Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • How he presents by: Swedish coast 12 months 5 hours ago

    Today I almost broke down when I met my ex-husband shortly. Even though I reminded myself what he's done, and kept my boundary. He came at me smiling, kind and glowing.

    So this is who I've divorced. The man whom I've loved for so long. Excuse me, Cantgoback who said the other day that I'm codependent and wrong to call it love. 

    I'm a mess now, crying because by getting rid of the bad, I also lost the good. I almost destroyed myself to sustain the marriage, and it was not because I was stupid or in denial. Not even because I wanted to preserve it for the children, even though that was important. It was because I was attracted to him and preferred him to everyone else. When symptoms allowed me to glimpse him.

    I wish he wouldn't present himself like this, but keep the attitude he's had during divorce. 

    The other day, I met the husband of a friend in town. He knows about my recent divorce. He also has ADHD. The way he showed his sympathy during this brief encounter, made me acutely aware how I connect with him emotionally too. It's weirdly the same. And it's terribly powerful. I think I have it in me, in my original family. ADHD is probably my preference, and it hurts me. How sad is that. I have absolutely no masochistic tendencies. But the wiring seems very unfortunate. 

  • More than just no boots on the ground - no real ideas by: brindle2 12 months 22 hours ago

    We are homeowners.  Things need repair.

    Can the very intelligent man that is my husband stop suggesting that his young sons (who of course have no repair experience) fix the problem, without his help or direction?  

    Just had to tell the people who understand the things that are said and done to avoid the boring tasks that adhd brains don't enjoy.  

  • Codependency in adhd/add relationships by: Anonymous (not verified) 12 months 2 days ago
  • Merry Christmas by: ShouldaCouldaWoulda 1 year 2 days ago
  • How do I cope? by: StrugglingToStay 1 year 3 days ago
  • a positive note by: Off the roller ... 1 year 6 days ago

    I was meaning to write this over a week and half ago and my own challenges kept me from doing so - as the non-ADHDers, you know the one I'm talking about: when something good happens, it's really hard to celebrate it bc you know something disappointing is right around the corner. But I thought to myself just now, 'just write the good thing anyways as this might help you and someone else to see that there CAN be joys in this type of marriage'. 

    So that's what I'm doing.... last couple of weeks have been difficult as we navigate this and we aren't really connected or working together or even really talking, we are cordial and nice to each other (kinda) but it's not what I want in a marriage. However, it got particular bad for me internally and I'm doing the work wiht a therapist about myself and boundaries and I really felt that the come-2-jesus talk was coming up and that I was more aware of what my ultimatium would be; esentially that he needs to get help for his ADHD. 

    ...here's where the joy comes in... would you believe that on the day he was due to go for an appointment about his depression, anxiety and ADHD and medication that he's been on, he took the initiative to actually TALK to me, just me and him (which never happens), and asked me questions about how i felt about how he was doing. He encouraged me to be honest and tell the truth - I struggle with this bc his moods just are too roller coaster-ey to stand strong in what I am feeling/thinking/believing, so I stopped sharing them bc it's just easier (I know, not a great dynamic) - and I DID and he got upset a few times but then actually calmed down and took what I said on board and said that he doesn't have to agree with it but he needed my perspective. 

    And then he had a good session with the doctor and they have finally decided to treat the ADHD and he's starting medication for it specifically in the new year. I couldn't be happier as it's progress (but struggling with the fact of how this process has happened but that's for another time) and really hoping that while I know it might take a while to stick, at least this is moving forward in some way. 

    Wanted to share!  

  • Boundaries for passivity by: Swedish coast 1 year 1 week ago

    Use of boundaries in ADHD relationships is still a mystery to me.

    How are boundaries helpful in a marriage when the intrusive behavior they're meant to protect from, is passivity?

    I could state I don't accept doing more than my share of housework. If my partner doesn't do his part, I have to choose between living in filth or do it anyway. It's the same with everything else: either wait a lifetime, or push ahead and do something to improve life, and resent the surge in workload that choice produces. Because ambition
    means more work, but you were already prepared to step in whenever your spouse failed to do their agreed part, and so your workload was ridiculous to begin with.

    Of course, if there are no children involved, it's possible for a spouse to choose to spend more nights out or seek other company. But when you are tied firmly to the home by children's needs? Is it really possible to make boundaries that make you not notice the stinking garbage under the sink?

    I think I haven't understood this. Still I know there are people who make boundaries and thrive by them.

     

  • Anyone any experience with threats to self harm and harm none adhd partner? by: Forgotten Person 1 year 2 weeks ago
  • Staying calm with ADHD spouses frustration by: lauraca1 1 year 2 weeks ago

    I am seeking healthier ways to handle my ADHD partners frustration. His frustration tolerance is especially low after work, even with a "booster." His tone with me is often frustrated. It's something he struggles with in his family of origin with his sisters and past coworkers as well. He's worked on it and his work situation is actually quite healthy now but we are struggling at home. I'm going through my own health issues and having peri menopausal rage at times that I'm working on. If I'm at that time in my cycle, it's a perfect storm and we just can't seem to not react out of frustration with one another...it's usually me getting upset with him hearing his tone. Then he plays the victim and says, "well I'm always the problem, so I'll shut up so I don't offend you." Am I part of the problem when I get upset by his tone with me or do I need to be more compassionate? I don't know where to draw the line and how to communicate how I feel when he just plays the victim and doesn't really truly get it. Thank you for your input!

  • Ignoring all the scooting around etc - how to? by: bb1471 1 year 3 weeks ago

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