Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Seeking advice: partner going cold turkey from adderall by: Greti 10 months 2 weeks ago

    Hello. I am really struggling with what to do. I am married to an ADHD partner and we have young kids. My partner has been out of adderall for a week, since they missed an appointment with their prescriber. (this is not the first time this has happened, and I suspect that my partner is probably using up all their chances with this prescriber). For the first 5 days, my partner said they hadn't heard back from the prescriber. I also expressed my frustration that my partner keeps running out of medication (which has been happening consistently for months, and honestly years, leaving my partner unable to function, not making it to work, not doing anything at home, and not able to parent). I just learned that my partner has heard back from the prescriber who was willing to meet, but that my partner didn't want to. Which leaves my partner without any medical/psychiatric support for detoxing from aderall. 

    At home, my partner has been mostly sitting on the couch, self medicating with alcohol, and watching tv all day. Last night, they became extremely irritable/agitated and started targetting me, getting angry with me for not being supportive enough (i.e. expressing my feeelings of hurt, anger, discomfort and how this situation is affecting our family). I asked my partner to please call the prescriber back (even if they want to continue detoxing off aderall, which i completely support) so that they can have medical/phychiatric support. I told them that I feel really strongly that it is important. But I don't think they will do it. In addition, they aren't going to work which has been a problem on and off for the past few years, so I am worried they will lose their job. And I am absolutely emotionally exhausted, worried about the impact on my kids, and tired of being an emotional punching bag. 

    I honestly have no idea what I can do to a) keep my own mental health together so that I can be there for my kids, b) help my partner through this detoxing if that is what is going to happen, and c) move forward if they don't reengage with mental health care. Nothing i do/say, including ultimatums, has any impact. 

  • Do ADHD people understand how others think? by: still-exhausted 10 months 2 weeks ago
  • ADHD or OCD ? ( or both ? ) by: J 10 months 2 weeks ago

    A while back on this forum, it was mentioned that sometimes, folks with ADHD can be very fastidious, neat, tidy and organized. I for one...have been the type that has struggled ( life long )  with clutter, disorganization of my living spaces, not cleaning messes, not picking up as I go, not folding clothes and putting then away, dropping things where they land ( all over ) and generally speaking...I've been a mess! I might be what you'd consider a classic ADHD male when it comes to home duties and organization.

    More recently, I've found a partner who also has ADHD, which is my first official ( that I know of ) relationship with someone who knows they have it and is medicated. While I can see it in her in many ways, though she's more introvert / inattentive and I'm more hyperactive/ extrovert, the biggest difference between our inherent tendencies is she's immaculately clean and fastidious about the household.  She's exceptionally good at organizing and decorating and keeps a very well kept, clean,  tidy home. To the point, beyond what I see as average. Above average for sure!  Which definitely keeps me on my toes and I've had to learn very quickly to up my game and follow her lead in order to keep things copacetic between us. I'm proud to say, I've really done a good job all things considered.  The best I've ever done in my entire life.

    There's only been one person in my life who I can compare to in the neat and tidy department and that was my mom. She was out of control in her cleaning habits at times and I always thought of her as OCD. She also, I'm more than a little sure, had undiagnosed ADHD which is where I got it. I also suspect one of my sisters having ADHD as well but she's more like me by nature.

    So having said all of that, I'm now wondering? Is this still ADHD I'm seeing in my partner? Or is it more OCD? Do ADHD people sometimes go completely to the other end of the neat and tidy organized spectrum and it still being ADHD, or is this a comorbid OCD / ADHD combination type diagnosis? This would also help explain my mother which I've always been curious about as well.  I would appreciate any input on thus subject especially for me because it's very relevant to my partner.

    J

  • Letting Go by: Noo92 10 months 2 weeks ago

    I ended my relationship of 7 years, 5 months ago - after years of a parent-child dynamic, an incident of infidelity, and several incidents of painful impulsive behaviours. 

    The next logical step in our relationship would have been children which he wanted. But after feeling unsupported and unequal for many years and a series of impulsive incidents over the summer including drink driving - I began to feel as though I couldn't trust my ex to be reliable if we were to start a family. 

    We sought couples therapy but at this point, there was a lack of awareness that undiagnosed ADHD might be at play. And despite my ex-partner's efforts during this time; completing a build to store the equipment he hoards, helping more around the house, and cutting down on drinking I had become so angry and resentful that I couldn’t see his attempts to repair the relationship issues and after cancelling another pre-arranged plan in favour of something he preferred, I ended the relationship as I was feeling desperate and lonely.

