our family.  I also realized it was preventing me from carrying out one of the suggestions in the book - to have my own life.  I was afraid to go out and leave my very young children with a husband who most nights of the week, drinks heavily.  I became aware of events I turned down and one that I actually cancelled when he'd had way too much to drink before I left.  Again, he was not willing to acknowledge that this was a problem or make any changes.

    After a couple of years of dealing with some health problems that made it hard for me to make the big decision, I am finally here, recovered, but exhausted and no more spark left.  I'm definitely carrying the majority of the work at home and the child care while working full time.  This is after hiring a cleaning company to come in once every couple of weeks and asking my parents for help with the kids when I really need it.  Asking him to help in any way often leads to a "no", but if I'm struggling I get the old, "But you should just ask me for help."  I can't handle that anymore, it upsets me so much.  I've been asking him for years to stay at the table during dinner instead of leaving when he's finished but the kids are still eating.  But he won't.  He wolfs down his food and leaves.  Sometimes doesn't even come for dinner at the beginning.  He gets up later than the kids and I and then starts rushing all of us when he wants to leave.  Sometimes the lilttlest things like, "I think it might be garbage day tomorrow" turn into him feeling criticized and snapping at me about it.  I hate this walking on eggshells.

    I've finally decided I'm done, but am worried about what a separation will do to my kids.  He's always rushing and snapping at them - when I'm really, really sick and can't get my parents to help with bedtime, it's awful.  He puts them to bed way too early, as quickly as he can and the crying is awful.  I'm worried about having to share custody in any way with him, both due to this and the alcohol problem.  He's fine to drop them off and pick them up from school (he does that now), take them to activities and maybe spend short amounts of time with them, but he can't handle anything that requires a sustained amount of time interacting with them.  And he's very against us separating - he's said it many times when I bring it up.  If I do go through with this, he is a game player, and he will try to make me pay.  I'm worried it will be by trying to get full custody of the kids by using the health problems I have had/still have.  

    I'm so torn - on one hand, I can't see myself living like this much longer, on the other hand, I am really scared at what a separation might do to my kids.  Any insight, similar experiences or advice would be greatly appreciated!

  • Doesn't honor promises! by: GotSoul 6 years 11 months ago

    My ADHD husband is constantly making promises and not keeping them. To him it's small stuff... a few minutes late, a few chores that don't get done  etc but after 10 years of let downs I feel like I can't rely on him and it's destroying out intimacy and trust. Any advice?

  • Ready to throw in the towel. . . by: Heart's Desire 6 years 12 months ago

    I feel like I'm at the end of my rope (again) with my adhd husband and marriage. He is in deep denial and won't treat his adhd, hasn't taken meds for 2.5 years and I can't be the 'parent' and request that he takes his meds, I get that. We've done six years of marriage counselling, to no avail, done Melissa's seminar in 2014, read the books (well, I have), done workbooks together and subscribe to the weekly marriage tips. I always had this hope that if we just tried better and learnt more about adhd and it's impact on us, we would be able to have a happy marriage. But, I can't remain hopeful anymore. I also can't make him see that it's his adhd. He feels just fine as he is. He won't acknowledge the parent-child dynamic we've spiralled into, and his typical behaviour is retreat, retreat, retreat. I'm just so. . .. . tired and exhausted. 

    We are generally good throughout the summer months when he isn't working (he's a teacher), but as soon as September hits and the stress of teaching, commuting and coaching are added to the mix, his symptoms become unmanageable. These include the anger and frustration, the procrastination and distraction around marking and report cards and planning, the lack of interest in me and the put-downs and belittling attitude towards me.  Also - any intimate advances on my part are generally shot down. I've been conditioned to now only expect sex when he wants it, not when I'd like to initiate it. I feel like I'm craving touch and connection with someone. . . anyone! 

    I've tried to stay 'lovingly detached', but I feel like now I'm just detached and barely love him anymore. Add two small kids, demanding jobs for both of us, and a house that's on the market but taking so long to sell and I'm breaking down. . . I'm also the one to keep the place clean for viewings, do the grocery shopping, cooking, pick up/drop off the kids at daycare, and keep our finances in order. He's too busy to do any of this. 

