Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • ADH9er is the best Daddy a child could ever be blessed to have by: I'm So Exhausted 8 years 4 months ago

    I shall take a day to step out of the 'Wife" box and tell you about a man with ADHD and what kind of Dad he is, what he did, and what he did not do

    • Sunday School teacher
    • Youth Group Leader
    • Cub Scout Leader
    • Built playhouses out of appliance boxes
    • Spent hours building mazes - -  out of appliances boxes and duct tape - - - that filled 1/2 of an elementary gymnasium, for PTA carnivals and VBS picnics.
    • Wore a Clifford the Big Red Dog costume for a book fair
    • Built a bunny hutch
    • Painted a teenage girl's pink bedroom light blue, and then a few years later, dark blue
    • Built sleds out of cardboard boxes
    • Attended Dad and Kids' Camp
    • Coached softball every summer from the time they were old enough to play, until they got out of high school
    • Did fun - - really fun - - -Children's sermons
    • Let his children work with him
    • Taught his children, by example,  excellence in work ethic
    • Never drank
    • Never degraded his children
    • Never insulted his children
    • Never hit his children
    • Never called his children names
    • Let his children try things
    • Climbed ladders to hide Easter baskets on tree branches
    • Made igloos in the snow
    • Dug holes, filled them with water, and let his children play in the mud.  
    • Spent a whole summer growing a flower garden to make bouquets and flower arrangements for his daughter's wedding.  Even though her marriage collapsed, the memories of the flowers remains.  
    • Is spending the day with his 27 year old son, continually trying to learn by doing, letting his son take the lead and make decisions, and doing things the way his son wants them done.  
    • This is just a sampling of 27 years of his gifts at being a Dad.

    With love,

    Liz

  • showing emotions by: dedelight4 8 years 4 months ago

    My husband (adhd) has withheld loving, gentle, and affectionate demonstrations of emotions because he says he has a very IQ, and he isn't into "those" emotions. So, having a high IQ means you can't show someone how much you love them? That Doesn't make sense. I believe he has CHOSEN to do this.

         And, now says it's better if he hangs around with OTHER genius people such as himself, because they understand each other better. This tells me again, how little he has thought of MY intelligence.  According to Dr. RUSSELL BARKLEY,     IQ has nothing to do with Emotional Intelligence. You CAN be book smart AND also have emotions......meaning all emotions.

             It's sad to watch him continue in this facade he's built for himself, instead of just being himself. It was the nerdy, goofy, guy I fell in love with and not the Mr.Genius guy.  HE doesn't like the nerdy guy, because nerdy guy isn't "cool" or "sexy", or whatever. So, he acts the way he wants people to see him. What he doesn't uunderstand is that MOST of us see through his facade. 

              He believes he has  little to NO emotions, and has said this many times.  But, he shows anger, frustration, hostility, sarcasm, and defensiveness just FINE. So, he DOES have emotions. He just isn't counting showing some of the negative ones AS emotions, which they are.

              He also has viewed me as "weaker" for being able to SHOW  love, kindness, gentleness, and affection. I wish he understood that showing LOVE, when you want to show anger takes MORE strength than he could possibly know. It seems like he's been stuck in an adolescent view of what true strength really is.

             Sorry, just a short rant today, wishing things were different.

  • I Am INFP / ENTP ( both )...and ADHD (edit change) by: kellyj 8 years 4 months ago

    edit change:  I took the test again...one more time as a double blind control.  It came up ENTP instead of ENFP.  I think this is a better fit all things considered.

    INFP in a Nutshell (The Healer )

    INFPs are imaginative idealists, guided by their own core values and beliefs. To a Healer, possibilities are paramount; the realism of the moment is only of passing concern. They see potential for a better future, and pursue truth and meaning with their own individual flair.

    INFPs are sensitive, caring, and compassionate, and are deeply concerned with the personal growth of themselves and others. Individualistic and nonjudgmental, INFPs believe that each person must find their own path. They enjoy spending time exploring their own ideas and values, and are gently encouraging to others to do the same. INFPs are creative and often artistic; they enjoy finding new outlets for self-expression.

    What Makes the INFP Tick

    INFPs value authenticity and want to be original and individual in what they do. They are often concerned with a search for meaning and truth within themselves. Following tradition holds little appeal for the INFP; they prefer to do their own exploration of values and ideas, and decide for themselves what seems right. INFPs are often offbeat and unconventional, but they feel no desire to conform. The INFP would rather be true to themselves than try to fit in with the crowd.

    INFPs are accepting and nonjudgmental in their treatment of others, believing that each person must follow their own path. They are flexible and accommodating, and can often see many points of view. It is important to the INFP to support other people; however, the INFP may react strongly if they feel their own values are being violated. They especially hate being steamrolled by people who insist there is one right way to do things. INFPs want an open, supportive exchange of ideas.  ***

    side note: *** I can't tell you how much I hate this...with a passion!!  There is always more than one way to skin a Cat.  Why anyone would want to skin a Cat...is beyond me? lol There is NO such thing....as only ONE right way to do anything.  Period!!!   That is an illusion  that only exists in the mind of the person who thinks this way.  Where there's a will, there's always a way...always.

    Recognizing the INFP

    INFPs may initially seem cool, as they reserve their most authentic thoughts and feelings for people they know well. They are reflective and often spiritual, and often interested in having meaningful conversations about values, ethics, people, and personal growth. Typically curious and open-minded, the Healer continually seeks a deeper understanding of themselves and of the people around them. They are passionate about their ideals, but private as well; few people understand the depth of the INFP’s commitment to their beliefs.

    INFPs are sensitive and empathetic, and engage themselves in a lifelong quest for meaning and authenticity. The mundane aspects of life are of less interest to this type, and they are more excited by interesting ideas than by practical facts. They typically accept others without question, and may take special interest in offbeat points of view or alternative lifestyles. They often have a special affection for the arts, especially the avant garde, as they love experiencing new concepts in self-expression.

    Famous INFPs

    Famous INFPs include Princess Diana, Audrey Hepburn, Fred Rogers, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, Tori Amos, Morrissey, Chloe Sevigny, William Shakespeare, Bill Watterson, A.A. Milne, Helen Keller, Carl Rogers, and Isabel Briggs Myers (creator of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator)

    INFP is the ninth most common type in the population. They make up:

    4% of the general population

    5% of women

    4% of men

    ENTP in a Nutshell (Visionary)

    ENTPs are inspired innovators, motivated to find new solutions to intellectually challenging problems. They are curious and clever, and seek to comprehend the people, systems, and principles that surround them. Open-minded and unconventional, Visionaries want to analyze, understand, and influence other people.

