Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • H blows his top over something "wrong" I did and then does the same thing! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 2 months ago

    The smallest things turn into a HUGE deal! Just last week I took one of his precious sharp knives out of the butcher block to open a package. He sits there and watches me and goes "I REALLY wish you wouldn't use those knives to open packages. It just dulls them". Guess what? The VERY next day he gets a package and opens it with the SAME knife I had used! Back up to about a month ago when we had a bunch of rice leftover along with teriyaki. I froze the teriyaki and asked if I should freeze the rice too. Oh my god he looked at me like I was crazy! "Why would you even think of freezing rice? No! Either throw it out or keep it in the fridge". Then a few weeks later the same thing where we had a bunch of rice leftover. Guess what? He put it in a tupperware container and put it in the freezer! Last winter I left the door from the living room to the garage open because I was in and out doing laundry. He practically has a tizzy because the furnace is running and here I am with the door open. The next day with the furnace running he opens both the front door and the back door and leaves them open so that the cats can go in and out at their leisure! Oh and he has a tizzy when I don't cover something in the microwave and it splatters a bit. Yet 30 minutes later he's doing the same thing!

    I am really tired of being berated for minor things and then he turns around and does them and I tell them that he JUST had a fit because I did the same thing yesterday. He blows it off and goes "Whatever...it's not a big deal". Really? Because yesterday it was a HUGE deal when I did it!

    Oh and this incident was just awesome too. About 2 years ago we went on a trip to see some motorcycle racing. A friend and his dad were going too but weren't able to get a room so they stayed with us. They rented a car and we rode with them around town. Well one morning we stopped at McDonalds before heading to the races. H and I are in the back seat and I am doling out the coffees. Everyone gets theirs and then H tells me to open the 2 sugar packets and put them in his cup. Well absentmindedly I open the 2 packets and then with the same hand take the lid off the cup, dumping the sugar all over the back seat. They are only small sugar packets and there's not that much, but OMG, H just couldn't shut up about how moronic that was. For the next 10 minutes I heard "Oh my god. Really? Really? How could you do that? What were you thinking?" I got so angry. I felt like I was a 10 year old getting berated. I admit it was dumb of me but he could have laughed it off and then cleaned it up quietly rather than going on and on and on about it in front of them. Then about an hour later we were walking and my shoe had come untied for the second time. He tells me to tie it and I say I'm fine that I'll just wait until we are out of the crowd. He tells me "No we'll stop and wait for you while you tie it". Once again i felt like I was 10 years old.

  • There is Frustration in Communication by: I'm So Exhausted 10 years 2 months ago

    Not to sure if I should post this in the Communication section?!?!?!?

    How in the world do we deal with communication?  My spouse very often INSISTS he told us something - but we, for everything we try, simply do not remember him saying it  - AT ALL.  I do not want to BLAME him - as communication is difficult  without adding ADHD into the mix.  My usual disclaimer will be in effect here - if it were only me, I would look closer at how I miss things all the time.  

    The pick-up truck with the winch was needed this AM.  The plates expired Friday.  My spouse is out fishing.    I called to ask him about it - and he states he TOLD our son last night of his plans to use the truck.  The truck is parked in his friend's yard about one mile up the street. He stated he knew the plates were expired, and since the truck is titled in his name and he needs to get the plates, he left the other truck with the valid plates.  Good thinking :)  No sarcasm.  Really, good thinking. 

    My spouse does indeed work through a lot of details in his head.  And while this is a long process for him - he thinks he verbalizes things.  So we get up against I TOLD YOU.  OK, well no one remembers.  

    Just another one of those annoying details that muck up the day.  

    Communication was deficient SOMEWHERE.  Not sure how to encourage my spouse to WANT to look at his end of the deal, rather than INSIST he TOLD US.  Period.  And why can't we ever listen to what he says?  

  • The Agony and the Ecstasy by: perfectstorm5 10 years 2 months ago

    I moved out this weekend after over 30 years of marriage, and over five years of arguing about his inability/unwillingness/denial about getting a job. It was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I know that in spite of the fact that i hope he will be motivated to lift himself out of a very dark place, that may not actually happen. The ecstasy comes from the peace and freedom that i have been craving for so long. If he still resists treatment, I don't think I'll go back, but I truly hope that this acts as a spark. There was definitely co-dependence in the status quo.

