Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Sometimes I just can't be bothered by: Dipity 8 years 2 months ago

    Is it just me who sometimes really cannot be bothered to deal with my partners out of control symptons? 

    I know his meds are not working, I know he's not working on anything much, he's unfocused, forgetful, vague, lying over stupid things, obsessed with a game on his phone, forgetting plans we have made, speaking to me like crap, off on another planet....

    I know I should and can handle his symptoms better than I am at the moment. But you know what. I just can't be bothered. I will at some point have a conversation, but just for now I'm tired. I'm sick of his adhd. I know he doesn't get a holiday from having it, but he sure takes many holidays from managing it. 

    I know I can be a much better person but his behaviour lately has been incredibly hurtful and my walls are up for a little while until I finish licking my wounds. 

  • Husband Won't Get Treatment by: kathy1208 8 years 2 months ago

    My husband won't address his ADHD issues. He used to say he didn't have ADHD and/or it simply didn't exist and was a madeup diagnosis. He's come around a pretty good amount I guess. This past year after losing something the umpteenth time he asked me "so what would I have to do to get ADHD meds?" Nonetheless I feel that he thinks that acknowledging and treating this problem is admitting that he's the "problem" in our marriage or something. Honestly the ADHD hair trigger temper/impatience stuff just takes up so much time we barely have the time or energy to ever identify and focus on what our other non ADHD issues are, from my end or his. When you've spent a full week fighting over his raising his voice over trivial stuff and who started it and blah blah blah, how can we even begin to grow as a couple otherwise? We are dealing with a level of pettiness that is so overblown and nonsensical it monopolozes our capacity for conflict and nothing legitimate is ever addressed. My point is, what I wish I could say to my husband is that if you acknowledged this was an issue and addressed it, the petty anger and fighting, hurt, regret and confusion that come with it would cease or be greatly reduced, and then we could just be two flawed individuals that are married and trying our best and just keep making all the other mistakes that people in healthy relationships make, and we'd have time to address those. He clearly sometimes notices and regrets his behavior, to the point where once a couple months ago he said that he feels im 'better than him" and that makes him uncomfortable. Im NOT "better than him". He is better than this behavior, and the person he is is wonderful. I wish he'd take a shot at separating himself from the behavior that doesn't otherwise jive with his sweet, affectionate warm personality, but he just won't. it took me two months and reminding him a half dozen times to go online and pay the car insurance - the money was in the bank, i just didnt have the log-in info. how can i get a person like that to sit down and plan how to get treatment when he is already very scatterbrained generally about simple stuff? I just dont see it happening. I am feeling pretty hopeless right now. When my husband doesn't blame himself, he blames me. When he blames himself, he feels immense shame and regret. So, I bounce back and forth between a guy who seems to be engaging in some level of shame and self loathing (I NEVER want my husband to feel uncomfortable or like im better than him), and a guy who thinks that his wife is the problem (I likewise NEVER want him to think that im just some bully that picks on him). I am 7 months pregnant, too, so things are going to get more complicated with a child. The only thing thats worse than suggesting that my husbands ADHD contributes to our marital discord is suggesting that his ADHD may somehow negatively impact our child. So, it's like the more i try to get ADHD addressed the more defensive and resentful of me he seems. I want to have a happy marriage that stands the test of time. I want my husband to always be proud of himself and who he is as a husband, father friend, etc. and most of all i want our child to have a happy, realistically well adjusted childhood and have a healthy emotional state as an adult. Right now im feeling like none of those things are possible.

  • *sigh* - looks like take off is sputtering and loosing altitude a little by: SpaceyStacey197... 8 years 2 months ago

    My H - who went off and started doing some amazing things for 2 weeks, has started loosing steam I believe.  Like other times - this seems to be starting his loss of motivation etc.  I hope I am wrong, but I doubt it.

     

    Last thursday he "took it easy" and didnt do his big projects because he knew Friday was going to be a long tiring day with 6 hours on the road, and a big task.  So  - no problem, I get that he didnt want to start anything big and then leave it over the weekend.  So he said he was going to do the big stuff on the weekend since the temps were going to be alot more comfortable. 

