im not married, but my partner and I have been together for just over 3 years. I am 20 and he is 22. We have been living together for a year and we are expecting our first child in October. He was diagnosed with ADHD very early in life and was on medication for it until high school, but is no longer on it. I'm struggling to find a way to deal with and put an end to his pattern of lying. He has never cheated on me (that I know or) but he will lie about EVERYTHING, even if there is no reason to lie. Sometimes it's flat out lying to my face, other times it's lying by omission. The current issue in dealing with is him lying about what he does when he hangs out with his friends. I can sometimes be controlling because I struggle with anxiety as well as a host of other mental health issues, but I very rarely ask him not to hang out with someone, or go do something he wants to do. I hope that after we have the child he will stop spending the night at his best friends house but I don't have a problem with him doing it now. However, 

He knows that I don't want him smoking weed. It's just something that I need out of my partner, and I don't really know why, I just don't want it in my life. Granted, I don't care if other people do it, I'm not one to judge, I used to smoke it myself, but I experienced severe psychosis when smoking it and haven't done it since. He does not use it for medical purposes (he's told me himself it makes him feel slow and dumb) yet I found out yesterday that he has been smoking it when I'm not around. I don't really think it is the fact that he was smoking that bothers me the most, I don't like it, but it isn't what gets me upset. Him hiding it from me and lying about it to me when we would talk about what he does with his friends makes me upset. He refuses to have his friend over at our place ever. He hangs out with his friend more than he hangs out with me so I've asked him several times if they could hang out here more and he says no. Now I know why. He told me that his best friend and him have only smoked it a few times together. He also promised that he wouldn't smoke it anymore because he respects my wishes. Yes, my trust in him is lacking so tonight after he fell asleep I looked at his texts messages and his friend was making me out to be the bad guy because I asked him to spend some of the day with me instead of spending it all with him (I said he could go over there after dinner, not like I said they couldn't hang out). His friend asked him if they were still going to get stoned and my boyfriend said not this time. When I read that I got sick to my stomach. He basically told his friend that they can't do it this time but whenever he can get home before me and shower or spend the night at his friends they can do it because I won't find out. He doesn't respond my needs and wishes. We have had several conversations about what I need from him in our relationship but he never does anything differently. He avoids any important conversation. I am going to confront him tomorrow when he gets home from work and we are going to have a very serious conversation. 

I think part of the reason it makes me so upset that he doesn't show me the respect I want is because this entire past year we have lived on our own, I have paid all our bills by myself and he never seems to have any money to help out, even though he makes as much as I do each month, because he "doesn't know where his money is going". I just feel like he is hiding so much from me and it is very hurtful and hard to deal with. I'm honestly at the point that if we weren't expecting a baby I would tell him I can't do this anymore and leave. I would pay the bills so that my rental history isn't shot but after our lease is up that would be it. Also, I bought him a car a year ago. I bought it from my dad who sold it to me for a good price under the conditions that when the title got switched over it would be in my name. I found out last week that he went and put it in his name so if something did happen I wouldn't get the car that I paid for. I just am not sure what to do anymore. I love him, but I'm so tired of being lied to. Any advice? He doesn't want to be on meds. He's very stubborn and doesn't think he needs therapy. I just feel very alone and stuck. Any help is appreciated. 

We wake up with so much to do, and often, with a few crises to solve...but that's hard when a memory surfaces that resists shaking off.

Years ago, before his diagnosis, when one kid was a toddler and the other an infant, this happened...

Our friends invited us to their wedding. She was a single mom who had found love again. Her daughter and my oldest were nursery school best friends. (Over time, we would share much, off and on because of all the times DH would make us move out of state...I thought they were the kind of pals couples make together, sharing much as we watch all our kids grow...but after much upheaval on our end, I have not seen them in years.)

