As I explained...I had some experience with psychedelic drugs in the past....but the experience I had when the window opened up was a completely different experience.  When I was in that weakened state of depression...where I was feeling like I didn't care anymore whether I lived or died....this does something to your emotional state.  When that happens....fear disappears.  If you think about it...fear is there for a reason....to indicate danger or something to avoid that might hurt you or so you won't die.  If you don't care whether you live or die....fear is not necessary anymore.  And from that place....this leaves you open and vulnerable without the protection of fear there to get in your way or prevent you from doing things that you might not normally do.  And from that kind of immunity from fear....you are exposed and open without those emotional blocks to stand in your way.

But the insecurity and pain you feel from it ( your insecure attachment ) is still there along with the depression which was caused by that deep insecurity.  How I got that way...had everything to do with dissociation.  Dissociation....is the mechanism I used to protect myself from my emotions from facing the reality of why they were there.  That is...from the treatment I received from my parents which under normal circumstances with a secure person for example....would be extremely hurtful and damaging every time you got hit by the same dysfunction over and over in respect to a child.  And it that dysfunction from the parents never stops and is consistent over time.  Something has to be employed to put in between your emotions and your the feeling person....in order to shunt it off and dissociate from it so you won't feel it anymore.  In a nut shell....this is splitting and denial.  You split off from your emotions and no longer feel them any more.  Your alter ego or split off character is separate from you. 

So in essence.....there are two of you.  The one who is abused and being hurt that feels nothing and is invisible to you so you don't have to see it or deal with all those negative emotions...and then there you who only feels positive things and denies the existence of the other one. The bad one who is only negative the one feels Okay in your conscious thoughts.  Nothing wrong with me....I fine thanks.  Must be your the problem.

The problem is....everyone else is not the problem.  The problem is Mr Hyde your evil twin.  Everyone else can see and feel him since he's mostly negative, angry and full of venom.  He's short tempered irritable and all negative when he comes out.  For everyone else that is except for you since that's the point of these dissociative mechanisms.  To protect you from your own negative emotions and feelings.

What I've come to learn about this myself....it can be a really effective tool as a child to protect yourself from to much emotional pain....as long as you don't go into full denial and these are temporary moments....and then you return to your whole self again.  For the most part....this is what I did.  And because of that....I felt the insecurity and pain and retained my ability to feel the full brunt of my emotions yet I could go into full dissociative episodes for brief periods or moments of time when the pain was more than I could handle..  Someone who goes too long like this...goes from split to separated or severed  which is where the complete inability to see their other half comes from. If this is so severe and more permanent.....this becomes Narcissism as a disorder and that person is completely separated and disconnected from the ability to feel their emotions which is why there is no empathy after that.  At that point...it's no longer denial anymore and mostly dead inside as I understand it.

For an anxious/preoccupied like myself....I had a lot of anxiety and the resulting depression after too long since the dissociation mechanism was still allowing me to feel the damage.  This makes you sad and lonely a lot which is exactly what I remember as a child.

So in the moment when the window opened up for me without any fear standing in the way...at felt at one with everything and everybody and my loneliness and insecurities dissolved along with my ego.  When that happens...there are no distortions of perception and you feel complete, whole and fully integrated emotionally and in touch with all your feelings.  I cannot tell you how wonderful that feeling is.  It in almost an instant...all pain and suffering goes away and feel connected to everyone and have a sense of belonging you've never experience before.  Your alone....but not alone...and it still feels wonderfully peaceful and at ease.  Your mind becomes free and clear from all fears, concerns and insecurity and completely connected on the inside with no dissociation or splitting any more.  It all just disappears along with any loneliness or unresolved feelings what so ever.

This a state of pure joy and inner peace and a calm you have never felt before in your life.  This the state of  Zen Satori and Nirvana and like you have been touched by the hand of God or the Universe which lets you know you are not alone and connected fully with everything down to the smallest atom and which extends outwardly to infinite space of the Universe itself.