     

    Weekend comes and goes - he spent most of each day outside on FB, watching videos and smoking.  No projects got done.  Regular stuff (to the minumum) got done. He also didnt work out at all over the weekend (which I do m-f, and my weekends are free days) so no big deal - but for me, when I miss a day in the week, I do it on saturday.  He has made no such commitment etc - but I just hoped he would not write it off and actually DO it again.

     

    Today he did do a workout - but only did 1/2 the program he had been doing.  Normally I go get him a glass of ice water, but he did his workout early, and I was in a meeting.  My meeting ended right after he quit, so I didnt get him any water today.  We will see what he does as far as projects, but its looking like the rocket is sputtering again.  I guess the lure and fun of a new gadget is just too much.

     

    Its his story - and he can do what he wants to improve himself, but I wont lie thta I am starting to feel disappointed that he isnt stepping back up like he was.  I am also disappointed in myself that again, I wanted to buy into it and actually got hopeful that something had really clicked.  Honestly, I am just hoping that this is a hard start for him, and that he will do better this afternoon, and do his full workout tomorrow.  HE KNOWS HE CAN DO IT - so he just gave up today.  I hate watching him give up.  Thats what it boils down to.

     

     

  • The realities of our true feelings concerning our marriages.... by: c ur self 8 years 2 months ago

    Are you offended by being a Husband or Wife?

    We are all different on this forum, but, in the same breathe I can say we all have many similarities.

    What is your concept of marriage?

    What or Who do you pattern you life after as a husband or wife?

    Who for you is the authority on what a marriage is suppose to look like?

    Does the meanings of any of these words offend you, as they pertain to you as an individual?...Work, Helper, Leader, Accountability, Responsibility, Sex, Submission, Openness, Repentance, Apologies, Forgiveness, Love, Cleanliness, Dirty, Messy, Hunger, Thirst....

    Do you fight against or make excuses for things you know in your heart that you should seek to become or take on as a husband or wife?

    From my own experience's in life, the things I hate, dislike or fight against, I never get good at.....Do you truly desire to be a Good Husband or Wife?

    Honesty w/ one's self and a shared understanding of our belief system w/ our spouse is vital if communication is going to be possible. Without this understanding going into a discussion, I've found that arguments can and do quickly surface. And, they usually stay unresolved, because they are open ended...The reason there open ended is, more times than not we are making a case for two different realities....We have little to no concept or understanding of our mates perspective about the subject....

    It's vital to find out if you or you spouse hates being a husband or wife....This maybe the simple answer to many of our problems....

    Are you offended by the requirements of your wedding Vows?? Do you want to live Single, but, just use your spouse for selfish purposes?

    I sure don't have all my own answers here; some of my realities are to painful to puke up....But, truth will set us free!

    C

     

  • Married into an ADD/ADHD family by: mandyc 8 years 2 months ago

    First, thank you to everyone for sharing their personal stories and challenges with those they love that deal with ADD/ADHD on a daily basis. It is not easy for them and certainly not easy for those in the support role. To keep it short and sweet I'm going to sum up the past 10 years in a few sentences. Married, children, school, separation, trying again.....thinking living with family for some added support (since getting support from my DH was difficult) was a good idea until I found out that everyone in the house I am living with has ADD/ADHD. I feel my husbands diagnosis is used as a crutch and his mother does EVERYTHING for him. He does not have any responsibility in his life outside of work (which I am grateful he can hold down a decent job). Emotional support has been long gone. We have tried counseling but the second ADD came up he bolts. We have tried counseling a few times - he refused to stick with any of it. His physician has also suggested counseling but he says he doesn't have time for that. He has come to me for help (on the very rare occasion)with organizing him. I have not touched his things in years which honestly doesn't help since I still get blamed for it anyway. But when I agree to help him and I make sure he understands that I will need to touch his things, he is in agreement until it happens. His words and actions are so very different from each other. He doesn't spend time with me or the children - unless it involves something he wants to do and it MUST be outside of the house. He refused ADD meds due to side effects and sticks with anti-anxiety meds that seem to work a little when he actually takes them. I can't speak my mind about anything because his mother will step in and try to solve the issue when it doesn't even involve her. (One of the drawbacks for living with inlaws - ADD or not). So, much more than a few sentences but my question is....well I guess there isn't just one. I am desperate for tips, tricks, words of advice to help me better my marriage and my living situation with inlaws. Any and all help is so appreciated.