An invitation to a wedding! This is exciting, but what will I wear? My body is still recovering from giving birth to my second 10 lb. baby. I don't even know what size I am. Husband is in what I will eventually come to label, "magnanimous mode". He reminds me that my career and his are doing well, I need a better wardrobe anyway, I deserve nice things, and BTW I am sometimes too frugal for my own good. (Of course I am, he has already caused us to lose thousands of dollars, but this ADHD marriage is moving faster than the speed of light, and I am so busy with babies and career that a lot of the causes of this chaos have yet to sink in...)

So, nervously, I allow myself to go to the hip shopping district with the elegant boutiques and sit on the leather settee as the charming sales clerk assembles an outfit of flowing silks for me to try on. I walk out of Eileen Fisher hundreds of dollars poorer, but amazing looking. I rationalize that this outfit's versatility will let me wear some of the separates for business meetings, and my husband has promised adventures together (never to materialize) in which some nice clothes will come in handy.

The big day comes. We drive several hours to get to an elegant mansion, a garden full of topiary, a banquet room of chandeliers and exquisite floral arrangements and French doors flung open to let in the sunshine and the birdsongs. My son's little friend is a vision in her party dress and bouquet, and he happily toddles off to romp with her. We don't know most of the guests, but like the happy couple, they are warm and open folks, and conversation flows. We are seated next to a mutual friend, an organic farmer from our area I have been looking forward to getting to know better.

Ten minutes into our finding our table, DH excuses himself to eye the copious buffet . He returns to our table to interrupt the conversation I am having with the other guests. He is in a state of agitation usually reserved for movie scenes where a friend storms into a room to announce that zombies are breaking through the barricades. He is twitching. He can barely talk. He mumbles that there s nothing here for our kids to eat!!! Nothing!!! What will they eat! They're kids! They need to eat!

Only years later will I start to understand that, when he would get like this, the tension would be so great, that a part of my brain would shut down. I could not reason with him. His twitching would not stop until he got what he felt he needed. And, at that point (though this would change over the course of our marriage) he would couch these desperate/weird demands in the language of caring for/doing right by others. So here I was, confronted by a man in desperate need to see children nourished--what kind of mother would I be to question that?

Five minutes later, we have rounded up our son and made some kind of hasty goodbye to the bride and groom.

Fifteen minutes later, we are sitting in a Denny's feeding our toddler French fries.

I feel it is safe to say I am the most expensively dressed women to have ever sipped a soda there. My husband is now "Super Daddy", making jokes with our son and playing peek-a-boo with the baby, and showing his evolved ability to live fully in the moment, and even smiling at strangers at other booths. I am in a daze. I feel I've been shot out of a cannon to land there.

Why did I wake up to this memory? Well, yesterday, I did see a production of "The Taming of the Shrew" and couldn't believe how much Petrucchio reminded me of my husband as he carted Kate away from her family, starved her, made a mockery of her wedding day, and "tamed" her into calling the sun the moon because he said so...

Having wasted the first hour of my day to write this down...I feel purged..better than when I awoke at least. We carry so much within us...those experiences we can hardly believe happened. Put yours here, too, if it brings relief. This is a place that gets it.

I remembered something, that was passed along to me from a friend who was an athlete and competitor, as a means to focus during a sporting event to perform at your best and not let you mind get the better of you and "play tricks one you". If you've read any of the struggles I've had with my wife (who is not ADHD)...what I have really discovered mostly....and what I have had to face personally, is getting past those "distortions" or distorted perceptions....while having to deal with someone else who is really struggling in this area themselves at the same time.

"Distortions" ...as I have now come to understand term....are these very "tricks" that your mind plays on you and if you believe them or don't find a way past them....they will really screw you up and make dealing with all the challenges you face even more difficult.

The BIG LIE.....as I'm calling it....is when any person, ADHD or non-ADHD ....actually believes these distortions and is fooled or tricked into believing what their mind is telling them. And what one will conclude from this as a consequence....is also not not true. And finally..... the behaviors and actions that follow suit....will go according to this mis-belief. Simple enough to understand I think?

