My wife and I have been married for 2 years. Last year, I was diagnosed with ADHD and am now being treated with Adderall. At first I felt dramatically better, more focuses and able to do the things I needed to do. This new found ability to focus led me to do something I had wanted to do since I had graduated high school: Get a degree.
I am now a month into school, which I am doing online. I have to work full time and then I return home to go to school full time. I find myself so focused on completing all my work that I neglect my wife. This has led me to feel very guilty and angry with myself. My problem is, in order to provide for my wife and future family, I need the degree so I can't quit or cut down on school. But this anger and inpatients with myself has led to me throwing temper tantrums, and nit picking small things my wife does that frustrate me.
I am blessed with a very wonderful and patient wife, but my own guilt at not being able to give her the emotinal attention she deserves and my constantly raging anger have led me to think it is in her best interest if she were married to someone else. I know that the facts don't point that way, but I can't seem to find anything that will either rectify the situation (i.e. keeping myself calm) or to make me realize that my wife is willing to be patient while I get my degree so that we can live comfortably later.
If anyone has any advice or experience with similar situations I would be ever grateful.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- ADHD+School+Work+Marriage=Frustration by: rgsqdrn 16 years 8 months ago
- connecting over the hard stuff (only) by: rosalee 16 years 8 months ago My husband and I have been marred for almost two years. He once mentioned when we were dating that he thought he probably had ADHD, and from what I have read and experienced while we've been married, I can understand why he thinks this! There are lots of challenges we face in money management, frustration levels, household chores, but these all seem to be improving to "good enough" when we work through them. One area, though, is not improving. Almost immediately after we married, I began to feel lonely because he seemed so far away whenever we would talk or catch up on our day. It's much easier to ask him questions and listen to him than to try to get him to show real interest in me or my thoughts. Sometimes I wonder how many weeks we can go without him noticing that he knows nothing about me or my life! However, he is very sensitive, and if he notices that I am sad or blue, he immediately pays lots of attention to me. His ability to engage in a conversation where I'm sharing goes from nil to 110% -- better even than my female friends! I feel like I'm getting more high maintenance as the months pass because when I'm sad or seem perturbed, my husband is able to listen better and focus. If I'm just interested in carrying on a normal conversation -- he seems utterly bored and distracted. Please help me! I am a naturally sunny person and do not like to see the way I am changing. I also feel like I take advantage of my husband when I cultivate the negative in order to feel connected to him and important to him. P.S. -- when we've talked about this, we both see the same pattern, but don't know what to do. Trying harder doesn't seem to work . . .
- could this be the answer by: rondosarah 16 years 8 months ago
my marriage is on the verge of devorice. My huband has ADHD and is now taken medication for four days only. Its all I can figure. We are on totally different levels I don't understand how he thinks. He tells me he wants to grow up, and I swear he tries but he don't get verry far verry fast. and with our third kid on the way I need him to be more responcible. I need help. Not another kid. He acts like a teenager. Wants to be out with his friends all the time everyday. No harm done other then all the responcbility of raiseing kids goes on me the 8mo. preg. woman. I make all the bottles, change most all dipers, give both baths most every night, makes sure there in bed at that certin time, ext. ext. He does somewhat help with the house chores.Its just not fair to me I work to and this stuff is getting old I need a helper. A Nanny/Maid.