    ENTPs enjoy playing with ideas and especially like to banter with others. They use their quick wit and command of language to keep the upper hand with other people, often cheerfully poking fun at their habits and eccentricities. While the ENTP enjoys challenging others, in the end they are usually happy to live and let live. They are rarely judgmental, but they may have little patience for people who can't keep up.

    What Makes the ENTP Tick

    ENTPs are energized by challenge and are often inspired by a problem that others perceive as impossible to solve. They are confident in their ability to think creatively, and may assume that others are too tied to tradition to see a new way. The Visionary relies on their ingenuity to deal with the world around them, and rarely finds preparation necessary. They will often jump into a new situation and trust themselves to adapt as they go.

    ENTPs are masters of re-inventing the wheel and often refuse to do a task the same way twice. They question norms and often ignore them altogether. Established procedures are uninspiring to the Visionary, who would much rather try a new method (or two) than go along with the standard.

    Recognizing the ENTP

    ENTPs are typically friendly and often charming. They usually want to be seen as clever and may try to impress others with their quick wit and incisive humor. They are curious about the world around them, and want to know how things work. However, for the ENTP, the rules of the universe are made to be broken. They like to find the loopholes and figure out how they can work the system to their advantage. This is not to say the Visionary is malicious: they simply find rules limiting, and believe there is probably a better, faster, or more interesting way to do things that hasn’t been thought of before.

    The ENTP is characteristically entrepreneurial and may be quick to share a new business idea or invention. They are confident and creative, and typically excited to discuss their many ingenious ideas. The ENTP’s enthusiasm for innovation is infectious, and they are often good at getting other people on board with their schemes. However, they are fundamentally “big-picture” people, and may be at a loss when it comes to recalling or describing details. They are typically more excited about exploring a concept than they are about making it reality, and can seem unreliable if they don’t follow through with their many ideas.

    Famous ENTPs

    Famous ENTPs include Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, Richard Feynman, Leonardo da Vinci, Niccolo Machiavelli, John Stuart Mill, Jon Stewart, “Weird Al” Yankovic, and Conan O’Brien

    ENTP is one of the rarer types in the population. ENTPs make up:

    3% of the general population

    4% of men

    2% of women

    Popular Hobbies for the ENTP

    Popular hobbies for the ENTP include continuing education, writing, art appreciation, playing sports, computers and video games, travel, and cultural events.

    Quotes About ENTP

    "ENTPs tend to be independent, analytical, and impersonal in their relations with people, and they are more apt to consider how others may affect their projects than how their projects may affect others."

    - Isabel Briggs Myers, Gifts Differing

    "ENTPs are the most reluctant of all the types to do things in a particular manner just because that is the way things have always been done."

    "Don't tell an ENTP that we can't fly a rocket to Mars, build a 200-story skyscraper, or communicate over two-way wrist radios. That will be an invitation for the ENTP to prove you wrong."

    - Otto Kroeger, Type Talk at Work

    Interesting facts about the ENTP:

    On personality trait scales, scored as Enterprising, Friendly, Resourceful, Headstrong, Self-Centered, and Independent

    Least likely of all types to suffer heart disease and hypertension

    Least likely of all types to report stress associated with family and health

    Scored among highest of all types in available resources for coping with stress

    Overrepresented among those with Type A behavior

    Among highest of all types on measures of creativity

    One of two types most frequent among violators of college alcohol policy

    Among types most dissatisfied with their work, despite being among the types with highest income

    Commonly found in careers in science, management, technology, and the arts

     

    I didn't use to think that his was of much value to me especially because I was always coming up with two different types.  This seemed vague and ambiguous and I discounted it for that reason.  Now....I feel I', both, which is why the scores would vacillate between the two. In other words....I'm somewhere on the fence and can be both....the extroverted version...and the introverted version depending on?  Depending on what is the only question that still remains?   I've taken these tests in an effort for job placement etc...  But as I now have come to understand in a very real way,  this has more to do with me and my personality....than anything other criteria you could use.   Saying....I have ADHD....and I'm an INFP / ENTP both.   Which came first....the chicken or the egg?

    As far as I'm concerned.  It really doesn't matter.  What matters most is this is my personality and who I am and this is very accurate way of describing me on paper.  Almost if not, exactly.

    If what they say about people with ADHD is true...."show me ONE person with ADHD.... I'll show you ONE person with ADHD."

    As I'm seeing it.....this might account for why that is?

    The question then becomes.  Who are you with and which which ONE fits their personality?  Once you know that...it might help you understand them better?  One size....does not fit all even with having ADHD.

    I put this under the communication section since.....knowing your audience is the first requirement to being heard and being understood yourself.  Do you know your audience amd the person you are with?  For that matter.....do you know yourself ?  Think about it.

    J

     

  • The Long Strange Trip....Final Destination by: kellyj 8 years 4 months ago

    "Two possibilities exist. Either we are alone in the universe or we are not, both are equally terrifying."  Arthur C. Clarke

    https://youtu.be/EMLPJqeW78Q Link:The Smallest to the Biggest thing in the Universe! (HD) how Big is the Universe

    Last night, my wife sits down and tells me she is doing her homework that our T assigned her after her recent visit alone with him a few days ago.  I've noticed a difference in my wife that has had an immediate positive effect on me.... but I didn't want to jump all over her the minute she walked in the door and told her.." I've love to here about what he said but for now, all I want to know is did you have a good talk with him.  I don't want to you to feel like we have to discuss this all right now but I am interested."(quote..unquote)

    When my wife said this, I felt it would be a good time to ask her what that assignment was and hear what he had to say.  Her response to me was " You didn't want to hear about it the other day when you asked me."  In a definitive statement about the exact highlighted sentence that I really did say. (quote...unquote)  No room for error or interpretation what so ever.  "No you didn't"  That's what I heard. (errrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! lol)

    This is Parr for the course for us in how she communicates with me.... in which I immediately replyed " I didn't say that but I'm not going to argue with you about it."  Boom. Dome deal.  I refuse to argue but she's not putting words into my mouth either.  I call her on this every single time and never let her get away with it.  She hates that!! lol  But I care if she hates it or not.  I didn't say that and she's not going to tell ME what I said.  (Fuck you) This is honestly how I feel about that, take it or leave it. I don't say the Fuck You part to her....but it is what I feel like saying every time she does that.  It's sooooooooo negative!!!! 