  • Video games by: SpaceyStacey197... 8 years 2 months ago

    My husband is a total addict to video games.  He will of course deny it, but i know it's true and I am sure he knows it deep down inside too.  At one point, he played World of Warcraft.  It totally consumed his life.  He walked away from it a few times, once even telling me he could finally see how toxic it was to his life.  He put that game in front of everyone including his daughter.  He finally stopped playing a few years ago, moving on to another game called Star Wars the Old Republic.    He lost control with that one too.  He says over and over he is done with World of Warcraft...and yet he has been spending a lot of time watching videos about it. Which means he is wanting to play again.  He doesn't think I understand this about him, and maybe he cannot see it in himself as he lives in denial about most everything.

     

    I found a resource for people who have gaming addictions, which can be worse that chemical addictions.   

     

    http://www.olganon.org/

     

    whats amazing in got me is reading the spouse,significant other forum is how similar so many of their stories are to my own experience and from what I have read here.  Esspecially about the addicted spouses accusations to the spouse who isn't gaming as being controlling and manipulative... The whole time trying to rationalize their neglectful and harmful behavior to their families.  I swear it was like reading my own husbands words to me.  

     

    I am just so sick of the games.  It's amazing to me to see people who are so blind to their own actions justify their addictive behavior.  If my husband said the same things about cocaine or alcohol it would be clear to anyone, but because it's Wow or any other game people just think it's no big deal.  At least until the person they invested all their emotion and love into looks them in the eyes and says that a game is more imortant to them than their marriage or their spouse.  How sick is that?  

  • How can I help him and improve my marriage without loosing myself? by: Juni 8 years 2 months ago

    I'm new to this forum but I was hoping to get some help and support here, and so far it's been helpful reading other people's stories and how to improve your relationship.

    Now I'd like to share my story to see if I can get some input and help since I feel very lonely in all of this and I don't know what to do.

    So I believe my husband has ADHD and possibly something else (I can see some autistic tendencies, and anger/emotional issues) but he's never been diagnosed as far as I know. I know he was very hyper as a child and that had troubles with the teachers in school (maybe ODD?), he couldn't stand to be told what to do and he believed he knew better (he's told me this). I also know his brother was given Ritalin as a child. 

    We've been together for 10 years and been married and living together for past 5 years since I moved from Europe to the US to be with him. Those 5 years we've been working together as self employed in our company we started. It's been very hard working together so closely, numerous of times I've tried to change this so that I could focus on a career of my own but he's not been supportive of that. He's very disorganized and he works in chaos which is driving me crazy, he doesn't see anything wrong with it, he sees it as unimportant. Several times he's gotten mad at me for cleaning up since he thinks it's unimportant and that I'm wasting my time. He also starts a lot of new projects without finishing them, sometimes he wants me to finish and other times he can't see that they need to be finished, he thinks let's say 80% finished is enough. This is creating problems in our business and relationship. He's also almost 100 % focused on work and making money, working hard, sometimes 7 days a week and long days. It seems like that's all he cares about, there's little leisure time and he doesn't have any friends. He's totally consumed by the work that de does and it's all that he talks about.

    He talks about the things he's interested in in great detail, things that's not of interest to other people. He's so obsessed by this, I feel like he's not seeing me or care about me, I feel invisible, it's hard to get a word in sometimes. A lot of times he's lacking patience for me and for other people, and it's very hard for him to wait in line or sit in traffic, he rather drive several miles out of the way than sit in a little bit of traffic. He doesn't like authorities such as the government or cops, he doesn't like being told what to do and he thinks he knows what's best. He has a big ego, he think he's the smartest and best person, better than other people. He is intelligent and a genius in some respects I believe. 

