Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • ADHD Hubby Cannot Listen by: AlphabetSoup 8 years 4 months ago

    Mostly, my ADHD hubby is a great guy.  Wonderful father, helps around the house, smart, funny, loving.

    I have one major complaint.  In two parts.

    First, he accuses me of things I did not do or say.  He will not allow me to explain, or accept any other possibility other than that I did, in fact, do or say those things whether I meant to or not.  He is totally twisting my words; I have even gone back to other people participating in the conversation to see if I gave the impression he said I did and they did not read it that way at all.  I get blamed for his impulsive distortions.  

    Second, he decides how something happened, decides what I think, decides what I feel, and will not accept any other possible version of the story from me.  

    I acknowledge that I am imperfect.  I'm very mildly autistic and have multiple anxiety disorders and PTSD.  I screw things up and distort things too.  For years, I have accepted that these problems are entirely my fault and done everything I can to change them, to limited avail.

    My therapist, who has talked with both of us, also says it is not entirely my fault.  

    It has reached the point that I would like to die in order to escape the conflict.  We have four children and I have been a SAHM for 15 years.  I have no family for support--  my parents are deceased, my grandmother is frail, and my extended family has huge issues with drug abuse and entitlement.  For those reasons, and the fact that I love him and would only regret it later, and the fact that I take my vows seriously, and the fact that I do not wish to subject him, myself, or our children to divorce, divorce is not an option.

    I have no desire to be right about everything, or get my way all the time, or win every argument.  Life doesn't work that way.  I just want him to acknowledge and consider my point of view with an open mind to the fact that I could be right sometimes, and consider that he is also human and capable of misconstruing things that were in no way an insult.  

  • Searching for Resources on ADHD/Bipolar Disorder Support Groups by: mmmemily13 8 years 4 months ago

    My husband has been diagnosed with both ADHD and bipolar disorder. He takes medication for neither condition, but has finally agreed to see a doctor again--appointment at the end of August was soonest available for new patients.

    I find his ADHD symptoms to become severe when he cycles through even hypo-mania, and the added thrill of spending too much money while not paying attention to other financial obligations, becoming obsessed with a new hobby while abandoning past favorites (including ones we have always done together), and becoming enraged at the drop of a hat so much that he forgets what made him angry in the first place...it's overwhelming much of the time.

    I made the commitment to our marriage with full knowledge of his behaviors and moods, and overall, I regret nothing. He is an amazing provider while I finish my degree, he is almost annoyingly affectionate at times, he is my emotional rock when I am drained, and above everything his smile is the best part of my day everyday. But as time goes by, I find myself struggling to separate his conditions from who he is, and furthermore struggle with the idea that these behaviors are NOT indeed a part of him. 

    Are there any resources for finding local support groups? A search engine scouring only turns up articles, forums, and the dreaded "Signs Your Man No Longer Loves You". I am hoping his potential doctor could provide such information, but my husband is in a manic upswing right now and I have to bite my tongue almost completely off and ignore my own needs in order to avoid hearing him threaten divorce in an impulsive and inconsiderate rebuttal to my concerns.

     

  • There is ADHD....and there is DENIED ADHD by: Zapp10 8 years 4 months ago

    OK I goofed. Typed it in wrong place....don't know how to fix it....never mind. I hate computers....I just wasted 2 hours of my life for a brief post...WTH!

    OH MY GOODNESS!!!  I think I fixed it! ......I still hate computers......

    Please know I am vocalizing from my OWN experience here with this topic. I have read, studied, explored, sucked in, spit out, changed views, embraced new knowledge and held on to my own sanity(not by by own strength but HIS) through this "maze" of ADHD.

    I read something in the weekly marriage tip(June 6,2016) tonite and it struck a not so nice chord with me. So I thought and thought, fumed a little, calmed down, took a deep breath.....and here is my stance.....

    . I do not have ADHD. I do not hold ANYONE with ANY ....shall we say "differences" in a negative view. We ALL have qualities, abilities and traits AS human beings. I, too, have most of the good characteristics of ones with ADHD.....so.....? I also have some of the not so good facets....but do I lose my mind about it? or DO something about it?  This is the part that got me perplexed UNTIL I realized why. The question "How might you be more compassionate"? is asked. I don't know if it is directly related to the ADHD or just in general and that is when the light bulb went on .....

    The reality of "non perfect" in all of us is a given. The ability to love the "unlovable"(and THERE are THESE kinds of people) requires a very strong, deep over abundance of compassion. (I am not just talking about ADHD here tho it is included).

    There is a saying......you cannot help those who will not help themselves. And then there is the other......to help those who cannot(in a moment or for a period of time) help themselves.

    This is where I place "dealing" with ADHD. I am more than willing to put time, effort, money,WHATEVER into relationship with anyone.....who realizes there is an "issue" that inhibits that relationship. 

