Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Reality sinking in by: Second Chances 10 years 9 months ago

    Hello to this wonderful group,

    I read Melissa's book and found this forum last summer. Have only now found the nerve to officially "join" and post. I was married for 14 years (no kids) and when it ended in 2011, I vowed that I would not make the same mistakes again. I haven't, yet I've made a whole slew of new, perhaps worse, mistakes.

    I am 46 and my boyfriend is 57. We've been "shacking up" for two years. We met at a business conference and immediately hit it off. Although he told me that he'd been diagnosed with ADHD in the past, I really had no clue what that meant - for an adult to have it, that is. He seemed like a very well-accomplished entrepreneur, someone thought highly of in our industry. (I have the same type of business, of my own.) I had NO idea what "hyperfocus" was, but I've sure learned now. It was a whirlwind romance (long distance, no less) and we moved in together in a new part of the country 3.5 months after we met. Yep.

    Hindsight may be 20/20 but it's also a b*tch. I should have asked more questions. I should have been very clear with my desires and expectations. He too had been married before and had been divorced 10+ years, but his was a messy situation with an ex that wished him dead (and still does), and two young-adult kids in the mix, who want nothing to do with him (ostensibly due to the ex-wife's brainwashing them to hate him, over the years.)

    Fast-forward to now. We've been shacking up for two years. I bought the house that we live in. I bought every single appliance and piece of furniture. I pay all but two of the monthly bills/utilities/expenses and I pay all the "big" household stuff like insurance, home warranty, etc. Of the two "shared" household bills that are in his name, that he agreed to pay, both are habitually paid late and have been threatened to be shut off, or have been shut off. The worst being a year ago when he was so late paying our internet/tv/phone bill that our internet was shut off. Back then I still had my head in the sand and didn't realize how far behind he was (and that he seemed not to care) - until I tried to log onto my laptop that morning and had no connection. Because BOTH of our businesses depend 100% on internet access, that was a particularly horrible time. I'm still not sure why I didn't force him to move out, right then. On two occasions, his mother (who is in her 80's) bailed him out by giving him money. To pay off his car and later, to settle up some legal issues that were lingering with the ex-wife. Yes, this man is 57 and his MOTHER had to bail him out. Ugh. I certainly was not going to pay.

    The reason he insists that (his, thus "our") finances will be better in the future is because he has a new "public" gig that has been in the works for ~2 years and is just now coming to fruition. In theory, yes, this "job" COULD bring a lot of money. But right now it seems to actually TAKE more time, that he could/should be spending "work-working" - and we've not seen an increase in his income. This new "project," which I admit IS very exciting, goes hand-in-hand with his regular business. But because this project is "public" in nature... to the outside world, he has the tiger by the tail. All of his friends online and most of them in real life see him as a leader, as a huge success. If they only knew. :-(

    He spends huge amounts of time on social media. Yes, some of that time is "working" I admit, by promoting stuff, etc on Facebook or Twitter. But a LOT of that time is spent simply surfing the web, in the time-suck of Facebook, etc. He has his phone set up with notifications, so that he gets a "ding" or sound every single time he gets an email. Or a text. Or a Facebook message. On and on and on. His phone might as well be glued to his hands... it is maddening.

    He does not take meds for his ADHD; he did so once in the distant past and said he didn't "like it" so he just let it go. He was Dx'd by an expert in the field, yet he is not interested or willing to get "treatment" now, in any form. I asked him to read Melissa's book and he downloaded it to his Kindle, but he's only read the first chapter or two. He says he is "too tired" to read... or has other excuses. Yet he has time to play stupid games and post humorous (crap) on FB, etc. Nice priorities.

    I apologize for this long post, but I don't really know where to begin. I love this man and want to give him every chance. But my finances are suffering and I did NOT sign up for this. I moved across the country to start my life over. I signed up for a partnership... in every sense of the word. And while I am relatively successful in our field, I don't have the many years of experience - and the "leadership role" - that my boyfriend does. So why am I making so much more money? Why is he not trying? He should be running circles around me, in terms of income. And I honestly believe that he is capable of this. He promises to do x, y and z - that will help him make more money - but he does NOT follow through. I have tried speaking to him from my heart. I've cried. I've begged. Pleaded. Even yelled a little bit. I almost set an ultimatum... but for the most part I caved... I just couldn't do it. I think that at this point, he is comfortable with me towing the line. He knows that I *will* pay the bills, that he has a fabulous roof over his head, a beautiful house with a pool, etc. Yet it strikes me as so disrespectful and thoughtless that he doesn't make the effort to step up his income and chip in. His words say one thing - but his actions speak much louder.

