Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • anger that leads to triangulation by: jennifer6313 10 years 5 months ago

    Has anyone had a ADD spouse that has just been "angry" with them for no apparent reason (maybe that he resents that I've had to be "in control" of so many things/ He feels "parented" by me) for years/months and then continues to turn your teenage children against you-gang up on you?  My husband has shown contempt for me for years--(I can somewhat understand that he is hurt/frustrated/shamed that he can't do and initiate what he says he WANTS- to be in charge, to take over more of leadership with our boys, our family, but he just can't/won't at this time -maybe when he gets some coaching & help) and now I feel "unsafe" in my own home..At the dinner table, in the car, he will literally allow and encourage my boys or start ridiculing/humiliating me himself.  I could be asking a question, trying to get a schedule worked out, whatever, and somehow he becomes Mr. Hyde and it's dad & sons against mom.. 

    In the past I have swallowed my pain, and tried to comment back--but it usually makes it worse.  Now, with the advice of my counselor, I just get up and leave the room...this is heart breaking and feels like verbal abuse!!  Since I have had to be disciplinarian-- he takes full advantage of making me the bad cop--he will even deny that we had an agreement about a consequence/ situation and cave in to the boys.. He has never been able to say no to his kids, nor follow through with any consequences or boundaries we have set, so of course, the boys look at me as the mean parent...

    I have tried for months to explain how I am feeling--unsafe, and that our boys need to see us united--he even agreed to apologize to me in front of the boys--but he never has!  

     

  • Can't afford husband anymore...financially or emotionally (warning RANT) by: Underwater 10 years 5 months ago

    I'm new here....and have so much I'd love to shout out at some people who may understand. For years my mom and sis were telling me my husband was ADHD and only a few years ago did I realize it's probably true.

    Our entire marriage has been a struggle from the beginning...started with the wedding plans and giving the DJ and Pastor the wrong month for the ceremony, got worse when we bought a house and I had to do everything and found out he had been hiding serious debt, bad checks, a warrant for his arrest for fraud b/c of bad checks and student loans. We moved from stable jobs and good income b/c he found his 'dream job" and was laid off from it 6 months later, throwing us into major debt. When we became pregnant with our first child I realized I'd have to work from home b/c he didn't make enough to support us, so I am now the bread winner and have been for awhile, it keeps a roof over our heads. We have had constant money strugges...I am frugal and financially motivated. I thought by now I'd have a good savings and a nice house but I feel like he has been holding us back. I spent 6 years paying down the debt he(we) created (he was constantly taking my credit card and using it) and can't rely on him to pay any bills. I tried once and spent hours on the phone rectifying it with the credit card company when he didn't send in enough money!! He spends his money willy nilly, wants his big lawn mower and the biggest problem he is CONSTANTLY breaking things! I can not tell you how many shovels, rakes, snow blowers, roof rakes, saws, drills, furniture etc he is always breaking. And it's always an "accident" or "unintentional".  Now the car accidents... 4 deer, a stop sign, a turkey, a frost heave (which required engine replacement b/c he was going so fast it punctured his oil pan and then he drove his car to work...his brand new car) and just recently another car. I can't take it...$1500 for his blown lawn mower engine..he doesn't take care of anything. His brand new car is now disgusting with burns and coffee spilt all over...it's so gross I can't let the kids in it!!!

     

    It's bad enough he's a money drain but I can't rely on him for anything. I can't even let him have a phone conversation and expect to relay a message properly. I can't tell you how many appointments have been messed up b/c he didn't write down the correct date or forgot to write it down at all. We had to pay over $600 for our bathroom b/c his miscommunication with the contractor who he said OK'd the shower we bought (I guess he didn't!).

    When our kids were real little (7 and 5 now) I was scared to leave him alone with them...he left broken glass in our kitchen that our son cut himself on, he leaves his lighters and matches all over!!, I am always catching his safety hazards.

