This might get long so I apologize. Trying to keep it short and give the facts but there's tons. 

My DH and I have been married just over 4 years, together for almost 6 with a little break before marriage. Everything seemed great at first when we dated, he was so intensely passionate and loving. Very attentive and caring.... till a year and a half in, after never having a single fight he cheated on me and left me high and dry. 2 months later he said he realized it was a mistake and came back and we got married 5 months later. We each have children from our prior marriages and now have a 3 year old together. When our son was 5 months old he began the emotional affair again with the same woman he had cheated on me with before and continued it for almost 2 years with me knowing the whole time, only this time he didn't leave but he kept blaming it on little things that I did that bothered him horribly. I put a lot of effort into not doing those things anymore and now every issue he has ever brought up to me (always after a cheating episode) I have resolved. 

I have also had issues with him going on Craigslist and emailing with people about disgusting sex acts, often men, but as far as I know he doesn't act on them (except once that I know of before we were married). I have found evidence of this all through his first marriage and apparently even within the first 2 months of us dating. It's extremely hurtful and he knows it is but he still does it. Any time I go out of town for business or family (things are great beforehand) or we get into a fight and he decides to go stay in a motel this is what he does. Sometimes he does it sitting right on the couch with me when absolutely nothing is going on. We have sex regularly so I know it's not a lack of attention there. And every time he comes back swearing he does it because he's so unhappy with me, he doesn't care about me or how I feel, and that he feels I force him to stay. Then when things calm down we have fun and times are good and then he does it again with seemingly no trigger. It's happened at least 40-50 times now where he has these episodes. 

When things are good, they are good. And sometimes we can go a month or 2 without these issues. But they always happen again. I know he was diagnosed at 14 with ADD. I am loyal, honest, caring, ambitious, faithful, I don't do drugs, I try to communicate which is always met with anger. I work hard to meet his needs that he says he has but he says I'm needy in wanting him to just text me during the day to say hi which takes 30 seconds, yet he could spend hours chatting with someone else.  He seems very lax in responsibility with his 2 teenage daughters, never enforcing rules or consequences, yet somehow I'm a bad parent and always have something against them when I try to teach them something. But apparently everything I do with my own daughter is wrong. Everything is a double standard. 

He runs and plays the victim about how hard his life is every time he does this too. But I honestly believe what's really going on is that he is having impulses that he doesn't know how to control and he's trying to justify them by convincing himself and anyone who will listen that he's got it so hard. I have asked him why he cheats and he will say he doesn't know why once things are more calmed down but in the moment he's always blaming me saying it's because I get frustrated too easily when I lose something for example. He can't see the fact that he's been cheating long before we ever got together and also long before he ever even had a chance to see these "flaws" in me. It started even with us back when things were still new. I think he has low self esteem and is trying to get validation and then to save himself the shame, he's coming up with reasons why he has to leave me. 

If he wants to go do something, I don't complain anymore. If he says he will be back in an hour and comes back 5 hours later I don't complain at all. He usually doesn't get home until after an hour from when he gets off work, I don't call and ask where he is. I ask very little of him, but really miss the times when I actually felt secure, loved and appreciated. He says I am needy for needing those things. 

Needless to say it's all very hurtful and I don't know what else to do. He has never really taken full responsibility he always claims it's something I did to drive him to do it like the frustration I sometimes experience, never big things like sex, trust, or big marital responsibilities, I want to keep my family together, but he's so convinced that I'm his problem, he doesn't even see his actions for what they really are. He's finally said he's getting counseling but of course doesn't want to even be with me when he does it. Says he mostly needs therapy from dealing with me yet once again his biggest complaints are about how I get frustrated, and how I have tried to instill boundaries for his kids to help them (which I have detached from that 6 months ago). 

I should add he's also very financially irresponsible, has extreme communication issues (even his mother says that), is very forgetful, procrastinates, and has a history of job hopping. 

Does it sound like ADD or ADHD could be the root problem? If so, how do I get him to realize it or even look into it with counseling? How do I get him to make sure that he's focusing on the right things in counseling (himself and his habits, figuring out why, making sure he gives the full story). How do I get him to realize that will be a lot more helpful than trying to spend his time focusing on supposedly how to deal with his wife? I would like to explore marriage counseling after a few months of his own therapy, and I realize I can't control him. But there's more than just him and I at stake here and I think things could be good if he could learn about the issues within himself that cause him to feel the need to cheat, and how to control those impulses or redirect them. I'm searching for answers in the hopes maybe he will be more willing to explore them if he has direction. How can I encourage him to make sure he really digs deep into himself and accepts responsibility for his own actions? Will a therapist be able to see through it? It's so confusing when he goes from loving to hating me in a matter of minutes each time he gets caught. And the worse his transgressions the meaner he gets. 