If you've never seen this flick from the 60's called Cosmic Zoom....it it a really good animation of the overall "trip" you take inside your mind that I just described.  For lack of a better example just to illustrate...it would be as close as I could get by just trying to explain it.  It's here in the link attached if your interested.

https://youtu.be/VgfwCrKe_Fk

J

Preface:  I'm up all night again, and I can't sleep.  I've been doing a lot of connecting up lately and part of it....I need to get down before I lose it. lol  And a caveat before I continue.  As I explain a life changing experience that had....I would be remiss in saying:  This is not something I would recommend or try on your own.  In fact don't...unless you do it with someone who knows what they are doing.  There are places you can go and do this I found in my research....but I'm not including here for any other reason than for what I learned and what has come out of it.  That's the most important thing to me so it should be the focus for anyone reading this.  Fair warning:)

This will cover a lot of ground so I need to make this a multiple part post or I'll get too constricted in my ability to put it all together.  The topics include: Attachment Theory, Dissociative Spitting, Religion and Spirituality and how I am relating it to having ADHD.  That's a lot of ground! ha!  And because I think what I have to say is so important. I need to lend some insight and research I've done to validate a lot of what I have to say here.  To start....I've been researching and seeking answers to this for years now...to the point of even taking an University Level course on it to try and find my answers to what I experienced.  This goes back a ways into my past....but what I took from it is here with me on a daily basis.  That's what a positive experience this was for me albeit....in the way I am and the way I tend to do things....it was one of those  leap first....think about later impulsive experiences that turned out just fine in the end.  And then some:)

All I ask...is to have a open mind and not discount what I have to say.  Not for my sake....but possibly discounting some really valuable information that you're probably not going to get from a therapist or Doctor for sure. Having said that.....Doctors don't know everything....they just people too you know? lol

legal disclaimer:  Just because Johnny jumps off a cliff....doesn't mean you should do it too!

The Long Strange Trip...the  Waiting for a Miracle

I've done a lot of crazy things in my life...and this one is one of them.  But.. out of all of the accidents I've had in my life that didn't go well....this one is a shining star as far as the ones where I came out Okay.  To say the least.

In the beginning....I was a straight laced kid who was seeking something to relieve the pain and insecurity that I was carrying around with me from my childhood that I had grown so use to that I believed this was as good as it gets.  This is it....and will be my life until I reach the very end.  And the end was something that I thought...might come sooner than later for me.  That feeling was like I was going to die came from the abuse of my childhood  and had it reached a point....where I just didn't care any more.  Not caring if you die...is different than thinking about killing yourself or suicide which I have never had those thoughts.  Wanting to sometimes could be included in not caring if you do...if that makes any sense?  I don't care which side of ADHD you're on....a person like I was...is going to be in need of something and until you figure it out.....you are not going to feel any better.  In my case...I wasn't trying to figure anything out....I was only looking for some relief for the pain.

So for me coming from a pretty straight up Christian family who had some more strict ideas of how to interpret this....I was not someone who didn't consider things or consider breaking the law as no big deal or not something to worry about. Having said that....it was the early 70's in Jr High and High School when I first started experimenting with drugs.

A side story, related directly to ADHD...one of my friends who was the first to join me in my experimentation....had a father who was a pharmacist. lol  Needless to say....we took the scientific approach and pulled his fathers pharmacological book out and did our home work first.  And since he worked for his father at times filling scripts....instead of throwing pills out like he was suppose to when they fell on the floor....these would come home with him and the two of us would try them out and take them for a spin! lol

This was the first time I tried Amphetamines,  it was pure grade pharmaceutical speed direct from the source.  This is actually the story I told my nurse practitioner when filling out my "drug experiences" questionnaire... to test to see if I had ADHD from the things I said.  And as I told her...."yeah...I was kind of disappointed when I first tried it....thinking it was going to do something which it didn't in my mind....except,  I really felt great and my mind was extremely sharp and  clear after taking it but I really didn't think much in terms of getting me "high"...which it didn't at all."   Which as she told me after I filled out the questionnaire....that was the right answer she was looking for.

So moving onward from those first experiences.  I really had no interest in pills and really didn't like anything we fooled around with right at first and stopped doing that right away.  Only to graduate to hard drugs ( as I thought any drug was for me ) and right on to Marijuana which was extremely popular at the time and readily available.  Outside of Pot and Beer....these were really the only "hard drugs" I ever did during those early years in High School.  Except for one exception....