     

    The good parts...he does help with the kids, he does mow the lawn, he does work 40 hours per week, he does try to please, he helps with the house only after I get frustrated with the mess. Financially I pay ALL the bills....he gives me $600-800 a month from his check (he only makes $11/hr) and I have to nag him for it and then he gets pissed b/c I'm nagging him.  I'm always like I shouldn't HAVE to nag you, you should WANT to support your family and pay a portion of YOUR bills! He wants wants wants but doesn't earn.  I do everything...I schedule all the car maintaince, oil changes, insurance, house insurance, bills, inspections, health insurance paperwork on top of my working from home.  And we have 2 kids with medical challenges and I organized and schedule all their doctors appointments. I do online garage sales to earn extra money....and then he usually spends it by "breaking" something.

     

    The lastest is he has a crush on one of my friends. I know it and he thought I didn't...it was obvious. So he was so excited to go up and see her and I called him out on it..he said OK yes he likes her but would never act on it b/c his marriage is important to him. I don't know....it's 50/50 I am up and down..I love him but then I never pictured myself to have this life. I feel trapped. And now his MOTHER LIVES WITH US and she is so lazy she sits on her butt all day and watches TV and eats and smokes and drinks coffee. It's disgusting. At this point he's a good father....it's better then being single I guess, I don't see us together when the kids are grown....I'll be done raising my kids then and don't need one more, that's what it feels like, I'm his mother. I have to tell him to brush his teeth for peete's sake!

     

    I am just venting.....I'll write a more productive post later... he has many many good solid points I just need to rant about the bad right now...lol.

      

  • Frustrated about communication by: PoisonIvy 10 years 5 months ago

    I'm trying to figure out how to communicate with my husband but I don't want to dwell on him.  Whenever I communicate about my feelings about relationship issues, he fires back with bitter and snarky comments.  But if I communicate about an issue (e.g., money) and request a response and I don't say anything about my feelings, he doesn't respond.  Yesterday, he said in an email that he is less likely to respond to my messages if they contain "negative asides."  Unfortunately, it is hard to determine what he considers a "negative aside" to be.  For example, I asked him to get paid this week (he works for his dad and gets paid in cash and doesn't seem to be on a regular payment schedule; he was last paid one month ago).  No response.  Is this no response because my husband thinks money is a negative topic?  

  • Looking to vent by: navywifeobx 10 years 5 months ago

    Hi all,

    i am simply looking to vent. I have a lot on my mind & sometimes I am overwhelmed merely thinking about it. My husband who has ADHD & I (do not have adhd) have been through hell and back it seems. Things have been better lately,he acknowledges what he does wrong, he's going to individual counseling  every 2 weeks. He also accompanies me to marital counseling every week. We seem to be communicating better, once I stopped being so angry & finally let my anger go. I guess I am just afraid of the future. My husband is active duty navy, he's been in going on 8 years, so he has managed to hold down a job. Yes he is impulsive mostly with money, but recently he set up his paychecks to be deposited into my checking account, and he will have an allowance. I was surprised he agreed, but I finally put my foot down & said if he couldn't communicate with me about money, & be responsible with it, this is the best solution. My husband used to have a bad porn problem, probably 8 or so months ago was the last time I've found any. It broke my heart & would cause a lot of fighting, he says he finally understood & I haven't seen any around since. We've also been through the lying, mostly when he wants to avoid conflict or spare my feelings. I left for a month & went home to my parents after I found out he had taken out credit in my name. That thank The Lord hasn't happened again (I have I.D theft protection now & I made him pay off what he had charged last tax return).

     

     

  • Sorting the emotional stuff from the tangible stuff. Keep the good, toss the bad. by: I'm So Exhausted 10 years 5 months ago

    Stuff.  It has been an ongoing bone of contention since before we married in 1984.  Now our own property is overrun with stuff. I do understand his need to have items as his creative mind can truly make amazing things out of items I would label as junk.  

    I truly do not know what steps to take to get to a place of harmony.  I can state some examples.  

    1.  My spouse is very patriotic.  We got him a huge 10 foot by 20 foot US flag for Father's Day a few years back.  I wanted to put up a flagpole.  My spouse 'created' a flag pole from an old antenna tower.  It is painted red, while and blue, it is held up by ropes strung to our trees and phone pole.  He admires it.  I shudder at the hillbilly atmosphere it brings. If that were all, I could handle it.  

    2.  He saves stuff to 'sell.'  He currently salvaged student classroom chairs from a school that was being demolished.  I looked out the window today to see two blue plastic chairs, strapped to our phone pole on the roadside, with a for sale sign hung on them.  