So speaking for myself now....the one with ADHD. It really did take a third party (my Therapist) to help me resolve all those distortions I had about myself...which simply came from not knowing I had ADHD....which is at the source of many of those distortions in the first place. If you don't have that one piece of the puzzle to make a complete picture that you can see in it's entirety....all you can do is rationalize your behavior and try and fill in the blanks with those distortions again. I think this a common phenomenon with a person who might be diagnosed later in life like myself....until you get the right cause...and then go right to the source of these distorted perceptions .....so you can do something about them which is reason for all those behaviors in the first place. I know for myself...it took some work to figure this all out but I can also give hope to anyone reading this who is with someone in this kind of denial.....that as soon as you do this....those distortions will eventually disappear as well. At least the ones that are ADHD related.

Having said that.....distortions and denial are not limited to ADHD and everyone has them to some degree or another. Even for someone not in denial and you don't think you have distortions or your reality.......read this exerpt from NFL Football Coach Jimmy Johnson about distorted perceptions....

Focus on the 2x4 ( How to Be the Ball ).... excerpt from Jimmy Johnson talking about how he prepared his team for the Super Bowl in 1993:

"I told them: if I laid a two-by-four across the room, everybody there could walk across it and not fall, because our focus would be that we were going to walk that two-by-four.

But if I put that same two-by-four ten stories high between two buildings, only a few would make it, because the focus would be on falling.

Then I said, your focus right now has to be as if we're playing on the practice field in front of nobody.

If you let it overwhelm you that it'll be the most watched sporting event in the world, that there will be 3,000 media people here - if you make it bigger than life it will be a distraction. ( adding here....and your perceptions will become distorted )

And that's the crux of this game. ( Or being successful in your relationship...that's the game in this case. The big picture and the forest from the trees )

Focus on the two-by-four. Be the Ball (focus on yourself and what you should be doing....instead of what your partner is doing and the problems they appear to cause you in trying to achieve your own personal goals of success. You can't be successful in your relationship...if you are putting all your focus on another person while trying to do that at the same time )

Ultimately....you do have to do both....but you can't get there by not being the Ball and focusing on the two-by-four at all. It won't work if you are doing just one or the other so staying focused on the job at hand....will get you to the place where you will have this ability....once you come to terms with this is exactly what you need to do first.

Becoming overwhelmed with this process....is what causes those distortions for everyone....not just for the person who has ADHD.

The problem or challenge for a person with ADHD right from the start as I am now seeing this.....is they have two things they have to be focusing on. Getting their symptoms under control......and getting out of any kind of denial and getting rid of those distortions directly related to this experience. That's just the personal goal or obstacle you have to overcome.

The second challenge....is doing that while trying to focus on your relationship and your partner at the same time. This addition to the first challenges....leads to becoming overwhelmed and becoming ineffective at doing anything well after a while.

Going along with this same way of seeing this.....

For the partner who doesn't have ADHD......the challenges and the process for someone ADHD in doing this for themselves....and if they are not focusing on you at the same time along the way....will lead you to the same place as they are. Feeling neglected and dismissed and then focusing on them and how to fix them or change them in order to eliminate the problems associated with their ADHD partners inabilities in over coming their own personal challenges.

When this happens.....the ADHD partners ability to focus on what they are doing, leads them to become overwhelmed and ineffective in achieving their own personal goals and what they really need to be focusing on instead....because that is getting hijacked by their ADHD partners inability in the same way.

If both people are so focused on each other.....neither one is focusing on the job at hand which is your relationship itself. When this happens.....both people become overwhelmed and begin to have those distortions or perception for exactly the same reason as I am now seeing this ....and I hope I am seeing this clearly enough to say this.

You have the Forest. And you have the Trees. In order for the Forest to be healthy.....you have to make sure the Trees are too. And in order to do this....you have to take care of both at the same time or neither one will remain healthy and the Forest will die.

However....the wrong way to get their is to focus entirely on the Forest....or entirely on the trees.

