I really can't believe I am going to put this out there, but I have to get it out. Currently only my in-law's know (and my bff about the first...only recently). I will try to make this as concise as I can, but it will be long. Sorry.

Dh was diagnosed with ADHD about 5 years ago. He has been off and on with the meds and has been off for quite a while now. He is 37 years old and had no record up until last year. Last year, he had gotten fired from his accounting job in April. In May, I went to bed and he was working in his home office. I got up at 3:00 to use the restroom and he still wasn't in bed (not unusual). I got up around 6:00 to get our son up for school and notice the van (our only vehicle) is not in the driveway. I check downstairs. No DH. I wait a little while and get son off to school without alarming anyone. (My daughter is still home and I was scheduled to work a childcare job that morning.) I call DH and his cellphone rings...on our counter. So I have no way to reach him. By 10:00 a.m. I call hospitals. Nothing. I did acutally check the local county jail (thinking he got into some kind of brawl). No dice. Now I am worried and have no car to look for him. I break down and call his mom around noon. I am in tears and she is also worried. She and f-i-l come down here (about 1.5 hours away). We call the police and fill out a missing persons report. M-i-l and I drive around for a while. I get a call late that afternoon from the police that when they entered his name in to the database, it popped up for an arrest at 3:00 that morning for burglary. WTF?? Finally, he calls late that afternoon. First time he could get a phone. Can't say much, but tells me to bail him out. I told him his parents are there and he is upset, but then realizes why I had to call them. F-I-L pays the bail, we get him out the next day. The story: He did try to break into his old office to get some of his client's files (the clients he brought to this firm and took with him when he left.) I guess his card to get in the building hadn't been deactivated, and he somehow got into the office but triggered the alarm. He ran in the bushes and hid, but when police and company owner came out, he came out and gave himself up (figuring they had cameras). Did he ever call and ASK his old employers for the files? No, of course not. It was a shitty year of him having bouts of depressions (staying in bed all day), starting all kinds of projects to avoid work, super angry and bitter toward everyone and not working and/or billing clients. In January, all the court crap finally ended. He got 2 years probation, 20 hours of community service, and a mandatory mental health evaluation and subsequent treatment. At the end of the two years when all is completed, the class D felony (attempted theft) will become a misdomeanor. I was actually excited about the mental health eval. But has he made an appointment yet, almost 6 months after getting the info??? No. Nor has he done any community service. He is finally billing clients and focusing on work again. And then....

Last Monday I had to work all day. He needed the car so he dropped me off at work. My kids stayed home (they are old enough to be home for short periods of time, but not all day.)It was really busy (which is a good thing where I work) and I was in a really great mood. Until someone transferred a call to me around noon, saying it was my kids on the phone. My kids NEVER call me at work and we have disucssed that they should use that number (instead of my cell ) in the event I get dropped off and Dh doesn't come back for a while. That has never happened, but I always thought about a fluke accident (even though work is 5 min, from my house.) My stomach drops. They tell me that Dad hasn't been home since he dropped me off. They aren't upset or anything, but just thought it had been a while (3 hours!!) Now, they were perfectly fine, doors locked, can get themselves things to eat, etc. (they can probably stay home alone for longer stretches, I am just a freak about it.) I am supposed to work till 5 and have no way to get home. I tell my boss (who can see from my face) that something came up at home and could I please leave. I feel terrible, because it is so busy. She is understanding and I get someone who leaves at 1:00 to give me a ride.I get home, kids are just fine. Sadly, I immedaitely go to the county jail site and look up inmates. There he is. Right then, I get a call from m-i-l. She asks what is going on, because she got a collect call from the county jail but couldn't get to it fast enough. I start bawling and tell her the story and what I know (which is nothing right then.) DH calls her back and says right away the kids are home by themselves. M-I-L assures him I am now home. The story (and I don't know it all yet): He had gone a different way home a car pulled right in front of him. He goes around the left of the car and then has to quickly make a right turn, so pulls in front of the car and brakes to turn right. Car rear ends him. Person driving car turns out to be a cop. Yeah. Now, Dh tries to make this sound innocent, but I know his road rage. And I know he did it purposely to "teach the guy" a lesson. He does this crap all.the.time when we are with him. This time, he just did it to the wrong person. He is arrested for criminal recklessness. I guess several cops then showed up and were just hanging out by this guys vehicle chatting and talking. Now, is is possible this cop is being an a-hole? Yes. But, again, I know Dh's track record. So that was Monday. It is Saturday. DH is still in jail because I guess they have to review his probation and that can take up to 7 days. We have no savings, credit cards are maxed. I have to transfer money (and pay a penalty) from our kids' college fund to bail him out. Which I probably can't do till Monday. And I am thankful that the kids were home (albeit alone) instead of having to wtiness it all and deal with getting put in the back of a police car (they would have had to take them right?), cops having to come get me at work, etc.