    My ex-partner is a truly amazing person at his core; deeply creative, funny, mischievous, playful, gentle, and sweet. However, he also struggles with some destructive ADHD traits particularly explosive anger, hoarding, low-self esteem, and addiction/self-medication. I have been in therapy since the breakup and have begun to unpack that ADHD might have been the cause of some of the more painful aspects of our relationship. This coupled with reading Melissa’s book has resulted in me feeling deep grief that we may have been misunderstanding each other over the years and I am beginning to recognise my role. Due to owning our property together, we have not yet been able to physically separate which has been even more difficult. 

    With this newfound understanding of the impact of ADHD on relationships, I am feeling as though I want to jump back in and seek specialist support to see if this might heal the dysfunction. However, I am also aware that this would require my ex-partner to want to seek help and a diagnosis which up until this point he hasn’t expressed much interest in. I have recently found out that I have the opportunity to start again in my own place if we can sell our house but I am finding it hard to let go, selling feels so final but this limbo is also excruciating. Particularly, having begun to recognise the common ADHD relationship patterns we were falling into. 

    Does anyone have any advice on how I am feeling? Whether I should let go, or take the opportunity to leave finally and perhaps look at rekindling once he is ready to face the potential issue. 

    I am struggling to focus on anything but this currently and I am exhausted

  • I think this is making me ill by: honestly 10 months 3 weeks ago

    We stumbled into ADHD just a few weeks ago. Until then it was understood in our marriage that I was a very critical, negative person. None of my friends would recognize this portrait of me at all (I have asked!) but this is what he'd say about me and to me. Until very recently I was really trying to make things work. I'd try to be more generous, kinder, tolerant, not complain about the stuff he didn't do and the work it landed on me. I'd try not to annoy him. I prioritized him and his needs so much. When things were bad, I'd try to devise clear and simple ways of making things better, but he'd not stick to them. I felt lonely, ignored, and that when I brought stuff up it was dismissed as part of what was wrong with me. I felt that I really must be a horrible person. Meanwhile I'd brought up our kids mostly by myself - while he hyper-focused, I now understand, on work (I work too). Things had got pretty bad. I'm not the kind of person to share this kind of thing even with my closest friends - it feels like disloyalty - so I was on my own with it. We tried couples therapy. It was horrendous - I felt like I was a monster, complaining about this charming, twinkly, busy, successful man in the therapist's office. I barely recognized him as the same person who was snarling at me, ignoring me, or hurt and offended over nothing and demanding affirmation from me at home. Then my partner came upon something online, followed it up, and now here we are with him self-diagnosed with ADHD. He is pursuing a proper diagnosis and probably medication. He's quite shaken by the possibility that he might have, as he says, 'something wrong with him', though I don't see it as that - I just see it as an explanation of all the tiny wounds over the years, that I struggled to get over, but he could so readily move on from. Meanwhile something is definitely wrong with me. I have hypertension and it has been getting worse; it's caused by stress. My meds have been upped and upped and I've made all the lifestyle changes and it's still not under control, so I'm now at a high risk of stroke and heart attack. And now he has a condition, and is exploring it, and seeking treatment (including talking therapy with is at least in part about how critical and negative I have been to him) I am expected to continue to manage his symptoms and my reactions to them, because they are 'symptoms'. He doesn't seem that concerned about my physical health, or that I am at genuine risk of serious harm. I don't mean to be melodramatic - that's just true. I thought I came here with questions but now I'm looking back over this and realizing I don't have questions. I just needed to share with people who might understand.

  • Totally exhausted by: Swedish coast 10 months 3 weeks ago

    Dear all, now it seems this post-divorce blues has turned into some kind of hibernation. I'm so exhausted. Life seems to be over. I can't fathom ever feeling enthusiastic about anything, dragging myself out of bed and to work every day.

    Is this depression? I'm too weary to find out. Normally I'd go for exercise and such. Now all I want is to lie still under woolly plaids all day.

    ADD really seems to have made sad leftovers of me.

    How long has it taken you to regain some strength after divorce? 

  • xxx by: signeals 10 months 3 weeks ago
  • RSD by: Starlight123 10 months 3 weeks ago

    How do you handle ADHD partners RSD moments. My partner has very severe RSD reactions to very minor things which would not effect someone without RSD. They get very emotional, angry, mean and although the majority of the time I haven't done anything I end up having to apologise. 
     

