Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • How To Treat Spouse? by: arabianhorselover 6 years 8 months ago

    In just the last few days I have come to realize that my spouse suffers from ADHD.  Having been with him for a very long time, so many things make sense now.  This situation has caused so much trouble and anger on my part.  He is frustrated and doesn't understand me either.

    Mostly I just don't know how to treat him at this point.  He does not believe he has a problem, and I really can't imagine that he ever will.  I feel like being nice to him is rewarding him for treating me badly and not taking my concerns seriously.  However, all I want is to get along and be close.  And I think that if he is ever going to admit to anything it is more likely to happen if he feels loved by me.

    Opinions, please.  I am the one who always does the apologizing and agonizing over everything, and this situation is killing me.

     

     

  • Just starting out by: christinarn 6 years 8 months ago

    Hello,  My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for 14.  We have a 9 year old daughter.  He is undiagnosed ADHD and I am the non-ADHD partner.  We are currently enrolled in the self study seminar.  I just wanted to share our story and see if it sounds familiar to anyone.

    Basically, I no longer feel like I have a sense of self.  I am very lonely.  I have been on medication for anxiety and depression but neither seemed to help.  We try to exercise and eat right.  But I feel like the way we live our lives have caused a lot of chaos.

    When our daughter was born, everything got a lot worse.  We moved across the country when she was 9 months old to be closer to his mom so she could help us out.  Since then, my husband went from being a successful self employed IT guy to someone who lacks self drive and motivation.  I feel like I am always blamed for everything.  I have always worked full time in health care and provided the benefits.

    At one point when she was 4 we tried moving back to where we had originally lived, however our relationship got out of control and I was afraid to be around him.  I was also very depressed.  So we decided to move to an entirely different state which we tried for a year but it didn't work out so we ended up moving back to where his mom lives, which is where we are currently.  When we returned we ended up selling our house which we had been renting out and have now been living with his mom for 7 months.  He travels out of state for work so mainly I am living here with my daughter and his mom and step dad.  I don't really have any friends however I have continued to work full time and am trying to make the best of it.

    He said we are going to have to move again since he cant find work here, which leads me to have another round of anxiety.  However this time his mom said she would move with us.

    He has never been tested or treated for ADHD however everything described in the course seems to totally fit our relationship.  I guess I mainly want to feel not so alone and that's why I am reaching out to this community.  He has been actively listening to the courses and I feel like this might get us on the road to maybe leading a happy life again.

    Thanks for listening.

  • Just Realized Husband Has ADHD - After 26 Years Of Marriage by: arabianhorselover 6 years 9 months ago

    I'm kind of in shock right now.  Not sure what to think or do.  My husband and I have always loved each other very much.  That has never changed.  However, there have been problems.  Most of which I have received the blame for.  And I'm not here to say that nothing is my fault.  I came into this marriage with some issues from the past, but my husband has conveniently pointed to them in order to justify his own behavior.

    I knew had had issues; that everything could not be my fault despite his wanting to believe that.  I have been thinking he must be a hoarder - a behavior that has driven me crazy for many years.  He doesn't really fall into that, though, in some ways.  I think now that his keeping his things underfoot where he can see them and starting many projects and not finishing them, and some other things are the result of ADHD.  So many things make sense now.  I just never suspected that was the problem.  Not sure at the moment how I could have been so blind.  I have very poor self esteem, though, and he is an expert at deflecting blame off of himself.

    The worst part of this whole thing is that he is not willing or able to take a look at himself, or accept responsibility for the part he plays in all of this.  I have spent many years working on myself, and he is more than happy to let me do that.  I have done all the worrying about everything.  I have been lonely and hurt so much over the years.  And, yes, I am angry.

    Thank you for listening.

     

     

     

  • I'm desperate for help by: quesara1979 6 years 9 months ago

    Hello -

    I really need help in understanding how to resolve this ever-ending conflict with my husband - I feel that I have made every attempt to find peace and acceptance of the limitations of my marriage, but I just can't get my heart to fall in line.

    A little background: My husband and I have been married almost 6 years.  We married a little later in life and my husband became a step-dad to my daughter.  I saw odd signs in the beginning of our relationship from the start, but I honestly have had little experience in a romantic relationship that it was difficult for me to understand what was going on.  After, what seemed to be, a 3 month constant cycle of - I get fed up with being in our marriage alone and feeling like a slave - to my husband saying he'll try to do better or he'll do it to make me happy - to some semblance of going in the right direction - to slowing going back to where we started - and then I lose my mind again.  I feel like it's a constant ride on the crazy train and I really want to get off!