    Of course this imbalance in finances has nearly ruined my sex drive. At times it feels like I cannot even respect him, which feels awful, sad and frustrating. I know from reading here, and in the book, that my REACTIONS are key. And I feel like I've learned more about ADHD than he has... and yet I don't know what to try next.

    Any suggestions would be wonderful. Again, so sorry for this long post. Thanks for reading.

  • Let's hear some Valentine's Day stories! by: RoadtoRecovery 10 years 9 months ago

    I'd love to hear some positive stories from today. As we know, ADHD can be used to come up with some very creative and romantic memories. What did your loved one do for you today that reminded you how much you loved him/her? Positive stories only please. Leave negative stuff in the Slug Box.

  • Daily Prayer to help ADD and non-ADD alike by: RoadtoRecovery 10 years 9 months ago

    The Perfect Love

    by Ruth Myers

    Dear Lord, I quietly leave in Your hand each concern that could cause me stress today: The things You want me to do and the things You want me to leave unfinished, or even unstarted. The relationships You want me to have and the ones you want to withhold or take away. The joys You will bring in my way, and the trials You will allow or send. The ways You want me to succeed and the ways You may let me fail, or seem to fail. The opportunities You want me to accept and the ones You want me to pass up. The doors You want to open and the ones You want to close. The ways I would like to glorify You and the ways You may use others instead of me. The times You want me to meet peoples' needs actively, and the times You want me to just listen or to stand aside and "merely" pray. The deadlines You want me to meet and the ones You may want me to miss. The results of my labors, great or small, noticed or hidden. The ways I will bless or disappoint other people, and the ways they will bless or disappoint me. The human approvals that You will give, and the disapprovals that will prod me to rest in Your gracious evaluation. I leave it all quietly to You, my God, and depend on You to work in me and in those I love: to nurture and protect, to tear down and build up, to reprove and to guide as it seems best to You, my wise and loving Father. I step out of Your shoes and leave Your responsibilities to You. I let my life drop back behind You, to follow at the pace You prescribe. Help me sense inner tensions quickly and then "leave it all quietly to You." I am Your servant. I'm available to You to fulfill Your purposes, and Yours alone, in Your way and time. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

  • Revisionist Conversation History - I feel like I'm being gaslighted! by: antihoarder 10 years 9 months ago

    Do any of you ever find that your ADD spouse remembers conversations incorrectly, and then becomes upset when things don't work out how they remembered it should? It happens so often in my house that I sometimes feel as though I'm being "gaslighted". The only way I can see to prevent the problem is to record (either digitally or handwritten) every major conversation we have - but then I fear DH becoming defensive ("What do you mean, you've been keeping track?")

    Example: on Monday we had family coming over for dinner. DH doesn't work and was home all day working on some projects and making a general mess of the kitchen. When I came home from work there were two piles of newspaper pages on the kitchen table. I started cleaning up in prep for our company, since they were due just minutes after I arrived home and no prep work had been done on cleaning all day. I pointed at a stack predominately made up of newspaper articles: "Are you done with these?" "No, still have to go through those." Then, to the other stack predominately of coupons and coupon inserts to the paper: "How about these?" "Yeah." I thought it was strange, because he's more of a coupon-clipper than an article reader, so to be sure, I pointed again at the coupons and said: "You're done with THESE? The coupons?" "Yes."

    And so they were thrown away, and the article stack was put on a buffet table in the kitchen so we could eat at the table. Now here it is on Thursday, I'm at work, and I receive a text from DH: "What did you do with all the coupons from Sunday's paper. I found the rest of the paper sitting on the table in the kitchen." I replied and told him that they were thrown away, and reminded him of our conversation. "That's backwards. I needed the coupons and didn't need the rest of the stack. I said I hadn't gone through the coupons yet." So I told him, "Yes, I thought it was odd, so I remember even asking to clarify a second time about the coupons."

