My boyfriend or should I say "ex-boyfriend" were dating for 4 months, long-distance. We met on a dating site, we had a conection we haven't had before with anyone else, we were so different but yet so similar.
His life his a mess, he had a little girl with his ex and she have never allowed him to see her, the same ex filled a restraint order for his mom because she doesn't want to have contact with his family, he has a huge school debt, no job because he dropped school before he discovered or was diagnosed with ADHD.
We were doing very well, had some little disagrements but we would always come back stronger, we were making plans about one of us visiting the other, due to the lack of money for both of us, it's getting hard because I live in America and he lives in Norway.
We used to voice-call or video-call for hours, when i say hours I really mean it, we would usually talk like 4 to 5 fives hours and we used to text each other almost all day.
On top of all of that, he has a drinking problem and in order to get proper medication his therapist said he needs to quit alcohol, he was so determined to do it but he had a setback and got wasted with the friends he lives with, after that he got very deppresed and texted me about how sorry he was he had failed to me and how I deserve a better man than him, I've known he has depression problems and ADHD since the first month and i've always tried to understand him and support him, I've told him countless times that I love him for who he is and that I accept with him with all of that. Our conection was so strong we even started talking about moving in together either in my country or his, about how we crave each other in every sense but he had mentioned that he thinks it's not fair for me to be with such "disaster" when I can do so much better with a more mental stable and succesful man.
Until that day he got wasted with his friends, we had a call and he was very regretful about having had drinked because his uncle was also in the hospital for smoking and drinking too much and he said he don't want to end up like him, I calmed him down and everything was seeming to get better, until the next day we barely texted and I was out, i told him I was going to call him when I got home and I did but he never responded, it's been two days and he's still not answering my calls or texts, I might have complicated it even more by trying to contact him trough all of his social media, but haven't been lucky.
His bestfriend told me he is having a very hard time and that maybe he only wants time for himself, but I don't know... my ex boyfriend never broked up with me, he just vanished like this one but there's a difference; with my other ex it was a fight what lead to the silent treatment and he hadn't ADHD and this other one he does have it and we never had a fight or anything that could have led him to the ghosting.

I've read a little bit hyperfocus, do you think he was only hyperfocused and now he realized he doesn't love me? He once told me that he was scared because no one have ever been this kind, loving with him and that nobody had ever accepted him for who he is the way I have and that when he got depressed and most of time he felt like he doesn't deserve me because he's too fucked up to be so lucky to have a girlfriend like me, which I always responded that that was not true, that he was an awesome person and that I was a lucky one because he is a very special person.

Now I don't really know what to do, my family don't know about him having ADHD and I'm sure nobody could understand me like this forum because i've been reading some of your experiences.

As the significant other of a man with ADD and Depression, I am always trying to figure out what might be done to modify the explosiveness of the relationship.

I have the same problems many have...which include all the requisite accusations: "I wouldn't be angry if you didn't____________"; "The reason I can't get anything done is because you __________"; "If you would just give me a chance I could accomplish _____________";..... on and on and on... In reading this forum we all seem to share the same life.

Then there is the anger. The bullying behavior that is exhibited predictably at the moment he realizes he has forgotten something again, didn't finish something again, didn't even remember whatever, again. At that moment seemingly another whole person emerges that is the "boss"; "in control"; "you listen to me, I'll do the talking";...... that person is aggressive, angry, confrontational, know-it-all, pompous A$$ ..... and the whole thing is repeated in the exact same way, each and every time.

Soooo... I watch and I try to figure out how being unsuccessful in life leads to being "in control" of the conversation that is focused on the lack of success. This is in opposition to what I feel could be a more normal response that would sound something like, I'm not able to remember or complete daily living tasks, perhaps rather than be angry and bossy, maybe I should review what goes wrong all the time and figure out how to prevent it in the future."

That sort of dialogue NEVER happens.