    There is a HUGE difference in honest acknowledgement of ADHD and denial. There is most definitely success and it doesn't take YEARS of unending meltdowns, scowling, financial stupidity, you said I said crap to see that SOMEONE doesn't really believe they have a "bit of an issue".

    So for me.....I can have enduring compassion (as I hope they would for me) for anyone acknowledging "difficulties" they are facing BUT are, at heart, giving it their best shot. The problems ADHD causes when it is discovered and denied is MORE of an issue, in my view, than having ADHD. In other words....you have ADD? Tell me what it's like?........and if all they do is talk about the "funny side" and offer nothing in sincerity on the "down side"......they are not helping themselves or us who need to be aware of  the existence of this particular "issue".

    I believe it's true.....you cannot help someone.....WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE HELPED and that is sad.....and we can move on from sad.....and still have compassion.....from afar.

    So many on the forums are still, after years and years, trying to make relationships "work" with denied ADHD. Having compassion for oneself .....hmmm? 

    Again this is my take at this moment and I would love to hear other thoughts and views on this.

    P.S. I do not understand the "delimiter"?
     

  • Advice on getting away for a bit by: Maya19 8 years 4 months ago

    I am reading one of Melissa Orlov's books; I am brand new to this forum and would greatly appreciate any advice you might have for me. My husband (w/ ADHD) and I have been together for a year and a half, but we grew up together, so I've known him most of my life. I am completely in love with him and always have been. He is brilliant, loving, and my best friend. I am a teacher and the sole breadwinner.

    My husband was laid off a few years ago and had a lot of money saved at the time but has since lost it in the stock market. He does teach yoga and does other part-time jobs occasionally for money--but for the most part, I pay for everything, including his cell phone and car insurance. Money is our worst issue because every time I bring it up, he gets furious, and we end up in an awful fight. He is a very combative person, and I am conflict avoidant.

    I decided to take this summer off and not teach summer school, so our problems have really escalated because we are together ALL THE TIME. Lately he has been manic (he has Bipolar II as well), and he talks at me constantly. I say "at me" rather than "to me" because these are monologues. He never pauses for me to respond, and he is unable to read my body language. If I get up to go to the bathroom, he follows me, still talking. I am a writer, and I have designated writing time with my office door closed, but he will just open it and start reading something to me, for example, with no regard for what I am doing. I never get any peace, and I feel like I am suffocating.

    I would like to go out of town this weekend with my brother and his family to relax by the lake for a couple of days. I haven't had a vacation in a long time. I have to teach seven classes in the regular semesters (I teach at a community college) in order to pay all of our bills, so I am exhausted. My husband feels abandoned when I leave town without him, but he is dog-sitting this weekend, so he would not be able to come with me anyway. The truth is I just really need a break from him. I went to the beach last summer with my family, and it really rejuvenated me and our relationship (but there was a lot of drama due to his feelings of being abandoned).

    What do you think the best way would be for me to go on this weekend road trip without hurting his feelings? How should I broach the subject?

  • Never know if hes going to come home in a good or bad mood. by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 4 months ago

    I'm so tired of the nervousness that I feel before he walks through the door. I can tell in a second what kind of mood he's in. If he walks through the door and says "hi honey" then I know he had a good day. If the first thing he says is "what's up?" then I know he had a crappy day. He came home from work on Thursday and Friday in really good moods. So when he went in on Saturday I was expecting another good mood that night. Nope! Well on Friday evening a large branch broke off of our tree and mostly landed in the neighbor's yard. The neighbor came over and asked if we wanted him to saw it off and H says 'Okay". He then tells me "Well the tree is on the property line so he can do what he wants." I tell him that the tree belongs to us and that he is just offering to cut it down. We've been here for 3 years and he apparently thought we shared the tree?? He then goes happily "Okay well then I'll just saw it up for firewood tomorrow. ". Well after he left for work Saturday morning I dragged the limb (about 12' long and 5" around!) onto our driveway because I was going to mow and I wanted to cut off all the small branches allowing him to just cut up the main part when he got home. Well I'm sitting on the porch when he pulls up. He gets out of the truck (without seeing me out there) and yells "Why the fuck is there a tree in our driveway?!" Great, here we go. I go "What?" and he repeats it and I say "Because I put it there." He walks in the house without a word to me, throws his backpack on the couch and immediately goes out to the garage and hooks up the electric saw and cuts it up. In the process he starts saying at the top of his lungs "We having the laziest fuck of a neighbor. Tells everyone we have 10 cats, says the woman down the street is a prostitute, calls people niggers when he's the real nigger". I had no idea why he was going off on our neighbor and thought that was the cause why he came home mad. I wanted to melt away because I was so embarrassed by what he was saying and how many people heard him. He didn't care. Started throwing the logs and not saying one word to me while I helped. If I had opened my mouth he would have yelled at me. Goes inside and sits at his computer for an hour. Takes a shower and then comes out and sits with me. I say to him "Are you okay". He goes "Yeah, just was a long day at work and I thought the neighbor had put the branch in our driveway." I TOLD him as he came in the house that I had done it! THAT'S the reason he was going off on the neighbor??! I can't believe that a bad day at work would elicit such a horrible reaction. Of course everyone but him goofs off at work and he has to take on the brunt of the load. No matter where he works, he's the ONLY one who ever gets anything done.

