Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Accountability? by: c ur self 10 years 2 months ago

    My wife called me to tell me she wanted us to take on a project I want go into the specifics, but just let me say it was people related, and would definitely call for commitment of time and energy. So as she is relaying all her desires and expectations for me, to me. I couldn't help but think, her we go again....Anyway, I declined, she wasn't very happy about it...So, I would like to run it by you guys...This is my note to her concerning this incident and my request to her about future endeavor she wants us to take on.

    In the future when you decide to take on a project/task for us. When you share your idea's with me concerning it. I would appreciate it if you would start off by telling me how you intend to work, support, and be responsible to the endeavor. Verses starting off like you did by telling me what your expectations are for me. I will be glad to respond to you with my thoughts and feeling regarding your project at that time.

    Does this sound reasonable?

  • Contradictory messages about spouses' role by: PoisonIvy 10 years 2 months ago

    Hi.  I'm wondering if anyone else can relate to something that frustrates me very much.  My husband, who has been diagnosed at various points with depression, anxiety, and ADHD, has seen many therapists over the years and has taken medications on and off.  Some of those forays into treatment have been at my encouragement or insistence.  I have occasionally received indirect feedback from the therapists, most notably the person who said I should butt out and the person who said I should come in for sessions with my spouse.  It's very frustrating to me that the mental health experts haven't agreed what the role of a spouse to a person with a severe mental health problem should be. Now, maybe they haven't agreed because either there isn't only one good answer or there is no good answer to this question.  But then couldn't the experts then at least tell us, the affected spouses, that there isn't a good answer and offer us some understanding for the difficult, confusing position we're in?  I often get the message, in books and magazine articles and online, that I, the spouse of a severely dysfunctional 60-year-old man, should be able to make him functional, even though mental health professionals with years of training haven't succeeded.  If anyone can feel my pain, please respond.  Thank you! 

  • nope, can't rely on him by: kathy6521 10 years 2 months ago

    I have had a terrible cold for the last week. I come home from work and collapse, sleep until 10, and go to bed. Its all I can do to go to work. I go to work because I am going to have a hysterectomy in 2 or 3 weeks, scheduled next week and want to have all the sick leave for that. My house is destroyed! If I can't count on him to help out when I am sick, what is going to happen when I'm down for 6 weeks? This all comes two weeks after having the talk about really needing him to step up for me and he wholeheartedly agreed. For me, this is really one of the last nails in the coffin.

  • When add Spouse wants sex by: Standing 10 years 2 months ago

    I've read about a tendency of people with add to be shut down in the area of sexual intimacy... because of distraction, I guess?

    Or maybe it depends more on what other conditions are comorbid with the add?

    And, of course, each person is an individual, so there's alot of variation. My husband, e.g., does not have issues with erratic driving. He also wants sex and is highly offended if I do not. He's hurt by my lack of pursuit of him and initiation. I know that is also a common theme. I also know there's a seed of truth in his complaint. I'm just not sure what to do about it, since I am not sure how to even build even the small amount of emotional intimacy which might open the door to more. I guess we could talk about sex more often. He definitely listened well during that discussion. Argh. He can SO tune in when it suits him. Any thoughts/ideas?

  • So frustrated with impossible communication by: kathy1208 10 years 2 months ago

    So, I SWEAR my husband has ADHD pretty bad and he not only gets mad at me if i suggest it but he tells me all psychologists are crazy and ADHD is made up. He is 30 years old and should know better than that.

     

    Anyway, I think he is ADHD bc when i was seeing a therapist last year, mostly about dealing with some issues regarding my parents, I'd mention anecdotes about my husband in passing and my therapist chimed in "your husband is ADHD isn't he?" and i said i didn't know and went on with my story....but then when I was home later that evening I googled ADHD and was FLOORED at how close to home the traits of an ADHD person hit....like, all these stories had totally explained to me why my husband who is otherwise a sweet, caring, well-intnetioned person, can get very abrasive and difficult with not only me, but with other people, too.  When i brought all this up to him and explained it, he told me i was picking on him and that i was just trying to act like hes a "flawed person" and all that.  He expressed resentment that I had ordered a couple ADHD books online recently (which i havent read yet) It was frustrating (and i explained this to him)....i told him for me to say "you have ADHD" and read the books, online stuff, etc WAS NOT picking on him, that in fact, it was the opposite - that I understood him the best and loved him easier and handled things better when i focusd on that stuff bc it was something that "explained" his behavior, and that the more i understood him the better off we'd be..... he gave me this terse and shortsighted response..."if you dont understand something about me just ask."