This observation makes me feel there is some behind the scenes profit in presenting anger rather than solutions. Perhaps the profit is the intense adrenaline production all that anger and pontification creates. Adrenaline may be like amphetamine which, in someone with ADD, should be soothing. Just maybe, the anger and aggression actually makes the chemistry feel better. I think we both know it does not make the relationship feel better, but the chemistry might be like a junkie getting a fix.

Maybe the unrealized value of that far supersedes the detriment of the relationship. Maybe thats why it is so hard for them to stop that angry behavior. Maybe thats why they do it several times a day, like a boost to the "feel good" chemistry they need.

Then there's the posturing, controlling, know-it-all as a stand alone. Maybe this is how they regain a sense of controlling their environment. This behavior may feel like "instant control"; where the understanding of what they've not accomplished feels like being completely out of control. Maybe this is a twisted survival mechanism. Destructive, yes. However, I don"t think ADD has an understanding of how what they do (or don't do) is destructive.

I honestly don't think they spend much time thinking about consequence at all.

So.. I've rambled a bit maybe. A recapitulation might be:

- ADD might behave "for the moment"
- Anger creates favorable chemistry "for the moment"
- Controlling, know-it-all behavior creates a sense of being in control of *something*:
- Consequence is a by-product of specific focused thought which isn't part of any moment during the day

"You change for two reasons: You either learn enough that you want to..... Or you've been hurt enough that you have to"

I'm 32 and dating a 25 year old male with ADD/ADHD.  I have never experienced a relationship like this, soo hard to be with someone who has this disorder.  He was diagnosed young and is prescribed medication but does not take it.  In the beginning there was just something about him that was great....there still is.  To me he's different and theres just something there. We moved really fast in the beginning, started dating and then he proposed. I was once married and with someone for 13 years and it ended badly so since then I've had walls up about dating and guys in general but again with him there was just something different.  I told him yes but the agreement was we were not going to set a date, that marriage would be in the future.  Ots now been almost 2 years and more then not the relationship is horrible. I read all the posts and it's exactly what's happening with me/us except he has major issues with thinking I'm cheating or talking to other guys. He has said the most hurtful things to me. I feel exhausted of the situation, I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like he knows nothing, like he was never taught anything....is this a ADD thing? He seen a therapist a couple times and that was it.....recently got diagnosed with depression and is now taking medication for that.  I feel like his insecurities will never stop, always making rude comments.  I have never given him a reason to think I'm doing something behind his back. He was cheated on in a past relationship but it's a constant ordeal. Im kinda lost on what to do....I love him and want this to work because again there is just something about him....he can be so great! He states there is nothing wrong with him and that him going to therapy and getting on depression meds is for me.  Always mt fault.  Any insight......advice..anything! Am I wasting my time? Can or will it ever get better?

I moved this comment I made previously as to my own feelings of why my wife does what she does.  I could not wrap my head around her behavior and the motivation that I was seeing as quite obvious to me....as self sabotaging both herself....Me......and us together at the same time.

I wanted to include part of how I arrived at this in terms of the first born....oldest sibling in her household.  This get's right back to attachment theory once again and is at the root cause or core of her motivations. And of course.....the mother (her mother in her case) had an instrumental part to play in this at the core or cause of it. ( even if....unintentional )   I think the more extreme the failure is on the mothers part  (your spouse's mother if you are trying to apply it to them)....the more extreme the behaviors become.  That is....as it works within the theory itself. 

FYI:  You of course....have your own part to play into this dynamic as well in the same way...for the same reasons.

I'm going to venture as far as to say that with my wife...and everything I know pulling this all together....this is exactly what I see in her actions and the reasons behind it even though she can't see it in herself and the reasons why.

More importantly....I see it....and that takes the control away from her and puts that in my court now and can proceed accordingly as I see fit.

For anyone else dealing with the same thing in their relationship with an avoidant personality....I think this might give you a good reference to work from yourself.....and then proceed as you see fit....for yourself alone...or within your relationship.

I might even venture as far to say.....I'm sure of it this time and I have no reason to doubt what I'm seeing anymore.  What I do with it....will be determined by using this as my reference in the future.  I think it's worth investigating and taking a closer look at the very least.