    After persistence on my part to get help, I was able to find a counselor to help me and I was able to bring him along a few times.  The counselor suspected he had untreated ADHD.  He got tested and it was confirmed. He started medications to help him - but it really only is effective for him while he's at work. Once he's done with work, he can't handle anything more.  He also has an autoimmune disorder that has caused him to sink deeper into unhealthiness and dealing with chronic fatigue syndrome.  The guy really has his cards stack against him and I know most of the time he feels completely lost in what to do.  In turn, I had thyroid cancer a few years ago and have ended up with my own immune issues - I've developed Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue myself.  It's everything I can do to just work to take care of myself and my daughter.  I've been working with my dr.s for a long time to find a good treatment program for me, so that I can start feeling like a functioning human being again.

    With all this junk that both he and I suffer - we are at an impasse.  We discussed the issues and he told me that he feels so guilty he can't do what he knows he needs to do.  He said just the thought of him putting dishes away causes him severe anxiety and exhaustion.  He shuts himself away in the office when he's home and it's a rarity that we do anything together.  He claims he wants to try all these things to help our relationship and each other - but he doesn't show up to it.  He wants me to help him in everything he does.  He told me last night that it's so much easier for him to get tasks done is when we are doing it together.  I totally get that - but the whole point is that I need his help because I'm overwhelmed.  He wants to do dishes every night together, but I have 12 credit hours of class I'm doing + full time work + taking care of my daughter.   I'm tapped out, I have my own stupid fatigue to deal with.  And because I am telling him I don't think that it will work well all the time - he says that I shut him down on everything that he wants to do.  He does his beautiful shift of focus to what it is I'm doing to make things worse for us.  I got so angry last night I stormed out of the house -feeling like my heart was going to explode.  I told him that it was very unfair to label me as he did when it just wasn't true.  

    What in the world do I do?  Where do I go from here?  How can I help him to understand that he is responsible for his body and health and he has to own himself.  He needs to find ways to resolve his issues and not ignore them as he has done all his life - because it is a severe impact to everyone else around him.  I really want him to understand that it's ok to have the issues he does, but don't shove it away or play the pity game - own that sh#t and do something about it.  I'm here for him as much as I can be - but I just can't do it anymore.

    Thanks for reading.  Anything ya got would be helpful at this point.

  • I created this mess. Now you clean it up. by: bowlofpetunias 6 years 9 months ago

    Our son, 15, can be quite difficult.  He wanted to go over a friend's house and play videogames after school today BUT he has not caught up on school work and cleaned his room.  He also stayed up late.  My wife got into an argument with him about it this morning.  (He claims he is going to support his friend's father, who will commit suicide if he does not go.)  At one point, my wife says he hurt her by grabbing her wrist.  I did not see what happened.

    My wife usually leaves first and then I take our son and our daughter (9) to school on my way to work.  Just as she was leaving, she says that she is going to call the police on our son because our son assaulted her.

    I tried to get the kids to get ready to leave.  Our son announced that he was not going to school because he did not want his mother to know where he would be.  I called her up and told her she should not drop a bomb like that right before she leaves and I need to get them to school.  If I left without him, I would not know where he went.  So I could not leave--even to take our 9-year-old to school!  After a long time of arguing with him on the phone, she finally decided she was too late for work and came back home.  I was then able to take our daughter to school.  She later called and said that she had gotten him to school.

    The positive part of this is that I did get her to clean up the mess she created and she acknowleged that she needs to think before she says things like this.  But it is still very, very frustrating.  There have been many times where she gets one of the kids extremely upset and then leaves me to get them school.  Yes, part of it is the kids' fault.  But as an adult, she has to think about the consequences of her words and actions, including how those consequences fall on other people (such as me.)

    I also pointed out that if you are going to call the police, it is probably not a good idea to announce it to the person you plan to call about. 

  • Attention willy nilly by: jennalemone 6 years 9 months ago

    What I just wrote to Ambre, has me pondering something that is bothering me.  While H does not seem to care about me or our marriage or the state of the family or responsibility or his own integrity, he has been very attentive to one of our granddaughters, Age 11.  She is quite beautiful and innocent.  H follows her around like a lovesick adolescent, with eyes sparkling and a big dreamy grin on his face.  He often puts his body in her close presence like he is "feeling her vibe", like he did when he and I were 15 years old and now I see how I was overtaken by his attentiveness and close encounters when I was an innocent girl myself.  Like he was emitting testosterone pheromones and turning me on.  I thought it was love and "chemistry".  I am concerned because my H does not act like head of household financially, grandfather to young grandchildren, responsible father to my sons, loving husband to me but rather like a boyfriend to the one granddaughter.  While our other, younger granddaughter, the sister, gets sarcasm and no attention from him.  

