Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Getting unstuck by: Off the roller ... 8 months 1 week ago

    Non here. I've posted a few times and have found this community to be quite helpful - even if it means turning the mirror on myself and learning my part that I'm participating in.  

    At the moment, I'm so very stuck. Very stuck. And it feels heavy and it feels like an onslaught from every side from my ADHD husband (who is NOT managing his symptoms or facing up to his realities or responsibilities). I'm just so very exhausted, let down and disappointed. And to make matters worse, he's made a statement/declaration that he decided that was his to make but it wasn't - and it actually really affects the rest of us very much and I'm angry, worried and stressed about it bc I don't and won't accept his choice. But I don't know how to even begin to address it. His birthday is coming up and I find myself constantly choosing to 'keep the peace' instead of having these hard conversations because they are so exhausting. 

    I'm currently reading Melissa's book, I've signed up for the non-adhd partner support group starting on the 29th, I'm working on myself - which includes the good and the hard. For the good, I'm eating healthy, getting good sleep, doing things I enjoy, I work out, I travel, I connect and have community with everyone BUT my spouse. And that's a hard thing for me to face. For the hard stuff, I'm in therapy, I'm facing my own triggers of a childhood with an undiagosed parent who was so emotionally disregulated it probably changed my personality, I'm taking steps to know where I am at in this marriage in case I decide to leave, I'm working on my boundaries..... the list goes on. 

    But I feel stuck. Still stuck. 

    I have made myself a personal commitment that I WON'T be in this state when I turn a milestone age next year and I ABSOLUTELY won't be in this 5 years from then. And I am taking steps towards helping me to figure out if I stay or go. 

    But during all this, I feel so stuck still. That I'm not making progress. That I'm not actually moving forward. I get sucked back in to my anger - which I know is of my choosing - when my spouse and I engage in our toxic circular behaviours. I totally believe he is oblivious to the pain, hurt and chaos he has caused. I am working on seeing what my role is in some of it - but definitely not when it comes to his actions...only my reactions and hat I can control only. 

    How do I become unstuck? Will I feel joy or happiness any time soon? I feel so down and miserable each day. Like I have such a hard journey ahead of me and it feels never ending. I have a trip booked soon and I'm looking forward to that and I feel like I have to engage in keeping the peace so that nothing ruins my trip bc if I don't get to go, I'll be so sad and I will feel so worse. 

  • Is this an emotional affair? by: alphabetdave 8 months 1 week ago

    I made a new friendship and I'm genuinely unsure whether it should be considered an emotional affair or not - what's the line between emotional affair and new best friend?

    I'm the ADHDer in my marriage. I don't make friends easily - to be more precise, I'm generally pretty good at being sociable with people (when social battery allows) but I really struggle to "convert people to friends" - a part of this is that I'll willingly socialise with people in pre-established contexts (work etc) but when it comes to actually asking people for their time, I always feel "not enough of a friend" to ask, or too much of a burden. So I mostly just socialise with people in various contexts and never really as "friends for the sake of friends". I have had friends over the years but they've mostly just fallen away as I've moved house, moved job etc, I find it hard to keep up with friends from previous contexts even if they meant a lot to me (this is all very ADHD/ND I realise - and knowing this kind of helps)

    Anyway, this existence without close friends was the context in which my marriage existed for a long time, and it's hard. We've not been in a great place - we're still not in that good of a place, and when it's your whole social world the lows are especially low and the struggles with the effect of undiagnosed ADHD on our marriage wreacked havoc. We do love each other but, it got to the point where I'd just stopped trying - because it felt like effort just caused more arguments and that made them particularly hurt. I mostly just retreated into myself, played video games and took up a particularly bad habit as self medication (not how I understood it at the time, but looking back this makes sense) - I don't want to name the bad havbit but just for info it has nothing at all to do with infidelity (just clarifying because, that would colour this post a bit wouldn't it lol). In turn my partner did basically all the organising, all of the typical work a non ADHD spouse ends up forced to pick up, while getting little to no support from me. We were both pretty miserable. There were high points, but the overall tone was "this can't last" - and every so often I'd make a genuine attempt to change, but it only ended in frustration and me hiding away again

    So anyway, last year I finally started taking my ADHD seriously again (long story there), part of the effect of which, was connecting with ADHD peer support groups, and my mind was blown when I suddenly started meeting people who actually understood how my brain works, because theirs does - and the shame. There are a bunch of people in these groups who I loosely consider friends, but there's one who I just hit it off with and we kind of both hyperfixated on each other as friends for a bit, to the point that now we consider each other best friends. There was a little while where my spouse was unaware of my new best friend, but it wasn't particularly long, and a lot of the reason for this wasn't that I considered it a "secret", more, my own social awkwardness made it really hard to talk about my new friend, particularly knowing the state our marriage was in. But I did have an absolute solid rule, that I was not going to meet 1:1 with this new friend (we actually knew each other at first via a facebook group) until i'd told my spouse about them. Making a new friend wasn't really something I'd intended to do and wasn't intending to keep it a secret, but IMO this would have crossed the line to inappropriate secrecy. So I told my spouse, and to this day I've never done anything with my friend that they didn't know about.

