Hello everyone I have been reading through these forums for about a month now trying to work up the nerve to make a post and ask for help or advice, but I'm at a breaking point in my marriage and really need to know what a community of people who have experience with ADHD to possibly sort threw some of this mess.

me and my wife have only been married for a year and a half, just had a baby girl a few months after marriage, I knew I had a problem with ADHD, but no money or insurance to go and get help. Long story short I have always had a short temper, just way to much going on in my head at any given time, and would react with the first thought or feeling I could get out. My wife constantly misunderstands what I am trying to say and takes it as a personal attack, and is now claiming that I was emotionally abusive and is in fear for our daughters safety. my therapist believes that because she has a previously diagnosed mood and anxiety disorder, she may be going threw a postpartum depression. I have been taking adderall for about a month now and my anger issues are under complete control. And I can think a lot more clearly then I have my entire life. I don't want to lose my wife, or my family any advice would be great, and I'm still working on getting thoughts out of my head clearly so any questions feel free to ask and I'll do my best to answer. Thank you for your time.

Ok, so what do I do?

This has gone on for most our 7-year marriage. Horrible, horrible unresolved arguments. Countless times that I have felt I have just wanted to get out. But I haven't. I guess it's the ADHD that's meant that I have been able to quickly forget, forgive and move on.

Ok, am I organised - no, am I forgetful - yes, do I follow through on what I say I am going to do,sometimes but never in the time scale my other half expects. Can I be tactless - yes. Am I socially awkward yes.

I am 39 and was diagnosed with ADHD 18-months ago - it was a game changer. Until I took Ritalin I had been living in a fog my whole life. I just didn't realise.

Wife understands but does not appears to accept the ADHD - if I really cared and was committed I would try harder and sort it out. When I was diagnosed I read loads and bought my other half to read too. We went to a Melissa Orlov seminar about a year ago which I booked. I was really hopeful that this would help my other half understand that our relationship is not unusual for an ADHD couple and that we could start working at things together.  The outcome was not what I anticipated. My other half only became more angry - "so I just have to give up and accept that the rest of my life is going to be like this!"

But here's the crux. Even with undiagnosed ADHD I have a good, really well paid job. I have learnt to play to my strengths. I manage (well if you can call it manage) all the money at home. Not out of choice, rather my other half is just not interested. She is not a reckless spender ( well not any more) but she never checks the bank balance, is is unable to manage a budget and just doesn't seem to see how things just add up. Debts just keep building. In the first few years I spent around $80k bailing her out, not that I think she has ever acknowledged.

Over the years I have had to take responsibility for all the bills. The one she agreed to take on she didn't get round to paying. It wasn't the top of her priority list apparently. I do the weekly food shop. I often get accused of buying the wrong stuff - she is keen to plan our meals and pull a menu together. Problem is she has never managed to follow through.

She accuses me of not following through but she allocates pretty much all administrative type tasks to me - whether it's booking a holiday, phoning a plumber, getting a builder round. Never has she picked up any of these task but seems only too happy to use my failures to beat me round the head.

We both have full time jobs and try to split child care equally. In 5-years I have only forgotten to pick up the kids once, although I am frequently/usually late, albeit not by more than 5-minutes.

Marriage is sexless (perhaps every 6 weeks) and has been pretty much since we got married. Yeah there are times when she's more interested and it's good but it never lasts for more than a week. It's not because I have lost interest in her - I still fancy her rotten.

I have no hobbies any more, and few friends. I was an elite athlete but I realised I would have to give this up when my other half became pregnant (my decision not hers). Almost every evening I spend with my other half, unless one of us is working. When I have been invited to nights out with other dad's I am always very late - not because of my time keeping but my other half insists I get the kids to bed first.

Weekends I do most of the child are - and enjoy it. My other half seems to get especially stressed around the kids. Since our oldest was about 3-months old until 5-years I have been almost exclusively the parent who has to get up in the night to comfort her.

Arguments, and I mean real shouting matches, are at lest a weekly event. To often in front of the children. I hate this. I am rarely the instigator of the shouting, although she may be riled by a thoughtless but non-deliberate I make. I try not to respond, particularly if the kids are around. But at the same time I know I can give as well as I get and it almost inevitably escalates.

I struggle in arguments, my other half sees them as a means of communication and that need working out there and then but for whatever reasons that just doesn't work for me. I just end up blaming her as much as she blames me. It's almost as though I cannot think at all in a shouting argument. My head just feels like it is going to explode - literally. Generally I try and walk away but this just winds her up. I guess experience tells her that I will just forget it by the morning so it will go unresolved. The result is she will just follow me shouting and calling me names - "not a real man".