    3.  We have a make shift tent he put up last November to have shelter from the winter weather to fix his service van.  It is fashioned from our picnic canopy frame with a huge in-ground swimming pool cover slung over it.  Still up, and now full of stuff.  He claims it is mostly our son's stuff.  In reality, a small corner, I am guessing  1/25th of the interior,  is our son's stuff - since he cannot get into his side of the barn - because the huge tent-o-junk is blocking the entrance.   (Oops, notice the bitter sarcasm there. . . . .)

    I spend way too much time on clutter control.  I want to just throw stuff away.  

    How do you get to place where - he is not angry because I am throwing away his precious stuff - and I am not angry living in and among such clutter?

    To me, the irony of this place I now find us in - his father was a hoarder.  It took YEARS to clear their family property of all the 'good stuff' his father had saved.  My spouse hated it.  Now we are becoming it.  I am in such disbelief over the whole evolution.

     

  • responding to sarcasm by: perfectstorm5 10 years 5 months ago

    My ADHD husband and I are at the point of separation after 30 years of marriage.  I just told him that I plan to move out in September.  I did a lot of work on my own to get to the point where I clearly communicate my boundaries to him, and he is using one of his most common conversational weapons to respond to me...plenty of sarcasm. The problem is that I truly can't tell any more if he is being sincere ("Sounds like a fair proposition") or sarcastic. I am wondering if anyone else has any suggestions for overcoming this. (I have been asking him to please avoid sarcasm for a long time)  He acts insulted when I ask him for clarification because I am not sure what he really means.

  • Tips Sought on Treatment for ADHD and Support for Spouse by: alana 10 years 5 months ago

    I am brand new to this forum and I'd like to first start by saying "thank you" to Melissa Orlov and Dr. Ned Hallowell and to all the folks who come here to ask questions and leave comments. I can't begin to express how beneficial it is to find that I am not the only one dealing with this issue. I have found myself increasingly isolated as I've had to deal with my husband's issues, and to be honest, the only thing that has kept us together all this time has been the terrible economy and the potential financial ramifications of separation and divorce.

    I am open to suggestions on how to get my partner to get tested for ADHD or ADD. To listen to him, all of his problems are due to external factors and other people. In the twenty years we've been together, he's lost at least 12 jobs and has been unemployed for at least 3 years. His last job loss came a couple of weeks ago after working just six weeks.

    A few years ago we received marriage counseling and he successfully convinced the counselor that he had never been at fault during the job losses or his previously failed marriages. The counselor told me initially in private that he thought he suffered from Aspergers but backed off that diagnosis as counseling progressed. Our sessions ended up being my husband and the counselor chatting about grilling and "guy stuff" and it ended up hurting us more than helping us.

    Then two of my friends, both school teachers, told me that they'd been trained to look for symptoms of ADHD and ADD in their students so they could receive testing and proper help. Without knowledge of what the other had said, they both told me they thought my husband should be tested and that he displayed some of the typical behavior. However, my husband is convinced that everyone else is at fault, including me. So I am at a loss as to how to broach the subject of testing - or where he would receive it - without causing World War III.

    At the same time, I've withdrawn more and more from friends and social activities and have fought depression. My husband is constantly telling me that I created problems that I didn't, that I said things I never said, or that I am at fault for decisions that he made. During marriage counseling, he said he did not care what I did, didn't want to hear about my work or any volunteer activities I've been involved in, or basically anything about my life that did not directly relate to him. It has reached the point where I can only speak to him in 30-second "sound bites" or he accuses me of talking the subject to death. Half the time, he "edits" what I say to him, instructing me on how to say it with fewer words or in a manner that he approves. I walk away rather than fight, but the result is that I'm keeping an awful lot inside and I've lost a huge chunk of who I am.

    I have a lovely home and I like living in the town I currently live in. But I am facing the very real possibility of having to give up what I have here and move to another state where the cost of living is lower, so I can start over by myself. I wanted to be married and I wanted to have a significant other to spend my time with, to plan my future with, and to share my days with. But since I can't make any plans with him - he becomes very frustrated just a minute into any conversation - and I can't talk with him, and he admits that he doesn't care about anything I do that doesn't involve him, I am at a total loss here.