    I'm confused and unsure because a lot of what the blog post on emotional affairs says, kind of sounds like my experience with my best friend. They're ridiculously easy to talk to and feel safe. I enjoy spending time with them and actively try to. I'd even say I love them but, in a way that feels like siblingship rather than romance or sexuality. They support me through hard times and I do the same back

    But, the net effect on my marriage is I'm actually putting more effort in. I'm not running away from my spouse to spend time with my best friend. I've actually found it easier to keep the effort going rather than just give up and feel rubbish about myself, because I actually have friends now. I do make mistakes - occasionally I plan to do things with my best friend and leave it until the last moment to tell my spouse - but not because it's secret, because it feels hard to bring up. I'm an awkward person. My spouse doesn't suspect anything is going on that they don't know about (and there's not) but they do get jealous at how easily I get on with my best friend/the attention I give them despite the fact that I've genuinely been trying a lot more in our marriage too.

    I don't know if this makes any sense. I've made the best friend I've made in years, the sort I think would have really helped in the early days of struggle in my marriage, and I really don't want to give that up

  • Adrenaline nightmare by: BurnedOutLady 8 months 2 weeks ago

    I have posted here before. And here I am again. On the merry go round. The roller coaster. Actually I am sitting on my toilet too tired to get up and go lie on the bed and type this. Sorry if that is TMI. I have just ended a totally exhausting few days with ADHD H. We live and work together. We are 100% enmeshed. 13 years now. And I do not see any possible way of ending this, or really of changing it. There are moments when it is a little better. Some leveling out. But whenever there is some kind of big event we must do, the ADHD kicks in and his pathological refusal to do things in a timely manner once again wins the day. And it doesn't matter how I try to manage. Because clearly, clearly, he just WANTS that adrenaline rush of last.minute crazy rushing. Everyone in his orbit is stressed out and burned out because of it but he will not, on pain of death, ever do it differently. If he does it differently, it will be maybe 60%, leaving the other 40% to the last minute. And he will of course get angry and defensive and point to the 60% as if the other 40% doesn't exist. Because it doesn't, for him! He doesn't see it. He literally cannot and will not see what needs to be done until it's the last minute. Then the adrenaline kicks in and he's running around like crazy and getting in my way and trying to control everything and not listening to me. He asks me to make lists, but he won't read them. I've been through this countless times, it's always the same, and I just really want to tear my hair out and cry. I don't believe he can change. It's so embarrassing to me that I know people see me going crazy with him. This isn't how I want to be. Now, in the aftermath of the event, he knows I'm angry and I can tell he's somewhat contrite and aware that he fucked up. Because at the end it was just exhausting for everyone including him to try to get a million details done in one day that should have been done in a week. But the next time this comes up it will be the same. 

    Maybe all the non-ADHD spouses here should start a commune or something ....

  • First Post - ADHD Wife by: HusbandTryingToLearn 8 months 2 weeks ago

    Alright, this is going to be a bit of a ramble, but, painting the picture.

    husband and wife 38/37 - 4 kids (10 (also ADHd), 8, 5, 1) - ADHD wife

    So, I'm at a little bit of a loss here. My wife was diagnosed about 2 years w/ ADHD which was no surprise to either of us. It was a "yeah, that makes sense" type of diagnosis. 
     
    jumping right in; the rage and anger are absolutely out of control. She's tried a few meds, vyvanse worked for a while, then became too expensive, so about a month ago doc prescribed aderral xr, and it worked, but, she's also nursing and the correlation between her starting that and our babies sleep was a direct correlation. So, she stopped and the rage wowowow! How long does this last?

    ok, this isn't as eloquent as I would've liked it to be, but, my first post. I'm hoping to learn of others experiences with this.

  • Casting off fear.... by: c ur self 8 months 2 weeks ago

    Just a note....For 16 years I've been the person, (bill payer, grocery shopper, reminder, intimacy initiator, lost article search committee, cook, house cleaner, dish washer, abandoned spouse, etc, etc, etc,) I know many of you understand....Well after 16 years I'm done attempting to be two people...I've never felt better...Because I think I know what is going to happen, my fear has kept me trudging along....But, I am tired, and I'm done....I have vowed with in my own heart to just STOP being anything but what God calls husbands to be....We will see what comes back......If nothing comes back there will be nothing....At this point, I am fine with that...I think I deserve a spouse who care's, who has correct priorities, who isn't a victim about being what she vowed to be....I am just tired...Love is both a noun and verb...It takes both...

    c

  • ADHD study: Sensory Sensitivity by: YoeYoe 8 months 2 weeks ago

    In recent years, growing research into sensory profiles has led to improved diagnosis of various psychopathologies and their associated symptoms, such as sensitivity to strong smells, bright lights, or the sound of chalk scratching on a chalkboard. This is the area in which my fellow students and I plan to conduct further research, and we could greatly benefit from your help!