Any ideas and insights are welcome. I want my family as well as we can be. I'm trying to stand by my husband but it's hard when he's trying so hard to blame me for his issues that existed long before me. If you made it here, thanks for reading and please offer any suggestions or advice. 

I've recently started to look beyond these repetitive situations that keep reappearing and looking for the patterns in them.  The conversations that come from them are fairly worthless in that my wife (suspected of having ADHD) appears to have no perspective and no memory of the last time she reacts (the same each time) to the same thing.  As if it had never happened before. (repeatedly)

What she says each time may vary slightly....but the meta conversation that appeared not to be taking place...... is not that it hasn't been said or established at some time in the past.  Something was not getting through, even with the acknowledgments and seeming....resolution....each time we moved past these situations each time?

Coming back to revisit this again.....this pattern was pointing to something????  But what was this behavior? It  seemed to be a combination of things:

-Initial over reaction to an event (could be extremely minor and had nothing to do with me or precipitated by me actually .....or..... it could be something even bigger or had some legitimate merit on her behalf where...... "I failed to do something"..... on my part....... and/or  "I was either to blame/partly to blame" but keeping in mind.  As an adult and living in a world knowing.....that "shit happens" all the time and things don't always go the way we like them to go. 

Any one of these "things" ..."even if"...... chronically annoying to my wife...."should be" able to be put into their proper context and perspective and talked about even if you are becoming upset or it's frustrating to you directly,  in connection to the original event that triggered her over reaction.  Saying.  These isolated events...."even if" they add up and her becoming angry or upset over them...."should still" get the same response to the same thing happening with the same connection to the problem and why she is so upset each time they happen.  She "could" say....."I'm getting really fed up with you doing this "thing" each time and I am losing my patience."  but also identifying this "thing" each time directly connected to her anger and why she is so upset.

  This "should be" the pattern (a normal pattern for a secure person)  if something else isn't coming into play here?  These are just "things" that happen.  What's the big deal? (for now assuming...these are not things that are causing any direct catastrophe or problem like getting hit with large money penalties or causing you to lose your house and home type stuff.  This is the little stuff that adds up...and that can lead to a bigger overall disharmony for sure.....but for now....I have to look past that because that is not what I am seeing where this problem we are running into is coming from)

The consistent here is involving "disappointment"....and a seeming, inability to process that emotion?

Which then follows with "disapproval overtly" said in many ways (either very hurtful and punishing..or...with silent indifference and pouting/punishment)

This clearly appears to me as the dismissive pattern of attachment in terms of  attachment theory ie:  "the infant not getting consistent nurturing from mother.  Mother leaves the infant....the infant becomes upset.  Mother returns from leave of absence....the infant remains upset and angry at mothers absence and does not get over the abandonment it felt while she was away.  Instead of getting over this perceived abandonment and moving on....the infant remains angry even when the mother returns and acts out against the mother in a form of punishment or retaliation for this perceived threat or fear of being abandoned and the fear and pain the infant feels each time the mother leaves."

As "if".....she is "always gone", "always leaves"...."and never really ever returned in the first place each time."  It's an "all" or "nothing" kind of experience this establishes so the infant....."always" feels left and abandoned. "always" feels "disappointed"  and "always" acts as if the mother is leaving the infant and feels this chronic feeling like the mother is "never" going to return even when the mother is there and returns each time.

"Disappointment" is an emotion that my wife seemingly,  has no ability to control or keep in it's proper perspective.  This is the Meta-Issue here in terms of the pattern I find ourselves in and the one that have had to gain my own perspective on since, within this pattern....I am not going to get anywhere very fast.  If I am fighting against something....this is what I have been fighting against which is a waste of time and energy but more importantly....disrupting both our abilities maintain calm and happiness together.  Knowing this part at least...is really helpful to see this as it is and work directly to the source of what my wife's emotions are and knowing why she is feeling them.  It is an irrational response no doubt.  No need to dwell there anymore.  Getting to her "heart" and finding a way to soothe her fears is what is really the source of my own anxiety and frustration and or course....being able to look past some of the things she says which are usually directed at me no matter how insignificant or even indirectly related to anything I did on my end.  What I did is not so much the issue we have in relationship to this pattern

As it appears..........