     

    The additional facet to all of that is if HE got over looking at this as some absurd attempt to attack his character and criticize him using some psychological fake diagnoses, and actually read some of the stuff i have, I think he'd understand that yes, he has caused some undue angst on my part, his parents, friends, etc., and that it's ok that it happens as long as he understands it and tries to handle things a little better. He refuses to admit that there is a problem.  There is a problem when I have the opinion that I love this man dearly but if i could go back in time and do it all over again I wish we hadn't met, or kept dating, bc someitmes i feel like my love isn't enough to endure given how difficult he can be. I also know that the stuff that his parents had issue with are also along the similar ADHD lines (even though they dont know about ADHD or think of it like that) and his mom has confided in me about the things he does that anger or frustrate them, but she tells me she doesnt say anything bc she doesnt want to upset him......

     

    An excellent example of needless arguing/combativeness was just now when i left for lunch....i called him to tell him that I ordered this 10x10 canopy for us to take with us on camping and he can use it for the team he coaches too, on the sidelines....it was on sale plus i had a gift card so i got it for cheap. He said that was good, yeah that would be useful. I told him the only thing was that it doesnt come with hold downs, but that tent stakes or weights were an option, and so i figured we could figure that out once it came in.....people online said weights were good but tent stakes would be just as useful for our purposes, whatever.....(in other words, we will need to get hold downs, too, and i couldnt care less how we do it, im just mentioning we will need to get hold downs of some sort).

     

    Well he starts arguing intensely and vehemently as to why tent stakes are what we need and why weights are not a good idea. He sounds angry and impatient, exclaiming things like "THERE IS NO WAY IM GOING TO BOTHER WITH CARRYING WEIGHTS AROUND IN THE CAR WHEN WE CAN JUST USE TENT STAKES!"., etc.  At this point i am (as i so often am) upset and confused as to his angry tone and as to why i am sitting on the phone listening to a tirade over something when it's not like i remotely care what we do or anything, so why in the world is he wound up and arguing for tent stakes like hes arguing before the supreme court?!?! It's confusing, and odd, and its like the second hes turned on that switch, im on eggshells....

     

    so then after sitting silently listening to that i go, well, ok, we can do whatever, they are both options.....and he cuts me off and goes on about it a little more.....and then i agian say "ok, thats find, whatever you want to do im fine with....." and at this point hes so angry he goes "I NEED TO GO! i am working and have shit to do!"  

     

    This is my problem....the tone....saying that....you'd think that i had called and started an argument about tent stakes and then was keeping him from work.  no, i innocently called to tell him i ordered something and can weigh it down whatever way we want, and i was pretty much done with the convo at that point...he was the one that gets wound up over nothing and keeps me on the phone for a few extra minutes going on about tent stakes and then suddenly DEMANDS we get off the phone as if i am the one keeping him from work.....i dont understand it.  In imilar situations sometimes ill say something like "ok, well im not arguing with you i agree with you" and he will respond "you WERE arguing with me" to which i think my head will explode bc how is it possible that I am arguing about particular things where i know with 100% certainty i had no opinion at all to argue about???  But in this case i didnt say "im not arguing with you" or anything....when he exasperatedly says the thing about how he has to go bc he has shit to do, i literally just hung up on him. 

     

    i know i shouldnt do that but like, i just want to get away...i dont want to say one word to a person acting like that...in fact i wished i couldve hung up and ran for the hills the second he started off on a tent stake tirade. So yeah, that is just one of a millioon examples....and somehow im the bad guy when i didnt do anything.

     

    I have been in a few long term relationships before this and i was never compbative or argumentative over trivial stuff - not petty, nothing...like, i cant tell you how often i get blamed for "starting arguments" when i genuinely didn't, and it feels so unfair.....and god forbid i actually DO have a genuine issue....discussing ACTUAL disagreemtns/conflicts/issues with him is impossible...

  • Sound familiar? by: SherriW13 10 years 2 months ago

    I am beginning to wonder if my husbands incessant threats and reminders that he's leaving as soon as our bankruptcy is over aren't more manipulation. It is very sad to say but I really do think everything he does and says is an attempt to manipulate me. To make himself feel better. 