    If any of you have been through something similar and have words of wisdom to share, I am all ears. Thanks in advance.

  • Disappointment by: Lmanagesall 10 years 5 months ago

    I'm once again disappointed with my kids dad (ADD) and his reaction to our daughter wanting to play lacrosse for the summer.  In the spring, he took her to 1 or 2 games, stayed for 1, and took her to practice once a week- down the block from home. I was at every game, stopped at every practice after work and took her home. I paid for the season and made sure her uniform was purchased, paid for and clean every week. Our daughter wants to play for the summer. I asked her dad: Our daughter was asked to play summer lax league- it's mostly away games about 20 minutes Away from home I believe. I don't have anymore info than that yet. She would like to play. There's a game Thursday night and I can prob get her a ride there. I can pick her up/meet her. Are you on board? I expect to be able to get her rides often but that may not be the rule. I have not committed her yet. He wrote back: She has also been talking about soccer.  I will not commit without knowing some type of schedule.  if it will be like the other one than I am not sure.

    I'm so disappointed. Our daughter is doing nothing for the summer. He won't pay for anything. He does not have a regular job to report to. We own our own business (he plays, I manage). I work full time and commute 3 hours a day. I'm just so disappointed that he does not support his kids. Although he would post on Facebook if he showed up at a game...  How do I continue to deal with the disappointment? What do I say to the kids? 

  • Messy by: jennalemon 10 years 5 months ago

    Dh has his areas of house.  I have mine.  His are messy, disorganized, greasy, dirty, disheveled.  Mine are cleaned and tidy and organized.  Sunday night after company, I didn't feel like washing the dishes, so I didn't. Yesterday I didn't feel like doing the dishes in the kitchen so I let everything out on counters.  Today I looked at the messy kitchen and thought, "This is what dh's areas look like all the time.  He doesn't organize or prepare or clean his areas.  Will he notice that the kitchen is a mess and that there is no silverware or dishes?  If I stopped being concientious and had no food in the house prepared for lunch and dinner and didn't bother to make dinner, will he notice?"  Does he expect me to take care of all the little things to make a home a place where he is able to eat and navigate while he messes and hoards?  I will let my areas of mess go and see what his actions are for a while.  See what happens....I will bet he will be surly and angry but will not put into words what is bothering him except to cuss and posture at me....I bet he will be slamming things today in the kitchen because I don't have things "ready and organized for him" like a wife is expected to do.

    Just an experiment.  I know it will not teach him anything...but I am trying to figure out how I got into this weak-willed situation I am in and how I let so many of my own boundaries drop.  How had I gotten to the point of being a little afraid of his reactions and enabling our unequal expectations? 

  • When to give up on marriage? by: StrugglingSpouse 10 years 5 months ago

    After years of discord and struggle, I decided to leave my ADHD marriage. When I informed my ADHD husband, he insisted he would do anything to "keep our family together." As an example, he explained that we fight because I'm too controlling and he needs to assert his individuality. He offered to "give up his individuality" if it meant I would stay. In the days since I said I was leaving, he's been Mr. Perfect - home on time, brings flowers, no major conflicts. After years of riding this roller-coaster of a relationship, I don't believe he can sustain this focus on our relationship.  Now, I feel incredibly guilty for leaving, yet I can't bear the thought of staying in this relationship. 

    Some history - Early in our relationship, my husband's ADHD symptoms made him seem fun and spontaneous. When we had a baby, he was of little help, and our relationship deteriorated rapidly. I dragged him to marriage counseling and got his ADHD diagnosed. He insisted it was just his "personality," and we abandoned both marriage counseling and him getting treatment for his ADHD. He lost his job and made little effort to find a new job, living in denial while I stressed over both the baby and our finances. He finally got a new job, we moved to a new city (with me managing the entire move), and I was left a weeping wreck. In the last six months, he has made significant improvement in parenting, taking on some responsibilities and being home more. However, our relationship has been strained at best. We rarely converse except about our child, sleep in separate rooms, and argued when we did interact. I no longer trust, respect, or love my husband. I decided it was time to move on with my life, but he's desperate to maintain the illusion of our happy marriage. Now, I feel overwhelming guilt that makes me hesitant to leave, yet I don't believe I can ever be happy in this marriage again. I could really use some input from those who have been at this point.

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