Where I live....Magic Mushrooms or Psyilocybin grows wild everywhere.  All you needed to do was find a cow pasture and start rooting around in the grass and you'll find some if you know what to look for.  This was kind of a ritual thing every October for a lot of people to go Mushroom picking and I was invited along to discover how to do this. And as I found that was really fun during that time in my life.... were going to costume parties at Halloween on mushrooms which made that even that much more entertaining. lol  It became a yearly tradition and the only other drug that I really like doing but on a limited basis in the fall every year.

And just to reiterate...my drug usage was pretty limited and I took it rather seriously. I don't have an addictive personality (that God! )  and law breaking was one big consideration....getting caught by my parents would have been even worse!  Which....I managed to do and how I'll never know?

So from that limited background....I proceeded off to college where I met a couple of friends and one was majoring in chemistry.  This guy was somewhat entrepreneurial by nature and devised a way to manufacture a small amount of high grade LSD in the University chemistry lab right on campus....using their equipment and chemicals which appeared to have very good results.  We had some pretty interesting adventures out in the woods,in the Mountains and  skinny dipping naked in remote forest hot springs with "Hippies".....  and in general... having a lot of fun and laughing so much at times with my college friends that I would wake up the next day with an sore jaw and stomach muscles. lol  This was also on a very limited special occasion type basis which only amounted to a hand ful of times.  I guess if your going to do these things....college is always a good time to do it.  Isn't that why you go there anyway? lol  Anyway...as a parting gift from my friend the chemistry student at the end of the year....he slipped me a little vile that contained some this pure LSD he made in liquid form as a going away present at the end of the school year.  At the time....I was needing a break from that and was not really interested.  I'd had my fun and was planning on keeping it that way.  I ended up throwing that vile in amongst a bunch of keep sakes from college and never bothered looking for it again.

Fast forward....15 years later.

I was really struggling at the time and was in severe need of some kind of miracle to snap me out of the depression I was having.  I was married at the time and things were beginning to go down hill for me.  I didn't know I had ADHD and had already discovered most my symptoms the hard way with no way of understanding how to fix it or make how I felt any better.  A friend of mine who was a big Grateful dead fan moved home from San Francisco to live in our city again and who was urging me to go see them with him the next time they came through town. Not having see them but not that interested in them at first....he finally twisted my arm to go see them and we both set out with tickets in hand when that opportunity presented itself.  And in one of those spur of the moment decisions...I remembered that vile again.  When I found it in my stash of keep sakes from college.... the vile was dry and empty from sitting for all those years...so I figured I'd just add a little water and get what little I could out of it just as an after thought.  I needed something to get me out of my funk and that was as far as my thinking went.

So when we arrived at the venue....there were thousands of people everywhere...and it seemed like the time and the place to throw down the vile of water and go hear some music which I was really looking forward to since I was struggling as I said.

As I discovered within in short period of time.....the amount I thought might not do anything...was actually a massive dose of pure LSD that exceeded anything that I had ever expected. (or ever experienced before in my previous experiences)  This turned out to be a life changing event for me quite by accident. 

This is where I can start to pull all that I learned from what happened that day and apply it to so many things...I'm still trying to piece this all together.  In order to do this....I'll stop here and include the topics that came out of this and how I can apply it.

Satori: the Buddhist experience of enlightenment or Nirvana

Echart Tolle: and his personal experiencing the same thing only getting there a different way

Inner peace, connection made inside the brain, attachment, and..... "hallucinatory thinking" and "extinguishing conditioned responses" which NowOrNever brought up in another unrelated thread on Attachment theory.  If I can manage go do this well....I will be able to really explain what dissociation is and how this might be useful ...in terms of ADHD and explaining  those ruminating voices or thoughts inside your head from the past.  In that same thread....Cur Your Self was looking for answers in dealing with the same kind of things with his wife....and now with what I've come to learn with my recent experience in successfully breaking through the wall of denial for the first time with my wife as well.