(a)Shame(d)    A little play on words there.  I was thinking about this in terms of my wife and I and I realized something I said in my speculating about my wife's childhood family situation and how she ended up the way she did.

Quiet is good (remaining silent or doing nothing)  mmmmmm?

Acceptance of reality?  mmmmmm?

Letter of the Law?  mmmmmm?

I'm thinking.....who's reality are we accepting?  And if so....are we right?  And should we keep our mouths shut just to avoid what we don't like,....just to keep the peace?  Our peace that is?

At the expense of what or who?  mmmmmm?

What I said the other day about my wife being a Tattletale on her little brother to save herself was almost for certain true from what I heard from her brother ( I remembered in grade school....little girls usually tattle'd more than little boys in general but this is not saying it doesn't work both ways either. 

The law of the play ground (jungle) during recess was pretty harsh on Tattletales and they usually ended up getting hurt by the group mob mentality.(Lord of the Flies)  This was very true when I grew up.  I remember one girl...who was tied to the tether ball pole with jump ropes and left alone outside crying after recess and the teacher finally figured out she was not back in her seat and had to go find her and rescue her.  True story. No one likes a Tattletale for good reason....it's a form of betrayal for the benefit of only one person ...themselves.

But as I thought about this more....I wondered what the Tattletale is really after and has to gain...knowing, everyone will hate them?  To win favor and special attention from the teacher....that's what they gain but doing so at everyone's expense.

And what happened in the early infants experience that created a dissmisve/avoidant child?  Mom left the child alone for too long and it didn't get it's needs met or enough attention after mom returned from being away from the child.  The attention given was either missing or inconsistent and/or un-nurturing right?  Probably because Mom was too interested in herself and the attention she needed? Or the mother was too busy herself and wasn't paying close enough attention to her childs needs......for what ever reasons?   What goes around comes around?

So why this self sabotaging behavior and where does it come from or originate from and then.....what do you do about it on your end to put an end to this uncalled for behavior?

I looked up Tattletales and found this interesting article to apply here.  Just a thought of my own and a possible way to get to the bottom of this once and for all?

The Tattletale....  How to get a kid to stop ratting out his friends.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on September 7, 2007 - last reviewed on June 9, 2016

I have a five-year-old grandson who has been snitching on his younger friends and cousins. His mother has talked to him about this and has noticed that his friends are backing away from him. She is unable to stop him. Is there any advice as to what she can do to help her five-year-old.

Your grandson is giving about as clear a signal as it gets that he needs attention. Not a talking to about misbehavior. But genuine, unfettered, for-him-only positive attention from his mother.

Every child needs some. He probably doesn't need a lot of it, but if he felt he had more of it, he wouldn't need to rat on those who are stealing from him the time and attention of his beloved mother. It may be that by the end of the day she is just too exhausted to give her son some exclusive time. But he needs it.

Perhaps mother and son can build in a little bedtime ritual that involves just the two of them, perhaps some reading and talk time. The important thing is that this time is set aside every day, that it occurs as reliably as sunrise and sunset so your grandson can come to count on it, and that—and this is really important—it is 15 or 20 minutes with no other demands on either of them.

Mom can't be doing one or two other things. It is time she shares only with her son. If a child knows he has access to his parent—a signal that he is loved and proof that his needs matter and will get attended to—then there is not the need to engage in behaviors designed to, from his perspective, enhance his status at the expense of others.

Children are amazing little creatures. Like all of us, even their misbehaviors serve a purpose. It is the obligation of the parent to figure out what that purpose is.

And it is especially important not to reward the misbehavior—"tattle telling"—with attention, which, unfortunately, your daughter is doing.

Further, from your grandson's perspective, being "talked to" about "tattle telling" is only compounding the crime already committed against him. He's getting chewed out for wanting an expression of love from his mother.

When your daughter begins giving a little exclusive positive attention to her son, perhaps they can use some of their talk time to come up with some really good and fun ways he can signal that he needs some Mommy time (without having to resort to putting other people down).

J