Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • there is hope by: kathy6521 10 years 9 months ago

    My husband (ADHD) finally let me go to his doctor appointment with him. I knew he had not told his doctor everything that was going on (forgetfulness, distraction, shutting himself off from the world, etc.) mainly because he didn't realize how it was affecting our marriage. Let me back up a bit: just before Christmas we had a huge fight and we both said things we hadn' t said before. Deep painful emotions came out and a separation was brought up. We decided to play nice to get through the holidays and talk some more after. So, we talked and really said what was in our hearts, good and bad. I love this man so much and I know he loves me. I suggested he go to the doctor, take me to help fill in the blanks and try a different medicine. Then we wait a while to see how it goes, then discuss our marital situation. Back to the doctor, when asked questions, I watched my husband lie, but I realized his conception of time is a bit warped and he just didn't know his actions were different than what he perceived them to be. The doctor asked me questions and I told the truth, mindful not to berate or humiliate my husband. Honestly, it was if we were living the pages from Melissa's book. He has new meds and they are working, though not quite a high enough dosage. He's helping more, listening more and just basically loving more. I know he never intends his behavior to hurt me and I am so fortunate that he really is a good man. He has never done anything bad, no porn, no affairs, no deal breakers, never called me names, never screams, rarely gets mad. His main problem is withdrawing into his private world and forgetting the rest of us. And yes, I take full responsibility for my own behavior toward him. I feel terrible that I put him through probably as much hell as he put me through. In the end, we know we were meant to be together and this is our 20th year, married for 18 in May. We both will do whatever it takes to make it work. I now look at this man in a new light and feel that I really understand him now.

    I have read and identified with so many other's painful posts, but at the same time I am so grateful my husband does not do many of the awful things other ADHD spouses do. I am sorry for those having to endure them and wish them strength and happiness.

  • ADD vs NPD by: summerrhiannon 10 years 9 months ago

    My husband and I went through a very difficult time over the past 2 years, but especially the past year.  I diagnosed him myself with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  I am a nurse, but not a mental health professional.  It just seemed to fit.  I couldn't figure out any other explanation.  However, some things really didn't fit.  I just thought maybe his case was mild.  My dad, however, has NPD, but his is severe, bordering psychosis.  Children of parents with NPD are usually drawn to others with NPD.  I thought that I had found myself in that situation.  It turns out I was wrong.  I was wondering if anyone else has thought NPD before his/her spouse was diagnosed with adult ADD.

    NPD Traits: arrogant behavior, lack of empathy for others, need for admiration from all, cocky, self-centered, demanding, think they deserve special treatment, defensive, impulsive, manipulative

    ADD Traits: zones out when others are speaking, distracted, struggles to complete tasks, tendency to overlook details, poor listening skills,chronic lateness, forgetful, impulsive, poor self-control, blurt out rude or inappropriate thoughts, irritability, defensive

     

    As the wife of an ADD husband, I assumed his zoning out, being distracted, not helping with chores, inability to problem solve, etc were due to him being self-centered and thinking he deserve special treatment.  Things got so bad that he started having an affair and avoiding me.  I kept trying to have a discussion with him about what was wrong in our marriage and how we could fix it.  He was immediately overwhelmed by the conversation and would start making comments that he knew would make me mad.  It felt like he was manipulating me.  I felt he had no empathy for me.  I cried so often.  He would stare at me and say, "Why are you doing this to yourself?" refusing to take any responsibility for what he was doing. 

    Since he started Adderall, he is a totally different kind of person.  He has the ability to be very sweet and loving.  He is still forgetful and struggles with attentiveness, but we are doing better than we ever have.  I just worry because I know that he can build up a tolerance.  I am paranoid that everything will fall apart again.

     

     

  • Intro by: summerrhiannon 10 years 9 months ago

    My name is Summer (36) and my husband is Scott (31).  I have 2 daughters (13 & 10) from a previous marriage and we have a daughter (8) and son (5).  We live near Cincinnati, OH.  My husband has ADD.  I never really knew much about it when I met him.  He was taking Adderall when we met, but stopped soon after.  Everything seemed right in the world when we met.  He was hyperfocusing on me and feeling the euphoria of being in love.  I told him I thought he didn't need Adderall, but just liked the effect of it.   I thought he was just abusing it and encouraged him to quit taking it.  

    Scott is a computer programmer and web designer.  He had a job when we met working for a friend of his dad's (he lost that job about 3 years later).  He also had an internet business that was bringing in money.  He was 22 and had recently dropped out of college because he wasn't doing very well academically, but doing well financially.  I was 27 and recently divorced with 2 kids.  My ex was a police Lt who was very little fun and also hardly ever around.  ?Scott turned his attention on me at a time when I was starved for attention.  I was drawn to Scott's energy and excitement.   Also, I found him to be brilliant and creative.  I knew my husband was very forgetful and not very good at anything involving responsibility, but he was so much fun that I was more than willing to manage things around the house.  Things began to deteriorate about 5 years into our marriage. 

    A little history about me: My parents were polyamorous.  They had a girlfriend when I was growing up who lived with us and slept in the same bed.  My parents and I have had many discussions about non-monogamy and why monogamy was not logical.  I ended up cheating on my ex-husband and deciding that I was not a monogamist.  When I met Scott, I told him I wanted an open relationship.  The first five years of our marriage, we occasionally had sexual involvement with a friends.  It was not often and we never did anything sexual separate from each other.  I told him I was considering us having a serious girlfriend.  I did lots of reading about it and was open to a polyamorous triad.