    For me, as it was directed.... directly at what I said to her which I remember exactly what I said. It's Catty.  It's snippy. It's demeaning. It's insulting. It's dismissive. It's offensive. I't boorish. It's fatalistic. It's sarcastic. It's childish. And it's just plain rude. She just took a big shit...right on top of my interest in her and my interest in what my T had to say all in one statement.  No matter what was up her butt in the moment....and no matter what I might have done in the past to warrant such a statement.  Right then...in that moment in the present time....I hadn't done anything but show interest in her and nothing else.  But I know better than to argue with the mind of a child because that's that half of brain that is saying those things.  Not the adult half...but the child who is responding to (my personal judgment)...a piece of shit mother who was more interested in going to the bar because she was an alcoholic...which means that alcohol is WAY more important than her own children. 

    And then to find her next co-dependent Alcoholic bar fly husband to join her at the bar and pull up a stool....to hear her go on about how horrible her life has been and how everyone is always dumping on me and making my life soooo hard.  How "I've always gotten the short end of the stick."  How "all my past Husbands were abusive, womanizing, woman haters and beat her and cheated on her and how she has to drink to get over the damage they've caused her."  Which I can just picture the guy sitting next to her either going: " Jesus...sorry I asked."  Or....."That sounds awful Honey.  You poor dear...here, let me buy you another drink." (and maybe come home you later and get laid heh, heh, heh )   ( sucker! )

    Frankly.....I wouldn't F*&%K her, with someone else's "dick" buddy...even your's.  She's a walking night mare....no sex is worth that!!! OMG!! 

    But did he listen?  No...the two of them came home to my wife and little brother. In which in her sparkling example of  mothering and setting an example.. dumped all over the two of them for not doing what ever it was that they didn't do which was nothing since she wasn't there to tell them (their little kids right?) So in a few minutes of her precious time she had to give...she looks around and see's everything they didn't do and if she couldn't find something...she make it up so there was always something she could complain about and make it someone else fault. All done...with that same venom and negativity and crying in her beer victim mentality attitude to go along with it.

    Afterwards.... as she says to the guy she just brought home as they are walking toward the bedroom.."Kids....they're such a pain!  C'mon baby...let's go where we can be left alone. " In plain ear shot of her children of course.  She could care less who heard her or how that affected her children.  She had every right to say that since....everyone's always out to get poor old me and I have a right to let everyone know that!!!  I've been given the short end of the stick I'm telling you!!!"  Right.

    So when I hear this piece of shit talking through my wife and trying to get me to buy into that sob story.  I'm not buying it for a second....but the last thing I'm going to do is argue with her about that as she's sitting there on that bar stool.  I also don't need to be compassionate or empathetic to it since......I'm the one who has to live with her..... living inside my wife's head pulling those strings....and  she was never welcome in my house in the first place.  Not in your lifetime sister!

    And my response to my wife...is the same as it would have been for her mother...."Jesus...sorry I asked."....with the addition since I live with my wife and can't walk out of the bar to get away from this abusive childish mother who's still in there pulling on my wife's strings. "Don't put words into my mouth, I didn't say that."   And then I walk away or ignore her or both since....I'm not going there with her.

    It doesn't take away from the dumped on feeling when I was actually showing interest in my wife and her therapy session....but at least...she will have some consequence to pay each time she does that with me.  And the conversation is over until she can learn to do this better. "If you're going to play.... you gotta pay the man."

    But low and behold....last night....something happened!! lol

    Right after I said what I said....my wife stopped and in a moment, came to me and said.."that was negative....you didn't say that.  You said you wanted to hear what I had to say but not just right then.  I remember"

    In which I added.."For you remember....I was thinking about you and only saying that in case you didn't want to talk about it right then.  Of course I'm interested...I've been anxious to hear about it...but I was just giving you some time and space and didn't want to jump all over you the second you walked in the door."

    And then my wife told me what her assignment was given to her by my T.  "No matter what you say....make sure it's not negative."  That's it.  That's her home work assignment. He didn't give her any more instructions than that but look at what came out of my wife from just doing that simple thing.

      It's like a miracle I'm telling you!!! lol

    My T is a genius.  What more can I say?

    This was what was different about my wife.  If she cannot say what's negative....she cannot speak from that place in her.

    I also learned something else from our conversation that is really interesting and most telling to me especially.

    She told me when she was in his office.  She told him straight up.."this going inward thing that you talk about with all that psychological abstract stuff just doesn't work with me.  I'm a black and white thinker and I need straight forward tools to use that I can follow along with with and just do them.  I need you to give me a simple assignment like this and then just do it that way instead."

    And she said this....... instead of what he had originally told her to do as her assignment.  Which was " to stop all those negative thoughts and thinking."

    This is where she and I are so much different.  On the briggs meyer personality test scale.  I'm an INFP...Intuitve...Feeling...Perciever. Also know as a Healer.  Which accounts for only 4% of the population.  Yet...I'n an extrovert as well.  This is an odd thing to me?  The extrovert....really doesn't fit and I'm wondering know if that is not an accurate description of who I really am?  I think in all honesty....I learned to become an extrovert as a means to survive.  But in my true "Nature" not "Nuture"....I am an introvert as this personality test shows.  Can you be both and still have this personality and be true to who you are?  I'm still thinking on that one?  Thinking the answer is yes...since both nurture and nature are both comprised as being who you are today.

    This is why I'm an odd one.  What you see on the outside....is not necessarily what you see on the inside and that is also part of what being and INFP is.  Reserved....as it says. But yet...not reserved.

