Hello, I have been dating a wonderful man for 4 months now. In those four months our relationship has completely spiraled out of control. Some of it I feel is me not understanding his ADHD. Him not communicating, and possibly the fact that he feels like he is an alcoholic.  THere is no talking to him. He shuts down immediately when I try to quietly communicate my views. As I read more into ADHD I am seeing things that trigger his shut downs, but I did not know it would be something I need to research before starting a relationship. I do want to be with him and work things out but I feel that his mood swings and his anger towards me belittles me.  Some of his comments are extremely rude and I am not sure if it is him or just the ADHD.  He constantly tells me we were a mistake and that he doesn't want to be with me. He has left me because he couldn't "stand to be around me" anymore because I was having a down day. I don't feel like the only person in his life, he constantly talks about his ex when he drinks and makes me feel like I don't amount up to her even though I do everything I can to make him happy. I try to talk myself down when he starts his mood swings and try to leave him alone (as he has asked me to do) but then he gets mad because I am not paying him any attention.  At this moment our relationship is so strained I don't even know where to go. I would like to get as much information as I can to continue to try and help him work through this because I am not ready to give up. I just don't know where to go from here. Any help or direction would be greatly appreciated.

~Lost and confused.

So, I posted earlier this week that I decided to end my relationship with my DH of almost 3 years because of his lack of effort to maintain and work on his own condition.  His ADHD has made life very painful for both of us, and I finally cracked.  It has become a choice of spend time with my mother in another state because she has stage 4 cancer that isn't getting any better, or stay with my DH and work on our relationship.  I have been on this treadmill for 2 years since his diagnosis but he still wont even take his meds.  Here are the details if you want background:

http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/end-my-rope-how-i-recover-how-heal

The past few days have been brutal.  On one hand, there is some relief that I can now move forward and not have this hurt anymore, on the other hand - I love my DH very much.  And I hate to see him go down like this.  He is spiraling into deep depression.  He told me he hated himself, that he always had.  He went to get his hair cut by my friend and she called me when he left and told me that she was worried for him, that he seemed like a zombie.  That he was lost and seemed empty like a shell.  Between that, his admission that he hates himself and then his care free, chipper attitude, I have been very confused about all this.  He has shut down - that much I can see.

I haven't slept much, reading everything I can in this forum.  What hit me the hardest was reading about the ADHD spouses and how hopeless so many of them seem to be.  It breaks my heart.  I know that if I pick up now and end things, DH will revert to the bad habits, and shut down even more.  I could see him becoming a very lonely and sad person and that just breaks my heart.  I decided to try something - I haven't seen many people post about this, but I read about one non-ADHD spouse who basically ran with the whole parent/child dynamic and laid down some very specific rules and very specific consequences that you would give a child.  It WORKED for her.  Her success has inspired me.

I sent an email to DH last night (so he would read it this morning).  I told him that I didn't want to divorce right now.  That I wanted to do a trial separation.  These are the rules (copied from the email I sent):

*************

Here is my offer (we can clarify any of this stuff with your input and what you want to negotiate on if you agree to this)

I will stay in this house for six months.
I will help you find a place to live during this period of time ASAP.
I will help you get settled into your new place.
I will pay for all medical, prescriptions and therapy.
I will again provide you all the tools you need to gain control of your ADHD and address the very deep depression you are in.
I will keep <your dog> here to help you find a place to live for this 6 months.
I will expect you to come stay at the house when I have to travel for any reason.
I will expect you to come at least once a week to visit with the dogs and to work with <your dog>.

For me to do this:

I will require that you have weekly individual sessions with our therapist, attacking your ADHD issues with a vengeance.
I will require that your go to your doctor to adjust your medication before you move out and again, minimum 3 months as long as you see some effect from the meds.  If you don't have any effect, you need to go back to the Dr as soon as you know your are not benefiting from your meds.
I will require a minimum of couples therapy with our therapist every two weeks in addition to your one on one sessions.  After the first 2 months we can reevaluate and increase or decrease those apts.

During this 6 months, I will expect you to be doing the work to take control of your ADHD.
During this 6 months i will expect that all promises made will be kept.
During this separation, this doesn't mean our marriage vows are over.  We will simply be living apart so that each of us can self correct.  I will be working on my own issues and doing my own sessions with Clarissa.

I would like you to consider working with an ADHD coach to help you handle perception and routine and priorities etc.  I would pay for it.

I want you to read the marriage ADHD book I bought and sent to you're work before you move out. It's short and you can easily get through it in a month.

