From one of my favorite movies.... my favorite scene in the movie. The "Hero's Journey" of Neo....the "One".....becoming one with his enemy, the Matrix. For me, it's always been a source of inspiration. enjoy
J
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- "He's Beginning to Believe" by: kellyj 8 years 4 months ago
- Dealing with my SO's Enabling Family Members by: firefly2223 8 years 4 months ago
I have been with my partner for a little over a year. In that year, we have had a lot of struggles, which I originally posted about here : https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/would-you-have-gotten-married-if
He is undiagnosed as of yet, but it's very clear he struggles with ADHD, to both of us (and his teachers growing up, some family members, etc.)
In spite of the problems his irresponsibility have wrought on our relationship, we have been working together to move forward and make some changes in the last few months- and I'm seeing a lot of improvement! However, I've also recently noticed something that may be detrimental to our efforts to get him to be more of an independent, responsible adult; my SO's sister is a very organized, "mom" sort of person. Their mother growing up (I'm told) was very busy and not always totally "on-point" with some of the typical mom stuff, so I suppose his sister took over in some ways and took responsibility for my SO and his younger brother.
When my SO told me stuff like that, I thought it was sweet that his sis is so caring and helpful. But as we've gotten closer and I get to know his family better, I'm seeing a bit of a dark side of it as well- and the things that he sees as "helpful," or "organized," I can't really see as anything but enabling.
There's obvious stuff- like lending him money, going out of her way to plan rides and things for him when he hasn't planned properly, etc. But it goes farther than that as well-
As an example- whenever there is a family event for someone's birthday approaching, sis will start a message thread with my SO, his brother, and usually myself and his brother's girlfriend as well. These threads are about the plans for the event, who will bring what, and contributions to a gift. However, what this basically becomes is myself, sis, and the other girlfriend planning these things while these two guys contribute basically nothing. The boys often don't have money for gifts, so I (and likely bro's girlfriend) eventually contribute their part (both because I care about the person having the birthday or whatever, but also because it's awkward to be in the situation), and we also end up buying and preparing any food, etc. for the event.
I do not want to participate in this kind of thing, because I feel like it should be on my SO, entirely, to a) remember the important occasions in his family's life b) plan and purchase any gift he will be giving them c) figure out what will need to be brought to the event, if anything, and make it happen himself.
I have never expected anyone in my life to buy my dad a birthday gift and plan how I'm getting to his party, and bring my contribution to his birthday meal. EVER.
And as far as I'm concerned, doing it this way is only enabling him to not take responsibility for his own part in these occasions. If he forgets, then he experiences the discomfort of his forgetting- maybe next time he doesn't forget. If he doesn't save money and get a gift- then he experiences the result, if any, and maybe in the future he chooses to act differently.This approach does not encourage a different result, or encourage him or his brother to man up, act responsibly, and deal with the consequences when they don't.
I'm planning to talk about it with my SO- but how can I discuss this with her without her getting angry at me, or defensive, or basically just messing up what is still a fairly new friendship between her and I? I know she is doing this out of caring and her intentions are 100% based in love. But from what I see, it's encouraging the negative stuff more than the positive.
Any tips, stories, anecdotes etc. of similar situations would be greatly appreciated. - Is it ADHD or is he just a jerk? by: Hazel23 8 years 4 months ago
Ive been reading all your posts like crazy today and have to admit it feels so good to know Im not alone! So here goes my first post. My fiance and I have been together 4.5 years. Hes known he has ADHD since a kid, was on medicine up until he was teenager, he took him self off as a teenager due to the stigma he says (hes 36 now). Hes the extreme workaholic type, always has to have a project going on, will never just stop moving. Everything is his way and on his time. Although frustrating I appreciate it at times because its get me moving and we've accomplished alot together.
