Traveling with ADHD people who also have other mental health issues is just not worth it.

We've taken two short beach trips this month (3-4 days each), and while the actual hotel days themselves were ok, the before and after have been awful.

Before both trips, H picked fights and almost didn't go to either trip.  But, we were traveling with adult kids, so H didn't want to "look bad" and not go, so he promised our kids that he would go (and behave), and he did.    But, the night we got home from the first trip, he blew up, said that I didn't listen to him while on the trip and made him go/do things that he didn't want to do.  I asked him to provide examples and he said he'd make a list, which he never did because there wasn't anything that I made him do.  His anger lasted a couple of days.

Yesterday, while coming home from the second trip, I asked if we could stop and pick up some cold drinks for the drive home.  H was fine with that because he also likes having a cold drink, particularly from this one fast food chain (Sonic).  I told H where to get off the interstate and he said that there was another way.  I should have just let him go the wrong way, but instead I told him that Market St was the correct exit and he took that.  We got to Sonic and then H said something about how to get back on the interstate to get home.  I told him that we just need to go back to where we got off and the entrance is at that same intersection.  H countered with something about needing to get on I-10.  I said, no, we've already passed I-10...which was true.  H became confused (and I think the meds he takes adds to this), and he kept saying that we needed to get onto I-10.  I kept saying that we're already north of I-10 and that we needed to get back on the northbound interstate that we had gotten off of.  After going back and forth (and showing him on my iPad), he then tried to blame me for the whole mix-up because it was my fault for wanting to stop and get drinks, AND that it was my fault for not listening to him. Believe me, I was listening.  But, now he's focused on his belief that the whole thing was caused by me not listening to him.  Oh, and he's also insisting that he still could have gotten to Sonic by some other off-ramp (well, if he could, it would have been a much longer way.  The off-ramp I told him directly took us to Sonic.)  He hates being wrong, so he "has" to make such a crazy claim.  Again, I should have just let him go his wrong route and learned from himself.

I told him that I won't be traveling with him again.  Our kids want to go back next month and I'll go alone with him.  I'm planning a trip to Europe and believe me, I will not let him come, too. He would ruin the trip and blame me.  It doesn't matter how perfect or near-perfect I am, he will get upset and then say that I did something to cause it.

He can't see that no one else on these trips has any issues.  

I understand that his anxiety is the underlying issue (not really the ADHD), along with OCD, confusion from meds, and a personality disorder. 

I'm getting sick and tired of him causing fights and then he says that it's because I'm not listening to him or because I interrupt him.  Yes, I do interrupt him.  I HAVE TO.  When H starts saying something and he's obviously wrong, I'm not going to sit and listen to 10 more minutes of words (because of his OCD). For example....If the plan is to leave on the trip at 10am, and he starts saying something like, "after my afternoon nap, I'll go to the gym and then I'll go get gas, blah blah blah,"  then I'm not going to just sit there and listen to a bunch of "wrong stuff".   No.  As soon as he says, "after my afternoon nap...." I'm going to interrupt and say, "we need to be on the road by 10am to get to the hotel before dinner time."  (Which H knows we have to do because we bring a pet that needs to eat and take certain medications after the pet eats....AND, H hates arriving at a hotel late anyway.).  

Anyway, when I interrupt to correct his train of thought, he gets mad and says, "just let me finish".   What?   Does he really think that I should have to listen to a bunch of wrong things first?  I realize with the OCD, he feels that he "needs" to say what he wants to say regardless if it's all wrong.  But, I don't have time for this all day long.  No one does.  

After another heated discussion from lack of communication, now I;m out. Over 1 month. My step sons Dad committed suicide and he needs me to be there. I'm so confused as to whey she would do this. Everything is disrupted and spiraling out of control. My wife stopped working "to be with her son" which I agree, that means her mom is supporting her. My mother in law is awesome but they are all in shock from the suicide. Last week, she finally answered my text and said to call her and speak to my step son and tell him that I love him and miss him, he said, Doug, "where are you'??? Then she asked me to stay at the house while she, her son and mom took a few days away. I thought from the conversation that I was home and we would work on it. Well, an hour before she came home she texted me and said she didnt want me there, just like that, that she would call me later, she never did. I left, grabbed a hotel room. While I was there I did my normal thing, I mowed and did the landscape, I washed both cars. She is out of money and told me the cable was out and needed to be paid. I gave her money for the trip. I bought her flowers, delivered today. So, she called me about an hour ago and was so upset, accused me of leaving things around the house so my step son could see it. She was angry. I think she is stressing ig time over the suicide and is attacking me because she can. She is all over the place. The void is, his father is gone so I know my step son is confused, he is never going to call again, never going to be there. Its the same thing you always hear, he was a jerk, a bully, he had an affair and just had a baby with their former pediatrician. I know she has been talking to my wife and my wife does'nt like her from all thr mean things she use to say to her, all control. Well thats all over. I'm so confused, I have no idea what she is doing. Any words of wisdom will be appreciated. Doug

I know I am asking alot of questions, I guess doing a post mortem on my own life and relationship has led me to wonder what others have gone through, and how they managed and dealt with things. 

I asked previously to folks who had left their relationship  - what would have made them reconsider and stay in the relationship.  And I got a REALLY good answer to that, which lined up alot with my own feelings.  It was so helpful.  So I wanted to ask another question of the folks here, not only to help me - but maybe help anyone else in the same boat, or maybe even an ADHD partner trying to make changes.

What was your breaking point?  What was that proverbial "Straw that broke the camel's back" that made you realize that the situation was hopeless?  Was it an "ah-ha" moment - or just a slow collapse of everything you worked towards?