I want to keep our communications open, no lies, not betrayals etc.  we will have to be completely transparent. Just like we are now.

I want you to gain control of this, not just to try and save our marriage, but also so that you can have a better life and not hate yourself anymore.  Your ADHD is very severe and what I hope is that when you can take the time to work things out on your own with out the preasure of fear of failure and hurting me more.

It might be that by the end of the six months, we part and go our separate ways.  But we will be better prepared for it, and we can end things on a more positive note.  It might be that as you take control, your awareness and empathy builds and helps you make changes enough for us to start new.  I want you to learn to love yourself and to build good habits of self reliance and care.

As we go through this separation, if you truly do love me like you say, you can court me again, but this time it can be sincere.  I don't expect it, but I would not say no to dating if you get to the point that you want to be with me.   You will have to give me reason to believe it other than words.

I want to take away the enabling that I have done which has not helped you grow.  I am handing you the tools, but it is 100% your choice to follow through or to not follow through.   It will be very obvious if you do these things, and i know that the first step is meds.  It's going to be up to you to decide with out interference from me on what to do and how to handle routines.

I cannot do this for you, you have to be the one to decide if you are going to determine your own fate, or if you are going to let ADHD determine your fate.

As for me, I plan on getting control of my health, my sleeping and my hurt and anger.  I also plan on getting back on track eating and working out.   I want to regain my confidence and self worth.

You may hate yourself, but i don't hate you.   I love you fully for who you are, and. I think you are pretty great as a person, but I don't like ADHD and what it does to both of us.  I think this separation will help us handle what ever the outcome is better and with less anger and strife.

The  ball is in your court.  I am not saying that this will save us and our marriage, but it might save you and help you conquer your issues and it will help me deal with resentment and anger.  And if we can make that's progress, then we can evaluate at the end of six months and either move on and divorce, or move forwards in retraining how we handle ourselves together.

I see this as what do I have to loose , especially compared to the gains.

*************

I know that this will be hard, and will require a ton of trust.  But I think that I can at least detach my self safely, gives me more time to work on my own issues and it might help him.  We will separate financially etc - so I will be protected as will he.  He will have to be responsible for everything on his own now.    I also would require proof that he is taking his meds etc, the only way I can see that is if I tell him he has to text me or call me every morning to tell me he took his pills.  He isn't opposed to taking them - he just doesn't. 

He replied with in minutes of reading the email saying it was a good plan, and seemed very intent on wanting to do it.  We plan on talking in detail tonight about it.   Today, he came home, got his Dr. number and is planning to call him at his next break at work.  Yesterday  - he came home and for the first time ever, just started doing some chores around the house with out me saying they needed to be done.   he went into our bed room and I thought he was packing because of all the noise and the drawers opening and closing.  I went in there, and holy smokes.... he was cleaning and sorting laundry.  I was so shocked I just started helping him and told him how nice it was that he thought about doing it.  Told him that it was a great idea and that we can work on it together and get it done.  The whole time we were friendly, even joking and it actually was a GOOD time. DOING LAUNDRY! haha  The whole night was relaxed and good.  And that what inspired me to consider a trial separation.

I definitely know that this could be the end, just being dragged out.  And really - its likely that is what is going to happen.  But it will at least give me time to recover, and to give him one last chance to work on himself with out the fear of failing me on a daily basis.  And I will be able to walk away with a clear conscience, knowing I did everything I could to help him succeed for himself, not just for our marriage.

I would be really interested in advice, suggestions  - anything to help this be successful. 

