Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • The degree of pain by: Swedish coast 9 months 3 weeks ago

    I'm having a hard time moving on after divorce. It's been four months since my ADD ex-husband moved out, we text about the children but besides that don't communicate.

    Its obvious that the same instant I stopped repairing the relationship, there was no longer a relationship.

    I think he wants things to be normal, meaning me being nice to him. He reaches out occasionally, hoping I'm well, and has offered me coffee at his house when I've come to collect children. I decline since I'm hurt.

    The thing is, I'm in such pain. I'm hurting so much I feel life is over. There is no normal anymore, since what he's done to me is unbearable. He has either forgotten about that, or he ignores it since he on his part feels safe around me. I know there will never be closure coming from him.

    It's clear to me now, he's been transgressing my boundaries for a decade. He didn't repair our love and trust, I always had to do it. It's like the full blast of this accumulated hurt has exploded on me when I finally gave up on our marriage. It's pain on a scale I've rarely felt.

    I grieve my entire life as an adult, the losses in every aspect of life, the injustice. The lack of understanding from certain people around us. Nobody but me has actually seen his massive dysfunction. And everyone sees him as a responsible and gentle person. Even those who believe me would have a hard time imagining the emotional outbursts, headless demands and illogical cruelties of his RSD.

    Everyone now expects me to lead the way to reconciliation. I'm supposed to erase the conflict so the children don't suffer from it. I'm the one holding a grudge. He either is untroubled, or pretends to be in order to gain something.

    It's I who suffer for not repairing. By sitting on my hands I let his hurtful words and actions define the end of our long years together. 

    But what to do? I physically cannot make another repair attempt. They are all spent, as is my patience with him. And I cannot pretend someone who has treated me like this is my friend. It's just humiliating.

    When will this pain ever end? 

  • I did it! by: Dagmar 9 months 3 weeks ago

    We separated. I've mentioned here before that 5 years ago, I stopped overcompensating for him and the result was that everything in our lives are falling apart now, because he didn't pick up the slack.   We had a bad week with a perfect storm of all our issues and I asked for a separation.   First, he chose the path of least resistance in a conflict, which was going against me, even though he had agreed with me on what needed to happen.  Then he made a terrible financial decision that I had asked him to find out more information about before he did it.   I told him he needed to figure out a budget.  I told him to get a spreadsheet, and list all of our debts and monthly payments.  He agreed.  Then he spent the evening "managing my expectations,"  looking up salary ranges and insurance costs.  While he was doing this, I was getting more and more frustrated.  I told him that we couldn't do anything until we knew what was coming in and what was going out and it was time he understood what that looked like.   He wouldn't budge.  Later he said he was stuck in a loop.   But as the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.  He showed me that no matter what I said and did, he still expected me to do all the hard stuff.  

    He moved in with his mother, who actually does need looking after.   That was another issue we had. His mother is really old and probably shouldn't be living on her own and he just wasn't doing anything about it.  It has been killing me not to take that on, but the woman has four children. There's no reason I should be the one to step in. 

    We've had a lot of breakthroughs - he was complaining that his stomach was bothering him and I described how he felt.  He was surprised I knew.  I said "That's stress.  I've felt like that every day for years." 
    He has started looking for a new job.  He applied to 15 jobs in the first week and agreed that it was more jobs than he'd ever applied for the entire time we've been together (which included years-long periods of unemployment). 
    He told the marriage counselor that he was getting mixed signals from me because I kept answering questions with "I don't care, do what you want."  Marriage counselor said "I think she's saying that she wants you to make your own decisions," and it was like a lightbulb went off!  He didn't realize that before?!  I mean, I knew I made all the major decisions, but I didn't know he was relying on me for EVERY decision.  (Not that he would go along with them - I'd make the decision and then he'd decide afterwards if he wanted to do that or not.)

    So things were good for a while.  We were getting along.  His mom was getting help.  But we didn't make a clean break.  It's been about a month now and he's been spending four days a week at our house.  All for legitimate reasons - the kids had an event, or he had to work from home because his car was in the shop and his mom doesn't have wifi.   However, we're falling back into old routines. Not good. 

    I started expressing my concerns that now it was like he was a guest in our house - I was doing everything, and he was just hanging around.   This was the opposite of what I was trying to accomplish. 

    Then this week, he overslept.  This was always a huge issue with us, but hasn't been in the last 5 years because he had to get up 2 hours earlier than I did, and so he could finally learn to do it on his own.  I wasn't even angry when I woke him up, but that was the kick in the pants he needed to realize he was letting me take over again.  He left again.  That was good. 

    I don't know what is going to happen.  I don't know if I should make this a cleaner break or not, but things are moving in a better direction.




