Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Time to Walk Away? by: Krina 10 years 2 months ago

    Sept 1 will be my 18 yr anniversary and ALL I can do is keep thinking how can I escape this nightmare? 99% sure my husband is ADHD. He fits all of the typical symptoms (too long to go into). Our 16 yr old daughter has been diagnosed ADHD & she is nearly identical to her father's behavior. My 15 yr old shows tendencies of ADHD but not to the extent of her older sister. So what brings me here? Desperation I guess...I am struggling to hold this household together for the sake of my girls. I have to navigate 3 ADHD personalities and I have to admit I am failing. I am completely alone with no support system. My extended family is gone due to a family blow up & his family has never been in the picture. My friends are all gone because they got tired of my husband refusing to let anyone over or to go out, plus all of my energy goes into keeping my household going, no time for friends.

    I feel like I have been through it all with Mike - Lying more times then I care to count the latest HUGE lie was a secret bank account that he was hiding, that took over $40,000 over 4 yrs, which he spent all of. He continues to blame me for HIM doing because if I was not such a nag or tight with money he wouldn't have had to do it. I kicked him out at that time for 8 months, but due to financial reasons & his "act" of changed behavior I allowed him back into the house to reside in a separate bedroom. (nearly 18 months ago) But the "change" did not last, we don't talk ever, his only focus is work & when he is home he is the "leave me alone type". We are in financial trouble because his impulsiveness has him spending on his CC everyday. I have begged, pleaded, yelled, cried every tactic to try to solve our problems. Nothing has worked, partly because he refuses to even acknowledge he might need help & he has this way of ALWAYS making it my fault. I am definitely the "MOTHER" in this relationship, I need it to end. His hyper focus is downloaded movies & books or work. There isn't any room for me or the girls. Any request for him to help with the household or girls is met with resentment and anger, because I am "telling or ordering him" to do it. 

    I had to quit my job, which was my only financial way out, because my 16yr olds ADHD diagnosis & anxiety issues were coming to a crisis point. So now I am here a year later feeling trapped, alone and with no hope. Oh to make matters worse I am OCD with anxiety issues. (Most of which stem from lack of love and security) The two triggers that an ADHD spouse has the most trouble with. I spend my days trying to hold off all of the ADHD issues of my family by trying to micro-manage their lives. Which I have tried often to stop doing but then the whole household falls apart. Mike expects that since I am not officially working (I run my own business from the home but it gets put to the side because of the family needs) that ALL of this is MY responsibility. I should care for the whole house (a fixer upper & is in serious need of repairs, which I have to do), the bills (make money magically appear out of NO WHERE since he is spending uncontrollably) and handle ALL of the girls needs (micro-manage homework their chores, social calendars etc). He sees his ONLY role is to work because it is such a stressful job the rest of his time is down time. But I am DROWNING, my OCD has me tied up mentally in knots trying to plan the unpredictable nature of my family. I simply can't do it all anymore. 

    When I consider walking away, I will still have ALL the same issues PLUS NO financial support. Even when he was out of the house I ended up being the "mother" paying bills so he didn't lose his place or working out his schedule so he could visit the girls. He turns EVERYTHING into my fault and with my OCD/anxiety its an easy guilt trip to ride.  It is hard to not just walk away from it all & start OVER. Let him raise the girls, deal with the house. But I brought these 2 girls into the world and it is my responsibility to raise them to college. I chant to myself all day long, only 4 more years until my youngest is in college. I can hold on right? I know they won't find success without someone there to help them. 

    How do you do it? How do you be a 1 man band with all of the responsibilities and none of the support? My oldest son, previous relationship & I was a single mom, was not as hard as this situation. He was my only help but he is now successfully grown, college graduate and set to get married soon. I know there has to be a better way and I hope any non-ADHD spouse can offer some insight or advice. I know Mike is struggling too with the ADHD and the dysfunction of our marriage, however I have no more ideas on how to fix. 

    Sadly ALL I every wanted was an equal partner in this life to love & who loves me. How do you deal with the loneliness of the ADHD unaffectionate spouse? Or are we just destined to be their "care takers" forever?

    Sorry for the long rant but this is the 1st time I have put any of this out there to the world, guess I have 18 yrs of sadness built up. 