I'm a 26 year old male with ADHD. My wife and i met 7 years ago at work, were dating for 6 months then engaged, stuff progressed fairly quick, were married six months after that. two months after marriage my wife was pregnant with  our first child. I Spent my 21st birthday at home with a pregnant wife, went through kind of a crisis, tried to prepare for our first by buying a house, two cars and so on. Wife went back to part time finances were tough, and oh snap shes prego agian.  After the second was born she quit work(which we both wanted) and stuff got real tough.  she was dealing with PPD and i was dealing with being an adult, i drank too much wasn't there for her, was pretty much all around a terrible husband, but a decent father(minus the drinking of course). i worked hard to support my family, we ended up going through a bankruptcy lost our house, and cars and started over. since then, she's takin over the finances, does a wonderful job, shes a stay at home mom and is going to college, rough but am very proud of her, we've had a third child which was planned(no more though), and i make a 6 figure salary.  I do IT work, one of the benefits of ADD is the hyperfocus in this field, and I apply coping mechanisms and fumble my way through the rest of the job(which not to toot my own horn, but i'm pretty good at). i wasn't diagnosed until i was an adult, though my teachers pushed my parents to get me checked out, my parents did the stereotypical, he's a kid. It started causing problems in our relationship, me turning up the radio while she was talking was the straw that broke the camels back. i still maintain to this day that i was in fact listening :). anyways diagnosis was pretty easy, as my doctor i was a sys admin for, and he already suspected it as i figit and play with stuff all the time. he put me on concerta, is a miracle drug, i took it for a while, then because of insurance costs, i switched to ritilin LR or something, didn't like it. so i self medicated for a long time on caffiene. started taking concerta again about 2 years ago, again its fantastic, still only lasts about 12 hours though which gets me through work, but not home, and i don't take it on weekends. My wife is wonderful, my last job i traveled quite a bit, packing was absolute hell, she got me checklists which made it more bearable, and always took med when i was traveling, in fear i would get side tracked or caught up in something and miss my flight. again i fumbled through it with her help. lately life has been pretty good, started a new job a couple months ago, i don't travel any more, i work 8 to 5 then go home, sleep in my bed and see my kids every night. Financially we are sound and are even starting to build up a savings, my oldest is in preschool, my wife still stays home with the kids most days except when doing stuff for her school, i dont drink anymore, Our life at this point is pretty much picturesque. the problem is even though we make a concerted effort i feel like the flame has died in our marriage. both of us are very busy, we really don't spend much time focusing on each other. romance is all but gone and its taking a toll on the both of us. she struggles because i admittedly am not much help around the house. i procrastinate with the best of them, constantly give the "yeah, in a minute" response any time she asks me to do something. she takes care of the house and kids almost completely on her own. i mow the grass, though not in a timely fashion and try to take out the garbage when i think about it. We speak a different language when it comes to love. I buy her things, and try to do small stuff for her to show my love, when her perception is i don't love her because i didn't take the bins to the shed when she asked me to a week ago. I asked her to pick me up a dessert last night, which she spaced no doubt because she was dealing with 3 crying kids, which hurt my feelings because to me its the little things i percieve love as. never mind the fact she's spent 4 hours this week doing my laundry, i just don't see it that way, instead i get hurt feelings over trivial things. I'm hard to deal with, i leave things in the middle of the floor, accumulate computer parts and outdoorsy stuff like a hoarder, am temperamental and get very angry over trivial things. It pisses me off every time i go in the room to find the babies swing on. Why? i don't know it just does. I don't like lights, sometimes i get pissed off because she tries to ask how my day is, its unfair and i don't know why i get so frustrated, sometimes i just don't want to talk. instead i want to get lost in a video game then get upset with her because she doesn't give me any attention when she's been trying to talk to me for hours. We keep trying new solutions to try to deal with it, but it seems very hopeless. I'm broken, its not a crutch but it legitimately does affect a lot of aspects of life. i have a hard time getting motivated to do stuff with the family. i don't know why, its not that i would mind taking my kids to the Smithsonian, or chuckeee cheese, i just have a hard time getting motivated to do it. or i set aside time to do things, then get sidetracked and hours later its too late. i start projects and fully intend on finishing them, but don't follow through. it took me almost a year to get around to hanging curtains in my kids play room. believe it or not i'm not lazy, and when it comes to complicated things i work harder than most. I've spent three days straight without sleep working on projects at work before, yet can't get around to making a bookshelf? how do i reignite the spark with my wife and bring back the butterflies, and how do i bring myself to do the things she wants to show her i love her. it seems that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I can make short term changes and get motivated to get better, but in the end it always ends up with the same fight. Life sucks sometimes.

This may be a long shot, but just curious if there is, perhaps, a commonality with this like there has been with so many other things among us all.

Do any of your ADHD partners often get sick/or are often just always feeling a bit "off"?

My ex-BF seemed to be sick so often (it was long distance so obviously hard for me to ascertain).  He very often had headaches, heartburn, felt foggy...he caught colds easily and often had stomach issues.  He also had a sleep disorder and if able, would often sleep for 12-16+ hour stretches.

He also smoked and refused any suggestion of mine to potentially make himself feel better in any way...citing genetics for his weak immune system, the famous "this is just how I am" line, while at the same time denying he could possibly die from lung cancer like his father had because he believed his dad was exposed to issues at his job in a factory, not because he also smoked heavily.

Anyway...just more curious than anything to see if the sick thing is common...