    He still says he's leaving..said it very convincingly this past weekend. I basically threw in the towel, took off my rings, and shut down. He acted as if nothing were wrong but I couldn't. I called him out on some deal breaking behaviors and put a boundary and that's when he said he was leaving. 

    I am speaking in terms of finality with him. It's over. Let's be proactive and figure everything out before he goes. He's acting as if nothing is wrong. He's actually currently snuggled up next to me asleep. We haven't cuddled since he told me he was leaving. 

    To my point...I have begun to feel that he's in such a hurry to leave because he's cheated again and knows it is only a matter of time before I find out. I think he'd rather leave and bare the agony of divorce than to admit he did that again. I'm additionally puzzled by his acting as if nothing is wrong. I am wondering if he isn't wanting me to beg him not to go so he can justify staying by saying I wouldn't let him leave. I've stopped saying anything about my plans to make it on my own because he blames me of trying to make him feel guilty. Deep down I truly don't think he wants to leave but he is very obviously battling a very serious demon. I fear I recognize this demon. If he stays and I find out he cheated then he knows we are done. I think he's trying f to avoid that. 

  • Odd Behaviour by: Hydrogirl 10 years 2 months ago

    Hi Everyone,

     

    Im gonna try to make this as short as I can. Fiance and I have been together 2 1/2 yrs. During the first 1 1/2 yrs I was unemployed and at home keeping up the house. He had told me he was ADD-Inattentive, but since I did everything at home, I never noticed. Fast forward to this past year and I am back to work Full Time and am now dependent that he help split the chores in the home.  He is not keeping up his end of the chores and no amount of reminding and sweet will you's have motivated him. Once I turn into authoro-mom and threaten to leave, he gets up and does his chores. He is usually spiteful and cruel when this occurs, even to the point of being cruel and refusing to wish me well when I was leaving for my bachelorette party because I asked him to do the dishes.

     

    The obvious issues exist: He is not affectionate 80% of the time, does not spend time with me unless I beg, does not inquire about my well being or say I love you, does not talk with me about anything emotional, is engrossed in games, does not help with the chores, has the worst hygiene, lies, and manipulates. The hygiene bothers me the worst. He stinks, he will forgoe brushing his teeth if he moved his toothbrush out of reach, he leaves poo smeared on the toilet seat, and wont flush, and skids in his underwear...every....day. I told him that him keeping up his hygeine was necessary for a partnership and that I am completely grossed out by it. I explained to him that it was a huge root cause of our lack of sex life.

     

    The lying began when we agreed to keep at our relationship  so long as he was treating his condition with meds & therapy. Well, for 6 solid months he fooled me into believing they werent helping. Turns out they dont help if you only take a total of 2 and the therapy so far has been a joke, he dragged his feet for 6 months till I turned around and did it myself (Im pissed at myself for my codependency, but I keep wondering if he doesnt have the capability of gaining help, which doesnt make sense really, since he is very good at his job) Anyway I found out he was lying because I was looking for his vitamin pack in his backpack and found all of the pills he claimed to have taken. He lied for 6 months about it and I find this 2 days before my bridal shower and bachelorette party. I confronted him and told him I was calling off the wedding. He promised he would start therapy and see a doc asap, but did not regret his decision to lie to me, and claimed he didnt know the doc would switch his script if it made him feel bad.

     

    Now for the bizaar. It has happened in the past, as well as now, despite Welbutrin he has been on for a few weeks. He will go into a borderline catatonic state when under stress regarding our relationship, this presented itself during our first fight 1 year ago when my mom called to say 3 family members had died in a car crash. She asked him to tell me since she didnt want to leave me a voicemail. 3 days after I called to shoot the breeze only to find out the news. When I asked him about it he said he forgot. How in all the curse wods I can think of, forget to tell me that members of my family died. The catatonic state looks like this: He will sit and stare and not respond when I confront his behaviour, he wont blink, and he will rub his thumb and pointer finger together. I cant claim it to be an  argument since he in no way participates. This catatonic like state scares the crap out of me and also rips me apart because I feel completely neglected by him when he just checks out.