The one sure fire way to fail in every case without exception.....is to be focusing all your attention on either one tree or the other. Either your tree....or the other persons. When you do this one fatal mistake......the Forest will die.

And as Coach Jimmy Johnson pointed out to his players before winning the Super Bowl.....the only way to win the game, keep for Forest Healthy and have a successful relationship.....you have to Be the Ball and focus on the two-by-four in order to do this.

I think this is the way to keep those distorted perceptions to a minimum and to keep from becoming overwhelmed yourself. If you're going to be the Captain of your own ship......the Captains physical and mental health is imperative to make it to your destination.

Being the Ball, focusing on the two-by-four is the only way to get there for each person. That's your responsibility to your relationship...not just to yourself. You are a team remember....and you've got a job and responsible to the team to do that for yourself whether you have ADHD or not.

This is how I'm seeing it......you don't have to agree with me. I'm just a guy who trying to figure all of this out and who has my own personal opinion about this and just giving the same advise I give to myself:)

I'm so overwhelmed I don't know where to begin. My husband and I have been married for 3 years in July. When we first started dating, he was only concerned about himself and didn't give any thought or consideration to me or to his kids. From day 1 I became the caretaker to his children taking them to school and back since I had a car. Giving baths, doing homework etc. on top of taking care of my own priorities and job (he didn't work when we met). He would randomly leave during the day or in the middle of the night without me knowing going to see his exes  (2 previous relationships resulting in 4 children) and stay gone for days while I looked after his kids..then come back when he felt like it and act as if nothing had happened and refuse to give me an explanation.  Needless to say things were very very rocky in the first year, but he drastically changed fairly quickly and we got married within that first year and were expecting our first child together. Near the end of my pregnancy I had to quit working because my body just wouldn't let me be very active with chronic back pain and heartburn. Fast forward to today and we have two gorgeous babies and I've been a stay at home mom for 2 1/2 years since my first was born. I'd love to go back to work, but my husband has told me numerous times that he would rather I stay at home and take care of the kids and house so that's what I did. However, anytime a fight rises, he's extremely fast to call me a lazy worthless b**** because I don't have a job and all I do is take care of kids. (He obviously doesn't know what it takes to be a 24/7/365 parent.) If I try to voice my opinion or express how I'm feeling and what's on my mind and he doesn't feel like hearing it, I get told that all I do is complain and that I'm an unappreciative spoiled brat. If a real argument arises, rather than attempt to take the time to work it out like an adult, he starts being as hateful and hurtful as possible trying to destroy me with the most horrible name calling you could imagine. Bringing up things from the past and throwing them in my face, anything he can do to hurt me as much as possible and watch me cry. Then once we go our separate ways and cool off he comes back to me sometimes as soon as 10 minutes later and apologizes for the way he is and says he's sorry and was wrong and expects me to just forget about it, never trying to talk out the source of the problem.  And this is almost every single argument.  Then there's the accusations. Today for example, I spent an hour and a half cleaning ours and the kids bedrooms while also watching my 2 year old and 8 month old so he could play his video game. I asked him to watch the baby for a second so I could put the clothes and hangers away. After I put the clothes away, I sat on the bed to rest a minute and check my notifications on my phone.  All of a sudden I hear him hollering for me like he needed me so I jumped up real quick and tossed my phone down to see what was wrong but instead he starts questioning me about what I was doing on my phone when I said all I had to do was put clothes away and why I "suspiciously" jumped up in a hurry and threw my phone down. I guess the obvious reason wasn't what he wanted to hear so he starts saying "what were you really doing on your phone? Who were you talking to" I got up and showed him my phone and that I was checking my Facebook but he still insists that I was up to no good. I just don't understand why he acts and treats me the way he does. I literally stay at home with the kids all day, so how could I be cheating on him or seeing someone behind his back? Rational reasoning and thinking doesn't work when it comes to him. Can anyone help me figure this out? It's beginning to wear me down and I'm not sure how much longer I can let myself be treated poorly no matter how much I love him.