     

  • Non partner support group + book - anyone feel they helped? by: Off the roller ... 9 months 3 weeks ago

    Anyone here who can share their experience of being the non-ADHD and if reading the book and doing the non-ADHD partner support group helped them in the long run? And I'm not talking about if it saved your marriage or relationship....I'm talking about for YOU specifically. Did it help you get to a better place for yourself and perhaps a knock on effect was your kids? And creating a better environment for them too? 

    Essentially, I have the book (haven't been able to read it yet because my therapist was like 'tread carefully') and I'm considering the partner support group - I can tell that I really need the tailored, non- support communities as I refuse to do the work on the marriage bc he's not doing it. |But it's affecting my son and ultimately, I have to still work on myself. Even if I left tomorrow, I'd still feel this anger and hurt and upset because of everything. 

    We just got back from a lovely trip away that was slightly marred by our triggers and responses and it's clear to me that I have more work to do on my own. 

    It's been a few of those days where my judgment is so clouded by hurt, frustration and confusion and want to choose a path to work on it, but would like to know more information about those paths (i.e if I'm gonna spend the money on that support group, I'd like to make sure that I get something out of it for ME and me alone) 

  • Explosions of extreme Anger in my partner, and my despair by: FrustratedSpouse 9 months 3 weeks ago

    I just joined this forum after my adult daughter was diagnosed ADHD and shared info that made me think that my husband is ADHD.  Classic ADHD/non-ADHD marraige... 35 years (plus 7 years of dating before that.  My husband is a creative and lovely person who, to the outside world, is the utmost gentleman; life together has been a series of roller coaster rides where, when I ask for more participation in family responsibilities like managing finances, planning for retirement, shopping and household projects that require planning, the conversation devolves into glaring at me, defensiveness, physical expressions of anger(towards things, not towards me) and threats to leave me. Last fall, his anger came out in the workplace and he was fired by a long time client.  He doesn't really think he did anything wrong in that situation, because he "didn't swear, didn't direct anger directly at the supervisor", but he did storm out.  I realize that this is probably what I experience from him, and he has no idea how abusive it feels.  I think this behavior was modeled for him growing up.  I am fearful of talking about important things because I fear it will devolve into extreme behavior.  As a side note-- his parents have both asked me to handle the responsibilities of being a trustee/executor, one for a Special Needs trust for a disabled brother; the other was to be executor of my mother in law's estate.  Mother in law had a stroke 3 years ago so I became her POA and financial manager; Father in law just passed, and in addition to the grief, I now have full responsibility for managing the Special Needs Trust.  All because I am the "capable" one.  I'm "good at these things".  I just want to scream...  We are finally getting couples counseling and I have mentioned the idea of getting screened for ADHD but no action so far. 

  • Failed relationship, recent break up by: lana25 10 months 1 day ago

     

    Hello everyone. I recently found this site due to starting dating an ADHD man. Well, dating would be quite an optimistic description. That´s why I ended up on this site and oh my did I recognize myself and him in almost every post. He is officially un diagnosed and has mentioned a couple of times that he probably has this ’shit’ (his word for referring to ADHD). He is absolutely the hyperactive type, something that I have never seen in my life before. Did a few iron man, always on the go, always working, always on the screen, always stressed, restless, on edge, very successful professionally. Really different from anyone i have ever met before. And that´s why I fell for him. Could be so sweet and charming and the chemistry between un was undeniable. He did mention though that he had been diagnosed with epilepsy and is quite reactive, impulsive and stressed most of the times, is prone to anxiety, depression and has zero tolerance for negative feedback. I noticed pretty soon that it was impossible to have almost any king of commitment or arrangement with him. That started to stress me out as I began to see he was unreliable. In the beginning I tried to rationalize it by the fact that he was legitimately busy. Has two factories, travels a lot internationally, has 2 small kids from previous marriage..

    The relationship was passionate but rocky. He said he has no idea how to integrate a new relationship into his hectic lifestyle, to which I was naive to think that love will help us to get there. Boy was I naive.

    Things started to get stranger. I realized that he was still partly living in the house with his kids and their mother (never married, just a civil arrangement), stating that’s because he owns the house and travels a lot, didn’t have any custody arrangement whatsoever and according to his words, due to his busy schedule, he comes to see them when he can and that’s how it works for him and that he hasn’t had a relationship with their mother for years. His youngest son has some type of neurological disorder and epilepsy.  I myself am divorced as well, and the separation and the divorce was messy, but now I can not imagine staying under the same roof with my ex husband, even if we have an ok relationship post divorce. So all this just seems to me as pretty much an inappropriate, messy situation, with a complete lack of boundaries, rules, order and what not. Basically I understood that he likes to do what he wants, when he wants and how he wants it and everything to be on his terms. 