The other week she followed me upstairs, yelling at me. I couldn't face it and I did not want to rise to the bait, and I was also worried about waking the kids so I wend downstairs to the lounge and shut the door behind me. Again she followed and spend a good 20 minutes trying to break the door down. She even got a carving knife out to help her prise it open. All the time yelling at me, telling me to grow-up. I have no recollection at all about what instigated the argument, but I think it was something pretty mundane.

It's not that it hasn't happened before, it's just that I really feel it has got too much for me. I am at the end of my tether.

I have tried to remain positive and keep trying for years, but to be honest with some real doubts as to whether it can ever work. I do wonder whether my underlying doubts have meant that I have not fully committed...I really don't know how much I have caused her to feel this way?

Yes she nags, bosses, belittles, but then I often/usually think I am right, can be socially awkward, forgetful, and am apt at foot in mouth, at least at home.

She keeps telling me I need to be more romantic, but it's hard to be make big romantic gestures to someone who seems to be constantly angry with you.

My wife suffers from moderate anxiety. She always has, although I suspect my ADHD behaviour, particularly when it was undiagnosed, caused it to sky rocket to intolerable levels. She accepts she has it but has always been fearful of getting treatment. She has never managed to follow through with her intentions.

I have two beautiful girls (5 and 2) who I adore. A beautiful house which I bought. We break-up being the man the chances are I am going to come off worst and I also worry that her inability to manage money is going to result in me having to bail her out for sake of the children.

Bizarrely, and I only say bizarrely only having re-read this, I still love her. She is beautiful, charming, strong (in-public), is universally respected (including by me), we generally share views and most values, and when she is not angry or stressed she is affectionate and I really enjoy being with her. She says she still loves me - I believe her. I just don't know what she loves about me or why she wants to be with me. I don't mean this because I have a low self esteem, rather that she never articulates the things about me that make her love me.

I have gone and booked a hotel for 3 days to try and get my head straight. For once calmly and not on the back of an argument with the anger still raging. She tells me I need to be clear, and she's right. I think she was really shocked and disappointed when I actually went. Normally I (or she) would just calm down and forget it.

I know that we have to break the cycle that we have been following for the past 7-years. The pain, disappointment, anger, loneliness followed by one or two good months of it feeling like we might actually have a chance of sorting thing out by "trying harder" and then back to where we started.

We have been having marriage counselling for the past four months, which I instigated, but no progress. It's just a refereed blame session. What the hell do I do????

I'm not sure I know anymore.  How do you know if you are in love?  I've been married for over 10 years to my ADD spouse and we have two wonderful children.

Although my ADD husband is attractive, I'm kind of grossed out by sex and even kissing him, and any contact between us is just awkward.  I think it's that whole parent-child dynamic we've got going on.  But it's not like I'm some prize, I should be thankful he's attracted to me!  With my own self esteem issues I'm so lucky someone wants to be with me...why don't I want to be with him anymore??

When he travels occasionally, I look forward to it.  I am so much less stressed.  When we are apart, I don't miss him.  When I come home from traveling or even just a day at work I am not excited to see him, in fact I get depressed.

I keep thinking as we try to work through the issues associated with his ADD, things will get better and I will be attracted to him and in love again...but does that really happen?

Hi there,

Im a first time poster, and, like Im sure many of you, I am tearing my hair out over my spouses symptoms. Every day, all day, his symptoms are a problem. I have been lurking on this site for a while, and I really appreciate that a lot of you know exactly how it is. I feel awful but comforted, if that makes any sense, and Im really sorry that you-- whoever you are-- are in a position to know. I wouldnt wish this on anyone. I need to vent, so take this for what it's worth okay? Im not saying Im completely right, nor that he's completely wrong. I understand that no one is perfect. But... since Im telling this from my side.... here we go.