  • Frustration! Hands tied! by: Hope to peace 10 years 2 months ago
    I have been reading and learning and trying to turn my attention back to me and what I need to do to survive this (vs what she needs to do). But it is so hard when she continues to learn nothing and keeps putting me in unhealthy dynamics...namely parent/child dynamic....for which I am really trying hard to work against! So here is where this week worked out: WE have been in the middle of buying our home, where we live and run our business from (a child development school). It has been a very long process with many delays (not good for someone with ADHD in terms of holding their focus). Since my credit is better, the home will be in my name and they are looking at my credit, etc. WE/I have been told not to buy anything unnecessary and to not use my credit cards except for justifiable emergencies. SHE, however, is free to use hers! And use them she does!! She has a 7 year old and it is back to school time. This week I observed her on her iPad a lot and closing it out as soon as I walk in the room. As well. I saw her looking up shoes online. When I ask her what is new today, she says "oh, nothing". Ya right! I can guarantee that in the next few days many packages will appear at our door....clothing, shoes, jackets, for her son...FINE....would I have liked to be included in this...sure, of coarse...but I can let that go. The thing that gets me, is I will bet anything that along with shopping for her son...she bought stuff for herself! As well she told me she asked her son what he wanted to do with his last weekend before school and his comment was he wanted to buy a new xbox game....she asked me if I was okay with that. I new she was lying!!!.....next thing I know there are 3 new games (that I know of)....SHE is staying up late while I sleep (all of a sudden her acid reflux is acting up) and she is commenting on how long it has been since she last played xbox. Who were the games really for?? And here I stand not being able to buy anything!! So WE can buy our home! I ask myself how I got talked into all of this! When did she express to me that we would be in this as a team and How did she lead me to believing her? This week we have been extremely distant! And she asks ME why I am distant. I wan to say "because you have made all these choices and decisions without me and have spent money on you and your son when you know I cannot and this kills the team!" But she would just lie and say she did non of that and get mad that I seem to always blame her and never take responsibility for myself and my actions. TELL me....what could I have done differently? I didn't say anything about my assumptions or what I think might have happened (based on consistent actions), I accepted that I agreed to do this and it is just my decision that has led to her being able to buy stuff and me being financially frozen. I can't help that this type of behavior sets us apart and not functioning as a team...as a couple...as grown up adult partners. And I also can't help that her looking me right I. The face and lying to me creates a distrustful and betrayed feeling for which....why wouldn't I pull away! Why would I snuggle up to her when, there is a very good chance, she looked right at me and lied to me...or told me some half truth! As it has been in the past, she tells her son to not tell me that they bought something....a new game....or stayed up late playing the new game while I slept (and I mean late...like til 2 in the morning). So then that creates a THEM AGAINST ME MENTALITY"......like they are the siblings who are in it together to pull the wool over moms eyes. I DONT WANT TO BE THAT TO HER!! I WANT TO BE THE ONE WHO BREAKS THE RULES WITH HER! THAT IT IS HER AND I AGAINST THE WORLD....NOT HER AND HER SON AGAINST ME! I am working so hard to not be in a parent child dynamic, but SHE puts me in that role and it really breaks our bond. It breaks our connection and it waters down and changes who WE are......who we were last week. I hate to say it, but the weeks her son is here this always happens! The weeks he is not here we can be more of an equal couple and she tends to do more work at joining us together and seems to view us as one. United, in love, etc. the weeks he is here...it is her and him....and I am some one to get around...someone who stops or blocks them from having fun and being happy. Maybe I am wrong....maybe she didn't buy a bunch of stuff....maybe she really did buy only a few games for him.....but I doubt it! And isn't that the shame right there....that I can't ask and trust I will get a truthful answer or that it won't turn into a fight to deflect the problem onto me! Isn't it a shame that I can't trust her to be in this house buying situation with me!! And that I am just waiting for the packages to arrive and wondering what lies and excuses she will tell me looking right at me! And that I won't be able to say "LIAR". And that really ....I dint care!! Just fuckin tell me the truth and involve me!! DONT PUT ME IN THIS STUPID PARENT CHILD DYNAMIC for which I am working really hard at avoiding! STOP! I AM NOT YOUR MOM! I am not the fun buster :(
  • Seminar vs Melissa's books by: JLD 10 years 2 months ago

    Hi - my husband and I are reading through Melissa's book about the ADHD Effects on Marriage (loving it - such a relief to have these issues finally explained) and I'm just wondering - how different are the seminars from the book? Do the seminars provide more/different information or are they based on the books but expanded with more anecdotes, etc? More detailed info on the seminars would be appreciated. I checked out the info on this site about the seminars but maybe I missed something?