    I try to keep my chin up and just get through this understandably stressful time, but it's always stressful for us. It has been for over five years. 

    Without him taking any action on his adhd, are we doomed? I don't want to wake up in five years and be in the exact same place. I don't know how to get him to wake-up to this, without taking a trial separation. 

    (btw: I've done work on myself. Regular couselling sessions, self-care, accupuncture, having an independent life).

    (his denial stems in part from deep shame and a father who's undiagnosed and unmanaged adhd left him unable to hold a job, or leave the house, or care for his family in any way).  

  • why all the STORIES by: dvance 6 years 12 months ago

    My DH has done this our whole married life: whatever it is, he is the BEST, knows the MOST, is the MOST qualified, thank GOD he came along or else the company would be in shambles, blah blah blah.  Currently we are in a weird place--he has been in Houston since Sept 1, coming home only on weekends and sometimes not even then because his current company sent him there to deal with many flooded properties.  I'll be honest--I LOVE it.  I love not having to listen to the boasting, love not having to try to figure out which part of the convoluted stories are true, love the absence of conflict.  When he is home now I notice the nonsensical talk, the grandiosity even more.  He's been home since last night and here are some examples: there are TWO companies interested in him right now and BOTH are willing to pay BIG bucks to hire him BUT they both have to do some more thinking and planning before either of them makes an offer.  Seriously?  What is really going on is he is closing in on three years at his current company and the shine has worn off and he is bored.  While I have no way to confirm this, I would bet dollars to donuts that he met someone in each of these companies and they said something like WOW-I wish we had someone like you working for us.  This morning he tells me that he recommended his current contractor in Houston to another property manager that he knows and the contractor told him if they take the bid they will give him a 3% referral fee.  Of the $5 million dollar project.  Sure they will.  Why the need to make this stuff up?  None of it ever happens.  I don't even retain the information for more than a day any more.  I used to get all excited and plan what we might do with the extra money but I don't any more because it never happens.  

    So much of what we all post here is about how we have lost ourselves in trying to make an ADHD marriage work.  After 22 years of turning myself inside out to maintain this ridiculous relationship, like many others, I have decided that it is not possible to have a normal partnership with an ADHD person.  That is my experience and if you have managed to stay true to yourself AND stay married to an ADHD person then I applaud you.  I cannot.  With DH gone so much since September I can really see what a different person I am with him home vs him gone.  I like myself so much more without him.  We often don't even talk on the phone during the week and that is fine too.  I sleep better without him.  I eat better without him.  When he is home I am holding my breath waiting for him to go so I can clean up the clutter and exhale.  That said, we are moving in June and I don't think we can afford two places so I am going to have to figure out a way to be myself and be under the same roof as him.  Not looking forward to that I can tell you.

    Not sure what my point is today, just thoughts.  

  • Ostracized by: Hopeful Heart 6 years 12 months ago

    how many of you feel rejected and ostracized out of your own marriage by your ADHD spouse. “Ostracized” is always the word that has come to my mind when I think of my relationship with my husband. The pain and the damage is very real. This is an excerpt from the Ostracism Awareness website. It perfectly describes me and my reality.

    “Recovering from severe ostracism can be a challenge, because it affects a person on so many different levels. It impairs four basic human needs: belonging, control, self-esteem, and meaningful existence. It dramatically raises anxiety levels and causes depression and despondency. Physical pain often accompanies severe ostracism, since the part of the brain handling pain management is activated. When prolonged, ostracism causes many people to withdraw from social connection and activities that they previously enjoyed. Ostracized people feel isolated and lonely. They often become less active physically and emotionally. Meanwhile, the depth and the gravity of ostracism symptoms are usually not understood. There is a tendency to minimize and invalidate the pain of people experiencing ostracism. Occasionally, some ostracized people will act out in inappropriate ways to try to get those ostracizing them to notice them in any way they can, since even negative attention feels better than no attention. In the most extreme cases ostracism can lead to violence or suicide.“