    He promised he would pursue the therapy and meds and then was denied by insurance for is adhd being pre-existing. I have an advocate that was going to research said claim and need written authorization from him.  It is common for him not to respond or answer his phone if I call, so the first attempt to get him to comply failed. I tried to explain to him that these were tools we would use to help him build a better life. Anyway tonight was the last straw. His therapist told us is hygiene was not related to his adhd at all and that the Wellbutrin wouldnt help him either. So I pushed him again to get me the paperwork so we could get him to a real psych doc for real meds. He ignored my texts and did not answer the phone or return my call. Tonight when I got home I confronted him. He was extremely hurt since I didnt immediately praise him for doing the dishes. I told him I was indeed happy about the dishes but that I was frustrated since he would prioritize the wrong item. Yesterday I needed him to do dishes, today I needed paperwork. At that point he went catatonic like again. I told him that I was done and calling off the wedding and would figure out how to break our lease. I begged him to go to a hotel but he refused to leave his computer chair. How is it that a person can be unresponsive yet refuse to budge from a chair? I mean he gripped the table when I tried to help him out of the chair in order to prevent me from moving him.

     

    Is this something ADHD or does he have some other mental issues.

     

    I myself am OCD-Pure O, and have dealt with depression, anxiety, and such....but I dont know what to think of this. This really scares the crap out of me. I do beleive by his behaviour I will have to be the one to leave the home. I love him so much, but he acts very unstable in my opinion and I honestly dont know what to do to help him. If there are no sources of conflict in our home, he is very cheerful, and behaves almost teenage like. Im sorry if this is a bunch of jibberish, Im completely raw that he denied me my needs, rejected me, and manipulated me, and had no intention of keeping his promise. He cant even tell the doc what he likes or dislikes about me....so how can he really love me?

     

    Why cant he be the person he said he was?   I feel abandoned, humiliated, neglected, and depressed. I had a full blown panic attack due to tonights episode and I hate it. Ive worked so hard to keep my own crap in check.

     

  • Help before the book arrives by: lonelybutterfly 10 years 2 months ago
    I need advice on what to do before the book arrives. I stumbled across this site out of pure frustration and feelings of total resentment toward my ADHD husband. I am up, alone, caring for our four month old who is sick. This is our third child. All day long the baby cried or nursed. My husband worked from home today. Not once did he ask to help. He actually asked me "What's for lunch"? And at dinner time, when I asked if he could make dinner he listed the different things he had to do for work first. He's been working 60+ hour weeks. Today he held the baby long enough so I could shower but only after I started crying. I needed more help and wanted to ask him to help me get something to eat but i knew it would make him angry so I didn't ask. He is supposed to help the older two get to bed when I put the baby to sleep. At 11:48 they were all still up. The biggest and most concerning issue I have is he can't remember to lock the front door or close the garage. Tonight I texted him at 8 to lock the door after he came home from taking our kids to the store. At 11:30 it was still unlocked. And the saddest part of all is the only time he spend talking with me he complains about his job. I am so lonely. He doesn't listen to anything I say. And it hurts. I've stopped telling him things because it hurts that he doesn't remember. He pretend like he is posting attention but as soon as the conversation goes my way he stops listening. I really hope this book helps. Right now just getting my thoughts out is helpful. Thank you
  • Hates having his picture taken by: Cecily 10 years 2 months ago

     

    My husband has ADD/Bipolar. I do not know how it is related, but for as long as I've known him (14 yrs.) he has absolutely hated to get his picture taken. Pictures are very important to my side of the family. It's become a ritual at family events for him to refuse to have his picture taken and then everyone nags and eventually demands to take his picture "for posterity." It's always an embarrassing thing for me. I hate conflict. On one hand I empathize with how important pictures are to my family but on the other hand their pushiness smacks of disrespect toward my husband and that really bothers me. My family thinks he is being selfish and so his reluctance/refusal to take pictures makes them feel hurt and angry. This last weekend as we were all together at our annual family camping trip, the ritual ensued as my mom wanted formal pictures. I decided that this must stop, so later I privately asked my mom (and later my sister and sister-in-law) to never push my husband like that again. They argued with the same old reasons but I challenged them that perhaps their desire to have pictures taken is as selfish as him not wanting his picture taken. Whose desire takes precedence? He is a full grown husband and father and they need to start treating him with enough respect to take his no for a no.

    Does anyone else relate to this? Am I right? Are they being disrespectful? Is my husband being disrespectful and selfish like they claim? I would appreciate your input to test my horizon.

  • Stonewalled by my husband... need advice, please help! by: dish365 10 years 2 months ago

    My husband and I have been together for 7 years, and married for almost 4 years. We are both 43 years old and have a large blended family. He and I were both previously married to other spouses once before, and we both have children from those marriages. It's a "yours, mine, and ours" situation... I had 4 children from my first marriage, he had 3 children from his first marriage, and together we have 1 child. So we now have a total of 8 children. Our blended family life is very busy with the dynamics of all our kids and their activities, and it is a challenge for my husband and I to stay connected as a couple in our marriage.