    Thanks.

  • "Looking angry vs Being angry" by: dedelight4 10 years 2 months ago

    I'm throwing out a question here about anger. My ADHD husband is getting better about his anger issues, but he still takes serious offense because many people think he "looks angry".  People find him hard to approach because his facial expression and body posture make him look like he is mad and angry about something. He's complained about this before, and YELLS (which doesn't help) "I'm NOT ANGRY"..."I'm just thinking about lots of things",  and I've told him that I've had the same reaction with not talking to him at certain times because he indeed SEEMS very angry.

        Does anyone else have anything similar to this?........ facial expression, body posture, attitude, etc. give off an impression that others take the wrong way? He also is on the run most of the time, (hyperactivity) which creates an aura of "I"m too busy to talk to you right now" type of atmosphere. Does anyone else experience this as well? Has anyone found anything that helps or that can tell the ADHD person that it's NOT the family trying to CONTROL them, it's how the world ACTUALLY SEES THEM.

        

  • Stepping outside the box to get a view through someone else's eyes by: I'm So Exhausted 10 years 2 months ago

    I am sitting at my desk looking out the back sliding doors.  The birds are all over the feeders, directly off the west end of the deck.   The awning is swaying gently.  There to the right - is the barn.  And buckets of stuff.  And a wheelbarrow.  And totes.  And metal.  And rolls of plastic pipe.  And an old cart for stackable chairs.  And some plastic milk cartons full of miscellaneous things.     

    My request has been to keep stuff out of the line of view out the back doors.  This is an adjusted request - the original included keeping stuff out of the line of view out the kitchen window AND the sliding glass doors.

    In my own brain, I decided it was not as important to have a nice view from the kitchen window as it was to have a nice view while I worked at my desk.  

    My desk sits in the office.  Which is directly east of the livingroom.  There is a window between the office and the livingroom.  From my desk, I see through that window, over the back of the couch, out the back sliding doors.  

    Some options I have are to ignore the stuff.  Pull the vertical blinds halfway across the doors so it blocks the view of the stuff.  Go move the stuff.  

    Let's just forget for a moment marriage.  Let's just imagine this is a situation between roommates, or friends or neighbors.

    This house sits on 10 acres, I'd say about evenly 1/4 west, and 1/4 north of the property lines, in that lower left hand corner.  All the rest of the property is open land with a few  trees scattered about.  .

    Is this a power-struggle?

    Is this just being ignored?

    This is some big bone of contention for me.  It makes me feel disrespected.  It frustrates me to have no where to just relax and enjoy the view.  

    Is this ADHD?  Is this total disregard for my wishes?  Is this "You ain't telling me what to do lady."  Is this he is just so overwhelmed with everything, he can't think straight?  What, in the name of all things pleasant is this?  What is so hard about not plopping things in this area of the yard?  

    It may seem immaterial.  For me, it is one of those annoyances that would be overlooked if there wasn't already so much on my brain.  

    It is also a little corner of the space, a tiny place to start, and maybe hope to branch out.  

    For now, let's just look at this corner.  ADHD.  Man.  Woman.  Sharing.  Compromising.  Conflict resolution.

     

     

     

  • Cannot be myself around him by: Standing 10 years 2 months ago

    I have tried. 

    I've been pleasant, kind, gracious, communicative, appreciative, and loving. 

    We have been together all day long at work for a year and a half,  so my firm resolve to pursue a sense of normalcy for MYSELF, regardless of his antics, has been quite noticeable. 

    I do not discuss money with him anymore. I keep the books and review the balance sheets with his business manager. The business manager tells him, "Do not spend any money."  Last night, I got shouted at because of that. 

    The experience was just like years ago, when he would go on and on and on about how he perceived that I was undercutting his authority with my son (because i would not stand by and allow him to twist reality).

    It was just like the hours and hours I used to listen to him fume about how "you laugh and have fun with the kids, with the dogs, not with me".

     

    hours and days and weeks and YEARS and nothing has changed with him.

    But i have changed. This lasted 10 minutes max. I stood nose to nose with him, matched his volume, did not wither or retreat, and continued to repeat that I will not he held reaponsible for his paranoia or insecurity. I will not. (I used to say "can not".)

    i will not be accused, i will not be told what i think or how i feel. I will not work or live in such conditions and i will not have this conversation again. Then i walked away.

    He apologized shortly afterward. He needs me there today. Business manager's day off. I will be there. 