M-I-L came down Monday so we could get the van that had been towed (there goes $200). She knew I would not want to tell anyone. Plus, she watched the kids when I had to work Tuesday. DS's birthday party was scheduled for Friday night. DH planned some big campout sleepover for him and his friends. I was not a big fan of how many kids were coming and how long he had planned it for, but decided it would be a good lesson for DH who decided to take this over. Now, he won't be here. My first inclination was to cancel, but DS still wanted to do it. I went ahead with it. I was proud of myself. Mowed the lawn, put up the tents, made the fire, and ran the whole thing. DH missed it all. I had to lie to people about where he was (stuck out of town for work) and also my friend who watched the kids so I could work one evening. My kids know he is in jail (when you only have one vehicle, it has been several days, and he works from home, it is kind of hard to cover it up.) The person who tells them NOT to lie just told them to lie to their friends about where he is. And if it weren't for needing him to bill his clients (I am working on finding a full-time job for the fall), I wouldn't care if he stays there. This week, besides the stress of knowing he is there and wondering what will happen to him, has been stress-fee. I can do dishes how I want, without someone telling me I am doing them wrong. I do have to look at his unfinished projects, but I know that no more can be started. I did have meltdown once or twice, but it has been pretty serene here. As of Thursday, he knew nothing about bail. So, I didn't take the money out, which means he can't get out till Monday at the earliest (that would be the 7th day, which is how long they said it would take to go over his probation stuff). he hasn't even tried to call here today.

My in-laws are upset and want to (well, my m-i-l, at least) want to sit down with him. I am already coming up with what I am going to say when I get him out. I am seriously writing it down. My first inclination is to tell him to get out, but since we can't afford two households and have one vehicle, that can't happen. Last time he came out. he was pissed off about everything. I think he finally got teary and gave me one decent sorry a few hours after getting home. Then it was piss and vinegar about how he was somehow "wronged". I am coming up with my ultimatums (first on the list...immediately call and make the appt. for the mental health eval.) I am just beside myself and cannot believe this is my life. I have no idea what he will be like when he gets back. What if he has to do jail time??? Ugh. I guess I wrote this to get it off my chest. I am not really expecting advice. I just cannot imagine telling people when they ask where my husband is, "Oh, he is in jail." If you made it through the whole thing, thank you. I am sort of in denial right now. 

All my life, I've struggled with being able to explain myself. My thoughts, feelings, emotions (at times), a book or movie plot (maybe not understanding it?) you name it. I wonder if this is part of my ADHD, or is it something completely different? I'm curious to know if anybody else has struggled with this, and if so, what are your coping mechanisms or ways of getting around this? I've thought of drawing the picture out on paper, but I SUCK at drawing, or art in general.

I have been spending a lot of time reading and reviewing comments and experiences on here over the past few weeks. I believe I may have stumbled on to some concepts that may lead to a better understanding of my situation. My wife was diagnosed with ADHD about 2.5 yrs. ago at age 41. You can read my earlier posts for the detailed background if you are interested. I am sharing this now at a very early stage in the hope it may spur some discussion to further develop the concept, or disprove it altogether. Let me know your thoughts.

I have observed that at least part of my wife's coping mechanism seems to be a kind of algorithm that runs in her mind. It appears she uses this algorithm to process visual information, e.g. body language, as well as auditory information e.g. intonation, and even to assess softer items like motivation or what she calls the "energy" of the person with whom she is communicating. We all do this in varying degrees. However, her ADHD distorts her perception ... particularly with regard to what I call the softer items and in many cases intonation. This distortion results in her making statements that are completely divorced from the social context or even topical aspects of a conversation. It can also trigger defensiveness. When this is seen by the non-ADHD partner frequently, over a long period of time it can appear the person is creating a kind of pseudo reality and can be absolutely infuriating for the non-ADHD person to deal with.

Like any algorithm, this one takes time to run it's loop or process. It appears if my wife receives input faster than the cycle time of her algorithm her default is that she is being attacked. Everything becomes a threat.

When we have been able to discuss ADHD symptoms and their affects in a civil manner it appears this algorithm will only allow her to introspect to a certain point before it crashes and resets back to a more superficial level. In a sense her ADHD is blocking her from really seeing her ADHD.

Last week my wife and I got into an argument in which she quickly became irrational and started yelling. I decided that in this case I would give ADHD no quarter. As she continued to get even more irrational and irritated I would calmly point out how virtually everything she was doing was a characteristic of ADHD. I have never in my life witnessed anyone as angry and out of control. It was like watching a tiger try to escape while it's tail was caught in a trap. I started asking her questions faster than I knew the algorithm could process and she actually started to drop her defenses and share some things she has never said before. Things like how she felt when she was young and her insecurities.

This entire situation lasted about 10 minutes. Interestingly, after she had calmed down and was talking again in a civil manner (algorithm reboot) she began to backtrack several things she said as well as attribute some behavior she had admitted was ADHD related as something else. And of course my fault.

In reading many of the posts it seems a good many adults are diagnosed with ADHD in their late thirties to mid-forties. Keep in mind that may or may not be true because the sample is limited to forum commenters here. If this is true I believe it is because that is when the wheels start to fall off for the ADHD person. In many cases the children have become more self sufficient which reduces the dictated task orientation that has been present for both parents when children are very young. It is also perhaps the same timeframe the NT partner begins to really burn out and starts asking some tough questions and tensions, conflicts and stress all rise. It is also a time in which long term planning starts to play a key role for couples. In our case it was a second marriage, consolidation of two families and houses, etc.