    At the beginning of our relationship, my husband was very kind, loving, affectionate, attentive, and interested in spending time together. However, after we moved in together I began to suspect that my husband may have ADHD (although he has never been diagnosed, or treated, or taken any medication). From what I've read on the subject, I believe he has several of the symptoms. My husband seems scattered and forgetful at times, he is impulsive with hurtful words and actions, he has a quick temper, lacks empathy, and has a very strong need to always be right. His behavior also reminds me of the Energizer bunny... he just keeps on going and going with endless amounts of energy. My father-in-law and stepson also exhibit similar behavior to my husband. My father-in-law has a high level of energy, acts impulsive, is very abrasive and blunt with negative comments, claims to never be wrong, and has very little patience. My husband has said to me before that his Dad doesn't like to wait in lines because he can't stand still. My stepson is 13 years old now, and has gotten in trouble in school over the last few years because of being forgetful and impulsive. A couple years ago, I went along with my husband to my stepson's parent teacher conference at school and his teacher told us that my stepson was easily distracted, so she decided to move his desk to the front of the room beside hers. His teacher also suggested ADHD (in a round about way) being a possible reason for my stepson's behavior in class. The teacher said he was fidgety, played with objects a lot, and often rushed through his work. Although previous teachers of my stepson have made similar observations in their reports, and even a phone call home from another teacher about my stepson's impulsive behavior, my husband has dismissed the possibility of his son having ADHD. My husband has become very angry whenever I have mentioned the possibility, and has called me crazy and "off my rocker" for wondering such a thing. So I've been dealing with denial of whatever it is that they have for a long time. If it's not ADHD, what else could it be?

    Communication is a huge problem in our marriage. My husband frequently forgets to tell me things, or he waits until the last minute to relay information to me. Lately we've been arguing a lot. No matter what the conflict between us is about, the pattern is always the same... He'll say or do something that offends me, I'll react and express that my feelings were hurt, then he'll react to my reaction and he becomes angry and defensive. When my husband gets angry he lashes out and becomes verbally abusive. He also throws objects. For instance, just yesterday he threw some toy matchbox cars at me across a table where I was sitting and the cars landed in my lap, one day he threw his wedding ring across the room, another time he dropped his wedding ring in my cereal which I was eating with milk, and he also threw my purse across the room. In addition to throwing things when he is mad, he also sticks his middle fingers up at me with both of his hands as he verbally states the expletive that matches his hand gesturing. After he gets angry and lashes out, the avoidance sets in and the stonewalling begins. My husband retreats, shuts down, withdraws, and avoids me for many days. He refuses to talk to me even if I try to talk to him in a kind way. He ignores me and acts like I don't exist. I feel so invisible when he behaves that way. The stonewalling from him usually lasts about a week at a time, and the pattern keeps repeatedly happening. It is exhausting and emotionally draining. The anger and frustration has led to bitterness and resentment in our relationship.

    My husband complains that I "nag" him, and he says that he "feels attacked by me", and that he "doesn't like conflict" so that is why he avoids me. I am obviously triggering defensiveness in him. It is not my intention to do that at all. I want to be able to express my feelings without being dismissed, but my husband has no interest in listening to me talk about feelings or communicate his feelings to me. The only emotion he expresses lately is anger. After several days of avoiding me, my husband announced to me last night that he, "doesn't care if he's married to me or not", "doesn't want to talk to me", "doesn't want to be around me", and stated that if I don't like the way he acts, then I "can leave." I asked him how long he was going to behave this way, and his response to me was, "until he's done." So in other words, he's eluding to divorce. He also frequently threatens to call his divorce attorney... just last week he showed me her number on his contact list on his cell phone. I am not ready to give up on our marriage yet, but I don't know what to do to resolve this. We have already gone to couples marriage counseling for over two years with a psychologist, but stopped going almost a year ago. SInce then things have gotten progressively worse between us. I want to try going to another therapist, but my husband refuses to go see anyone again. I feel like I'm alone on an island. No one deserves to be treated as if they are invisible. What can I do to stop this vicious cycle? My current approach is obviously not effective at all. Please help. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you!

     

     

     

     

     

     

Pages