    But that Chameleon...who can easily be the extrovert in a heart beat which is also who I am....needs to find a back seat to my true inner self at times....when faced with that situation where I need to access my feelings and use the intuition I've got. But that part that I learned to be...is also part of who I am.  I don't need to change that for all good reasons.  The only part I think I need to change in all of this....is the ability to understand those who are not like me better.  This is not a skill that I have had a chance to developed all things considered.  This is the repressed part of me that still needs to find it's way to the surface more but part of what stands in my way is the way I communicate which is all extrovert and very little introvert.  It's just a habit...as my T has told me repeatedly.  The problem with that habit in respect to my wife....is she cannot see anything outside of what she see's.  She is not like me in that respect but I give her a huge benefit of the doubt since I'm not like the majority of people out there including those with ADHD.  I'm the odd one as my mother even said to me.  The most important part in this however....is it doesn't feel odd to me to be this way.  This is who I am and I know that part for sure.  I'm not a pleaser, a rescuer, or knight in shining armor.  And I'm not your stereotypical guy off the street by any means.  What I am is who I am.  And that part includes being an INFP and an extrovert with a potty mouth all at the same time.  The potty mouth I can turn on and off....but it is how I express myself and make a distinction with intention...between saying something one way....or saying it another way....and wanting the impact.  I want the impact that those words carry with them...or I wouldn't use them in the first place.  That is not from habit. I am highly aware of the words I use and the reasons why I use them.   Especially when I'm angry or expressing a strong opinion or feeling.  Words are just words....words cannot hurt you unless you allow them too.  Having banned "words" or "censored words" because they have some sexual or religious connotation to them.....seems absolutely ridiculous to me?  What are we...children?  Stick and stones man...WTF? lol

    It took me forever to learn what "Bloody" this or  "Bloody" that was....used commonly in Britain.  Not until I heard it used in a sentence....."bloody sacrament"...did I understand the meaning.  Okay...even then.  What's big deal with saying that the "sacrament" is "bloody".  Isn't that what the sacrament is after all....supposedly......the symbolic blood of Christ?  When in reality...it's really Mogen David extra heavy Malaga wine or something awful along that order?  Who are you trying to fool here?  Ah...but it's symbolic...that's the point?  So does that mean if I drink Mogan David extra heavy Malaga wine at home it's some kind of  sacrilege since I'm drinking Christ's blood in vane?  Give me a break!!  That's utterly absurd!  I don't want to live symbolically....I want to live for real and be a real person....not a symbolic representation or extension of one?  And for that matter.....I want a real marriage....not a symbolic representation or extension of one there either?

    "In this latter sense, human intimacy is a sacrament, a very special kind of symbol. For our purpose here today, a sacrament could be any one of a number of gestures or acts or ordinances that unite us with God and his limitless powers. We are imperfect and mortal; he is perfect and immortal. But from time to time--indeed, as often as is possible and appropriate--we find ways and go to places and create circumstances where we can unite symbolically with him, and in so doing gain access to his power. Those special moments of union with God are sacramental moments--such as kneeling at a marriage altar, or blessing a newborn baby, or partaking of the emblems of the Lord's supper. This latter ordinance is the one we in the Church have come to associate most traditionally with the word sacrament, though it is technically only one of many such moments when we formally take the hand of God and feel his divine power." Jeffrey R. Holland was president of Brigham Young University when this devotional address was delivered on 12 January 1988 in the Marriott Center.

    Really?  You could have fooled me?  I felt God the day I had my experience on LSD and he didn't just take my hand in one of those symbolic moments.... he filled me to overflow inside and has never left ever since.  It's not symbolic....I feel it every day.  That was the real deal from my perspective and I didn't need to go to Church and follow any book to get there. This is extremely saddening to me.  To think...we only can have moments of symbolic feelings of God and the universe...and only when we follow these rules to get so very little out of life.  I feel sorry for old Jeffrey...but who am I to judge.

    Actually....I don't judge.  As an INFP....I just feel sorry for what he's missing out of life.  Living...symbolically...with emblems we wear to show how we know God and the universe..... as he said it  "Those special moments of union with God are sacramental moments--such as kneeling at a marriage altar, or blessing a newborn baby, or partaking of the emblems of the Lord's supper. This latter ordinance is the one we in the Church have come to associate most traditionally with the word sacrament, though it is technically only one of many such moments when we formally take the hand of God and feel his divine power."  I'd have to ask Jeffrey....what about the rest of the time?  What about everyday when your at home with your spouse?  Sounds like lip service to me all things considered?  I might advise Jeffrey...instead of LDS....maybe you should consider some LSD and see what you think?  I'm thinking...he might not respond well to that?

    And here in lies MY personal problem.  If I'm kind of homogenous in some regards....it makes it difficult to always know where everyone else's boundary lines are since....my boundaries are pretty big and wide and extend in a pretty big circle.  Since I don't believe what Jeffrey believes....I have to be the one to figure out where all those lines are to make sure I'm not stepping on any.  But at the same time while playing hop scotch and dancing all over the place looking for these invisible lines everywhere....unless I know a person well enough to establish that....I'm looking for lines more than I am being who I am and pretending to be what I'm not in service of all those lines and fences that if I had it my way.....would all be pulled down and erased with no lines at all?

    But as I have come to fully understand now.  I'm the odd man out.  Not everyone else.  It is my responsibility to nearly everyone else ( me being the 1% or 2% out of 100%) to figure this out so I don't offend anyone and still be true to who I am at the same time.  I can tell you without question.....this is a burden and a task that is not that easy to do.  It's a lot to ask of an INFP extrovert...I'm telling you! lol

    And what I really think here....is that extrovert part is really the hyperactive ADHD part in me that drives me to extroversion.  And using my what I learned from my T....is the part that I need to change my relationship with.  It's also part of me too.  The ADHD will always be there until the day I die.  It is part of who I am as well.  Adderall...is not going to do anything about that part of my personality which I'm thankful for.  I don't want to be a different person.  Just a person that is a little more palatable for the main stream of society.  Fighting city hall has already been proven to be a foolish fight to make on my part.

    I went on a different sight for a while with only people with ADHD.  When I was there....there was a poll be taken which asked if there were any INFP /extroverts out there since it seems like a very weird mix even for those with ADHD.  Sure enough...at that time.  I was the only one who said yes.  Even within the ADHD community....I'm still the odd man out! lol  I'm a weirdo....what can I say?

    But I can move from one to the other seamlessly and flawlessly and not be ambivalent about myself and who I am.  I am both not just one or the other.  This does make me somewhat of a Chamleon by predisposition I think since it's never been not easy for me to do this or something I've had to try very hard to do.....even as a kid.  I can fit myself easily in to many situations....but within each...there are those, who sense that I am an interloper into their sacred territory and not just in a religious sense either..... since I don't fit the symbolic profile they're looking for and appear like I don't belong there.