    The more participants we have, the more validated our research will be. So, do you have 45-60 minutes to spare? Not only would we appreciate it, but future research efforts would as well.

    https://maastrichtuniversity.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8D5xVcCUcfUuxpk

  • Flagging the drinking problem by: Off the roller ... 8 months 3 weeks ago

    Anyone here have experience for their ADHD partner having a drinking problem on top of everything else?  And it's not that they might drink a lot, per say, its what happens when they DO drink - no matter how sporadically. And they blame you for their 'not going out with their friends' because to them, they think YOU are the problem and that you don't want them to have any fun. But in realtiy, you've realised (in fact, it's a rather light bulb moment for me here today) that their stress, anxiety, diagnosis and depression has them so wound tightly that their only release (in their opinion of course, god forbid if they exercise, try to get better sleep, or eat decent food of course bc that's clearly NOT the problem) is to have a few drinks once in a while with friends, family or on their own, but they don't do it anymore because you just yell at them or have a problem with it the next day. 

    And on the other side of it, the person your partner becomes when they drink is horrible and vile. They said terrible things to you and treat you in ways that you were sure you would never be treated - but they don't want to hear how they've hurt you so badly for these times. They just want to do what they want to do and have their fun. 

    I have realised that I don't have clear boundaries for myself, let alone communicated them in any way but it feels like an ultimatium is on the cards because I've put up with too much. 

    But I'm wondering if others have gone through similar. Those who have ADHD and maybe realised their drinking was part of the problem...how did you realise this? Was it yourself? A partner putting the foot down? And for those of us nons....this is really new territory for me. I don't have the same relationship with alcohol, didn't grow up with alcohol and it's only becoming clear to me now that this can not continue. 

  • ADHD Radar by: Haveaniceday 8 months 3 weeks ago

    Has anyone else noticed that their ADHD person reacts strangely to other ADHD'ers?

    I've noticed a pattern where my H and child are both very hostile amd contemptuous of certain people they meet, and a ittle further down the line, these people are usually the ones with some neurodiversity too.

    I wonder if those people somehow threaten them? Or if they're worried their cover will be blown, or if its dysregulated emotion because they feel destabilised around others like them? Thoughts?

  • Am I too late... by: Grapejuice 8 months 3 weeks ago

    I'll try to keep this short. I've been in a long distance relationship with someone for two years (we used to work together years ago before he moved away). He has ADHD. Things were great, and as I realise now from reading this forum, I was the centre of his hyper fixation for the first few months. He then gradually toned it down and although we were still super close and he was always incredibly caring etc, he would take a week or so to initiate contact after the first year, he would get very stressed about all the millions of things he had to do just as part of daily living. But when he did initiate, he was always extremely loving.

    6 months ago, I began asking him for reassurance on our relationship, and I initiated contact a lot more. This was due to my own mild OCD issues. This stressed him out and he told me so, that he felt like he was being crowded when he already had a lot on his plate. I tried to back down, I left it days without contact to show him that I validated how he felt and to give him space.

    But when we did talk, I felt he had started to emotionally detach. He would tell me that things are fine in his head, but i could see that this was where our relationship started to take a tumble. The more he detached, the more I grasped at straws, trying to remind him of what we had, of things he promised or said, etc and it culminated in a big argument last week where he said I was giving him too much stress, he couldn't cope with being reminded of things he had said, or demands for his attention, I was getting on his nerves with my questions seeking reassurance, etc. I apologised to him and tried to explain my feelings of the situation while saying that I appreciated his honesty that I didn't mean to cause so much stress. He didn't reply (kind of expected), and it's been just over a week now.

    I've decided to pull back and give him his much needed space. I have been doing a lot of reading about adhd in the mean time and have now opened my eyes to some of the struggles he must be going through and how my communication approach has likely added to these and stressed him out. I deeply regret not looking into this sooner and trying to understand him and his needs.

    I have decided to go "no contact" for a month to work on myself, how I can better communicate and validate others feelings. However, I'm also slightly worried that during this period, with his lack of time awareness and distractions, he will forget about me. He has always been there emotionally when I need him the most, apart from currently avoiding my need for reassurance when I feel he distances himself. I want him to know that I am taking his feelings seriously and want to try to make things work between us. I'm just worried that if I initiate contact soon, and explain this to him, he will see this as an attempt to get into another long emotionally charged deep conversation which he finds difficult, and will back off again. Do I wait for him to contact me... and then act like normal? Try to carry on and rebuild our relationship? If I say nothing, will he forget me? Am I too late in validating his feelings? So many questions, I'm just really struggling right now, he is so worth fighting for.

  • "I sat with my anger long enough by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 months 1 day ago

    ...until she told me her real name was grief."

    - C.S. Lewis

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