    When we're going somewhere he just goes straight out to the car a lot of times without cell phone and wallet, I always have to ask if he's got the stuff he needs such as wallet and phone and what else it is he needs. He sees it as my responsibility to remind him and make sure he doesn't forget, he gets mad at me if I don't remind him. Sometimes he forgets to eat. I also think he doesn't take care of his hygiene, sometimes he doesn't shower for days even though he's been doing physical work and is dirty and sweaty. He doesn't get his hair or toenails cut, sometimes he doesn't shave, doesn't brush his teeth. If I say maybe he should take a shower since it's been so long he usually says he's to tired at the end of the day or he gets upset with me.

    He sometimes has trouble sleeping because of "stress" and is siting up at night in front of computer, it seems like he has endless of energy and doesn't need to sleep much, usually he crash at night in the sofa totally exhausted.

    I could go on and on about this but just wanted to give a picture of the situation.

    But the biggest problem for me is his anger and his outbursts. If I'm not behaving the way he wants me to or if I say something he doesn't like he can get very angry with me. He's got a very short temper and snaps at me, he can be very edgy sometimes. The outbursts can be nasty, he yells and screams, he calls me every name under the sun, he's very scary and intimidating. I'm more a quiet sensitive person and I'm not used to this so I get very hurt and upset. I don't know how to handle this. I've tried different strategies; time out, leaving the situation (makes him even more angry), tried to reason, telling him he's hurting me (he says he doesn't care), yelling and screaming back .... Nothing works, I don't know what to do anymore.

    We don't have children and I want to have children but I don't want to bring in children in a relationship where there's yelling and screaming and name calling. I've told him this. 

    Im shattered, I don't know what to do, I love him but some things I find hard to accept and it's preventing me from having children. Divorcing him would have a big impact on my life situation since I'm dependent on him financially and because I'm from Europe, I could not afford to stay in our house by myself and I would probably have to move back to Europe and start over. I've been working so hard so it's difficult to cut my losses and give up, I want it so badly to work but at the same time I don't see a future together if nothing changes. 

    Im trying to make him do an evaluation and to work on his anger but he's very resistant, he doesn't do much self reflection and he likes to blame others all the time. 

    It might sound like he's a terrible person but he's got some good qualities as well :-)

    I don't know how to move forward, sometimes I feel I have no control over the situation and that I'm loosing it.

    Sorry for making it so long, thank you for reading and for your support 

     

  • It's better by: Furby withbentears 8 years 2 months ago

    After reading what I had been putting my fiancé through in you stories. And reflecting on my behievor I was/am ashamed.  the only thing that made a difference is that I actually acknowledged that I was the reason my so was/is the way she is because of:ME.  you know you say something we misiterpit, and blow up.  To stop that chain, it takes a lot of cognitive engagement, and know how to act.  It's hard after so many failed relationships, lost things, and awkward social interactions to have confidence that we aren't going to f-this current relationship up.  It's like a runaway train sometimes, or more like a self fulfilling story of loss.   Thank you for being here it keeps me "real".  Ps...I have PTSD too. :(

  • why is good grooming so difficult?? by: dvance 8 years 2 months ago

    Many of us post here about lack of grooming in our ADHD husbands.  Why is grooming such a big issue with them?  My DH has the most disgusting feet and toenails you can even imagine.  Why can he not keep them trimmed??  He walks around barefoot, if I can see them he can see them.  I have asked him to keep socks or slippers on because his toes are gross and he tells me to get over it, it's just feet.  Ditto the fingernails--long, hangnails, raggedly.  Why??  Stuff in the ears--yuck.  Why is keeping yourself together such a big thing?  He showers every night and he does brush his teeth but his breath is terrible even still.  I have no idea why.  I am not being sarcastic--I want someone to explain the connection between ADHD and poor grooming.  I wonder if it comes from the same place as the "not seeing the mess" comes from--like those of us with husbands that can walk right by an overflowing garbage can and literally not see it.  That kind of thing--a lot of us post about that too--how do they NOT see _____________ (whatever it is).  Maybe it's the same with grooming.  I refuse to tell my 48 year old husband his nails need trimming.  My two teenage boys don't need reminding for crying out loud.  Don't you care what you look like?  

    dvance

  • I have no idea whats going on.... by: SpaceyStacey197... 8 years 2 months ago

    So - things have started changing... and I have NO IDEA what happened, or why or what any of it means.  This is a breakdown of what has happened.