    Writing this is making it clearer to me.  Sometimes I think the problem is me in that I am too judgemental and I back off trying to be fair and not be critical or jealous.  I feel uneasy about letting them alone together.  Not that I think something sexual will happen but that ... it is wierd. Granddaughter is liking the attention, the secret jokes, the touching heads and laughing and that she is getting more attention than her sister. He is flirting with her and it feels very bad to me...and to our other granddaughter. It feels unhealthy to me and I can't exactly craft the words right to say. "You are not her boyfriend!" seems like a fight starter.  "Act like a mature grown up that we can admire instead of a clown." will fall on deaf ears. I try to put myself in his shoes and how I would want my spouse to talk to me if I was doing something inappropriate.  But I know that if someone were to tell me I was doing some of these things I would totally take it to heart and really change just by the mention of my inappropriate action.  H seems to have a "kill the messenger" response to anything I say and tells me I am crazy and wrong.

    What are the words I can say to H?  If you have ADD or ADHD, let me know what words could I say that would not cause a reaction of attack on me for bringing it up and insinuating something horrible?  I don't know if H is able to hear the words and understand that he is being inappropriate.  His family culture is touchy feely and often cross the lines of what is appropriate. How do I approach this?  Any of you spouses have a similar situation of being at once uneasy with the ADDer and also wondering about your own judgment? Anyone have to lay down some rules about acceptable behavior and what you will put up with and what is not acceptable to you?

  • Confused about happiness in relationship by: ambre 6 years 9 months ago

    I've been with my wife for almost ten years.  She was diagnosed with ADHD during the first few years of our relationship.  It's been difficult, but we both got counseling, education and she's done a lot to help herself, meds, reading, apps etc.

    Fast forward to today.  I love my wife, but am not sure that's enough.  I still feel at times unfulfilled.  She uses tools to remind herself to show affection, routines and lists to make sure she attends to responsibilities...

    We have fun, though sometimes intellectually I feel like I'm talking to a child.  Emotionally, I don't always feel understood by her, compared to some of my friends.  She's learned to be more giving and express support.   Yet... 

    I'm not quite sure what's amiss... leaving her doesn't feel quite right.  But there's something that needs improving... I need some feedback... prodding... questions?

     

     

     

  • Why It Seems like the ADHD Partner Can Get Away with Everything by: abbyrd 6 years 9 months ago

    My ADHD husband started seeing an ADHD coach.  I was soon invited to a session.  She holds us both accountable and is open to me emailing her my concerns in between sessions.  I am grateful for her because she is in our corner.  It is obvious.  However, the message that has been communicated to me has been "don't be that way".  "That way" being like "the sky is falling" way.  This diagnosis is new but the effects have darkened our marriage for nine years. It has affected us in the areas of finance, intimacy, family of origin, trust, instability, to name a few.  There are days when I do not think I can make the marriage last.  This same coach intimated that I do not give up on the marriage because I do not understand the way his brain works.  This advice feels like an excuse to me at this point.  It is going to take a while for my brain to wrap around the way his brain works or doesn't.  When the safety of our four young children is compromised, I am incapable of turning on the "he doesn't mean it" switch.  I am livid and terrified and wonder if I can even go to the grocery store with him in charge of our children.  I am reminded by his coach that he doesn't do anything with malice.  

    His ADHD coach is happy for my husband that he has a long commute to and from work so he can decompress.  This is his fifth job in eight years.  How great for him that he gets time to decompress.  When do I get my time?  His long commute means he is home later meaning I want to collapse when he enters the doorway.  Collapsing in exhaustion is not the same as decompressing.  Eventually the fatigue I have been experiencing caused enough concern to bring myself to the doctor.   After some blood work, it has been revealed that I have markers for an autoimmune disorder.  A disorder exacerbated by stress.  I have been breathing stress in and out since my marriage.  Understandably marriage IS stressful.  However, we've been living in chaos.  What would the ADHD coach say to that?  I cannot allow by body to attack itself because my husband has ADHD? 