    Next week i will work 20 hours max. I will assist; i will not carry the burden.

    That reminds me. I told him, What you are seeing is adults relating as adults. The unspoken follow up is: rise up to the challenge if you want to feel like a part of the team. 

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • ADHD husband trying hard but wife is not seeing improvements by: Chewie 10 years 2 months ago

    Hello all first post  I have battled dysthymia and depression for most my life. I'm 40. Almost 4 years ago the wife and went to marriage counciling.  We were 6 years into it. We havery two great kids. But I hated work and symptoms of ADHD were becoming apparent. Forgetfulness not following though etc.  

    We agreed to see a marriage councilor. It was helpful but I was the one with the problems. Ultimately I had a full psych eval done. Depression anxiety and ADHD. Plus I am smart. ( always a silver lining)

    I have been on meds for 2 years adderal vyvanse and citlopram. I just got on lorazopram for anxiety

    I used to yell at my kids and turned it around.  I had a demanding job as a manager did well got thrown under the bus since I didn't drink the cool aid and have been looking since April. 

    I am networking applying to jobs and following up. But the wife doesn't think I am doing enough.  my contention is I need a job that is a good fit and put an end to the 18- 24 month job runs I can do well but mastering in a matter of months. 

    She has lost faith in me, doesn't trust me, doesn't think I am looking hard enough. She is working full time, so I run the house, shepard three kids (7,4,16months) to school and daycare.  In efforts to save money ( buying impulsivity was a big problem) I am now working on my own car repairing things best I can

     

    Communication for her is focused on the kids. I feel like an after thought. For most ADHD types " how was your day?" Topic lasts 90seconds.  She is an introvert but can talk to friends all night. I am quite the talker of many subjects. But when I try to talk about her feelings and dreams its either short, vauge or edges toward a fight. 

     

    I am the one scheduling appointments and suggested the seminar. She is busy and barely has time to discuss short articles about ADHD. Howncoiuld wemplow though the seminar?

     

    Yes a bit of a vent session but honest view points are welcome.

    Chewie

  • Finally Getting Some Help.... by: DaughterOfTheKing 10 years 2 months ago

    Hi All,

    I'm new to this site but I realized after registering that I had already been to this site years ago but never engaged. Oh how sorry I am for that decision. I just came across Melissa's new book published in April 2014 on Amazon.com last night and I downloaded it. This past week, I was ready to leave my husband or have him move out. My situation became critical after I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in March of this year. For three years, I had MS symptoms but didn't know quite what it was.

    After being married to my husband for 13 years, I felt like I just couldn't take any more lashing out at me or anymore anger directed towards me. I got away with my two boys and went to my mother's house for some peace last week. I noticed a huge change in my young children (ages 7 and 9). They weren't fighting with each other as much and they were calmer. They also got very emotional when it was time to go back home. It dawned on me very quickly that all the years of marriage classes and counseling NEVER addressed my husband's severe ADHD. 

    As a child, my husband was on Ritalin from 3rd grade through high school. After high school and off of his childhood ADD medication, he began to drink alcohol. By the time I met him, I was once divorced (with no kids) but he was clearly an alcoholic. I decided about 1 year into our relationship, that I didn't want to have another divorce so I told him that I couldn't see him anymore if he was going to drink. I heard him get emotional on the phone and then the next day, he signed up for an out patient alcohol recovery program. That was 14 1/2 years ago and he's been sober ever since. But, being sober does not mean that his ADHD stopped. In fact, it got worse after we had our first child in 2004. I never thought that having children would be so stressful for him. He had a successful career that was stressful so I thought having kids would be no problem. Boy was I wrong. From the time we brought home our first son, we constantly fought over who would do what. We both had and still have thriving careers. If a task stressed him out, he just yelled at me and told me I would need to do it. It was a tit for tat constantly. After our second child came along in 2007, our marriage was miserable. I was miserable. I figured that it had to be something I was doing or that we just needed to "love each other more" or really "work on our marriage more". None of this helped. After 5 Christian counselors, multiple small group marriage studies and now on the verge of divorce, it occurred to me that we never solve the REAL problem.....ADHD.