    I'm a jock...and I'm an Artist.  Those two worlds don't mix at all. Very different personalities and very, very different ideologies.  And yet... I mix easily between those two worlds with those few exceptions in each world that make my life difficult.

    I have business experience and a business education....and I'm an Artist.  I was accepted into a brand new masters program that only accepted 12 people out of hundreds who applied from around the world and was one of the first ones to be picked to enter only the 2nd year of the program. Stating on the acceptance letter..." a stand out portfolio".  But  I couldn't  attend for various reasons namely....financial even with the scholarship they offered me which was pretty generous (1/3 off the tuition)    Yet...in my time there since I was going through the entry process...I still felt like a fish out of water in the group of students attending.  I still stood out in a weird way in comparison.

    I'm really into the environment and conservation.....but I Love nothing more than Gas guzzling high performance cars that get 6 miles to the gallon and scream with obnoxiousness.  I'm part mechanic, part Artist and part Designer, and part Architect and part Structural Engineer.  And yet....I've been a Triathlete, and a serious competitive Swimmer where I made my mark there as well.  In my first Triathelon...I was 11th out of the water along side the professionals who do that for a living. I ended up around 850th since I'm such a piss poor runner.  Talk about demoralizing....watching 844 people pass you from that kind of start! LOL  But I enjoyed doing it and did them for a few years any way....just for fun.

    I Love Sailing...and I Love Motor boats.  Take your pick....I'm not picky.  I'll eat most anything.  I sleep anywhere....inside or outside....it doesn't matter. I enjoy a little of everything but not to much of anything.  I've never been truly addicted to anything since once I get to a point....I need something new.  That is....except a partner.  I never would have left any of my previous serious relationship ie" marriages....unless the person I was married too made that decision.  In part....that was from my insecure attachment but...not the part of me that is committed.  Once I commit.  I commit all the way.  Commitment...has never been a problem for me.

    It's seems....I am a Universal creature in may ways and can get along with anyone. And yet....I'm still not accepted by some in each and every category.  As it seems...the better I perform in each one....the more of those who don't think I symbolically belong that come out of the wood work just to Fuck with me.  That's not being a victim....that's actually the truth that I wish was not that way.  The only competition I'm aware of....is when someone is next to me and wanting to race me to the finish line.  I'll do that any day whether I win or not just for the fun of it.

    The saddest thing for me in all of this comes.....when someone wants me to be just one of those things and needs to plug me into one hole and stay their.  In my marriages and personal relationships....this has always been the case.  At the time.....I didn't''t understand where I stood in comparing myself to everyone else.  I've always just thought I was just like everyone else and only wanted to be included.  I've never thought of myself as special or with any special talents or gifts aside from the obvious in Art.  That's the one that really stood out as a child that was hard not to notice.  But I didn't really care if anyone noticed it or not.  I just did it...because I liked it and it was fun to do.  I was compelled you might say.  No one had to twist my arm and I wasn't doing it to get anything more from it than just to have fun and enjoy myself.  Art in itself....is not a competition although....the few I've run into problems with....seemed to think it is?  I think for them...it has a symbolic meaning to them and they need that badge or emblem to wear and are checking to see who else they have to beat to get there.

    For me....you can't get there from here.  I don't want to live symbolically.....I want the real deal or nothing at all.  That appears to be a personal problem of mine?  This Healer I'm supposed to be however....has eluded me?  Maybe I need to follow the book on that one and see where it takes me?  It couldn't hurt.  What do you think?

    J

  • Im A non adhd husband coping poorly with my adhd wife by: JustTry 8 years 4 months ago

    Where to begin?

    I love my wife. 

    We have been married for 12 years and I feel like most of that time I have been trying to solve problems or complete tasks for her. It is never ending. In the early years I chalked this up to a picky wife with high standards or maybe just a woman's preference thing. None of this changed the way I felt about her.  I could write a book with all of the incomplete gigantic problems/projects/tasks I have tackled in the hopes that she would be satisfied. You see, she was only diagnosed recently.

    So now we have big problems. Arguments over her perpetual indecision get heated. Now she claims that I am mistreating her when I get angry about her making us late to EVERYTHING, or asking my opinion on something only to argue that very opinion. I have simply lost my patience. She takes absolutely zero responsibility for the effects this disorder is having on our marriage . No matter what the issue may be, she manipulates the conversation to make the problem my fault. The latest argument she said I (me) would be happier without her.   RED FLAG.

    We have three children that would all be devastated if we divorced. The oldest has already been diagnosed with adhd at 8. I cried today thinking about what a divorce would do to my little girl. It is not an option. I tried to talk to my wife about it in those terms. Now she is convinced I am only staying married to her for the children! That coupled with her never admitting fault, or admitting she is wrong is enfuriating and devastating all at the same time.

    I have immersed myself in everything I can find via the Internet about coping with this situation. Unfortunately the summary of what I have found is she can't help it, so don't take it personally. WHAT!? 

    Am I doomed?

  • Symptoms and examples/ request for advice by: Ellie123 8 years 5 months ago

    Hello, We've been married for 40 years and it's been hell relieved by me making my own happy times. I have three children with him.

    On the plus side he works hard and has always supported the family and home.

    On the negative side he panics in ordinary but new situations, like a self service checkout, makes rash decisions and causes chaos which he blames on the machine, same when traveling.

    He has no outside interests so constantly roams around the house moving stuff and causing more work. Can never find anything, doesn't put stuff away or even close doors. Sequencing is not his strong point - I once fell and broke my leg and had to mange the situation in small chunks till the ambulance arrived. Headless chicken springs to mind.

    Six months into the marriage I thought he just hated me as he stopped any affection and pushed me away emotionally, not that we were emotionally close from the start. I thought from his (with hind site) controlling behavior and anger that I wasn't a good enough wife so tried harder, working till 3am putting right things he shouted about, while he slept. The children were special requests as I wanted a family and felt I could manage given that I had a nice home and he had a job. I loved having them but it was a struggle, managing him and them. He took nothing to do with the day to day jobs and I had to tell him to cuddle them.

    while the children were young I worked when he was home or I organised a baby sitter. When they were older I left him three times, each time going back because he showed signs of being nicer to me - still no physical or emotional closeness. Following the final return to the marital home, I worked away from home for 10 years.