- Overfocused Children and Divorse by: jimmysdad 16 years 8 months ago Shouldn't we wait? I was working hard on what's in Delivered from Distraction and got hit with I want to be Delivered by Divorce from my wife. There are two small boys involved. The 5 year old is going to be tested for ADD this summer before kindergarten. The 9 year old has been formally diagnosed with ADD, and with over focused type. Jimmy, the oldest, is in the fourth grade. He has, like his father, some very real issues with over-focused type ADD. He is currently taking all the advanced courses they can throw at him, and reads on a high school level. He is brilliant but also super sensitive, and has a very, very fragile sense of self esteem. My wife requested judicial intervention in the proceedings and now a court appointed child's advocate is involved. His job involves interviewing the kids and responding to the judge. I heard the appointed gentlemen is a professional and is good at this job. I learned he is very fair and I am not really concerned with his speaking with either child. The kids have not yet been told that their parents are in divorce proceedings. It has all been happening very quickly. Here's what I am concerned about. Jimmy has two months left of the fourth grade. His over-focused ADD already has him latch on to issues and not be able to drop them. He has done great on just fish oil, but I do not have a Dr. lined up if he needs to move to medication. Of the three psychiatrists I have spoken with, none have any familiarity with over focused type. I take fish oil and adderall and although the difference for me has been profound, I have been reluctant to medicate Jimmy. He is right on the threshold with the fish oil and since it has been working, he wasn't told about ADD. I was about to when I got hit with "papers". We went to the Bronx Zoo this last weekend as a family and this marriage is worth saving. I am hopeful to that end, but I can only work on my 1/2 of the issues. I have to be primarily concerned with the welfare of the boys right now. My wife has had little or no real involvement with the kids and the ADD issue. I've been, and will be, pretty much on my own. Would this boys interest be best served if we waited for two months before dropping this bomb on him? I would then have the summer to help him with the issues, and to get things set up for medication if needed. I'm scheduling appointments as fast as I can but this stuff takes time and some real consideration. I just know (instinctively perhaps?) that with this news his school year just stops, and his experience in the fourth grade is done. He will not be able to do anything but spin on "what's wrong with my mom and dad" and make suppositions on how he can fix it. In a lot of ways he doesn't get to be a kid anymore and that's tragic. I read you had informed your own kids about divorce so I apologize if this is a hard issue. I would appreciate your opinion and any advise you can offer, on whether it would be best to wait until the school year is over. Thank you for this site. jimmysdad
- Diagnosis by: lily 16 years 8 months ago Good morning, I realize that this is the marriage forum, but maybe you can help or redirect me. I attended my sons’ parent teacher conferences last night and my meeting with my nine year old’s teacher has brought up (my) concerns about ADD. I am a 42 year old married (15yrs) mother of 2 sons. I’m certain that I have some of the symptoms of ADD but I think they are more or less under control. Some of my sypmptoms are lateness, disorganization, unfinished tasks and underachievement. I’ve found if I stick to a strict schedule I do pretty well. I have a very supportive husband and some good friends who focus on the positive. We’ve had concerns about my 9 year old son since kindergarten. His teacher noticed that he had trouble sitting still, fidgeting and vocalizing at inappropriate times. She basically told us that she thought that he may have an attention issue and wanted to give us a “heads up” if the issue came up later. He is a wonderful, sensitive, curious, bright and loving boy. He loves math, science and reading (and excels in these areas), but struggles with writing (organizing his thoughts and with penmanship…he receives OT). His teachers like him and his classmates like him also, but to a point. He is not hyperactive. Some of the characteristics which I think may be ADD: *Fidgets with things in his desk while teacher is talking. Hands want to be busy. *sometimes talks excessively and does not “get it” that others are disinterested or annoyed *does not finish work at school ( this term, he had an A in math, but that went down to a C because many assignments were never passed in). *His 3rd and 4th grade teachers have both commented that he “notices everything”. One said that he could imagine my son being a border control agent when he grows up because he never misses a thing…I think he notices everything, but has trouble focusing on the task at hand. I know that the first step to diagnosis would be through my son’s pediatrician, but I am hesitant to start this process. There are pamphlets and posters from Drug companies promoting certain ADHD medications and I’m concerned that medications would be pushed. At this point, I want to determine if ADD is an issue. I would like to learn about ADD and learn some parenting strategies and some strategies that could be used at school to help him focus and stay on task. If he is evaluated, I want someone who is an expert to evaluate him. I would appreciate any comments you may have. Thanks very much.
- Anger Management & ADHD? by: AshRae84 16 years 8 months ago Forgive me if this has already been covered, I have read through the site, and haven't found anything that matches it. I am engaged to a man who was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age. He was initially put on medication, but later taken off of it. (The reasons I've been told were that he didn't function like a normal child at all *more like a zombie*, and he gained a substantial amount of weight on the medication.) He is a great person, and I have no doubt that he has a beautiful soul, and wonderful heart. The problem is that at times when we fight, he basically "loses it." Last night, he attempted to choke me. So bad to the point that I tore skin off of his arm trying to get him off of me. This is the worst it has ever been. Most of the time he will start to grab me, or attempt to be physical, but then lets go, and backs off. This time, he didn't stop. Later, after the storm, I discussed it with him, and told him that he couldn't do that to me. It was not acceptable. His father abused his mother, and stepmother, and I asked him if he felt that he did these things because he had experienced them as a child, but he said that when he does it to me, it's almost like he blacks out. He reaches a point where he's so furious that he doesn't even know what he's doing until it's too late. He believes it is because of his ADHD that he does this. I don't want to leave him, and he doesn't want to lose me either. But I can't live my life being scared of my fiance (and eventually Husband). I told him I think he should speak to a professional and see what his options are, and possibly look into anger management. He doesn't want to resume medication, as he gained close to 100lbs last time, and doesn't want that to happen again. My question, I guess, is, Does ADHD cause such tremendous anger like this? And would an ADHD medication help, or what should we look into? I truly intend to stand by him, and he is willing to get help, I just don't know where to even begin... A.R.