     

  • Feeling hopeless and lost by: Moondust 6 years 9 months ago

    My husband has ADD, I do not.  With treatment and using reminders, the day-to-day has gotten significantly better. However, the long-term responsibilities are totally beyond him.  After doing the couple's seminar last year, I have made the conscious decision to take a step back and allow him to do what he says he is going to do.  This has mostly failed miserably and is making me feel completely helpless and hopeless. 

    The latest example is our car.  We bought a new car almost exactly a year ago.  He did not want to trade in the old car because he knew we could get more by selling it ourselves.  I said if we didn't trade it in, that meant he was 100% in charge of getting the car ready to sell and selling it.  He agreed and said he would clean it out and get it on the used car lot for private sales near his work.  Within weeks nothing happened, except the check engine light came on.  He brought it in and found out what was wrong.  He didn't want to pay the $200 in labor, so said he was going to see if his friend could help him fix it.  About 6 months later, he finally asked his friend and they fixed it one weekend.  He was so proud of himself for fixing it and saving the $200.  During this time we had to pay the registration, smog check, etc.  Could have avoided paying that if it wasn't our car.  The car sat again for a couple more months and the battery died. Then we got a recall notice.  Took him a couple months to call the dealership to get the recall scheduled.  He then paid $200 to get it detailed to sit on the used car lot.  While driving it there, check engine light came on.  This time it was the transmission that was shot and it is going to cost more than the car is worth.  So we have to total it.  If we would have traded it in a year ago, we would have gotten $2000 for it.  Instead he has wasted a couple thousand trying to fix it up, clean it, buy a new battery, etc, over the last year just to have it totaled. 

    I literally don't know what to do anymore.  He has wasted so much money on stupid things like this, finances are so tight to begin with.  If I step in, I'm the bitch.  If I let him do whatever, we go into debt.  I'm at such a loss.  

  • Desperately seeking better, before my life explodes. by: Lastchanceman 6 years 9 months ago

    I've allowed my marriage to get broken. My wife is so upset. Angry, disappointed, and sad. I'm disappointed and ashamed of myself. She feels I don't see her, don't value her, that she has no form or role in our life. I can see how she feels this way and when I tell her that I care and love her – which I desperately do – I know it sounds empty because my behaviors don't add up to my words. After 21 years we are potentially coming to an end which would probably crush me and be horrible for all of us, forever. I want better.!  She says "I don't understand how ADHD could make you forget me" and things like this; it tears me up, (sad and ashamed, not angrey with her; it's not on her) and my feelings are on such lockdown that my face betrays to emotion. So, she doesn't even get to see me being upset, which would be some solace, some display that there's fire there. I look cold. She's very organized and linear – doesn't really forget things, without having lists all over, and manages her own business, our children, and our household for the most part. I've got a business also, not doing well now but has been fairly stable, though it gets disproportionate airtime and support compared to hers. Despite her having told me these things and asking for my help and support and respect and attention, I have failed. Her uncle who also is ADHD, she mentions "doesn't forget about his wife" and sees my accomplishments as evidence that I have the ability to do big things, so failing my role as husband - which should be so easy and natural - must reflect a lack of interest or love and respect and caring. I don't even want to try to explain that it's my adhd brain; even though it's true, I think it would sound like I'm full of shit. That's my current perspective. So I'm charting a course to fix my own issues and desperately need to.

    I think I have only in the last few days come to the point where I've recognized that this is bigger than me and I cannot just effort my way through it. I know it is not "just ADHD", I'm sure I have habits and maybe even beliefs that need to be changed.

    I feel like someone in a movie going into an AA meeting for the first time and asking for help, feeling broken inside like I have just acknowledged I am not enough. I had a formal diagnosis years ago and briefly experimented with meds, but didn't experiment enough and didn't have any therapy or guidance or the rest of what I'm learning must be part of the mix for success. 

    I'm so tired of hearing myself say, "don't give up on me, I'm trying..." When I know it sounds like BS without the actions. I have an appointment with a therapist next week and I think I should set an appointment with a psychologist also (because isn't this required if I need meds? how would I know if I really need meds or not?)

    I'm still reading the ADHD & marriage book, but I get that there are three pieces – treatment, therapy, and interacting differently. I really feel I need to take care of "my part" before asking my wife to do anything. honestly, it feels like it's all 'my part.' With or without ADHD, I am an adult and need to be responsible for myself before even considering asking her to interact differently with me because of my ADHD.

    I guess I'm asking for tips on navigating the beginning of this process. I don't want to dump all this on my wife, I think it would add insult to injury at this point. Thanks for listening.

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