    I have enlisted the help of a counselor that specializes in ADHD in children as well as women's needs. My first appointment is in one week. I hope that maybe she can help me heal from all the hurt and torment that I've endured and then help me to move forward with getting my husband some help. Imagine never having your husband tell you that you are cherished, beautiful or that he loves you unconditionally. Imagine that every normal stress in your life becomes a huge problem. Imagine your young children yelling at their dad "Why are you being mean to Mommy?" Imagine that you dread any time spent with this person (even though you love them dearly). That has been my life for 16 years. Now, I am on daily injections of Copaxone for my MS which has gotten worse over the past 3 years. I have hand tremors, heat intolerance, fatigue, leg and arm pain, stiffness in my joints and constant exacerbations due to the stress I am under in my marriage relationship. There were times that I didn't want to live on this earth anymore (it was too painful) but my faith in Jesus is the ONLY reason I'm still here and why I'm still (after all the abuse) at least willing to look at the possibility that MAYBE my husband can get some help and MAYBE we can one day have a normal marriage. But as I sit here, I still don't know if separation and/or divorce is in our future. I don't want it to be that way but my man has "broke me" to the point where I don't know what options I have left. I'm just going to take it day by day at this point and continue to pray for strength from God so I can put one foot in front of the other. My happiest moments are when I'm away with my children by myself or when I get out of the house for a few hours by myself.

    Please pray for me and my family. And I will do the same for you. Prayer is a powerful thing.             

     

  • Diagnosis and treatment ... then what? by: Valeriek678 10 years 2 months ago

    Hi all, I'm new here.  My husband is in the process of getting diagnosed with ADHD.  A little background: we've been married 6 years, just had our 2nd child 3 weeks ago.  He moved out when I was 3 months pregnant and just moved back in about a month ago (yes, our relationship has gotten that bad) - this was the third time while pregnant that he said that's it, he was leaving.  I said fine, leave - my prioirity needs to be safety and stability for me and the kids.  I am exhausted from overfunctioning to compensate for his ADHD symptoms.  I am emotionally done.  Burnt out.  He moved back in, but it was not a red carpet, hallmark-move moment.  And I'm not convinced our marriage will last.  We cohabitate and raise the kids.  I'm glad for the forthcoming diagnosis and treatment, but I fear a lot of things:

    1) what if it's too little, too late?  Can I repair the marriage?  What if I don't want to?  Does that make me a bad person?

    2) once the ADHD gets addressed, what about the other dysfunctional relationship patterns?  I fear that the ADHD will be the easy part to address - I fear the rest of the non-ADHD-related dysfunction will be the hard part to change.

    3) my parents were divorced when I was a pre-teen.  I had (have?) so much anger towards them, I felt orphaned, like they failed me as parents for divorcing.  **I don't want to do that to my kids.** How do I get past this to make the best decision for my family?  Am I doing them any favors by continuing to invest in a dysfunctional relationship?

    Thanks for listening, and for any wisdom you have to share.

  • So now H is trying for a manager's position?? by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 2 months ago

    I don't understand him. A month ago he was all excited and told me that he only needed to complete 2 classes (one online and one reading a book and then taking a test in front of someone) and he would qualify for a QA position which he would get immediately because there are a bunch available and he wouldn't have to submit a resume or anything because he'd be green lit for it. He told me this on July 30, which was 5 days after the fallout with his daughter which he claims to be all torn up about now, but apparently wasn't then? He was super excited about the whole thing back then. He studied for a few days and then never went back to take the test or do anything online. This is when the whole no working thing started. He then tells me that he can't be considered for a QA position until next June when his corrective action measure clears up so why bother. This was news to me. Now he is finally back to work (3rd day in a row) and this after he says he'll just have to hang out in this job and not quit, but he doesn't want to go back to his old area because he hates his manager, his current area is okay but he's already bored there so now he's getting a resume together for a manager's position. Okay so I thought you couldn't move up until your CAM goes away but was that just an excuse too?

    I just never know what to believe. He's all over the board on moving up, then telling me he can't, then sending a resume. I'd like to know how he thinks he's going to get a managerial job there. He doesn't come in for weeks at a time, he got a desk job 2 years ago after beating out 4 others but then hated that because it was boring and hated his manager so decided to take a full month off without pay to "show them" how much he hated it so they'd find someone else. He clearly has issues with authority.Just look at his previous jobs. He went back to work for a guy he didn't get along with previously and supposedly thought that this time everything would work out for whatever reason and the guy fired him in 2 months. Then he went to work at another shop where he claims the owner had issues with him and he filed a claim against them saying they let him go unfairly (which he won) but how is he going to find someone who will vouch for him being a good employee? Of course everything else about his job (like how he keeps it!) boggles my mind so he'll probably get a manager's position no problem!

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