Including some thoughts how this applies to the topic of Narcissism and the discussion brought up in the blog post that Melissa Orlov included with some things  that I feel are related.

And the very real religious or spiritual awakening experience when you become "One" with the universe which is that "one" experience that has been well documented in association with hallucinogenic drugs like LSD.  In my case....this was by complete mishap or accident that this happened to me but....it changed my life from that day moving forward right up until this very day.  In many respects...it was the miracle I had been waiting for.

Before I end this part 1 of trying to pull a lot of things together here.....I only wanted to add that I am not promoting or suggesting anyone follow my footsteps here.  And at the very least just simply stating that I'm not advocating drug use or experimenting with them just to see what happens.  This was a one time deal for me and was completely an accident that it worked out like this for me.  There is so much I don't know how to explain but only to say that this really was a miracle in my life in a very positive way.  I think regardless of the impression this might lead you to....this experience has given me quite a unique perspective and it's that perspective that is really the most important thing of all.  Unless you think this sounds fishy or doesn't sound like it is worth considering....I have spent years like I said researching this experience and I am far from the only person who has ever had this happen.  In this much...what I know....is that it's not a common one and pretty rare even for someone who goes seeking this experience and doing it the same way....have found they many or even most people.....never have this happen even then. 

In that much....I feel pretty lucky indeed.  More to come after I have a chance to think about how to tie this all together but at least now I can refer to this experience and apply what I've learned from it.
 

J

For anyone reading this....the term "Going through the wall" has a particular significance to me from my childhood. As a competitive swimmer beginning at the age of 6 and coming from a family dysfunction that completely undermined my ability to have any faith and belief in myself....and the fact I had un-diagnosed ADHD in those terms...created a situation where I was singled out in my family as the "one" who could not be trusted. I was the only one in my family, where all other family members (but particularly my parents) that had no faith and trust extended to. Not only that, but discouraged, but down beneath, held back, and sabotaged by everyone who refused to believe in me or believed that I could never do anything for or by myself. The only thing they could see from this narrow perspective was my failures and nothing else. This disabled me, not from having ADHD, (which in my mind is neither a disorder nor a disability )..... but from ONLY this false perception itself. What happens when you someone refuses to believe in you...is you begin not believe in yourself and doubt your own abilities. The damage that this false belief had to my sense of self worth and self esteem cannot be fully realized by anyone who has not had this experience. Only to say, that if you grow up in an environment, where no one will believe you and you have to prove everything "first"....before you are allowed to move forward or even given the chance.... this becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for the non believers. At the very heart of this mis-belief ....when I became a victim of this kind of mental and emotional abuse as the effect in the untold damage this causes you..... comes the story of courage and personal triumph and faith.

As I recall the many times, as my swim coach ( Mr Rod Harmon ) a man who was instrumental in my healing and repairing the damage done to me and restoring my own personal faith.....would pull our team aside and give us his little motivational speeches to. And one in particular, that he shared with us as we sat on the cold pool deck huddled around him went something like this......

"The human body is an amazing thing. It is capable of feats that go beyond your imagination. It can withstand an incredible amount of abuse, and can repair itself to better than it was before hand. There have been times in history, when humans in the face of great adversity and to save the life of another human being in countless situations of catastrophic events, that can summon within them a power that goes beyond there own capabilities and limitations. There have been accounts of those who have lifted cars off the ground in order to save the life of someone trapped or being crushed underneath them in order to free them and save that persons life. In these moments...that person digs down deep inside them and finds a strength that they never knew existed."

As he continued this story, he related it to swimming and in those moments when your body starts to fail and the "bear jumps on your back." (as the reference in those terms) To gain a better understanding of what he was talking about....this is the moment of truth for any competitor when they come to that wall.... where your mind is screaming for you to STOP.... from the excruciating pain you are feeling from the blood leaving your arms and legs and your body is beginning to fail you.

To continue as he on with his speech..... "When you body hits that wall....it's the time to not listen to what your mind is telling you. Your mind is responding to your body since you are now going past the point that it has enough oxygen to stay alive if you continue further. It is sending a message to you mind that says you are dying...but in reality, it does this way in advance of that ever happening. In this case, your body is lying to your brain and you have a huge amount of lee-way before you would ever get close to doing any damage to yourself."