    ...and, no response. He'll be upset today when I get home from work and make at least two "digs" at me for throwing away his coupons. Yes, I'll admit I am a neat freak (and this is NOT easy when married to an ADD-er) and I have a habit of stashing clutter in strange places (hide it in a cabinet, in a desk drawer, etc) when company is coming over and I'm at a breaking point with clutter all over the house. But I've NEVER thrown away an item of his, and I've never lied to him.

    This is not uncommon. If I try to ask him a question while he's doing something (playing a game on his phone, working on a hobby project, looking in the fridge for someone to eat - whatever, really) he'll answer and then not remember it at all the next day. Or, we'll have a conversation and two days later he remembers it completely incorrectly (things said that weren't, weren't said that were, etc.) When we're inevitably fighting about it later, he sticks to his guns so intensely that I find myself doubting my own recollection - which is ridiculous! If I bring up something solid/confirmable to prove I'm right, he shuts down: "Well, whatever."

    Have any of you dealt with this? How do you handle it? If I start keeping a log/journal about this, he'll become incredibly defensive, but he clearly doesn't trust my recollection as is.

     

  • Strengthening ourselves by: PoisonIvy 10 years 9 months ago

    A very good friend of mine is enduring problems much like mine in her marriage.  Although her spouse does not, as far as we know, have ADHD, he does seem to have a personality or character disorder that has manifested in similar ways as my spouse's ADHD and related disorders (depression, anxiety, oppositional behavior).  My friend and I both struggle with moving forward while bearing the burden of being the main breadwinners, parents, and housekeepers in our families, either without our husbands' emotional and physical contributions or with them behaving in openly contrary ways.  She shared the following quotation with me.  It has been a great boost to me, because it reminds me of all the ways I've been forced to grow and develop because of having to take on so many tasks that I formerly was uncomfortable with.

     "A way to help you cushion the fear of leaving comfort behind is to constantly push yourself beyond your comfort zone. You’ll be amazed at what new bridges form, without consciously building their framework. New opportunities will arise, and toxic factors in your life will fall to the wayside."

    Here are some things that I now do because of changes in my husband's behavior; all have made me more independent and self-confident and proud of myself:  Preparing income tax returns; preparing financial aid applications; driving in snowstorms and on slippery roads; providing nursing care to our dying dog; with my daughters' help, burying the dog in our backyard; arranging for work to be done on our house; engaging in financial transactions.  

    What are yours? 

  • Inside the life of a non-ADHD spouse by: PoisonIvy 10 years 9 months ago

    Notice I did not say "the" non-ADHD spouse.  I would never assume that anyone else has the same experience as I've had just because he or she is the non-ADHD spouse.  (And yes, I also think people, including me, shouldn't assume that they know what is going on in the brain of my husband, the ADHD spouse.)

    I go to work and feel as though I don't fit in, because I'm aware that my coworkers have spouses with jobs at which they actually get paid regularly and they deposit their paychecks in the bank and they're not in danger of losing their homes, and I no longer am that kind of person.

    I feel as though I'm dead or my husband is dead, because he never initiates communication with me and he responds to only about 10 % of the messages I send him (typically fewer than five per week).  

    I wonder how to get into that world of people who are in marriages in which both spouses have been faithful to their vows to support each other.  

    I don't know what the proper role of a parent is when the other parent is either mentally ill or has a personality or brain disorder:  besides doing double the work as a parent, do I also tell my daughters why their father neglects them?

    I spend a lot of time wondering how to say to my husband, in words he can understand, that if he doesn't pitch in financially, I can't pay bills.  

    My brain feels like a pretzel and my stomach knots up when I contemplate the common belief that I, as the non-ADHD spouse, should know exactly how my husband's brain works and should have eternal patience and understanding, whereas the common belief is that he owes me nothing.

     

  • Trying to learn more by: jennalemon 10 years 9 months ago

    I have been watching YouTube sessions with PhD. Russell Barkely.  I am saddened by the lack of knowledge we had in our family and in our culture about ADD.  How impatient I had been all these years not realizing there was something different in my dh's and maybe my son's brains.  I wrote in my journal 15 years ago that everyone stopped talking in our home.  I remember being saddened and also upset that no one talked or shared.  I didn't know what was going on.  I didn't understand why we could not talk about goals, decisions, agreements. It seemed to be a family that refused to connect or plan or cooperate. Or to work on solutions to challenges or problems. There was no leader and when I tried to lead, I was met with resentment or name calling.   Everyone doing their own thing.  It felt like it was manipulative and mean-spirited to keep to themselves and not share their thoughts, feelings and lives with me. It seemed there was no cooperation. I didn't know.  I didn't understand.  There is so much learning to do.  Even though, it has been lonely and frustrating to all of us.