Two days ago we got into a fight. We were working on a outside enclosure for our chickens (a project that seems to be never ending and nothing will go right) everytime we work on this thing he throws what I call tantrums because something wont be straight or because the chicken wire looks wavy. Hes just a nightmare and I become the "punching bag" he snaps at everything little thing I do. I just feel like I cant even breathe right around him. So I stapled something too close to the edge of the post, it was supposed to be like inch over. You would of thought I knocked the whole thing over. He was all "What is wrong with you" "what are you thinking" "why would you do this". I couldn't take it anymore, he does this often and sometimes i just let it go because if I talk back it just be comes a never ending cycle. But this time I said I cant take this anymore you're not speaking to me like this anymore and I started to walk away. Well he lost it even more, threatened to tear the whole thing down all because im being dumb. I told him hes an asshole, so he threw the staple gun (not at me, just off to the side) I started crying and he just said im being ridiculous. I knew he would in fact rip the whole thing down, and theres no point to keep talking because he just gets madder and madder, to him he is never in the wrong. We continued to work, he was back to his normal self acting fine and calm, I just stayed silent. Later he asked why I so mopey, I said because you hurt me when you do that, you talk down to me and just keep putting me down, I cant do anything right with you lately. I said its not right for you to speak to me like that. So (as usual) he goes to extreme defense mode and says how Its my fault, that I messed up, I did something wrong and that if he cant make me happy and if all he does is put me down then he should just leave. Hes never said anything along these lines before so it just completely caught me off guard. he said if i want him to go then he will and he wont fight for me because hes fought for a girl before and it was awful. So now here we are 6 months before our wedding and hes already making it clear he wont try to save our relationship all because I just want him to be nicer to me.
So as usual afterwards he acts like nothings happened and my mind is racing. I told him a week before I wanted to start therapy, for my own issues. Ive struggled with self esteem and weight issues, and given our hectic lives its just getting worse. I feel like im drowning. We have 4 dogs (he breeds and trains german shepherds) hes also a paramedic so we works hectic hours at times. But the dogs and puppies have become my responsibility because hes working and when hes home hes stressed so he finds something else to work on, and its rarely ever the dogs. So their day to day care falls on me. and I work full time too. So the few hours I have when I get home its spent with them making sure they get attention and play time. Its alot and i didn't sign up to be only one taking care of them....and he talks about wanting more! So i told him I wanted to start therapy last week. I had an appointment yesterday, I told him over the phone about the appointment, he lost his mind saying I never told him I was doing it and we needed to discuss it more. He doesnt believe in therapy, which fine Im not trying to drag him to it. So on the phone he just yelling at me saying im keeping secrets and that he should just leave because im miserable and its all his fault and he can do nothing right, etc etc. I tried to tell him over and over it doesnt have anything to do with him I'm trying to fix myself Im trying to learn how to cope with my emotions and just try to be happy. I said all I want from you is too realize how you talk to me and try harder just not do that. He ended the conversation with he should just leave and that we'll figure it when I get home.
When I got home that night, he was calm and making small talk and he eventually just hugged me and told me he loved me. I asked if he understood now what im trying to say/do. He doesnt, he just kept saying therapy isnt the answer to just go to the gym. And he still sees nothing wrong how he talks me to, its just how it is, If I dont like it then he can leave. I told him I cant be the one you snap at just because your stressed and he just says your the only one there so it just how its going to happen so just deal with it. I told him you have to understand Im always going to stick up for myself when you treat me like that because its wrong. I asked if he wants to postpone the wedding since he had brought up twice about leaving and he said I need to get my shit together and figure out what I want...
So im at a crossroads...im so angry that a big part of me is ready to just tell him to leave (he has no where to go since he would try to take all the dogs and his mother lives with us, we just bought a house a year ago but its technically mine). I know I can be harsh when Im mad and can just cut someone out and the reality would sink in later that it was mistake.
Is the snapping, at times very condescending, inability to express appreciation or ever apologize, self centered attitude the ADHD or is he just a jerk? I want kids...is he going to snap at them and talk down to them? Is he going to give me attitude because I cant help him with yard work because at some point we will have human kids that will need to actually be watched? my mind is going in a million directions...and I just don't know what to do anymore..
Were supposed to be getting married in january, my parents have money into this day for us and Im days away from a hopes of them getting any deposit money back so I feel enormous pressure to decide my life now. Apart of me thinks if theres an excuse for his actions and his inability to consider my feelings maybe i can make it worth....but the other part of me is like why am i the only one who has to compromise and change and he gets jsut tell me to get over it...
thanks for reading my rant...