- I NEED HELP! My non-ADD spouse wants a divorce and I don't. by: e-leo 16 years 8 months ago I am in deep trouble in my marriage. My wife told me 6 weeks ago that she wanted a divorce. She said that she was tired of supporting me and she no longer wants to be married. I was diagnosed about 1.5 years ago with ADD and placed on Adderal and Cymbalta for severe depression. I was also refered to a counselor for ADD and Depression. The counselor was not an expert in ADD and, unfortunately, she did not properly address the marriage issues properly. I asked my counselor if there was a book about ADD and the next week she recommended Driven to Distraction by Dr. Hallowell. Unfortunately she told me about the book after my wife told me about her filing for divorce. The counselor also confided in me that she had NOT read the book. In her defense I was in such a deep state of depression she thought that the depression should be addressed first. So, here I am. My wife says that she has had enough counseling because she does not see any results. After reading the book I have also purchased a few other books and have become quite informed on the subject of ADD. I realize that things would have been better if I knew a year ago what I know now, but, I can not change that at this point. Does anybody have any advice about how to convice a non-ADD spouse to agree to start over with counseling and restructuring our relationship? We are both in our 40's and have a 7 girl and 3 year old boy. She has stated that any attempt on my part to try to fix the relationship will be futile! She has said that her mind is made up and is not changing. I do not know what to do! HELP.
- Nintendo Wii Fit: A way to get me exercising? by: sparquay 16 years 8 months ago I've been diagnosed with ADD since I was in elementary school. I've taken Ritalin up until I was in 8th grade and the Doctor thought I had "grown out of it". Then things went downhill in High School, never really connected it with ADD, just laziness, lack of motivation and a loss of desire to aspire. This hit me pretty bad.. (why am I giving my whole history?)... Anyhow, my junior year of H.S. I went through counseling for my depression (because I pretty much slept through school, went home and slept at home, and didn't have a social life)... was given Welbutrin and I was encouraged to go biking (something I enjoyed doing in my early years of childhood as I would lose and find my way in the town as an adventure, that and I had wrecked a couple of cars making it a little costly for me to actually drive for my independence). So I made it a habit to go about 10 miles every couple of days... I really do believe the exercise had helped me. Since, H.S. I've not really done anything consistently as far as exercise though. I have a nice bike though, but I can never bring myself to ride it... not sure why. I worked out with a friend off and on for about 6 months (with a years subscription to the Gym... ouch for the wasted money) so I don't think a gym membership would be the answer, also considering it took about a total of three hours out of my days! I'm almost thirty, I'm not currently taking any prescribed medication... but beginning to think it might be a good idea... but I still enjoy video games occasionally (I try to limit my time on them)... so I have a Nintendo Wii, and I know the Wii Fit will be coming out this Summer. What it took me three paragraphs to actually say is... Does this thing look like a possible easy way to incorporate exercise into a short routine that can be done daily? Of'course, but I don't really trust myself to get it and then actually use it for as long as I need to use it (a lifetime). So what's an ADD guy to do? Anyhow, I've been reading Delivered from Distraction (about a chapter or so a day) and listening to Driven to Distraction... the experience has been eye opening, as I realize there's more effect of it on my adulthood than I realized before. Thankfully, I have a loving, patient and yet frustrated wife. I also have a job that is currently patient with me as well. But, with all things, I really need to improve on both of these fronts if I'm to really succeed at family life and work. What's more my lack of confidence plagues me in everything I do (or try to do)! Anyhow, I really should get back to work! Grrr... stupid distractions.