    Im over 60 now and had to take early retirement due to illness. He should retire next year if he can tear himself away from work. 

    How do I manage the rest of my days with him. He still tries to control my life, he still gets angry (a lot - but of course that's my fault), he takes over many things but makes a point about it - could I be tidier, downsize, be more organised. I have my friends and we have a few couples whom we see but I no longer cater for them at home as he used to shout and complain prior to their arrival. He never thinks the house is clean enough, tidy enough but his room is a disgusting tip. I keep the house clean and as organised as I can in the face of his lack of organisation.

    People say how nice he is but he lies about even trivial things. He will even tell a lie quoting untrue technical data to avoid a discussion about a new project in or around the house. 

    If I could pin down the problem, I might be able to find a way of communicating with him for the better.

    hope someone has some ideas.

     

  • Anger, Frustration and ADHD in relationships by: I'm So Exhausted 8 years 5 months ago

    I have been just thinking about relationships a lot over the past several year.  

    My own parents have been married since 1957.  She was 21 and he was 25 when they married.  My Dad was an active alcoholic till 1991.  Alcoholism was the atmosphere in which I lived till I was 20 and moved into my own apartment.  (I believe he is ADHD -  will never know, he is 84)

    My husband's parents, who are both deceased, were married in 1954 (?). She was 27 and he was 40 when they married. Their marriage basically died after their 7th child was born in their 10th year of marriage.  They stayed together because of (they stated) their Catholic beliefs.  That was the atmosphere my spouse lived till we married in 1984.  (He did live out west in Arizona for a few years with his Aunt's family, before I met him.)  (I suspected my spouse was ADHD since our son was diagnosed in 4th grade.  My spouse was diagnosed at the Cleveland clinic in, I believe, 2009.)

    I married in 1984 when I was 25 and my spouse was 27.  I spent a lot of time, years actually, trying to figure out why I couldn't get it right.    

    My daughter - who is now 24, and my son, - who is now 27, both were in a committed relationship with their significant others since 2009.  My daughter and my son's girlfriend were in the same class in high school.

    In January 2013, my daughter got engaged.  (We highly suspect he was ADHD - she really liked a lot of who he was because he was 'just like her Dad.")

    My son's girlfriend always said she did not want to get married till she was 30.  When my daughter asked her to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, she was hesitant - what if my son decided to break up with her - - -how awkward would that be?  She was in the wedding.  He did not break up with her.

    In Fall of 2013, my daughter got married.  In January 2015, I was 100% shocked when she said she was done.  She wanted a divorce.  And they did. 

    My son and his girlfriend dated through her 4 years of college.  And her 2 years of graduate school.  

    A few days ago, my son told me he and his girlfriend were "still together"  but she feels she is missing something since they had dated since she got out of high school, so she needs some time and space to gather her thoughts and feelings.  He said he is sad, but alright with it all.  They have a mutual agreement, and he wants to do whatever she needs to be happy.

    I am just trying to sit and take it all in. . . . . . . .my head is spinning.  

    Diagnosed ADHD.  Suspected ADHD.  Relationships going in with eyes wide open - my son and his significant other. Relationships with undiagnosed ADHD.  

    Life is just tough sometimes - - -all the way around.  I feel as though I am just not aware enough of what is going on around me.  How to just let it all be is hard for me.

    In a contemplative mood,

    Liz

     

     

      

  • My husband accuses my of lying! by: Monkey7676 8 years 5 months ago

    Today my husband and I got in a huge fight! I unloaded the dishwasher, and he asked me when I ran the dishwasher. I have no idea when I ran it!!!! He accused me of "playing dumb" and then he proceeded to throw out tons of clean dishes into the sink. He wanted me to tell the truth, but my truth is that I have no memory of running he dishwasher. He keeps saying, "we both know that you know when you ran the dishwasher." I'm not going to tolerate these lies. He says that I like to lie for fun, and I can't be trusted. I try really hard to tell the truth. The only time I haven't told they truth was when I was scared of his temper. It was never over anything important so he doesn't have a reason to not trust me. Now I have a sink full of clean dishes. Now he wants me to wash them by hand or not come in the room with him and my 3 year old son. He has ADD, but he doesn't take medicine. He is a stay at home dad, but he has never had a job except for 5 months out of 9 years of marriage! He makes me feel awful about myself and calls me names like dummy and stupid in front of my son. When I ask him to stop, he says "if your acting stupid, you get called stupid." He's even gotten my son to say, "Mommy's a dummy." I am a teacher that works everyday. He doesn't clean the house at all, but he complains how dirty it is. Does anyone else have a similar situation?

  • Anger and Emotional Intelligence by: kellyj 8 years 5 months ago

    This is a vent. It's not here to teach anyone anything or to be informative. I'm not writing this to help anyone other than for those to hear my thoughts and why I am angry. I'm going to speak the only way I know how....and that is from the heart. In those terms....I'm not going to explain myself to anyone or apologize for the way I feel. I'm going to use terms I'm familiar with to speak how I feel about this seemingly never ending and all the unresolved issues that spring from it..... that I cannot say to my wife without upsetting her or making her angry and hostile towards me.  This inability she has is not from a lack or something....but more from an unwillingness and a choice.

    And honestly....I do know what makes me angry and "What" is making me so angry in the first place. I know why. But for anyone reading this, you'll just have to get the parts that you don't understand in context and figure those parts out for yourself.  The same as I do.  I won't explain myself to you.  These are only "MY" emotions talking. And with my emotions.....come my judgments, my assumptions, my accusations and my condemnations and the conclusions that go with it.

    There is no "WE" here. I'm not picking sides or speaking to one group, gender or another. I'm speaking from the direct frustrations I'm feeling in relationship to just one person, my wife and no one else. She's the only person I know well enough, to make these statements about since I don't know anyone else here or whomever might be reading this well enough to make any judgments or conclusions about them in the same way. I'm am completely without the knowledge and ability to do that with anyone other than my wife. The person I live with, deal with and have these problems with and no one else. In my heart of hearts.. I am no different than anyone else, when it comes to how I feel...and my emotions that follow. These are my feelings and emotions...and they do not extend to anyone else beyond ME.