  • Deleted by: lauren07 10 years 2 months ago
  • My ADD Husband Tantrums like a Baby by: OccupyLove 10 years 2 months ago

    I suppose that I just need to accept that my husband is not going to seek any outside advice wrt his ADD.  He has a short temper and tantrums like a baby when he is tired.  For example, tonight he said that he was going to cook dinner.  There was no paprika, which he needed for the dish he wanted to make, so with passive-aggressive tactics he let me know what a failure of a spouse I was and how I couldn't do anything right.  I am home all day while he is working--- not by my choice, longer story there--- and he expects me to do all the things that he doesn't want to do.  And I'm just supposed to figure out what he expects me to do because he will never sit down and have a calm conversation about who is going to do what.  Sometimes we do make "deals" and if I can't keep up my end of the deal it is the end of the world and I am subjected to a poisonous tirade.  However, if he doesn't keep up his end of the deal he expects me to accommodate... that is, do whatever it is that he doesn't want to do.

    How much of this is due to ADD and how much is terminal immaturity, who knows.  But I am tired of living with it and looking forward to getting enough money together to separate in a few years.  Our daughter will be old enough to handle it, I hope, and as she matures she is increasingly understanding how unreasonable he is.

    Just writing about this has really helped.

  • Husband is a Know it All by: kathy1208 10 years 2 months ago

    Why does my husband do this? My husband is a bit of a know-it-all.  He will go on and on about something for which there really is no reason for him to know that much about the particular hting he is talking about because he's never had much experience with it or anything...I feel like "I don't know" is not part of his vocabulary but it should be a part of everyone's vocabulary! How hard is it to stop and consider "I don't really know the answer to that with certainty" and to respond "I dont know"? It is particularly frustrating when it comes to things that relate to my line of work. I don't get why rich, successful people trust my opinion about my particular line of work and pay hundreds an hour for my legal advice, but my own husband will argue up and down with me.

    A very simple example was today, when he was talking about selling his car. I mentioned that he needs to have a notary for the title and he insisted it doesnt need to be notarized. AFter arguing vehemently for that position, he looks it up on like, cars.com or something and is like ok it needs to be notarized. I don't get it. I dont know everything but I do work in property law and do peoples wills and contracts and everything - wouldn't logic win out and him say ok she may know a thing or two about the basics of transferring a vehicle title? What in the world do I do in these situations??  We are also in the process of saving for a house and the same thing - every conversation about mortgages, property title insurance, etc., if his "impression" of the way things work contradicts what I tell him, he has to vehemently argue his position. I generally know when to answer "I dont know" when I dont really know the truth about something, and if my impression every contradicts a friend or relative or acquaintance who is an expert in that area, I dont start arguing blindly with them....i respect that their opinion most likely is the correct one versus my loose impression of something with which i may have little or no real experience.

     

    AHHHHHH sorry! We've been together for 6 years, and I feel like he pointlessly argues about so much, with me or others and doesn't listen.  The most upsetting part about it is not that hes arguing with me, it's that hes a smart hardowrking guy and I feel like he just sells himself short by jumping to things and not listening and keeping his eyes and ears open to others and everything. 

     

     

  • Snippets by: Standing 10 years 2 months ago

    Going to use this thread to note some of the interactions which used to get added to the blur which has been my married life for the past 10 years. These are not sources of angst or any sort of commentary against add or any of the other diagnoses which might be applicable, simply observations by one woman who is trying to be herself in the midst of an atmosphere which makes no sense to me.

    *  In the few minutes during which we "engage" at the end of the day, I mention viewing a bit of a program about Harry Houdini, the magician. I was going to retell, briefly, something that I found to be of interest. He says:  "I've recorded that." Me: "Cool! I only caught part of it, but there was much I had not known before..."  Him: "I recorded it, Part I of II.".  Me: "That's neat. I did not know that Houdini had performed before the czar of Russia..."   Him:  "Yep."