For me - that answer is when, for the 2nd time this year, literally only a couple of months after my mother's death, he told me he wasn't in love with me and wasn't sure he could be married.  The first time he said it  - with in weeks of my mother's death, I didn't believe him because this happens every year this time (when his sister passed) and he always comes back with "I was wrong, my life is with you - I just get upset over the past and think I am broken".  The second time was only 2 months after that, and this was after a relatively nice couple of months, we were getting along, smiling and laughing together. (even after me catching him in yet another lie, and telling him he didn't HAVE to lie, but that I understood why he did it - because of previous trauma from childhood).  And then while we were talking (calmly and not in a position of anger) I asked him why, just a few days prior, he was happy and content, and actually quite loving towards me, and made me feel like we were building up better methods of working with each other.  But - from his perspective - nothing changed.  So when he said to me - "I am not in love with you, I dont know if I want to be married anymore, and I was only wanting to be married last week because i was in a good mood" (that is a summary, but basically what he said) - something inside me snapped like a twig.  I realized that even though I had done the work, read the books, accepted the realities and dealt with my OWN anger and issues (always an ongoing thing) he still wasn't going to do it.  Because it wasn't easy, convenient or immediate....  I realized that it didn't matter what I did.  He didn't want me.  And for the first time, I was OK with it and decided from that point on not to waste another precious moment on it. 

I had been providing for him  - he doesn't work.  The vision of what our lives would be from *my* perspective would be he would not work, but would take care of the house a few hours a day, would spend time at the MMA gym, fighting practice and on his athletic goals (he does medieval fighting) and that i would support him in his goals - giving him what he needed to make it to the TOP of that sport.   My role would be loving wife, admirer, and support system - which I was happily prepared to play.   He basically gets anything he wants and doesnt have to hold down a 9-5 to get it.  He had all the opportunity in the world to become his dream, but he squandered it.   

So my vision had to change.  My new vision doesn't include him, and that hurts, but I will get over it.  I am strong, smart, and I KNOW MY WORTH.  That last bit is key - it helped that trigger moment, when I realized he didnt value me, didnt see my worth and probably never will, that realization hit me hard, and from that moment on, my vision started to change.  It motivated me to take charge of myself, and make my life a good one regardless of his decisions.  I know I cannot change him, and I never wanted to be in a place where I felt I had to be parent.  I want a partner, he doesn't.  So be it. 

What was YOUR "ah-ha" moment that made you realize things had to change, be it your relationship dynamics or YOU?

*EDIT*// - I want to start off here and state that I KNOW that there are successful marriages with ADHD partners, I know that they are happy and fullfilled because they have done the work, and DO the work.  We just dont see them there, so I wanted to make it clear that I DO - I absolutely DO believe that it is possible.  But only if both partners do the work (you know, like "normal" people have to do anyway!) //*Edit*

I read so many of our posts, and they could almost all be the same story... There are times when I read something and feel like I could have written the very same words, over and over and over again. For those of you who have left your spouse, jumped of this insane roller coaster, is there something that your spouse could have done to make you stay? Like, if they had done A, B and C - would you have tried to work with them?

I wrote this in response to a post back in 2014 when I filed for divorce (the first time I actually paid a lawyer and filled out paperwork - but ended up not going through). The original post was an AHDH husband asking for help on how he could make things right and do better with his wife and save his marriage. There were lots of really solid replies - and almost every single one said the same thing in different words.

"My suggestion to you is to keep working at it - and make sure she can SEE it. You can think all day long, but that's invisible - that is something my husband would say all the time - he was working on things by thinking. You must SHOW her what you are working on. Make sure she can tell this is important. Talk about it. Ask every day what you can do to make an improvement. Keep this on the for-front of your lives and keep attacking it. Had my husband showed even the smallest of efforts I would be in heaven. I applaud your efforts, and know that they are hard. I wish you well and success on your journey and hope that one day you can fully control your ADHD and be happy."

While I am in a situation now where I am back to square one, my H has essentially back slid to almost all the old problems, I wonder how long it would actually take of his ACTIVE work to convince me? It made me wonder what you guys would have done if your spouse started putting in the work, and really being open and obvious (this is key) that they were actively trying to manage their issues. My H has more than just ADHD going on, but he doesn't do anything to help himself there either. In fact, its become his go to excuse for his bad behavior. I doubt he sees it this way, because he is pretty blind to anything outside of his own perspective. And that makes it very very hard, with his oppositional defiance issues, his disassociation where he doesn't even realize or understand what he is doing, and his absolutely rediculous belief that *HE* is the one with the answers, that he cannot be helped by anyone else.  What he has said to me after me begging to tell me whats going on in the past few years is how he is "thinking" about things... and of course that gets us no where.

Few weeks ago I had to explain to him that when he shuts me out, its like living with a stranger. And I think thats when it really hit me.... I AM living with a stranger, someone who I cannot trust to do right by me, someone who has made it clear to me that they are settling for what I am and our life we have built (which is crushing by the way) instead of loving me as a husband should. I dont want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me. And I am old enough to know that love isnt that "I am so in love with you feeling" - love is a choice to honor and care for your spouse, knowing that the "feeling" of being in love comes and goes with the tide. This has moved beyond (at least in my mind that I can read from the situation) his hiding from his issues to me suspecting he thinks he can do much better than me (and wants better than me), and I am at the point now where I dont want to bear the hurt of that anymore.

So more power to him. THAT is what he has showed me, instead of showing me that he cares and is working on making things better for us (like I was doing). Maybe i am projecting my own insecurities here, but I have nothing else to go on.... If I did - maybe there would be some fight left in me.

Anyway - Would love some feedback from All of you really - not just ones who had to walk away from it all....