    These feelings and emotions that I am expressing....are directed solely at ONE person. It's just a vent of anger. It doesn't belong in the "slug box" because when I'm angry....I don't want to "Slug" anyone. It's just a vent. Probably the first real "vent" that I have made here on the forum. And in my mind....and vent means anger exclusively since anger is my only reason to vent in the first place. All my other emotions....I can process and deal by myself...for myself. It's what venting is as I know it and anger is the only reason to vent in the first place.  That is...to help get rid of it. 

    The anger I am feeling right now....is a result of the frustration I feel. It's the same feeling I have anytime I feel like I'm fighting someone who I see as ignorant, mentally lazy, weak minded and has no motivation what so ever in putting forth the effort learn, grow and advance as a human being and can only see as far as the eye can see because of this lack of effort and a refusal to be uncomfortable...which narrows this right down to stupidity.

     Stupidity goes hand in hand with a refusal and a choice....not to "think" for herself, figure things out for herself, and find answers for herself. She's a smart woman and can do this. I've seen her do it countless times. Being born smart or with a high IQ is not the same as being stupid. You can be both. Stupidity and ignorance is a choice. Everyone starts out being ignorant and without knowledge. Staying that way is stupid .Anything she might says otherwise is pure Bullshit.

    I'm the one with ADHD. I'm the one who has executive function challenges. I have emotional abuse in my childhood (as well) and I can think for myself and find my own answers to things....on my own. If I can do it. She can. Stupidity is a choice made from laziness and and unwillingness to be uncomfortable and from wanting or expecting someone else to do this for you. As far as I'm concerned....there is no excuse for stupidity and "Stupid People SUCK". Taken right from the bumper sticker. IMHO!!

    I'm angry because my wife seems to be devoid emotional unintelligent. She is quite intelligent as far as IQ goes, but she is a creature of the moment. She is ruled by her emotions and cannot "think" her way out of anything. She appears to only be able to use one side of her brain at all times. The side where emotionalism comes from. The side where your heart lives. The side where creativity comes from. I'm an Artist...I know this side of my brain very well. It was a gift I was born with...and I'm also a Man.

    She lacks common sense. The ability to problem solve and she cannot seem to "figure it out"..... without someone else to help her make a simple decision concerning anything. She seems consistently in a state of confusion and not knowing what to do....about anything. She tries to use her emotions to make decisions, to use for good judgment, to determine how she feels or thinks about anything on a cognitive level regarding making decisions that govern her life. Her emotions have control of her and she cannot see the forest from the trees seemingly ever...with no ability to use reason or critical thinking in terms of the other side of her brain. That side....is one needed to functionally do all those things and with her....it appears to sit a perpetual state of dormancy and atrophy from lack of use and for no other reason.  That's her fault and her responsibility and no one else can be blamed for this travesty of life.

    The reason I say this is because she has proven to me that she can learn. She's just mentally lazy with no motivation to be any different. Why should she?  She has me to use to do that for her? She has this Fucked Up idea that men are suppose to do this for women and women don't need to learn these things.  This belief that men and woman are completely different in their ability to think and feel emotions is just wrong and the facts of evidence support this with mountains of research in this study.

    Men and woman are different is some ways for sure. Even recent studies have proven that our brains are subtly different. There has been no proven research however....that has shown that men and women IQ levels are significantly different. None. Which means.....everyone has the ability to learn and think and there is no excuse to be made between the two genders.

    Critical Thinking as defined: Critical thinking provides the crucial link between intelligence and emotions in the "emotionally intelligent" person. Critical thinking is the only plausible vehicle by means of which we could bring intelligence to bear upon our emotional life. It is critical thinking, and critical thinking alone, which enables us to take an active command of not only our thoughts, but our feelings, emotions, and desires as well. It is critical thinking which provides us with the mental tools needed to explicitly understand how reasoning works, and how those tools can be used to take command of what we think, feel, desire, and do.

    No one is born this ability. No one is born emotionally intelligent from anything that I know or have learned myself in this area. It is a learned skill that requires effort to learn. Unless you have some kind of mental disorder involved... anyone can learn to be emotionally intelligent. The ability and capacity is there in all of us....the only thing stopping anyone is a lack of motivation and an unwillingness to feel discomfort and just being lazy and looking for the easy way out.  The big score so you won't need to and just avoiding acquiring this skill because it's "HARD".  Fucking A it's "HARD".  Tell me about it? 

    Not doing something because it's "HARD"....is the definition of stupidity in my mind.  How can I say such a thing?  I have a mental disorder....and I am an emotionally intelligent person. I didn't start out that way....but I learned how to be that way through a great deal of effort, not being lazy, and a great deal of discomfort to get there. And the reason I did this despite all my challenges, what ever IQ level I have (unknown?) and the abilities God gave me along with the ones he didn't......is because I'm not stupid. That's the one and only reason.

    Between lack of IQ, lack of talent, lack of ability and the handicaps that mental disorders like having ADHD presents me. Given the choice of having all those things and not having ADHD......I'd pick the ability to be emotionally intelligence and the ability to think critically....over all of them hands down in a heart beat. Because I'm not Stupid....and those are my feelings as to why that is. If given the choice of being a Genius level IQ or being Emotionally Intelligent.....there is only one choice to make here.  A genius...can be stupid.....and someone who is emotionally intelligent but of a lower IQ almost by definition is a whole lot smarter than a genius level IQ.

    Stupid..... is a choice: from not wanting too putting in the effort to get there and the discomfort as the price you pay..... and just being mentally lazy and looking for someone to do this for you all your life as far as I'm concerned.  There's no excuse for that.  Adversity...is no excuse for being stupid.  If you don't think I see these things in myself, or see myself as better than, or don't think I have my own areas of stupidity....think again. The only difference I see between my self and my wife, is she refuses to see them and that's what in my mind is the biggest tragedy of all and the reason why I think she's stupid many times and why I do not trust her ability for good judgment and in general....and lack of all common sense what so ever as a result of it.  That's what stupid does to you IMHO

    Thank you for allowing to say what I really feel and think. It's just a vent of my unwanted emotions.  I hear this kind of thing verbalized to me all the time without reservation on my wife part.  She vents her own version of this to me while I'm sitting in the same room with her and cannot figure out what's wrong with doing that?  That's because she's stupid and I'm not. I'm doing it here instead...for all the reasons I just said.  I appreciate a place that I can go and do this.  It's just a vent of anger.....I know what what I'm feeling, what my emotions are, why I have them, what they are connected to and know the difference between my emotions and my feelings and can differentiate them mostly.....right there in the moment.  That doesn't mean I always control them... but that's a completely separate thing and a different story.