    He has a pretty severe RSD, the term I got familiar with after researching some of his over the top reactions to pretty regular stuff, may be not the best wording from my part but nothing that warranties blocking/unblocking, catastrophic thinking, threatening break up etc..

    I think I endured pretty heavy stuff on his part, but never reacted in such a way.

    I once raised a legitimate concern about his living arrangement with his family and how uncomfortable I was with that and that it made dating complicated. He had a small flat to himself apart from the house, but was rarely there. His response was to get angry, saying that he never wants to talk about it again, that he feels to be put on the spot and doesn’t want that. And that generally he just wants love and adoration out of this relationship. Otherwise he is not interested. I felt appalled by this and almost left in tears to which in the end he apologized and proposed a trip. We haven´t spoken in 3 weeks, after that i decided to give it one more chance and accepted the trip. (I later realized it was an RSD reaction to my raising a concern)

    The latest episode was about us going on a trip together. He asked me to send him my ‘documents’ so he can get the tickets without stating specifically what information he needs. Not to mention it was all done on the last day, all the while he had mentioned the trip weeks ago. I sent him the part of my ID that clearly shows my name, DOB and everything that is required to buy a ticket. He wrote back that he needs a passport as well since he needs to get some permit (I later found out it was true), we don’t live in the US. Im sad and embarrassed to admit the lack of trust that was apparent between us. I logically new that I had nothing to worry about sending him the copy of my passport. But for some reason I hesitated, since he was always quite secretive and I resented that. In the end I sent him my passport and within a matter of seconds he went off on me that why don’t I go and do it all on my own, the whole trip, since I don’t trust him. And this coming from a man that never formally told me his last name (I later found out by myself) and when we first travelled together he sent me the photo of his boarding pass cutting his name out. Asked for my email to forward me the reservation, but didn’t and sent me a photo on WhatsApp instead. Embarrassing, I know. I am ashamed to acknowledge what I have tolerated and even more so why. I never felt that he was in any way a danger to me, knew where he worked, went to his factory, etc. Its just the whole ADHD thing makes you to allow crazy stuff to happen. Not an excuse for me, but caught me off guard. The attraction between us was just magical and I lost sight of everything else. I know I obviously need to work on my boundaries.

    So now, his last message to me was that he can’t take it any more of how bad I make him feel sometimes and he doesn’t want this type of anger and frustration in his life. That I always question him, see a dark side of everything and generally am negative. That I am welcome to buy and go on a trip by myself using the cut out photo that I sent him, and enjoy a good weather that I detected (he takes offense of even my mentioning the weather, in response to his mentioning the weather, he thinks I am opposing..), and that my way is valid, its just not his way. I was speechless of such an aggressive reaction, but honestly I already kind of got used to it. 

    I also know from his words that he felt the same way about his ex partner and his ex gf, that he was a victim of their mistreatment. 

    I wrote back that It was a shame that he saw so much of the negativity in my attitude towards him, since I actually loved him dearly  in spite of all the mess (He knew I was crazy about him). And that I didn't send him the cut out photo of my ID to offend him, but because it had the information i thought he needed. I do realize why he felt offended though, Since I also felt bad when he cut out his name the first time around. I feel bad and guilty about doing that. And also that after all the accommodations I made for his symptoms, I am finally to blame for the bad treatment and that the relationship won’t work. And above all for the lack of trust. Trust is difficult to build and maintaining when you have to lower your expectations to near zero to avoid the uncontrollable feeling of disappointment..  I know, the same old story on this forum. But feels really hurtful and unfair. I can not imagine how many of you here got married and arrived at decades mark and raised children with people like that. Terrible, sad, heartbreaking experience. I guess my only question is , was I really at fault in this last case that offended him so deeply that I didn’t trust him or is it a form of gaslighting on his part?   I did send him everything he asked for, but he took offense I hesitated. It really hurts to have to end it like that.Thank you for reading. Best wishes to all of you.

  • When I need rest and he goes goes goes by: Sunshine76 10 months 3 days ago

    Hi all - Wondering what is the answer to our current conundrum or what are the boundaries I can set for my needs.

    We have six wonderful kids, all ADHD. I run our household while my husband travels for work so the parent/child dynamic in ADHD marraiges never fits us. But what is the case is my husband is go go go and I have a combined type where i need to rest. We are currently on a school vacation week and for him it is the mecca of the ski season, we have a ski house, and our kids all can ski. However, I need to recoup and rest this week and experiencing him firing things at me about the house, the skis, the kids, the meeting up, is exhausting. I am sitting on the chair lift in the sunshine and he is going through all of the logistics for skiing the next day.I am in the hot tub and he is again going over the logistics. I made a pasta dinner and a few beers in he is critiquing and being overly authoritative to our kids when he has missed half of what is going on and is wrong in his criticism of them. I am so worn out and think I am approaching ADHD burnout. Coming up against my limits is a huge anger trigger for him. I want to skip this trip or coming up north but I really want to spend time with my older kids. Anyone else have a  spouse that runs hot on vacations? Or doesn't allow you to relax? This happens at home on the weekends too. 