-she's not really listening or not really hearing me

-locked in stubbornly with one idea or concept and blocking everything else out

-actually thinking one thing....but saying another: saying anything to stop the conversation, capitulate, withdraw, agree, disagree, etc.  Just to stop the conversation from going any further

-strange or even bizarre out of context accusations that weren't happening ie: defense mechanisms coming into play back to the pattern

and finally

-insecure pattern activation ie: dissmissive/fearful avoidant pattern of statements emerging which are really the most hurtful and unproductive of all aimed as punishment or retaliation against me specifically

Okay then.  What is the meta conversation?  Can't really have this one with any good results but I have tried to bring this up since this is exactly what our therapist told us both but with limited success.

And of course....yesterday it happened again.  This is no surprise or shock to me so nothing new....moving on forward. Stating the meta issue first.

I told my wife..."look, this is your pattern. (point blank)  I have mine and I'm not going to start in with mine and join you"  (stop)

I said (in context you will understand) "I'm not sticking a dagger in your heart when I make a mistake.  These are "just mistake" on my part...that's all they are.  Every time I make an "error"..."mistake"...or forget something that you want...you over react with this same pattern and you know why I do.  There is no elephant in the room here.....You know I have ADHD.....You know why I do these things sometimes.....You know they are going to happen again even if I'm trying and working hard at improving and  I can't be "perfect"....as in......"never" going to "disappoint you" in some way "ever."  These little mistakes or errors are all they are.  They mean nothing in the big scheme of things and they prove nothing in terms of why you get upset with me."

Moving on to the next part, I said " What you want from me....I can't give you right NOW.  Don't you understand that?" 

"You just can't wait.......as it appears for me, for me to improve and get to doing these things in a more consistent way.  All it seems you can see is how upset and disappointed you are and cannot see the problem for what it is.  And this need to punish me for making a simple mistake is getting out of hand and is just plain rediculous."

So I went back (again for the umpteenth time) to restate what I was seeing as the problem for me on my end and what it appears to be a problem on my wife's end in not understanding or getting through in her head.

Restating the (apparent) meta conversation again (now in context)

"I did not grow up in the same household situation you did.  Our house "rules" I'm sure were different than the ones you knew as a kid"

This registered.

We ended up having a meaningful conversation about the differences in our child hood experiences and I (again...repeated the same things) I've said before but the conversation now continued (past any point) it had been before and she was listening and responding without conflict on either one or our parts.

Without going into all the boring details of the conversation....I established "ONE" fact with my wife even though I had tried many times before to do this.

The "fact".....I have never had to (not once in my entire lifetime ) had to "maintain a standard of living" as far as the environment I lived in ( I repeat...MAINTAIN)....to the point of "constant hyper vigilance" and doing this in a continuous on going basis like my wife does.  What I mean as a "constant" here....is a "maintenance level" that exceeds any experience I've had (even in my own home but that would get into the details which we talked successfully over)  or skill in trying to maintain this standard to a degree that it is causing a disruption in my life.  So much...that the anxiety and failure rate over just attempting to do it with this same "over reactive"...... "disappointment/punishment" response from her was putting me six feet under and no air to breathe. 

Even knowing this....the things that emerged only recently were "contempt and hatred" directed at me for any perceived failure in terms of "errors" and "mistakes".   And I told her this straight up as part of our conversation.  I told her again...if this is so horrible to life with and I am really that bad as you say.....then why are you here with me and why are you punishing me and yourself over these "things" that I cannot control or would even want to try?

"I don't have a dagger in my hand....and I'm not stabbing you in the heart!!!"

If you go back and plug that right back into the pattern....this all makes perfect sense.

What I'm now really wondering in terms of myself and my wife now in the ADHD context has to do with emotional lability and going all the way back to the beginning.  All the way back to the infant child mother relationship that caused this pattern and why it exists?

I have not read word one on this at all or heard this said directly in relationship to any discussions about ADHD and the higher percentage of people with ADHD who experience problems associated with "insecure attachment" and the theory itself ......but I have my own theory on this even though I can't prove it...but I going with my feeling again because I feel that I am right and I would lay money on it just from my own personal feelings about this.

If you can't remember the experiences that caused this pattern of insecure attachment that you experienced as an infant...and you born with ADHD and have emotional processing limitations right from the get go....normally perceived...normally incurred variation in nurturing and mothering are going to be established or perceived as "not normal to you" or "out or scale."  These over emotional reactions as the infant...are going to be perceived the same way....as "always"...."nothing"....."never"....and "disappointment" will be perceived in terms of "absolutes."

Absolute thinking could also be termed as being stubborn.  Putting in bluntly.  As my T pointed out to me recently..."persistence gone bad."

As I stop and consider all of this...and reflect on myself...I have no problem saying that my own "persistence gone bad" is a problem for me if I don't pay attention to it when I doing my everyday duties in life....but in terms of someone in denial of having ADHD...I'm now wondering if this isn't exactly what I'm seeing with my wife as well?