- NYT article by: dvance 8 years 4 months ago
So the New York Times had a Room for Debate topic about marriage entitled Knowing when a Marriage is Over. It was super interesting, but two comments totally hit me between the eyes--one was "some marriages are just lemons" and "if you are always working on it, there is no time to enjoy it". I feel that way so often--that all I do is play whack-a-mole with the latest difficulty--poor communication, financial irresponsibility, disjointed parenting, awkward social skills, untidy household habits, lazy hygiene--it just never ends. The lack of equality makes it impossible to relax, settle in and enjoy. I don' t know about the rest of you, but what I have is not a marriage of equals. I am not sure what it is frankly, but I know it is not relaxing or nurturing or soft. There is this great song by Jennifer Nettles-part of the lyric is "I want to be the one you reach for first". I cannot imagine what that would feel like, to know someone had your back, that you don't have to be vigilant and on guard all the time. I look forward so much to when my husband is out of town--I feel like I can actually exhale. I am much more relaxed and myself alone. Is there an upside?? Well, I know I need very little to manage. I know I will do what I say and not mess it up. I know I am self sufficient (to a fault I suspect). I can get by with very little physical contact--as I write this I literally cannot remember the last time my husband touched me on his own, not just in return for me touching him. I don't mean sexually, I mean at all--holding my hand, a back rub, the casual physical contact good couples have without thinking about it. I cam make my own decisions with no input from him, half the time he doesn't even know there was a decision. I can think through things on my own--he has pretty much no idea what I think about or what I am struggling with inside at any given moment. I am capable of being quiet for a loooong time. I am comfortable alone. Those are all good things, but I suspect they won't make me a very good partner to someone else in the future. And the kicker is...all of these behaviors or thought processes are in response to the illogic of living with an ADHD person and that very same ADHD person doesn't understand why I act that way!!! At any given moment, my overwhelming feeling in my house is baffled--I have so little idea how I got here, it's just baffling to me. Example: if your person continually tells you what time they will be home but NEVER actually gets home at that time, in fact is several hours later and thinks nothing of it, how long before you first stop asking what time they will be home and second no longer even pay attention and then the other person is surprised you don't care. I don't know how to explain it to him. His behaviors and thought processes do not allow us to function like a normal married couple. No judgement, it's just reality, as if he was in a wheelchair. I would not expect him to go ziplining with me, in fact it would be kind of mean of me to be upset that he couldn't. So I do not expect normal communication, I do not expect normal attention or focus. And the marriage feels so empty.
- Took the Seminar but things are the same......when staying or going are both bad options what can you do to keep sane??? by: BFFJ 8 years 4 months ago
I am so very sorry and I can completely relate. I wish i had good advice. i looked for support groups. When I found none, I have tried going to a counselor the past year to help me deal with it too. We come up with work arounds and some work but the stress and the lash outs , never stop. It is a matter of how I react. I am so tired of having to figure out how to react or not react to someone out of control, the lash outs never end and i am just trying to find ways to keep the peace. Each weekend it is something new and he continues to blame me. It is me not his ADD and I have lost all hope that he will ever see it and realize this rocky of a ride , is not normal, necessary , or healthy. I am exhausted , I am the sole financial provider now and in charge of the finances so that “stress’ of waiting on the next ball to drop , has been eliminated. Sad though. With it comes resentment and shock that I am married to someone that does not have enough responsibility to work consistently, pay bills, provide for his wife and kids consistently ever, and be an equal partner in real life and finances. I have been with mine for 18 years and we have two sons and that is what has kept me in it and trying to fight. I have begged him to get better medicated, exercise etc, all the recommendations , but nothing is consistent except the inconsistencies. He will never see it. That is where I am now. He will never see it nor change. He is the classic victim. He is always getting attacked, Poor him. He can do no right….endless victim…...... Each weekend it is something new and he continues to blame me. I supposed somehow in his mind, I am to also blame for his piles of debt and unpaid bills to creditors, the fact that he almost made us lose the house, but for my income, now I pay for all, the fact he lost health insurance for me and my young two boys b/c of another “miscommunication” really he said it was the health ins. providers fault , and he has been “looking for work” for past three years and JUST got a job out of the home….etcWeekends and time together should be fun not full of battles and stress and waiting to get yelled at, then react to it, and then be told, when i react to him instead of stuff my hurt feelings, it is me , and he is getting attacked. The manipulation and skewed perspective is shocking still to me. Sorry Long vent. I am just feeling done, past done with the “disease ” I want off the roller coaster. We still have some good times, but the other times never stop. My life is the best it has ever been in all other aspects which make it even more depressing when I have to be around him on the weekends and I get sucked in such a depressing world, filled with needless fights and anger and then 5 m in later he is fine pretending nothing happened while I am left feeling miserable and wondering how long I can stay on the ride.