  • I need some advice please. by: Lmgolebiewski 6 years 12 months ago

    . This is so hard to deal with. I'm getting to the point where I don't know what to do. I myself have anxiety and being quiet helps a lot. But when my husband is home he just talks nonstop. I've told him in a very clear conversation that his constant talking makes me very anxious. I deal with my anxiety for the most part. He tells me he will be quiet but that lasts 5 minutes. I can't even have a conversation with him he just talks jibberish. I feel my nerves unravelling when I'm around him. I don't want to leave him but if he won't listen to me I don't know what I can do. I ask him nicely the first 3 times to be quiet after the 3 Rd time it just escalates into an argument. I tell him I can't handle it and he should stay at his moms. I used to love when he came home from work so I could spend time with him. Now I'm afraid his talking  going to ruin our evening. I know it's not all his fault but I feel he should take some responsibility. Any advice would help. I don't know where to go from here. 

  • Chore problems, possible willingness to get evaluated. by: bowlofpetunias 6 years 12 months ago

    My wife and daughter are out of town.

    My son wanted to earn money toward a video game, so he raked leaves.  He told me he was done.  The leaves were in several piles--he did not bag them.  I had told him the bags were in the garage, but he did not remember that.  He then bagged a couple of the piles and said he was done.  I saw several more piles in the yard.  He bagged a couple more and said he was done.  I pointed out two remaining piles.  He bagged those.  I checked, and found that he had left the leaf chute that holds the paper leaf bags open in one of the bags.  He also overstuffed the bags.

    I decided to have a conversation about ADHD with him.  He denied that he has ADHD, but (somewhat surprisingly) said he was willing to get evaluated.  Hopefully he will not forget saying that.  (That's not ADHD.  That's just me being lazy.  That's just me forgetting things. Etc.)

    Later in the day, we had to clean up the basement from plumbing problems.  I told him to take the dirty water outside and dump it in the rain sewer so that it did not reinfect the sinks or tub I had just clean.  He said he had done so.  When I went back down to the basement after there had been enough time for the floor to dry, I saw the bucket full of dirty water.

  • Does my boyfriend have ADHD/ADD? by: DF1988 7 years 13 hours ago

    Hello,

    I have been with my fiancee for 2 years now and we have differences in our life styles. I come from a family where you keep striving to grow and get better, while my fiancee's family is very much laid back and dont have too many "success" stories (for whatever financially related). 

    All this time I thought that is the issue. He kept saying he wants more, and tries for more. But all I kept seeing, is that he "tries" when I bring it up, and then forgets or lets it "loose" (such as look for a new job, purchase a house, even fix things around the house). So when he is told, he will start a "project" but if its something that requires time, he will forget to follow up on it later. Another issue is that he does not think everything through - I might be picky on this, since I like to think about every scenario and everything possible but I feel like unless I tell him "you need to think it through..." - it doesn't happen. Of course he also doesn't come up with ideas, or suggestions on new things to do, only does the things I mention. I will say when he wants to do something, he can get it done perfectly. He is smart, and when he is committed to something, he gets it done well. He also speaks with people normally. 

    We always have arguments in this area. He mentioned he took Concerta when in college for a bit. But I honestly don't think he has an actual problem. He is definitely not hyper. He is currently studying for his master's and has no problem completing tasks or that's what it looks like (he is only part time since he also works). 
    I tend to think he is just more careless about things.  His job is with people and I am now understanding he is not successful there either (others get promoted but not him). So I don't know what to think.

    Does anyone think this is ADHD or ADD? Now that I am thinking about it, I am scared this can be transferred to our future kids.

     

    Thank you!

  • Alternative to drugs treatment for ADHD by: inthedark 7 years 2 days ago

    Does anyone know if there is an alternative treatment for ADHD.  My partner can't take most drugs due to a severe heart condition, which he is already on medication for.

  • reconnecting with adhd partner by: inthedark 7 years 2 days ago

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