  It does seem to make sense and the pieces of this puzzle seem to fit together nicely?  Again....I'm no trained physiologist or expert...but I do have one who gave me the pieces and some of them in direct relationship to my wife but without saying so directly to me?

Does this sound familiar to anyone if you stand back and look at this puzzle in it's entirety and apply it to what you are seeing with your ADHD spouse?

The part on my own about the emotional infant processing ability applied here was just thrown in there because I personally think it may be true.... but I can't hold that into this as meaning anything more than just an "exacerbating component" not the cause.....but none the less....I think it's there and possibly a real reason for why this happens more often for people with ADHD without any proof to say otherwise?  Just a thought?

J

I dont know whats happened lately - but my husband, who for 7 years has failed to follow through with SO MANY THINGS... and who has rarely pulled 'his weight' in the houshold - has been pulling off some seriously big time stuff recently. Out of the blue, about two weeks ago he just started... DOING things. Cleaning things. ????!!!!!?????  I wish I knew what changed!!!!!!  Its like a light went off in his head maybe?  I dont know!! Have any of you been through this with your spouse?

He came to me and asked me to give him projects. I did - and didnt expect him to finish the ONE I gave him, but... he did! And he like REALLY did it - not half assed, not to the minimum quality possible - he did it - fully and did it well! And every day - save for a couple of days when family was in town, and one day he wasnt feeling great - he has stuck to it, so I have given him more projects, more things I feel confident he can do. Yesterday, I just wrote things on a list - he has self motivated. Maybe he felt so good when he did the original work he wanted to continue? I dont know? I mean - I hope so? I know I posted about this a few times - but I wanted to do a fully positive, proud of him post here.

I truly hope that he feels good and proud of what he has done. He stepped up to the plate and batted a home run. And to top that off - one of the things that really seemed to ground him and seemed to help him through so much was working out and eating well. He never was able to manage symptoms so well, and never seemed to be happier than when he was going to cross fit, paying attention to what he was eating and actually pulling his own weight. He was happy - I was happy - WE were happy! I felt like a queen. He was confident, strong, a rocket about to take off! Well - he crashed when some horrible memories came to the surface and for the past 2 years has been in a hole from it. Well - that man, who had been spending his days chain smoking and on FB sitting on the deck that was trashed - he stepped up on our elliptical 2 days ago and did a HARD workout. I mean - he powered through the pain, he sweated, and he finished a hard program. He didnt step off or give up a single minute. He had to slow down and take a breath or two - but he didnt step off the machine. THEN!!!! He did it AGAIN yesterday - against all odds!

I REALLY hope this helps him. I hope it reminds him that HE CAN DO ANYTHING he wants. Something he so desperately needs. I also know this changes nothing for "us" (as much as I wish it did mean something for "us") - but I love him and want him to become the man he says he wants to be regardless of his feelings about me. I just hope this is him starting to see that he IS capable.

Today - he cleaned up and organized the utility room. It was on the list of projects I gave to him yesterday. I thought I would have to ask him to do something today. I really thought that since I wrote it down - that would have triggered something and he would get annoyed and give up. But... thats not what happened! Before he has done anything else today - he did the chores, took care of the dogs (he loves them so much) took one to the vet to get his nails done, came back and instead of taking long breaks - HE GOT UP AND DID A PROJECT!!!! Not only that - but holy crap - he did an amazing job. I know I probably looked like a goon when I walked in and saw it - but honestly I was amazed! He did SUCH a good job! There were no corners cut, there was no "moving piles of junk to other piles of junk". He actually honest to good ness organized and cleaned that room like a dammed pro!

Seriously- this is a big deal. This is amazing. I hope he feels VERY proud of this.

I wish I could say it to him. But I cant. So - I am telling you - my friends here who understand WHY this is so big. I did tell him thank you and that he did a really amazing job. :-)

TO HELL with those monsters in his head that tell him he is LESS. TODAY HE DEFIED YOU! (have more choice words but trying to not be too offensive in here LOL).

I'm the spouse without ADHD and my husband does have ADHD. Our second child is now 6 months old and I am struggling with and engaged in therapy for postpartum anxiety and depression, but don't feel as though I have an outlet to speak to my husband about it. For example, I can be in a clearly non-functional state, curled up on the floor bawling, and my husband will try to comfort me, but get frustrated and leave because I am "ignoring him" or not responding in a manner he thinks I should. Or if I need to vent/talk through how incredibly overwhelmed I feel, I don't get any answer, comfort, or support. Instead I usually end up being the one apologizing in an attempt to re-open the lines of communication because his response is to be defensive or stonewall.  

So I guess my question is how do you deal with an ADHD partner when you yourself are in crisis?