      I know what I feel, I know which emotions are which...and I can identify and differentiate between them and use both sides of my brain in order to do this which gives me the ability to process my emotions by myself. There is no confusion in mind about these things.  I am an emotionally intelligent person and I have the earned and learned ability to think "critically".... no matter what my wife thinks.  Actually....she doesn't "Think"....she uses her emotions to do that for her.

    My wife is an honest, sincere and completely trust worthy person...until she her emotions start taking over her thinking process.  I trust my wife implicitly.  What I don't trust is her thought process, her conclusions that she makes and the way she arrives at those conclusions. I see and hear these conclusions and see how she got there daily.  And it verifies and confirms exactly what I just said from the very conclusions and the decisions that come from them which clearly say to me....that something is clearly missing. That is the only thing about my wife....that I do not trust...without reservation. And because of this thing missing....is why she gets angry at me more often than any other reason I can clearly see.  It's why I'm angry about it.  She thinks it's me who's missing something here.  The only thing missing....is her ability to see herself and know what she is feeling and what her emotions are and which one is which.  You need the other side of your brain for that one and she refuses to use it and keeps trying to use my ability to fill in for what she is missing and gets angry when I don't.  This makes me angry!!!  That isn't my "JOB" even if she refuses to think it isn't.

    J

  • New guy with ADHD, possible trust issues, how to reach out by: Blue Hydrangea 8 years 5 months ago

    This will be really detailed story, but I think all of it is relevant.

    I need help, cause I've never been so confused about a guy and what to do... :( 

    So... New guy. First two weeks head over heels for me, makes future plans (lets move in, babies, road trips, (ok jokes but still too soon)) In that time he forgets two times our plans which He made. Needless to say, still calls everyday, texts, emojis, plans. At that time I'm still not aware of ADHD nor that he had it (it was still naughty boy disease to me, you know how most ppl see it) So I told him it bothered me but forgave him (That's when the guilt started maybe) 
    So after 2 intense weeks we kinda slept, and then he goes out of town for a weekend - 4 days no contact, no reply to my message even when he came back. After every day in contact, now 4 days Nc. So... I lost my shit (worst case scenario - he doesn't want me anymore // apparently I'm a girl type low energy adhd, before that I thought I'm bipolar, but since I do readings...well that's why we felt connection I guess)
    I called him, almost midnight, woke him up, says He "didn't see mssg, call me back in 10min" and shuts down his phone when I did. I flipped and wrote him huge, worst mssg ever (my bad, my bad). Only 15h after he read it, he blocks me on Whapp, then I apologize on Fb with even bigger mssg. "I knew I messed it for good, no guy wants drama queen, okay, you don't have to say anything..etc etc."
    But he says I'll call you tomorrow. Doesn't call for 10 days. On 10th day I found my study papers on Pedagogy (i have exam in 10 days, should've had it year ago, damn;)), with adhd part, which did cross my mind earlier because he's touching everything, bites (me for most, to "mark his territory") ...and that's when it all made perfect sense - even his electric blue eyes. Plus snowboarding (adrenaline sports), drug abuse, all kind of addictions, hyperfocusing... And that's when I just asked him to grab a beer with me (it was 2am, didn't know actually why, as he obviously didn't want me anymore, but I'm not used to things end so abruptly in radio silence. I wanted that closure beer I guess...)
    So he says Okay, we met, and got sooo honest. I told him about my sort of depression (I asked him Do you listen to Hendrix? -Yes - Well you know his song Manic depression..? Haha // at that time I still didnt know I was adhd too, and now I understand all, cause I was never so Sad, just "hard to entertain" and therefore sad)
    He asked me (this I see important somehow) would I reach out even if I hadn't been reading on adhd (My God he was the one who said he'll call and haven't). 
    He got honest about his past. He said 2 weeks before we met he broke engages with his gf who prior to that lost a baby in 5th month:( And in previous relationship gf who lived w/ him cheated, so he is really sooo afraid of attachment. But want us to go slow, building this etc. and apologizes for coming on so strong. So instead of a goodbye beer, for which he "had an hour" at first, he didn't seem to be over, after the conversation he was "in" again (seemed he's never been out), and literally cleaned his whole day schedule to spend it with me. His eyes got electric again. After 8 hrs we were drunk in his friends bar having fun, and, althought he told me we can build it even without sex at first, he wanted me to go to an appartment with him (his mother wouldn't be happy if he brought me home after recent events // and speaking of his mother, he was telling Her of Me on the phone that night) I didn't want to go, I was tired, and had to go home as my mother was worried, my phone was off. When we were waiting for a cab, he asked me why do I even want him, that he's average and not even so handsome. (He is almost shorter than me, petite, has crappy job at the moment etc. (all of which I dont care for), and I'm like a jackpot for him (to be honest just for perspective of the situation, it's how the world sees me, I don't) 
    So after that night it was three weeks, nobody contacted nobody... He said he's changing the roof with his dad (he said it 3 times), but still c'mon... 

    Yesterday I contacted him to see me, as I had some thing to do in his neighbourhood, he said Okay, but in a cold way, and we sceduled time, but I was done earlier with my appointment, so he told me "Let's meet tomorrow so I don't fuck up again!" (He was gonna be late) At first I thought it's cute that he's honest and knows he's fucked up lots of times, but then I saw word "tomorrow" and it made me sick, as for him tomorrow means never... :(

    Additional info: In two weeks I'm going to an island to work during the summer, it's an Ibiza-like island, and he always makes a face when I talk about it... Maybe it's part of the problem, I don't know...


    I'm SO sorry for such a long and detailed story but I need help cause I'm so clueless about how to deal with it, but don't wanna just leave it, I wanna know what's going on. As I'm quite sure he won't contact me, am I losing too much dignity if I text him again today... I'm really not used to going after a guy, cause I always thought it's black and white, he either wants me or not, but now that I read all those stories here on the forum...

    and THANK YOU for reading and for any help or insight...

Pages