I believe my wife developed her algorithm at a very young age. I also believe the wheels are coming off for her because she is trying to apply a coping mechanism developed so she could pass an 8th grade final ezam into the context of a 43 year old woman with a career and a marriage. The work she is forced to do to sustain this is truly exhausting for her. It is getting to the point she can no longer maintain it.

I believe it was c ur self that stated "ADHD" is always the third person in the room". In our case it is a giant fanged, bloated, puss oozing beast, smelling of dung and decay standing in the corner. I hate it and I simply want to destroy it. What I have learned though is the giant is not ADHD. The giant is the coping mechanisms and denial. I believe when the coping mechanism was originally developed as a child one key feature was to shield my wife from the reality she was different. Subsequent layers were added like an onion until the beast was complete. Her secret locked away deep inside. It is her safe place.

So, I am not truly yet dealing with ADHD, I am wrestling with the giant of the coping mechanism. What l want to destroy she runs to for comfort and klings to with white knuckled determination. She protects the giant at all costs. It is her ally, it hides her secrets. The real her is locked deep inside those layers. She does not realize the freedom that awaits if she would only let go of the giant. She does not know it is in control, not her.

I believe the post by JJameson about skydiving was a very eloquent and symbolic representation of an ADHD person putting a silver spike into the heart of his giant. His leap from that airplane to join his wife in the freefall of life was the death of a coping mechanism.

My wife and I have been married just shy of 20 years.  We met in college, dated for 2 years, got engaged, and were married a year later. I was attracted to her physically, but also her fun-loving personality, and the fact that she was so easy to talk to. In hindsight, we probably moved too quickly, but that’s history.  After graduation with our bachelor’s degrees, we moved back to our home state, where I began work at a bank and she enrolled in college to finish up teacher certification requirements, which were necessary for her to teach in our state.  She took about 2 ½ years to do this, while I advanced at the bank. She subsequently got a teaching job for 2 years, but after our daughters were born, she decided she’d rather be home with them (which I agreed with).  What I didn’t know at that time was that “staying home with the kids” would last 15 years!  Each year, as the kids got older (we had a son, as well, 5 years after the girls were born), I kept thinking to myself, “Maybe this is the year she’ll go back to work”.  Each year, same thing – my hopes dashed while she found fulfillment in being a mom and lots of sporting activities.  Each year, financially, we fell further behind, but I always had the thought of “maybe next year” or “maybe this will be the year I get a raise and promotion”.  It never happened, so 2 years ago, I finally left the going nowhere non-profit I’d worked at for 13 years, realizing I needed more of a challenge and more of an opportunity to prepare financially for our future. This job change involved a move to another city.  She was our family’s cheerleader and support through this difficult time.  I couldn’t have done it all without her.  However, now we’re all settled into our new routines, with the exception of our son, who she’s homeschooled this year due to his ADHD.  She’s never been diagnosed officially with ADHD herself, though we’ve joked and wondered about it over the years.  Well, it’s no longer a joking matter, as I am increasingly frustrated.  We’ve been living on one income for so long but doing just that – eking by but not thriving and not putting any money away for college, which hits us with a double-whammy in 3 short years!  This is the source of my frustration.  I can’t get my wife to understand the seriousness of the situation.  WE DO NOT HAVE FUNDS FOR COLLEGE and we will not short of yet another job change for me (which I don’t want – I like my current role) or her getting back to teaching. We would be able to put almost everything she would make aside for college. She let her teaching certificate lapse so there is some paperwork/fees to get it reinstated.  We looked into that last summer, as she applied but wasn’t hired for a teaching job, and so the paperwork still sits on our kitchen counter.  No proactive “get it done” mentality at all on her part.  If it’s any work at all, she makes excuses. I made her aware (that’s the other frustration – I’m always the one finding the jobs for her!) of a local Christian school that was hiring. She could teach and our son could go there for a reduced tuition rate. A win-win.  Well, the application was a little too long for her to get through at the first try, so, there it sits on the counter!  Today I mentioned that a local public school district was hiring for next school year, in her subject matter. She barely seemed interested.  I finally asked “do you even want to work?”  She was fairly non-committal, saying “you’re lucky - you don’t have to keep going to college for your career”.  The aggravating parts about this is a) why’d we spend all that time and money getting her degree if she doesn’t intend to use it and 2) had I known a decade ago she didn’t plan on working, I would’ve had time to adjust, look for a better job sooner, etc.  As it is, we’re running short of years to accumulate college funds, not to mention me wondering what she’s thinking about life in general. She has accused me of “parenting” her, treating her like a child over the years. I’ve accused her of acting like one.  This has caused marital problems that we’ve gotten counseling for in the past, and it feels like things improve for a while, but then soon revert back. I do feel like the only adult in my marriage and it’s wearing thin.  Any suggestions would be much appreciated!