     

    For 7 years I have supported my husband and been there with him through thick and thin, no matter what - and I have worked with him on all challenges that have come up.  I have made plenty of mistakes, and I have owned up to them and know that everything gets better with work.

     

    For the past few months, husband has been saying he is broken, feels controlled and believes that there is no future between us (a recurring thematic cycle in our marriage).  During that time, he still acted like a husband, still said he loved me, still was making plans for the future etc.  (this is a cycle he goes through every year). As with many of you guys - allot of the problems that are common we have faced (not keeping his word or his commitments, not following through with what he says, no trying to do the work and get help - only the endless "thinking" about it etc.  he feels that his responsibilities are just things controlling him instead of him doing what he wants when he wants etc).

     

    Couple of months ago, I asked him if he was going to put his ring back on because things were really good with us (he had not been wearing it for a few months since the LAST time he said he didnt know he wanted to be married or not) - he said yes.  Few days later I asked when, and then he said again he wasn't sure that he wanted to be married etc - AGAIN.

     

    Something inside me snapped - and so I decided that I wasn't taking it anymore.  My life would be what i want and I no longer would consider him part of the equation.  So - I stopped.  I stopped talking to him like he was my husband, I stopped thinking of him that way, I stopped hoping, worrying etc.  I never stopped loving him - but I pushed myself to move all my focus onto myself, my health and my future WITH OUT HIM.  I began making plans for myself.  I started thinking about what my future could be with out all the chains he put on me with his constant threats to leave.   I am tired of the cycle, I don't want it anymore.  I want a real relationship with someone who truly is in it for the long haul and not ready to run away like a little scarred bunny every time a loud noise happens.  you know?

     

    So for 2 months, I have started working out, becoming stronger physically and mentally.  I have started operating on a mindset of "this is me and me only".  I have stopped worrying about what WE will eat for dinner and focused on what I wanted to eat (which is healthy and GOOD for me).  I have stopped worrying myself about his health, or anything like that.   I started making preparations mentally and logistically for when he would be leaving - because I am tired of the cycle and am no longer going to accept the excuses. 

     

    2 weeks ago - something changed.... suddenly, he decided to do a project, one that I had been asking for for 2 years now.  And so he DID IT.  DID IT WELL!  (see my other posts about it).  And then every day he worked very hard to start completing all the things he left hanging where he never followed through.  That whole week he worked HARD.  In the blazing heat, and the work he did was... dare I say  - FANTASTIC.  As in - not minimal effort - but maximum effort.  No cutting corners, no hiding things or just making different piles of things out of old piles of things and calling it done.  I didn't think he would keep it up.  BUT HE DID!  THE WHOLE WEEK!    Then we had family come in to town and he kept things up while they were here - still working hard!  Then went right back to his work on his projects!

     

    Then on last Sunday, unfortunately, he was watching a video that looked very inappropriate and I had walked up to the desk to grab my phone.  What I saw looked really bad (breaking promises bad) and I got VERY upset.  He came to me and asked me what was wrong - and I didn't want to talk about it but he pushed me.  So  - I basically told him it didn't matter because he was leaving.  And then I went off about the video and told him that while he was still here, I expected him to NOT watch videos of that nature while on my network.  It got ugly, and at one point I told him that I was fine he was leaving (which I am) but that the sooner he was out of my life the better.  I said it in anger, and while I know its true - the way I said it was wrong and I should not have.  He told me if I would just watch the video I would understand it wasn't what I thought.  So - he left to take a walk, and I decided to watch the video.  And he was right - it wasn't what i thought, it was actually an expose.  So I was totally wrong and jumped to a conclusion.  When he came back - he went out back to smoke and i told him that I did indeed watch it, that I was wrong about the video and that I was sorry.  And I meant it.  He came in after that and said he appreciated it.  Before this happened, he still told me every night that he loved me, and gave me a hug and a peck on the lips.  As I said before - it felt forced, and it felt awkward for me because I don't want someone to feel obligated to touch me!  NO!  And he also said he loved me every time he would leave, and every time he hung up the phone.  After this fight we had, all of that stopped.  Things were rather tense.

