Zapp replied to another thread, and it really got me thinking. Its easy to focus on the damage being done to me, to feel the hurt and neglect from his anger transference, from his near constant rejection etc. I know what all of that stems from so I have stood my ground with him, never giving up. And now - for the "who knows how many times" time - he has stated again that he doesnt want to be married. Of course, I am not surprised - a World of Warcraft movie came out, new expansion to the game and all. Perfect escape for someone who is afraid to face who they really are, and what their past really is.

But this time - I am done with the games, the ride, the constant control and expectations of myself from someone who doesnt even SEE ME. And thats really the most tragic part of this. My H was lucky he married someone like me. Someone who sees past the flaws, the problems and the issues to who he really is. (which is uncomfortable to him since HE doesnt love himself). He is lucky that he married someone who loved him enough to give him all those chances when he broke his word, when he "tested" me with porn, when he had inappropriate attentions on other women. Because i CHOSE to see him for who he is. I chose to take a chance on him, lift him up, not tear him down. Even though the work of that lifting was hard, I was there every step of the way. I educated myself about the challenges he faced, and adjusted my perception and expectations accordingly.

And when the CSA came out - I didnt flinch when he told me his deepest secrets and deepest shames. I didnt run away in "disgust" like SO MANY other wives have - believe me, I know - I am in a support forum like this for male survivors of CSA. I have read countless posts from men wishing their wives reacted like me. I get private messages from men on that forum thanking me and calling me an angel - telling me that even though they were abandoned by their wife, it gave them hope that they could find someone like me since *I* existed. When I read those stories and those messages, it breaks me up so much. Because my H - he doesnt see any of it. In fact, in almost stereo typical fashion - he has transferred the anger from what happened to him to me and our marriage and has become oppositional and files me under "enemy".

I dont even think he is totally aware of how much he does it because he is so disconnected to his own emotions and so out of control that he just reacts - with out even thinking WHY. And instead of turning my back on him, I tell him I love him, that we need to talk and communicate so we can work through this. I work even harder to show him that he is loved and supported and will be able to recover when he is ready to take the steps. And still... he doesnt see me. He thinks that I have him pinned down and controlled - when literally - I have NOTHING to do with it.

The only things I will not tolerate are 1. cheating, 2. porn, 3. lying. We have total transparency because - I didnt run away when those things (other than cheating) became a problem. Most other women would - and all other women have in his life. No. I stayed. I looked at who he really was deep inside - and I know THAT guy... that guy under the mask is a baddass, he is an amazing man with a loving heart, a good person to the core. The mask - not so much. But that is who is in control. And that is who I have dealt with for most of our marriage.

And STILL... I stuck it out, because beating down that mask was going to be a long, hard battle - one that my H said he was ready to commence. So I did my part, I got the environment in shape, I armed myself with knowledge and gave him the same weapons. He was supposed to be educating himself. Gearing himself up to finally be truly free and in REAL control (not being dictated by his every whim like how a child views control). But he lied. He didnt do any of those things. The mask took over and said "do that later - thats hard, have fun right now, be lazy right now, play on your phone right now" etc... and later never came. He had every weapon he needed - but never bothered to pick any of them up.

So - he is very lucky. He is lucky he married someone who was willing to invest not just her heart and emotions, but her intellect and finances into him. Provide him with the ability to reach all his dreams... and he threw it all away because he is too lazy to step up. Because he is too fearful to even LOOK at the weapons that will save his life. Because escape into a fantasy world is so much more appealing because its NOT REAL... and reality for him is a very scary place. He is leaving, and I will be OK. I am aware of what I am loosing when this marriage dies and will be able to appropriately mourn and grieve.

The tragedy of this is that he doesnt have any idea, and it is going to compound all his issues with a layer of sadness that he cant place. And everyone else he brings into his life will suffer for it and be blamed, and the cycle will continue until he finally picks up the weapons and beats down the mask. He was lucky to have married me - who gave him everything - instead of someone who would have taken what little he had away from him.

Here is how is has gone for 40 years:  I invite, plan menu, buy groceries for menu, clean house, set table, peel, marinate the meat for the grill, clean up prep mess, lead, take care of the granddaughters while doing this because they usually have stayed overnight.     H is sitting in the garage smoking while I am doing this saying he is "mowing the lawn". People come to the door, he is still smoking until I am ready to call him to say the meat is ready to put on the grill.  THEN he holds court making a very big production about how he needs me to get him the right tools, get the platters ready for him, help me bring the meat to the table. All with a little bit of frustration on his part because this is almost too much for him to handle.  Then for the next week he is talking about how he grilled for everyone, what "we" all made and how he likes to grill out. Tomorrow we are having a very small family group over and I am planning how I can change this dynamic.