- I don't feel safe with my ADD husband by: Sueann 16 years 8 months ago My husband is 46 and we've only been married 3 years. He was diagnosed with ADD about a year and a half ago after losing 3 jobs in 6 months. Then he decided not to work for 6 months and we had to move because we couldn't afford our house without him working. In the process of moving, he let a bookcase fall on my foot and I'm still in major pain because of it (untreatable). He also somehow got a nail in the lunch he packed for me. Then yesterday, he had a car accident and God knows what that's going to do to our car insurance. And I love that car, which I paid for with student loans. The problem is, I can't understand how he doesn't care about the danger he puts me in. If he knows he had ADD, why can't he be more careful? Why can't he say, "Honey, I'm letting go of the bookcase, make sure it doesn't fall on you", or check the containers before he puts the food in them, or Mapquest his destination so he won't get lost and run into other cars? Am I asking too much? I'm about to leave him because I feel like he doesn't care about my safety. He won't work consistently, and my job doesn't provide insurance, and he usually doesn't have any either. I have life-threatening medical problems I can't get treatment for, and I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. The next time, will he cripple me, or will we end up homeless because he won't work, or will we be walking to work because he totalled the car? I know he loves me, but why can't he think about what's safe for me? How do others deal with this?
- I need help by: alwaysdistracted 16 years 9 months ago Forgive any mistakes as this is the first time I have done this. Funny though-in true ADD fashion, I have been browsing this website wanting to post everytime...but i never quite follow through. I have suspected I have ADD for my entire life. Unfortunately, any MD I mentioned it to shot me down and almost made me feel like a drug seeker. Embarrassing. Apparantly because I was an honor student and was able to work full time and obtain my masters degree-there's no way I could have ADD. No one knows how hard I really worked for all that. So the constant trips to therapists/psychiatrists/family MDs where I discuss the plethora of sounds that annoy me (typing, knuckle cracking, crunchy foods, chewing guy, squeaky shoes, high heels...) and the anxiety level they send me to. Also-the fact I loose track mid-sentence, because someone walked past with squeaky shoes or my inability to complete tasks on time. My house is a mess because I have so many ideas of cleaning the house, organizing the cabinet, organizing my closet, taking my daughter to the park, scrapbooking....but i never activate. It just doesn't happen-I can't get it together. I was convinced that I was a loser, a bad mom, horrible wife. I don't cook, don't clean, don't take my daughter fun places. It's an ugly cycle. After repeated depression, anxiety diagnoses and even a bipolar diagnosis, I was spent. I have tried every antidepressant, all made me sleepy, hallucinate. I even went on Lamictal for the bipolar. Although I lost some weight, my symptoms never improved. My family MD finally diagnosed me 6 months ago and sent me for neuropsych testing. My results still are not in. I have been on several different meds. I think I am expecting the miracle cure and that's not gonna happen. I am taking Vyvanse now and it seems to help. Adderall makes me really dark/depressed. It's probably time to go back on an antidepressant as well. I am reading Sari's book about women with ADD and I cry with every chapter...finally someone who gets me. I have found my diagnosis...now how to fix it. I can't seem to find a therapist near me who specializes in this. I want therapy. The problems are all out on the table and now I need help on how to fix them....before my marraige crumbles. My husband is tired of my volatile moods. I am angry at him for expecting me to do everything. Taking my daughter to and from school, working 10 hours a day, and keeping up bills is sending me over the edge. When he asked me to get granola bars the next time I'm at the store--I told him to go get them himself. WHy am I responsible for everything? Why do I feel guilty if I spend all Saturday on the couch and don't get anything done? How do I make him understand that I want to do so many things, but I just can't activate the process. And my job--that's another whole blog and another day. I just come home from work and don't care to talk to my husband. I have pent up resentment and I am tired. I just want to sit. So-my needs-a good therapist in Indiana. Otherwise I am truly considering driving to Michigan to see Sari Solden. How do I get my husband to understand? Are the books or movies? I am reflecting my emotional lability and lack of organization on my 4 year old daughter who acts just like me. She is dramatic, emotional, angry and her attention span is less than 30 seconds. Not Kidding. Is she too young to be tested? And is it my fault? How do I organize my brain when I talk to my doctor to truly explain how I feel? I get there and tend to go blank, or start on one topic and forget all the others? All the wonderful beautiful people on this page who speak so eloquently and most of all, who get this disease. Please help.