Hi, I am undiagnosed ADHD, my son is diagnosed and we are the same person. My wife and I have had issues in our marriage for years and have broken up and re-engaged twice, it looks like we are now going to split for a 3rd time and I am devastated, more so because she gave me this book and reading it has made me realise all the things I am guilty of, that I was unaware of, that has both had a massive effect on my wife's mental health and on our marriage. What I can't forgive myself for is the damage I have done to her mentally, even though I was unaware. My question to you all is... Should I let her go so she can go, meet someone else and hopefully enjoy the rest of her life, or do I get a diagnosis, start medication and fight for her? I'm not sure I have much of a chance as she has already said that I have once again ruined our marriage with my behaviour, but if there is a chance do I fight for her or let her go...

I'm new and have a question here for anyone who's thought about this. I'd be really grateful to know what conclusion you came to and what your thought process was.

I'm a non adhd spouse and we have three young children. My husband was recently diagnosed and has tried medication, which helped but didn't magically resolve everything, but has recently been stopped due to medication shortages. He's just started seeing a therapist who specialises in adhd. I will say it took him six years to get a diagnosis after I initially told him I think he has adhd. He is not as extreme as some I have read on this forum. He is a wonderful father in the moment and can hold down a decent job, but basically can't contribute much beyond that to parenting or the household - or to supporting me and my own needs (though at least he sees he's not and wants to). He also has typical adhd emotional dysregulation stuff - not aggressive but hyper sensitive and can have big emotional reactions to small things, a sense of urgency they dont really require. I also have a demanding career which is important to me. He accepts his adhd (in theory) and is deeply sorry for what it puts on me and doesn't want things to be that way. But he almost never recognises the symptoms in the moment and will get very angry and upset if I point anything out. It's almost like being married to two different people. I feel I'm often left trying to help him manage his emotions in a way I don't want to do (I'm very aware of a parent-child dynamic, but like others on this forum this can be hard to step away from when you have children because of the consequences). I do this partly because I want to help him but tbh a big reason is to minimise the impact of his negative emotional reactions on everything else (because often I'm spinning many plates already when he'll unexpectedly get upset about something).

I have my own things to deal with from childhood that I am seeing a therapist for. They recently advised that I am so overwhelmed and burnt out that they think I am not in place to open things up and deal with them. That was a wake up call for me - that going on as I have may cost me fundamental things I need as a person. And really sad. 

Close friends I have confided in have said they see me looking burnt out, that I don't have the spark I used to and that they are worried about me. Having young kids is obviously a factor, but I think a husband with adhd is the bigger one tbh. 

Point is: Ive read up loads on adhd. I understand where a lot of my husbands more challenging behaviours come from, I'm not angry with him. Ive read Melissa's book. So has my husband. There's some good stuff in there, we've tried a lot of it. It never sticks. In all honesty, some of it doesn't resonate with me. A lot of it appears to still involve a great deal of compromise from the non adhd spouse. That might work for some people, but right now I'm left with the feeling that I just don't want to 
live like that. That it's not acceptable for me. That it involves too much compromise at my expense. I don't know how to know if that's right. I don't want to end my marriage but as time goes on I feel less and less attached to that, more feeling a need to focus on my own well being. I've been honest with my husband about all of this. He desperately loves me and wants to save our marriage, but tbh he's been saying that for years and nothing ever gets better enough for me to stop having these thoughts. But it's not clear cut because he is a good person and he is trying, but I'm just not sure if it will ever be enough. 

Has anyone else had thoughts like this?

I've been with my boyfriend over a decade now. We found out he has ADHD a few years ago but he doesnt like taking the drugs for it. He said they made his heart race and he didn't like it. 

The problem at the moment is that we are getting older and I want to buy a house and start a family soon. We are getting married as well and I thought that would be the start of a bit of a chain that would get us into a settled family life. For years now one of his big ADHD traits has been impulsiveness without action. What I mean is that over and over again he will come up with crazy plans about what he wants to do with his life but then does nothing about it, then later blames me and says I held him back because of my job/friends/lifestyle. He says he hates his job so he wants to move abroad and start a random business but he has no plan. I feel like Ive tried everything - being supportive of this stuff because I dont want to seem like I dont care but then nothing ever happens about it. Its a cyce and now I just won't entertain the conversation any more and then we argue that he says I dont care about his dreams or believe in him and resents me for "holding him back". This did stop for a while but over the last week he has had an argument with his new boss and its now all being dragged up again. I should say that we are also half way through planning our wedding and he now is saying he wants to move abroad and start a business or "take a year out" and travel but again theres no plan.

I thought as we are planning our wedding things might be different now. He might grow up and stop what I cant help but see as childish fantasies but they seem to be getting worse. He has even said things about spending all his (soon to be our) savings from years of hard work on moving abroad and setting up this business and working for himself. This is money I thought would go to our first home.

I dont think he realises (or maybe doesnt care) how much this effects my mental health.  I find the cycle of suddenly wanting to pack up our whole life and spend all our money on a whim very destabilizing even if it has been a long term thing he wants. I dont know whether we're settling down to have a family or packing our bags and moving abroad and it hurts me that he cant see thats hard for me. At the same time it feels like if I don't support these whims, I am being a horrible unsupportive partner who doesn't believe in him. I just cant pretend to support something I know he will have got over in a few weeks but also that I definitely dont want. I wish he could understand that every time he does this it pushes me a little further away. I need security in my life emotionally and financially and is a real struggle for me.