When I ask him to "take over" a portion of the preparation, he seems to get overwhelmed and fiesty (like I should not "tell" him what to do).  Then, if he does start a creative food project in the kitchen, the mess he creates and the nervous tension he brings makes more work for me....which is why I just have done things myself in the kitchen mostly for all these years.  He walks through the house with shoes on the rugs after being outside in the rain or in the greasy, oily, dirty garage.  He does not notice. He is unaware of things, answering to no one, going about his singular way.  Like a teenager in the house.

I would like to enjoy the people while they are here but it seems like I am the servant girl in the kitchen, cleaning and serving. When people leave, I am drained and resentful that H takes credit for what I do.

Anyone have a system or a way of navigating "when people come over for a meal"? It doesn't have to be fancy...it's my son's birthday...just extended family. I usually get take out...knowing that grilling makes a lot of work for me.  Food delivery is not available here. And this time my other son suggested "let's just grill out a bunch of meat" and I impulsively agreed. Which means, for me, veggies or salad, drinks for kids and adults, dishes, cleanup.  The day before having had 2 young granddaughters most of the day and overnight. 

Some women seem to know how to make all this happen and enjoy it while doing it.  How do you prepare and enjoy the time with people you have invited to come for an enjoyable time? 

So - I heard this song, and BOY did it resonate with me today!  PLUS - its got Marines!  And who doesnt love them! :-)

THEY CANNOT HAVE OUR SOULS!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuwfgXD8qV8

Days like this I want to drive away
Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade
You chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now, now look at me

This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!
Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!

I just wanna throw my phone away
Find out who is really there for me
You ripped me off your love was cheap
Was always tearing at the seams
I fell deep, you let me down
But that was then and this is now, now look at me

This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!
Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!

Now look at me I’m sparkling
A firework, a dancing flame
You won't ever put me out again I’m glowin’ oh whoa
So you can keep the diamond ring
It don't mean nothing anyway
In fact you can keep everything yeah, yeah except for me

This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no!
Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me, no
Away from me no
This is the part of me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, no
Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me,
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

My husband is a good person at the core. Loving, affectionate, and faithful. He loves me and his kids and would die for us I am sure of that. He is a loving, playful and affectionate father. He is very smart and creative and ambitious. He is giving. These are the things I love about my husband. Due to his ADD which I did not realize was causing all the chaos in his life (and eventually mine) he is not a dependable person. Financially I lack trust even though he hit rock bottom a few years ago and has done really good with paying his share of the finances since. I never know his schedule for work or life in general. He puts efforts into making room in his schedule for his activities but does not put priority on family needs/schedules or my schedule. My goals, dreams or concerns or unimportant to him and he rarely listenes when I try to discuss. He is emotionally unavailable and pretty much unavailable for any discussion outside of his work or fishing. I never know when he will be home or if he is away on business until he is leaving for the trip that morning. I cannot schedule my own personal time well because I don't know his schedule (we have two small kids so this is why it is hard). Over the last 4 years after feeling like I have been walked all over I have finally created boundaries to keep his chaos "his" and out of my life. I feel very lonely most of the time as I do not feel like he is an engaged partner. It seems he is mostly a figurehead in our lives only. The kids are confused by his "randomness" and schedule and miss him a lot. The boundaries have helped me take back my life, enjoy activities I could not do before because I was always waiting for him to "help." The financial stresses are not as bad because I control the budget and keep a roof over our heads. I work and contribute equally financially. I was hoping the boundaries would solve my problems and then I could have a wonderful marriage and for the most part it has. But now I am left feeling as though having to have so many boundaries b/c you cannot trust the person you have committed your life to is lonely and depressing and I am not attracted to him any longer. How do you take care of yourself and still love the person you are protecting yourself against? I am trying to call up the days when we first met and our independence was cherished. But now that we are a family I long for someone to actually share the family with, to do things with, to know if I am sick or something happens I can call and actually get ahold of my spouse. Has anyone had this experience and how did you get through it to find a light at the end of the tunnel? How did you fall in love again after putting up so many walls to protect yourself? (Ironically enough while writing this my H's mother called and asked me if I knew why a Principal Investigator for the state was calling and asking her about my husband and his business. I just had to explain to not involve me and why to her which now she is having an anxiety attack over us getting divorced. I should have just said I don't know call him but I am so worked up today after him being unresponsive for two days while I was missing work and home with my sick kids I just let it all out at why her son is so hard to deal with! LOL the fun never stops)