"The difference between winning and losing any race...comes in the last 10 yards and when you reach that wall. Most anyone can make it to that point and the race will be even up to then.....it's the person who can endure this pain and go through the wall...is the person who will win the race in that last 10 yards. To do this...you must summon the same power and courage and believing that it's possible....in order to go through the wall and win."

From the first time I heard this story...and heard it repeatedly for the next 10 years of competing....I had never managed to find it in myself to do what he had said. And because of this....my status and times reflected my inability to find a way through. For 10 years I tried....and for that many I failed to do so. It was not until the day...that I began to believe in myself....did that ever happen. On this day.....something came over me and that I cannot explain...but it may be likened to the story of the "Grinch" where his heart grew beyond it's size and the courage that comes to you when that happens.

As it was....I was entered into the meet by the best time I had previous. This place me one heat behind the last heat...where only the fastest swimmers competed side by side. I did have the fastest lane in the middle of the pool which meant the competitors next to me were only slightly slower than the best time I had ever recorded. And as it is with swimming, once the race begins....you can't really hear much beyond the sound of water rushing in your ears...as well as being able to really see who next to you or where the other swimmers you are racing against. But as any swimmer knows who's sitting on deck resting... playing cards... or reading magazines while killing time between races. When you her the noise of the crowd slowly getting louder and increasing in volume....you know something big is about to happen and everyone rushes to the edge of the pool to witness the event about to happen.

And as it was for me....when swimming in this particular race (100yd Backstroke)...I began to notice something different which told me the same thing. As I approached the final wall before returning to the other end of the pool.....I began to notice other swimmers lining up along the edge of the pool. I then began to hear the crowd noise coming over the rushing in my ears. When I hit the last wall on my return and pushed off....I saw my coach standing right above me circling his arms and whistling over any other noise I could hear. I knew immediately what that meant since he only did this when you were ahead of the fastest recorded time at that point and you potentially were going to go below it and set a new one yourself. At that point in the race....I only had 15 yards to go.

This was the first time in over 10 years that I had ever been in that position before. I had watched my coach do this countless times with other swimmers and now....there I was....and there was my coach animated and excited and encouraging me to go through the wall. And that was the moment he had been talking about that I had been there countless times before but had never made it through. This time however.....I heard the crowd....I saw my fellow competitors lining up to "see something" (the term used on the inside for this situation) ....and my coach standing there confirming that they believed in me and believed I could do it. And because of this kind of encouragement....I could not let them down.

And as I came to understand in the next 8 seconds of excruciating pain.....that it was worth every ounce of pain and suffering I had to endure. This was when I fully realized my own potential...and the realization of the story that I had heard so long ago. I went though the wall, and set a new record. One that had stood for over 11 years from a guy that I had always looked up too from below....and only dreamed of ever becoming as fast as he was. And when that happened to me....I was no longer below anyone ever again.  The time that I recorded not only set a record...but it beat everyone including all the fastest swimmers ahead of me which earned me 1rst place.

From that day moving forward....I knew that if I stayed with it and didn't quit....I could go through that wall again each time I came to it. It only takes once to know that it is possible.....instead of believing it might not be. But what it took me to get there....was just one person who believed in me and believed I could do it. All I needed was one person to do this for me....and from time moving forward....I could do it for myself and need no one to this for me ever again. At that point....I believed in myself and I believed I could do it any time I made my mind up to do it whenever I really wanted to. And as this holds true to this day......I just did it again with my wife.

As of this morning after a huge fight we had about this very thing only last night when I refused to back down and made her listen to me to me and went through the wall.   In this case...I came to her in the last 10 yards and made a believer out of her.  How I did this is less important to getting her to actually believing in me...and that's all I need her from this time moving forward but this time unlike any other..... she trusts me understand and the reason why. I can sense the weight has lifted and the room fill with the same air of triumph for the both of us, I can taste it...and I know that flavor when it's in my mouth. For my wife and I.....it is the taste and flavor of trust and believing and I know that one without a shadow of a doubt:)

J