Yeah, my husband is a great guy-- to everyone else. Just you know, not to me,  the person who is supposed to matter most to him. I believe he means well, and Ill give him credit for that, but he never follows through, expects to be praised lavishly for absolutely no action at all, then gets defensive, mean, and verbally abusive when I point out that he doesnt really deserve praise for doing something if he  (dun dun dun!) hasn't done it. If I want an apology for letting me down in that regard, I get an "Im sorry youre so oversensitive". Thats NOT an apology, my friends. Thats blaming. There's no responsibility taken at all for his actions, his inactions, the hurt, inconvenience or disappointment he causes. Somehow, it's all my fault. If I had kept him on task... but if I try, he wont do it because Im nagging. If only I had reminded him, but then I get yelled at for doing that, because I didnt do it at a time that was good for him or in a tone that he approved of ("Hey, could you please..?" is offensive, abusive, and completely unacceptable, apparently). He stresses me out constangtly, then demands I not be stressed out, because he doesnt like being around me when I am.

We disagree constantly, and while I am very frustrated and occasionally get harsh, I do try to think about what I say and how I say it. If I am unduly harsh, I apologize immediately, because that kind of thing deserves an apology, you know? It's harder and harder though, because Im always walking on eggshells. If he clearly has misunderstood, and I say, "Oh, I think I didnt word that right, because it seems to me that you've misunderstood what I was getting at", he feels free to curse at me and call me every name in the book for ... get this... calling him stupid (Wait...), telling him that he cant do anything right (what?) and not just admitting that what he thinks is the problem is actually the problem (I don't even...). There is NO way to talk to that man without getting yelled at and then him cutting the conversation off because of his perception that any disagreement equals unbridled, undeserved hostility. 

When I try to speak to him-- calmly, rationally, and using every last bit of patience I have-- I get talked over. I gently point out that he doesnt like it when I interrupt, and Id appreciate if he wouldnt interrupt me, and then, oh dear, the fight is ON. That, to him, means that I dont respect his adhd, that I am demanding that he just "get over" his disability to make myself comfortable, that I am being selfish/controlling/demanding and that he, again, can never do anything right. Then, surprise of all surprises, I get obscenities screamed at me for being such an insensitive you-know-what about something he cant help, and then, to *punish* me, he ignores me for hours. He makes a big production (isnt everything a production) over how he isnt perfect, yet seems to find it a-ok that he demand nothing short of perfection from me.

Its such a double standard. He doesnt have to have patience. He can yell and scream. He can drop the ball on any issue and Im supposed to praise him for the mere fact that he agreed to take care of an issue, though he didnt actually do anything. Yet, in the meantime, I get more work, I get yelled at, I get sworn at, I get accused of everything under the sun, and he has zero patience at all. Im not a spouse. Im not a partner. Im a servant who exists only to make his life better.

For example, I was dead on my feet after 2 hours of sleep yesterday and thirteen hours of house cleaning/renovations. We have company coming and there are a ton of last minute things to do. I was literally falling asleep at the dinner table, and he offered to do the dishes. I agreed and thanked him profusely for taking that off my plate, so to speak, then immediately after dinner, I went to bed. I woke up this morning to find that he hadnt done a thing. The dishes had dried on gunk, and what wouldve taken him 30 mins to wash at the time took me 2 hours. I brought it up, and ultimately, I was told that he didnt want (his wants! So many wants!) to have that conversation with me, because he *meant* to do it. I didnt drop it.  I told him that I wasnt going to go unheard and I was sad and disappointed and frustrated, at which point he called me a petty b-- and told me to f-- off, and that he hated me. I intellectually understand that he feels defensive and that he just doesnt have any reasonable coping strategies, but it's impossible not to take this personally. I do not, and will not, excuse this behavior.

I know this isnt just ADD or ADHD. I know there are plenty of folks with ADD or ADHD who arent complete jerks.... but, alas, my spouse is not one of those people. I hate to admit this, but he's just awful, and every time he opens his mouth to defend himself against a percieved slight or to tell me that I dont actually feel the way I do (because thats not what he intended and his intentions are all that matter), I find myself less and less open to loving him. I believe every person is worthy of love and respect, and I would love to see him get that love and respect, but not at the expense of me or the kids. He and his feelings are important, but no more or less important than anyone else's.

I know this may surprise some of you ( just kidding, it wont) but he wasnt like this before we got married. Hyperfocus, and all that. I feel tricked into marrying someone I NEVER would have even accepted a second date with if he acted then like he acts now. And, again with no big surprise, I resent him greatly for that. He's like a child. If I had wanted another child, Id have gotten pregnant and had one, not married one. Hes medicated, and feels that his job in controlling his anger and irresponsibility is done, and anything left over is my doing.

Honestly, my relationship sucks. I want out, but, a small part of me still wants to try before I throw in the towel and bid him adieu. Where the heck do I go from here?