     

    Monday - he started working HARD again - and to top that off.... he did 2 things that astounded me.  First, he brought me a glass of ice water while I was doing my workout.  He had not acknowledged that I had even been doing it for 2 months!  Even though he would watch me get up and do it - not even a word or a bit of acknowledgement.  But he did, and it was very generous and kind and it truly inspired me.   And in case I wasn't shocked enough, he went and changed his clothes, and got up on the elliptical himself!  HE WENT FOR a VERY hard interval program for a full 20 minutes.  I know it was hard, and he had to slow down - but he never got off of the machine.  He went all the way through.  Really - I wanted to jump for joy because exercise is so critical to managing ADHD symptoms (as is diet) - and this was the first time since he crashed almost 3 years ago that he has done it.  He never was as strong and confident and as happy as he was when he was doing his cross fit stuff and eating right.  I hope for him he is going back to that.  I really didn't think he would do it again - but he did.  Every single day this week (save for Wed) he got up on there and did a work out.  Wed. he had fighter practice so that is a HUGE workout.  And then today he had to run up to his mothers (in another state) and transfer a car to my niece.  I don't know if he will get on when he gets back - but it probably would make him feel less sore - but I sure wouldnt hold it against him if he didnt!!  Either way I am proud of him - and I made sure to get him a glass of ice water every time he stepped up.  I hope this is a new thing for him - him finding a new reality for himself. 

     

    I KNOW this doesn't mean things are better between us - but I love him and no matter what I want him to succeed.

     

    And then... OUT OF THE BLUE... last night he told me he "loved me, good night".   I had to ask him "what" because i barely could hear him - and could not believe I heard him right.  But that what he said.  So - I said it back.  And I meant it.  Then - he told me this morning when he left that he loved me.  And each time I got off the phone with him today when he called to let me know status - he told me he loved me.... I am really kinda shocked and not sure what to think of this.  I refuse to allow myself to think that he suddenly has figured things out and deep inside wants things to work between us.  I am still not sure if this resolve is real or another one of his 100 false starts.  Its hard not to be encouraged for him though.  Its hard to not hope that this is the start of his REAL journey working on his own healing issues from the CSA stuff, and learning to manage his own symptoms.

     

    Please know - I am still planning on him leaving, nothing has changed.  Nothing except suddenly I am seeing tiny glimpses of  that guy who stepped up to the plate, who lived up to what he said and kept his honor and word back when he took REAL control of himself (the guy with the amazing floppy hair who was so excited to show me his muscles, the guy who was starting to realize he really COULD take things to the next level in his fighting, the guy who made my heart skip a beat when he would smile at me).  I don't know what to think, I don't know how to feel.  CRAZY!  I love him very much - but am at the point that I know I will not be happy with out my needs getting met.  And I am not saying he is working towards doing that at ALL - but I do think he might be seeing that he needs start being honest with himself about his life, and maybe... JUST MAYBE... he is learning that being honorable, and living up to his word and agreements, and actually ACCOMPLISHING stuff gives him more reward than any game, or any cigarette or any cookie and candy could ever give.  Who knows.  I just hope that he sticks to it.  I am not gonna say a word - this is his journey 100% and has nothing to with me and because I wont rock this boat for anything.  Its like he finally climbed into the rescue boat on the stormy ocean - and I am terrified to move because I don't want him to loose his grip and fall back out.   Regardless of my relationship with him - I want to see him slay the monsters.... I hate them as much as he does.  Even though he cant imagine it.

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