    *  I am mindlessly surfing on my phone and he asks, all chipper-like,  "What are you reading?"  I say, "Oh, this and that."  Him: "Oh, about what?"  Me:  "Nothing, really; my brain is not engaged."  Him, in a weary, pained, and disgusted tone, as though he is so severely abused:  "OHhhKayyy, so you don't want to tell me."  Me: "I have nothing to tell you because I was not absorbing anything that was before my eyes."

    *  He drives home from work (not far) to look for misplaced keys and finds me dragging full rubbish bins to end of driveway in the rain. He jumps out of his vehicle, all perky, and says, "Oh, honey! Love the rain, love it, love it, love it!"   Yeah huh.

     


     

  • Lightbulb : Malignant Narcissism by: StateOfBeing 10 years 2 months ago

    I have posted here before, and described something of my journey with what I thought was my partner's ADHD; I have been through thinking there were breakthroughs. I have moved onto other attributions, including the ever relevant 'co-dependence' perspective. What I did not expect to realise is that the truest match of all is NPD/malignant narcissism. It has been a lightbulb moment that makes sense of all else, and makes much better sense of it too. It has become more possible for me to connect dots as he's gotten older and narcissistic rage is his response to a simple question...and all else besides. I have known him for twenty years and this, I really believe, in his case, is it. Tuck ADHD in there, but narcissism is what we're really living with, and what, most would agree, can't be beaten in a person. I have been aware of other malignant narcissists in my life, but this took a lot of working out, since such people specialise in concealing tracks and shifting blame and shaming and reversing, and so on and so forth. I've been trying for the real thing in this relationship, for reality and authenticity, and now realise that this was always to be unwinnable as I have been his 'narcissistic supply'. What a waste! How sad! So now I have a new path, and feel a new freedom to see it. I'm interested to hear from others who've had a similar realisation. There are so many possible overlaps in working out what's going on with someone. Thankyou, and love x

  • Am I crazy?! by: lauren07 10 years 2 months ago

    Saturday I got super PO'd at my ex when I found he hadn't wipes his son's butt good enough. I mean, I went into major shut down mode. I haven't said two words to him since. 

    Well, today, Monday, my son pooped himself again. I took him downstairs to clean it and my ex met us in the bathroom. I told him he can either take it from here or let me do it. He took care of it, but once my kid came back upstairs I decided to check how clean he was. Well, I had to use two wipes to get him totally clean. There was even a visible brown spot when I started. 

    I feel like I am taking crazy pills!!!!! This isn't stuff I can just ignore. His ass has to be cleaned!!! This isn't a job you can leave half done. I just want to scream and go running home to my family in Carolina!! But I love my job here. 

    Oh my god, what do I do?! 

    I'm looking at renting places, but my ex will still get his son once or twice a week and leave his ass half wiped and take him fishing without a life jacket and not pull his chest strap all the way up in the car seat. The car seat thing happened Saturday too. I have been EDUCATING him on the chest strap since freaking BIRTH!!!!!!!

    WHY IS EVERY SINGLE THING HALF ASSED?!?!?!?!

    I don't think I'm being a picky, control freak AT ALL!!! Some things seriously have to be done right and consistently!!!!! 

     

  • Why do I feel like I'm on eggshells? by: FedupNY 10 years 2 months ago

    My DH has been diagnosed with ADHD from when he was a child. He was on medication but then stopped. We have been married for 6 yrs, together for 10- we have 2 children ages 4 and 2. About 5 yrs ago he went back to the dr to go back on adder all because he was having problems focusing on work. He was doing ok and then he was diagnosed with diabetes ( type 1 ) . Between our piling up medical bills, our house and his parents finances he seemed to just spiral. I guess he always had some anger issues and he always feels he knows the right way to do things. I used to just let it go until recently, I've been feeling so picked over and that everything I do is wrong. I feel like a battered woman since if things are done wrong I get yelled at.  I am not the best house keeper and I admit that but there is always a hot meal on the table the house is kept clean just not OCD neat. I do have 2 young children running around! My husband also has OCD which makes things harder for me. Just tonight I got nit picked because I put an onion away without taking the skin off and when he chopped it he had to pick the peel out. How the hell is this my fault?! I then got the " you never finish anything, everything is half assed done, you never do it right" 

     

    so what I am asking is how do I deal with this? I have spoken to him but it is making me hate him being home. 

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