  • Why is every good time ruined by H's attitude?? by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 4 months ago

    H complains that I never speak up with things I want to do. Whenever I do, he ends up being in a bad mood because he never REALLY wanted to do them and makes me feel like he's just going to please me. Well, THAT'S why I never ask you to do anything! Even when he offers for us to do something and then 2 days later I ask if we are still doing it and he acts like he never wanted to do it in the first place but now he HAS to do it. I came up with going to a cover band for his birthday back in February. He said "I suppose we can go." We had others joining us and he really wasn't excited about it. Yet after we got there, he had a really good time.  Back in March I posted about this concert that was coming up in June. He responds enthusiastically "Yeah lets do this". I verify he wants to go and is still on board. I get the tickets and then it happened last week and a few days before I told him to remember to get off work early for the concert. He goes "Oh is that this week?" very unethusiastically. He got in a bad mood the night before and then the day of he was once again in a bad mood. I as just waiting for him to come up with some reason why he couldn't go. He was cranky when I picked him up and cranky until we got there and then started having a good time and was laughing more than anyone around him. He thought it would suck, but it was really good.

    We've gone to Vancouver via train 3 times now and it starts out great but 24 hours in and he's pissy because we're walking all over the place and he gets tired or "I" didn't figure out where to go (because he doesn't have the patience to figure things out) and every single time we've gotten back on the train to go home with him being so pissed off about the whole thing. Now he wants to go to L.A. in October for some video game thing. Well he bought the ticket for it back in March but still hasn't gotten plane tickets for us or a place to stay even though he's been saying for months he was going to. Actually, I am supposed to book a place but I'm not doing that until he buys plane tickets and then of course it will be all my fault because everything is booked up and he thought I booked something months ago. I wouldn't be surprised if he decides not to go. And if we do, he'll be pissed off when we get there because "I" don't know where to go. Nothing is ever fun, it's just tedious and I'm always just waiting for him to be angry.

  • Three Faces of a Victim by: c ur self 8 years 4 months ago

    If you are struggling as I have to find emotional, mental, and spiritual well being...You may be stuck in an illusion or a place of partial reality. This has followed me since my childhood and surfaces in most all of my relationships. It is reversible, but, it must be recognized, and dealt with.

    I tend to be a Rescuer the right one! with all the answers, who would argue you down that I'm right, and I had a life time of hard work and successes to prove I was right....My Wife tends to lean toward a Persecutor or Blamer, never wanting to take responsibility for anything...Most of our problems or found is this truth; being that a Rescuer and a Persecutors are in direct opposition to one another!....I'm working on me, and I can tell you life has gotten so much better as I have faced up to my own dysfunction; and it has had a very positive influence on my wife...

    I found this great article that first brought this to my attention, if any one would like to read it, this is the site: http://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/ There is hope for our marriages and for those of us who will become of aware of US, and discipline ourselves into change.... Blaming my wife's add/adhd for all our problems was just the cowards way out....

    Blessings friends; May Peace be with you today!

    C

  • Need outside perspective, angry, hurt, fed up by: dogbabbies 8 years 4 months ago

    I have question, Im 44 wife with add and have had PTSD for three yes, husband is 44 has ADHD, he refuses to negotiate or compromise about anything, he with holds money, we have lost everything, my car was repoed 6 weeks ago, he stated no intentions of plan for me vehicle to drive, we have nine ur old daughter, I caught him with porn on his phone, he still gets defensive if I hold him accountable, he does not ask my input about any decisions he makes and says that in order to repair our marriage , " he needs me to respect him and fu-- him frequently with enthusiasm ".  I have told him that is not way a christian man speaks to his wife or leads Hus family, I ask him to see my point of view and he says" I'm not going to submit to your feminist bs". And claims I'm ungodly wife, and basically he has nothing to correct.  Exactly how am I to respond to this inappropriate disrespectful behavior where he will listen?????