    The episodes are getting more frequent. And I find it very difficult to cope with. They wouldn't speak to anyone else in the manner they speak to me. It's like RSD means they can behave how they like and it's ok because it's an RSD outburst. 
     

    onr minute they can be telling me how much they love me and the next they are triggered and won't speak.It's causing me a lot of hurt and upset. I understand it's RSD. But it comes out of nowhere. I try hard not to trigger them. But sometimes I just think maybe I am not the right person for them. 
     

    They can be lovely, caring and supportive and struggle with ADHD big time. But the RSD occasions are hard to handle and are very emotionally draining. 
     

    Any tips on dealing with an ADHD partners outbursts would be most appreciated. 

     

  • Ghosted and Divorced by: notanarcissist 10 months 3 weeks ago

    Hi all- I feel like I may be a rarity as I am the spouse with ADHD. Although, the more I learn the more I think perhaps we both had it. 
     

    I've been with my wife for five years. I loved her from the minute I saw her. I swear I knew I was meant to spend my life with this girl. Not in the normal adhd way but in the real way. We were long distance for a few months when she needed to take time off work due to her anxiety. I was in school and able to go where she was and help her figure it all out. I was there for her every time she needed me with her anxiety. Through periods of agoraphobia, driving all over the country to see her friends since she wouldn't fly. If she asked me for anything it was hers. That's the beauty of adhd.  My heart and love couldn't be bigger. I left love notes  and coffee when I left for work 3-4 times a week. We always talked. Went on dates. We did everything the books say to. Our only downfall was the one or two times a month we would fight we would not communicate well. I never yelled. Neither did she. But it would somehow escalate to her having a panic attack. I admit I wasn't the best communicator. I could've done better to listen and validate her. But I never wanted her to hurt. 
     

    We married in September  shortly after she began accusing me of being abusive. If I would share my experience I was gaslighting her. If I shared an emotion she felt I was mirroring her to make her go insane. She called me manipulative and controlling. Each time she did I assumed it was anxiety and the. We would apologize and I would forget it ever happened. Again that's the beauty of adhd. I'm great at forgive and forget. She was not. She let it build to resentment. 
     

    Just before Thanksgiving she left for her parents for a vacation. Then she texted me and said she wasn't coming home. Naturally I had a normal adhd meltdown calling and texting. I sent more texts than I am proud of but in my defense the rug had been pulled out from under me. It was very traumatic and I believe she had an emotional affair going on. 
     

    she never spoke to me after that. She promised therapy or to talk to me "next week" for two months. Then I found out she filed a divorce. She enacted a safety plan and blocked me on every form of communication (even linked in which seems to hurt the most). She had everyone we were friends with block me as welll. Nobody will speak to me. Everyone thinks I am abusive. I'm pretty sure she has decided im a narcissist. I'm 100% distraught. I love her more than I love myself. I love her so genuinely I cannot even wrap my mind around how this is happening. I assume it's her anxiety and paranoia. I spent months trying to figure out what I did to deserve it. I read Melissa's book and learned the experience of spouses of people with adhd and I developed so much compassion. I started therapy weekly and got two coaches. I'm hyper focused on learning about relationships so naturally I've read 39 books and listened to every relationship podcast I can find.

     

    still she is accusing me of harassing her. Now I can only communicate through the lawyer or she will file a restraining order or something. We aren't even in the same state. I never was told she was divorcing me or why. Never got a chance to fix it. Never got a chance to share my side. I'm not abusive. I am a nurse, was a teacher, a missionary. I pick up earthworms off the concrete so they don't suffer. I just can't wrap my mind around how someone could think I was abusive.  
     

    is it really that torturous being with somebody with afhd? I feel for her fear but I can't help but think there's a lot of paranoia or her own trauma mixing into this. She hasn't taken any accountability. And it seems she's told everyone I may kill her given the ghosting from everyone we know. 
     

    im so sad and scared. I feel so rejected and alone. I feel discriminated against. I wasn't diagnosed until after this all happened. Now I'm on medication. But she doesn't believe my adhd was even the problem. To her it's just a way for me to reason away the "abuse". What am I suppose to do? She won't let me share my side and I don't know how to cope. 

  • I know my ADHD-husband loves me but... by: BettyHeck 10 months 3 weeks ago

    a bit of a background: Im a non-ADHD partner here. My husband was diagnosed recently and for both of us diagnosis was a relieve more than anything else. There is a desire to work on the symptoms, with meds and coaching so its all is going in the right direction.

    BUT i have just realized that he really thinks its enough to tell me he loves me and live it at that. There are barely any compliments, ever. he is not able to tell me how he would describe me if ever asked. etc etc. I just dont know if this is an ADHD thing or something else.

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