- How do I convince my wife to get tested for ADHD? by: jaronaviv 8 years 4 months ago
I have ADHD which was diagnosed when I was a child. I didn't start medicating until I was 30. Which completely turn my life around. I am now 42 and I manage my ADHD. I met my wife nine years ago. She is a highly creative whirlwind of an artist. Part of the reason why I think we work so well is because I excepted her eccentricity. I think she felt loved unconditionally. Our marriage is now all but over. We are living apart, and have been for six months. A week ago we finally managed to sit down with a marriage counselor. 10 minutes into the appointment the marriage counselor asked my wife if she was ADD. She immediately dismissed the idea because she was tested as a child and they concluded she was not. Then we talked about how that was my issue and not hers. Later that day I began to think about it. She fidgets and can't sit still. She constantly forgets to do simple tasks she's promised to do. There is a room in a house that my wife has dumped all of her things, it's a huge mess. I tried to get her to clean it up for over 3 years. She's too overwhelmed by it to handle it and she won't let me take care of it. She has a lot of trouble starting projects and she often doesn't meet deadlines.I own a business that she has done a lot of design and photography for. Her lateness with most of projects and disorganization constantly put me in the middle negotiating between her some of my employees my business partner. Though her work is very good, her reliable inability to meet deadlines is a major problem. We would not rehire anybody who was this unreliable, and we only continued to work with her because she is my wife. As you can imagine this had put a lot of stress on a marriage. Then nearly 2 years ago she dropped the bomb. She told me she changed her mind and she does not want to have children. All of the reasons she gave about not wanting children had a common theme. The idea was too overwhelming. Our house is too chaotic, the neighborhood is too unsafe, our future is too uncertain. Her ADHD is so obvious to me now I can't believe I could not see it for nine years. I am ADHD, and I have been hoping with it all of my life. I run and arts program for children. I have spotted ADHD in many kids and talked their parents into getting them treatment. As an ADHD person working with ADHD kids I been able to mentor them wih compassion, empathy and patience. I feel so incredibly stupid that it in a nine year long relationship I did not see what was so obvious. She is my best friend, I know her better than anybody else in the world, but some how I saw all of her behaviors first as something she would go out of, then as a lack of caring, then as narcissism. Now I see this amusing cycle. I get up in the morning I take my medication I go to work and by the time I get home the medication is worn off. I wife meanwhile adds to the chaos at home. I wife works part time and partially from home. We try to share all of the responsibilities of maintaining our home. I grew more and more resentful that she would not do her part, especially since organization is so hard for me. Since I was the one who is ADHD her inability to do her half felt to me like she had no compassion for my difficulties.
I'm very aware of my massive role in this situation. I have behaviors of a ADHD person and an ADHD spouse. What a mess.
How can I convince her to get tested? We are trapped in a cycle of me nagging and pushing and her shutting down. I don't even know how to bring this up and get follow through without immediately falling into the same cycle. What if she's not ADHD, or there is something else going on that explained her behavior? Or what if she is ADHD but she tests negative? I think this is totally possible because she's always blaming other people and circumstances for her disorganized behavior. When asked point-blank if she has trouble completing projects on time it's likely that she will say no. In couples therapy she was talking about how her days were incredibly busy saying that she was booked from 6 AM to 6 PM in multiple places. When the reality is she was working two hours in the morning, from 7 to 9 AM and then had another one hour appointment at 5 PM with the entire day free. She works about 15 hours a week.
Is there a script for convincing somebody to get tested? And if she does go and get tested is there anything I can do to get her to accurately describe her behaviors?
Please help
- ADHD Therapy/Coaching In Madison, WI by: zkahn 8 years 4 months ago
Hello all,
I'm looking for some help with my ADHD. I'm struggling to find a Therapist or Coach in the Madison, WI area that has experience with adult ADHD. My insurance provider and their clinics only have therapists with child ADHD experience. My current therapist is looking into this also but this has been a challenge due to the trouble getting appointments with him and going sometimes a month between visits due to his schedule. I've reached out to the two therapists/coaches that are listed on the "Resources - Professional Help and Support Groups" but have not been able to reach them through their web forms. I only did just start to contact them this last week so I figure that with the holiday weekend that they may be unavailable, so I will try contacting them this coming week again. Does anyone else have any insight to resources in the Madison, WI area. I'm going to go to my first support group in a week through CHADD.