     

  • ADHD symptoms in both of us by: Car Guy 8 years 4 months ago

    I ran across this site a few months ago when looking up how to deal with an unhappy wife. We've been together 5 years, married almost 3. She's divorced ( married 10 years, currently 48 YO ) while I am widowed ( married 17 years, currently 52 YO). Reading through through the six signs ADHD may be a part of your marriage, along with other symptoms of ADHD, got me thinking we are dealing with ADHD. She has some of the more severe symptoms, always misplacing and looking for things, horrible time management skills, trouble with finances , staying with a conversation for any length of time.Talking with her is like talking with 5 different people at the same time the topic changes so quickly, angers quickly over small issues but will jump all over me for for small things. She's crashed the car, burned / forgotten to make dinner so many times I can't count, backed into the garage door twice. Knowing her tolerance level, I have not raised my voice or shown any anger towards her but thinking how the hell could you do that !!! I've also noticed some symptoms in myself such as not liking being told what to do, poor listening skills and somewhat distracted. Our communication styles are extremely different, she is unfiltered says what's on her mind then and there. I tend to avoid conflict at almost all costs. This results in our conversations not being real or we are missing intimacy. Myself, I'm tired. Tired of being told you're doing it wrong. Loading the dishwasher, washing clothes, sweeping the floor, using the vacuum, step on this rug after shower, don't step there after shower, gel your hair this way, length of shower ( I've heard too long and too short ). I've done all these things when married as well as single so it's not difficult. I try to respect her wishes when she explains why ( She doesn't like putting wood in the dishwasher because it cracks faster - OK ). Why are you going this way. She gets lost so easy but knows to tell me and GPS how to get there. I've write these down so I can try to make her happy but the target is constantly moving and worse, ignored by her. Don't go outside without shoes. When you come in it tracks dirt. OK, makes sense, I won't. A few times last week she follows me out to the car to say goodbye without shoes. Finally say something to her today. Replies that she washes her feet before going back in. I don't see her doing this and explain , but I still get an attitude. A number of rules we agree on for the house are ignored and when I call her out on them, get an excuse as to why she can do it. Very annoying and with teenage boys and a younger girl, does not set a good example. A number of these things I can see her point on. I am fairly laid back and can ignore most. Although I'm not sure that's the best thing. Some things I have a harder time and those are the personal attacks. She's questioned my faith because I don't pray like she does, how I don't talk enough, how I'm dead inside because I won't engage in the manner she wants. I've recovered from the previous arguments but the latest one has scared me because after almost 4 weeks, still feel extremely resentful of her. We have a lot of good days, but the smallest thing sets me back. As a result we will be seeing a therapist. I have never been to a marriage counselor. I did not have any major problems in my previous marriage, so don't have any idea of what to expect.Looking for advice on my first visit and situation. I don't know if I've explained my situation clearly since at times, I don't even know it myself. Thanks

  • This struck a resounding chord in my deepest soul by: I'm So Exhausted 8 years 4 months ago

    Gosh.  This is a quote from Melissa Orlov, taken from another thread on this forum:

    . . . . . . .you are better able to respond to her when she is at her wit's end...but from her perspective, that is likely too little, too late.  No one loves being in a relationship where you get the best from a partner when you've had it.  The road back, in that instance, is long. . . . . . . 

     I can understand it.  I live it.  I am on that long road.  It is a rough road.   My relationship dynamics are in dismal repair.  It is all very difficult to accept, probably because it is just hard for Liz to define exactly what it is that needs to be accepted.  

    I know there is a disconnect.  Exactly what it is. . . .well, it is elusive.  Old patterns of behavior  - - -even though they seem to get through . . .are hurtful, and old, and tiring.  New patterns have proven to be hurtful.  I am tired of feeling hurt.  Even more, I am 'so over' causing hurt.  I know lots and lots of things that do not work.  I have tried new ways of communicating, that truly had the appearance of being the solution, yet they failed dismally and the repercussions were too intense to repeat.  Too intense. Very intense.  

    My goal is be at  peace.  My goal is to have joy.  My goal has never been:   pushing a great man to the edge of a cliff.  Yet, the actions and choices and steps I have chosen, have concluded with such disasters.  The choices were well intentioned.  The choices were suggested/directed by others.  In the end, the efforts failed to accomplish the desired result . . . . . we both crashed and burned.

    Thus, I continue on Liz's journey, by attending college, focusing on me and my actions, and, well, just going forth.  I am student teaching this summer.  Yep, a 56 year old women, jump starting her first career. . . .and really, really lovin' it!!!!!    

    My focus has to keep being redirected - to work towards my joy.  

    The God's honest truth, in the deepest pit of my soul, is an abiding pain that persists.  I have not been able to bring about the relationship changes I so desire, for both of us.  I truly understand my efforts alone will not do it.  His efforts have been great.  

    One day at a time.  It is all I can do.  

    I am not a victim in all this.  I am not stuck.  I do know one thing for sure. . . . .hurtful, angry relationship dynamics are a thing I choose to walk away from, at a very quick pace.  

     

    Very truly,

    Liz

     

    P.S. I apologize for the edit, edit, edit. . . . . .it was necessary to clarify my thought.  :)  

     

     

     

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