  • How do I be different? by: ThereIsNoSpoon 10 months 3 days ago

    I (35M ADHD) and my husband (35M non-adhd) have been together 10 years, 5 married. 

    We have been going through the same issues for years. We have been going up and down in this same cycle for years and we are both at our wits end. 

    Cycle: 

    I do something upsetting, disrespectful, unthoughtful to him.

    He gets mad and depressed and explains exactly how he feels and what I did to be shitty. 

    I understand how he feels and am feeling sad and sorry and empathetic to how he feels and agree that I did something wrong. 

    I then say how I don't want to do that, how I want to be in the future, try to explain my intentions and how "I didn't mean to do that/treat you like that/make you feel that way". 

    He gets angry.. cools down enough to try to make things work.

    I am in panic, hyper focus mode, I am stressed. Trying to Read amd find all info I can to be different. 

    Then things feel like they are getting better, time has passed, we have 'normal' days, we have 'fun' together. 

    I stop working on myself and don't remember what I'm doing. 

    I do the same thing that makes him mad.

    Cycle starts again. 

    This is the basic outline of what happens. 

    I have be n diagnosed about a year ago, have been on medication, have been going to a Cognitive behavioral therapist for a year. Nothing seems to be helping. I get that I can just be me and I'm not trying hard enough. I feel like I am trying, but I need to try differently. 

    Why I suck:

    Sleep in and don't get out of bed = our day's timeline is off and we can't do all we wanted. Lazy. Waste time sleeping all day. 

    Don't plan for things trips, like what we will do throughout the day, I would just wing it.

    Don't remember

    Don't treat him with respect 

    Don't show gratitude and understanding of his sacrifices for something I want. 

    No drive or will power

    No self discipline, he always has to be the moral/responsible one

    Not doing anything to be different, not different. 

    Not choosing him, putting him first. 

    No thought for him when he is away

    Bad with money/saving money long term 

    No hierarchy for topics/importance of things, arguing about little things/off topic/tangents 

    Do not respect boundaries, when he says no I continue to push

    Go on tangents during arguments and poke holes in things he says so I can have a 'win' for more 'right' when it's not what we are talking about even. 

    What do I do? I'm looking for someone to help with my ADHD. Therapist say to see marriage counseling. Idk how that will help? 

    I can have epiphanies every day after a fight but it does not help. I can see why I'm not doing well but I can't seem to recognize or remember in the moment. Like I'll do something and then be like oh shit I messed up and he gets upset and we start the cycle. 

     

    I'm pretty depressed. He is depressed. We are talking about divorce. I feel like I want to not exist anymore. 

  • Time Blindness by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 months 5 days ago

    Fascinating....

    https://add.org/adhd-time-blindness/

  • Help. Please. by: HappierLifeNeeded 10 months 1 week ago

    Is there any tips or tricks I can try to not take my gf's burnout personally.. I feel like I am bearing the brunt of all the negativity at the moment and it is really taking a toll on me. 
     

    I feel like a tiny priority of her life and the resentment I am getting is not making me feel in a good place at all.. I understand that she is overwhelmed, anxious, stressed etc but she does nothing to help herself. 
     

    Am I stuck in this whirlpool.. as this happens 4 times a year minimum and she says our relationship is to blame but our relationship gets strained as she has zero boundaries towards work. It's consuming her life and because of this we have no life but she doesn't acknowledge this she just picks up on when I challenge her regarding being snappy with me.. off with me.. short with me.. 


    Doesn't feel like a life anymore. 
    How do I be a good partner even when pushed to the brink of leaving for my own mental health. 
     

  • Love life? by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 months 1 week ago

    Hey,

    does anyone know how to make their ADHD interested in sex? I feel like having good sex together used to be a project that my husband worked on and then once he finished figuring it out he just...moved on to another interest? I have tried talking to him about this, tried coming on to him, tried wearing sexy/no clothes, tried priming him earlier in the evening that I was in the mood, I have even tried making sex appointments with him. So completely spontaneous through completely planned and just...nothing. He's tired. He's preoccupied with work. Or he is so awkward and weird about it I just don't want to any more because I feel like a sex charity case. It's not a functionality problem, he just doesn't want to. He even said to me he feels satisfied that he could probably go the rest of his life without sex and not care. I'm almost 50, nowhere near being ready for this. I'm so sad and confused. Sometimes he comes onto me, calling me sexy for example, but it's like he just checked off a box he thinks will make me happy and doesn't go any further. Like: compliment wife, check. I don't want a platonic best friend, I want a husband.

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