Thanks in advance for any help.
- ADHD husband reluctantly agreeing to the seminar by: HaHaHa 8 years 4 months ago
My ADHD husband and I are literally on the verge of divorce. We have been married twelve years, together fourteen. The beginning was great of course but as soon as we got married, it went downhill and has progressively gotten worse with each passing day. We have hung in there as long as we can but are both so miserable that we cannot even find any joy together any longer.
So, a few weeks ago we decided to stop hurting each other and move towards divorcing. When I went to the bookstore looking for resources to assist in coping with divorce, I came across Melissa Orlov's Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD. I read it in a day and then purchased the ADHD effect on Marriage. Reading the books was like reading a biography of our life. So, I discussed this with him and he is VERY reluctantly agreeing to do the seminar as a last ditch effort.
Do we have any chance of turning things around if he is not going into this with a hopeful heart?
- Non ADHD partner seeking advice re undiagnosed ADHD partner by: Miss confused 8 years 4 months ago
Hi, I'm really hoping someone can shed some light on my current situation with an undiagnosed ADHD partner. We're only dating and have been seeing each other for just under a year. I don't have ADHD and had no experience of it before. It took me 6 months of utter confusion to work out that the man I've been seeing has ADHD. I felt like I was going mad. I haven't told him I think he has ADHD as he doesn't seem to ever want to talk about anything problematic and as he is also dyslexic I have a feeling that he has had years of being criticised and has learnt to ignore or bury anything which might be perceived as negative about himself. We're both in our late forties and he has never been married. Basically, I have to do all the work and be the leader in the relationship. He has been without a phone for about 3 months and so he asks me to just pop round when I can. That would be fine, however on one occasion I popped round to see him and after half an hour he asked me if I had something to do that day because he had to do something for a friend,something he could have done any time and for someone he sees more than me. I don't go round there more than a couple of times a week so I don't feel like we see each other much anyway. So, feeling hurt I didn't go to see him for over a week and he made no attempt to see me in that time. When I finally saw him I told him I didn't want to go round to see him only to find that he didn't want me there but he assured me I could see him any time, or to be more precise he said I could pop round for half an hour whenever I wanted. So, still feeling hurt I did exactly that and each time I went round I promptly left as soon as I could because I don't want to feel like I'm not wanted there. About the second or third time I did it he asked me if he'd see me sometime later that week so I said I could come Saturday night. That was last night. I had been there a couple of hours when we had sex (that doesn't happen frequently enough for me either) and after a bit of a cuddle he got up to go downstairs and I shortly followed. He seems to sleep downstairs on the sofa a lot and when I went down he beckoned me to lie down with him but I needed the loo and by the time I'd got back he was sat up looking moody as though he wanted me to go and he'd put away the cover and a pillow that he'd been using on the sofa. I felt awkward then, feeling like he didn't want me there and I then put on my jacket but only because I was cold, but he was very quick to ask me if I wanted to go. I ended up going, dreading that I would otherwise be out staying my welcome.
i don't want this to keep happening as I'm feeling more and more insecure by the day. Does anyone have any idea if this is ADHD behaviour or just disinterest and he's stringing me along. How do i talk to him about it without him just making out everything is ok and dismissing my feelings. I care about him a lot and otherwise love being with him, but I'm now feeling afraid of going to see him in case he wants me to go again.
- Values by: c ur self 8 years 4 months ago
There has been a lot of good discussions on the forum lately, with some very good research behind it...But, instead of looking at the effects of adhd on my marriage; I would like to pose this question. Do you and your spouse have different values?
I ask because on the surface it may seem that you agree on a lot...But, I find with my W, that one of the many major hindrances' in communication is we think (assume) we are speaking the same language. But in reality we are not. I have come to realize that even w/ the presents of blame and denial much of the impasse for us relates to different values...If two people have different values they can hear what they think is agreement, but in actuality your minds may be far to the right or left of each others. I know for us this happen's often, we think we covered something then we find out we have different understandings...Does adhd cause this? I think indirectly it can have some effect. But, it's not the primary cause of Values and Convictions...
I don't want to cloud this up w/ details, I just wanted to throw this out for consideration....Are you and your spouse's Values causing misinterpretation of assumed agreements?
C