  • When reality dawns by: I'm So Exhausted 10 years 9 months ago

    I finally see clearly the dynamics in this quote from Melissa:  "ADHD creates many challenges in a relationship, particularly if the ADHD is untreated or undertreated.  But it's not just ADHD symptoms - the other spouse's response to the those symptoms is equally important in how you get along.  Part of the reason your relationship has gotten worse over the years is because your reactions have become faster and more emotional."

    This is my 29th year of marriage.  I have spent the past 3 years putting on the emotional brakes. I have specifically spent the past year getting away - as much as possible - from the symptom-response-response cycle.  I have specifically spent the past year trying to undo the parent/child relationship into which our  marriage had evolved.

    There is so much involved in getting to the place of deciding to end a marriage.  

    The family dynamic?  Well, I guess it never really was what I thought.  

    Dividing our assets?  I do not want a 'war of the roses', and yet I am also not just willing to walk away.  

    My daughter adores her Dad - as she should, and  she is married and no longer lives in this house.

    My son - he lives here.  He is looking for a house to buy and move into soon.  

    My deadline - it was January 28th - 3 years.  It came and went and he did not acknowledge it.  It is MY deadline.  It is MY boundary for enough is enough.  It is impossible to declare independence without making a huge family disruption - I am not sure I can bear carrying the brunt of it.  

    I am realizing that I was like a child who misbehaved to get attention - negative attention was better than none.  Intimacy was a subconscious bargaining chip. I did not purpose to with-hold intimacy to punish him.  However, in hindsight, I see it did get his attention when several weeks had gone by without it.  Then on went the pursuit. He would brush my hair.  Or rub my back.  Or snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie with me.   And I knew, as soon as we had any intimacy, I would be at the beginning of the horrible cycle.....being ignored until the desire for intimacy with me was built up again.   What a horrible cycle.  Sick.  Dysfunctional.  Disappointing.  

    This is not where I wanted to steer my relationship.  About 6 months ago, in my Christian faith, I totally gave my spouse to the Lord for care taking. . . .I did my best not to nag, or argue, or bring up anything that was conflict.  Believe me, my relationship to my spouse since has been all fluff, as everything in our life is conflict.  

    How much tension is around here?  Here is a current  example:  We have a 100 hours available on our DVR.  I watch what I record, then delete it.  There are 3 adults who live in our house.  My son and husband want to record the Olympics - - - lots of hours, but do-able.  The State of the Union address was recorded for my spouse.  He watched it. I asked if he was finished with it.  It was a trip on eggshells for me to ask,  but it was an easy question.  He blew a gasket, and has been ranting for the past few days already. "100 hours on there and I can't even have 90 minutes?  Who has all the other stuff?  Why did you even have to ask?  Why can't you just leave my 90 minutes alone?"  I told him I only wanted to know so I could protect it - - otherwise the Olympics will just record over the oldest items on the hard-drive of the DVR.  Then I left the conversation.  And he has had his hackles up ever since.

    This is not a pleasant situation in which to live.      

  • ADHD Too Stubborn to Change by: slksavel 10 years 9 months ago

    After years of begging, my DH is finally going to be seen by a psychiatrist. He's been off meds since 2011 when he had his heart attack.  It's been a struggle because he stopped taking his antidepressants too so he's been a real treat to live with for the past year especially. /saracasm.

    I am glad that he's going to try to get some help again, but I am also realistic about how long it will take.  Meanwhile, I have to live with his behavior while trying to parent two young kids, manage my own PPD and preexisiting mood disorder, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

    I want to detach with love, I guess.   But I get angry and I don't know how.

  • Codependency by: devilsangel 10 years 9 months ago

    I've been reading a lot about codependency and realize now how much it has affected me and how I dealt with my guy. Previously, I had just been reading about his ADD, never knowing I had anything, which of course is also codependency...trying to fix someone else. I'm not sure where my codependency started. Everything I've read says it can start from something in childhood, but I can't really think of anything there. I have to wonder if it could've happened because my first love/best friend of 9 years ended our relationship by writing a letter and then I never saw him again. I remember the only thing we ever disagreed about in 9 years was one day he wanted to listen to Metallica and I turned it down. That was the only thing...it was one of the last times I saw him. So...moving on to my exhusband...I don't know what I saw in him, but he came around about 6 months after the last relationship ended. What is stupid is I knew he was an alcoholic, his whole family was...I don't drink other than a glass of wine maybe once a month. He was a rock  music freak, but not wanting the same thing to happen, I overlooked that. Somehow, we ended up married, had 2 kids, and I have no idea what went wrong other than I was very involved with two little kids and never really had time for him...never noticed he had started sneaking beer on his way home. His mom died and 3 months later, he told me he wanted a divorce. I was sad, but honestly, I didn't care. 

    I was alone for 5 years when my guy came along. Maybe I was desperate, I didn't feel like I was. I remember thinking he was quite the flirt for being someone who had a girlfriend, but he said they were having trouble. To start with I had told him, he should try to work it out with her, but he kept after me. Finally, I told him he needed to pick and he did...he picked me and said I made him happier than he had ever been. I don't doubt that, but I see now where I tried so hard to keep him happy. The man is not a happy man so as you can imagine, I had my work cut out for me. Once again, I overlooked things that were important to me in order to keep him happy. He hated country music so I never played it...never said anything when he'd cuss...watched all his tv shows....the list goes on. I realize now I should've had boundaries. I gave up so many of the things I loved to keep him happy. His ADD, or maybe it was his Adderall, set him off sometimes. I was always caught off guard because it was always so random so I never thought about telling him he had to treat me with more respect. I always just wanted to calm him down and make him happy so he wouldn't do it  again. Eventually, we fell into the pattern of parent /child, which I guess is also a codependency thing. I know I still wanted to make him happy, but I started to fight back and he didn't like it so he pulled in the other direction. He said several times that I was a control freak, but I felt like to many things were spiralling out of control...classic codependency. We struggled so much the last 6 months and I remember wishing he'd leave sometimes, but he never did and neither did I. For all our troubles, I still wanted him around. The last time he blew up at me wasn't even a fight, none of them were really, a lot of times he was actually mad at himself and took it out on me. I had finally had enough and sent him a text that said I'm DONE. He came over that night and was SO SAD about all the things we had planned that wouldn't happen. Knowing what I know now, I could've used that as a time to reset the boundaries. He didn't want to go and I wanted more than anything to kiss and make up, but I agreed to a break instead. For the first time, I actually had boundaries, but then he got so defeated by that and went out drinking, found another woman because he thought breaks never end and totally went off the deep end thinking we'd never get back together. He wa so upset when I actually told him I wanted him back, said he wished I had said it sooner. I think maybe he has a little codependency too.  I had asked when he wanted to move his stuff out and he said he wanted to leave it here. So many of the things he said and did just didn't make sense...still don't. He's been with the other woman since last October and last week he brought me his appt card and 3 months prescriptions for his Adderall to keep. I don't get it really, but just put them away like I always have. I am so not sitting here wishing he'd come back, but in the back of my mind, I know that eventually he will. There's a reason he can't tell his family that we're no longer together. 

    I'm really not sure what to do. I don't think our story is done, which is also a codependency thing, although, I'm not wishing or hoping for it. I just feel it. I'm not chasing him...only text after he does and keep it short. I don't hear from him much, which is ok. I just get this gut feeling that I have not seen the last of him and I want to be prepared mentally for whatever happens. I don't want him to show up one day and I just say welcome back honey and let him walk all over me so he's happy again. It's a crazy thing this codependency does to your brain and way of thinking and acting. I recognize it now so I feel like I have made progress. On the other hand, I know it is what is also preventing me from telling him to take all his stuff and never call me again. I don't think I can do that, but I do think I am getting stronger as days go by.

    I can't afford therapy so putting it all out there and asking all of your opinions is going to have to do for now. I've read all I can read online about this. I have been doing more things for myself, painting, developing some new paint colors for the furniture I redo. I've made an effort to not do things for my kids that they are capable of doing. I am learning to let go of some things and make new boundaries for others. But...I am scared that I will just fall right back into happy making if he does come back around. So, for any of you who have been through all of this, what did you read or do that helped? I know some will say I need to move on and I get that, I really do, but I just feel like I need to have all the information possible that will help me to deal with him, no matter what happens. 

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