    Five years later, a woman who was a casual acquaintance of mine ended up getting involved seriously with Scott. I told them both it was okay, even though many red flags were going up telling me it wasn't.  My husband began hyperfocusing on her and completely ignoring me.  It seemed that all he ever thought about was this other woman and she was smitten with him.  She was married, but was very unhappy and considering a divorce.  I wanted her to leave her husband so that she could really commit to us.  The problem was that I saw it as an "us."  Scott and the other woman just wanted to be with each other.  I felt like this woman getting in the way of their love for each other.  I even tried to distance myself to give them space to be in the moment of new love.  After a few months of his involvement with her, Scott ended up telling me he wasn't in love with me anymore.  I was heartbroken.  I couldn't believe he would do that to me.  Up until this woman came into our lives, I thought we had a marriage better than anyone I knew.  We were best friends.  Then he suddenly didn't want me. 

    I was devastated.  The girlfriend felt guilty enough that she ended the relationship with him, or so I thought.  He continued to see her behind my back for the next year (I only just found out a few months ago).  Things got worse and worse between me and Scott.  He seemed totally withdrawn from me.  Eventually, I told his parents we were considering divorce.  They insisted we attend a Catholic program for struggling marriages called Retrouvaille.  My husband and I are not religious, but Scott's family is Catholic.  Retrouvaille was so much better than I expected.  It really helped me and I felt that Scott and I were connecting again.  We actually spent an entire weekend focusing on each other.  I was so happy that at one point, I remember jumping up and down on the bed in our hotel room laughing.

    After Retrouvaille, things got a little better.  I got my husband into yoga and we attended some classes together.  Suddenly, he was totally into yoga and going every day.  He became friends with his yoga teacher.  He started inviting her out.  I tried to like her, but we just didn't click.  Then, he told me he wanted to have sex with her.  I told him I did not want him to get involved with another married woman.  She was unhappily married and starved for love and attention. I started telling him that I didn't want him to hang out with her without me.  He started doing it behind my back and sometimes I found out.

    Around the same time, our financial situation wasn't so good.  His internet business was not making much money.  He had started another business that ended up failing and putting us into major debt.  I wanted him to get a job.  He would tell me he was going to start applying, but he never did.  I was homeschooling all of my kids and taking care of almost all of the other household responsibilities.  He wanted me to work instead of him, so he could stay home and continue to work on yet another business that wasn't generating any money.  He was also going out 3-5 nights per week to bars and clubs.  In July of last year, he told me he just wanted to be single.  Once again, I was devastated.

    I ended up finding 3 jobs and devising a schedule to share the house.  He was supposed to leave 3 nights per week and find some place else to stay. He got the house when I was working and 4 nights per week.  I had to put my kids in school this year, which the kids and I resented because homeschooling was working well for us.  My oldest is still homeschooling because she can do much of it on her own.  I got into counseling and did lots of reading and self-work.  I really thought maybe Scott had Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I knew for a fact that my dad had it and children of Narcissists are often drawn to them.  Scott just didn't seem to care how much he was hurting me and the kids.

    In September 2013, his best friend gave Scott an Adderall.  The next day, everything changed.  I told Scott that day I was moving into an apartment.  He asked me not to go and he wanted to work things out with me.  I was totally perplexed.  He finally admitted to me that he was having an affair with the yoga teacher.  He also admitted the affair he had previously.  I was floored, but also relieved that he was finally opening up and being honest.  I went to the Dr with him so he could get an Adderall prescription and helped him end his affair.  Since that day, he has never wavered in his desire to want to be with me and things are actually better than they have ever been between us.  Still, we have many challenges ahead.

    The current challenge we are facing is that my 13 year old daughter has lost total respect for Scott.  She saw what he put me through.  Also, I have relied on her way more than I should have to pick up the slack.  I don't ask Scott to do homework with the little ones when I'm at work.  I usually ask my oldest child because I know she will actually remember to do it.  Many times, I have asked my oldest to be responsible for way more than most children her age.  She has been praised by many adults for being so responsible, but maybe that is because I forced her to be.  Since I work so much now, I cannot always be there to work out the issues between my daughter and her step-dad.  Scott complains that she has no respect for him (because she really doesn't) and she complains that he is just a jerk. 

    I am working on my own faults at this time as well. I am definitely guilty of verbal abuse, nagging, complaining to everyone about him, and taking on way too much instead of finding ways to help him help me.  I'm hoping I can find some support and advice here.

    I hope no one is put off by the polyamory thing.  I am slowly realizing that this won't work for us, primarily because of Scott's ADD.

     

  • Help for an angry, depressed non-ADHD spouse by: frustratedwife 10 years 9 months ago

    I'm reading that many of you are being treated for depression and I was wondering how you knew when to get treatment for yourself?  I'm not only dealing with a difficult marital situation but I'm also going through hormonal changes (I'm 48 and have been having perimenopausal symptoms for 7 years) so I'm never really sure what is causing my depressed moods.  I have days where I don't know how I can go on but then I've never missed a day of work and can always manage to pick myself up and accomplish whatever has to get done.  Usually my worse days are after a busy work week and then I tend to break down and not be able to do much but stay in bed for a day and feel sorry for myself.  This has been happening weekly for awhile now and I have no desire to have a social life or do anything but sleep and be alone.  I'm not a social butterfly anyway, and I come from a family who isn't very social, so I have used that as an excuse for not wanting to be around people (that and the fact I'm around lots of people all week at work).  But I really am starting to think maybe I need to be treated for depression or at least see a doctor about it.  I took Prozac for awhile, about 5 years ago, and it didn't help me at all.  My OB/GYN prescribed it for me when I told her I was feeling depressed and at the time I blamed it on hormones.  Of course my husband still blames my moods on hormones.  Of course it couldn't possibly be due to the fact that for 7 years I've been struggling to do about 90% of everything while he sleeps and watches TV.  It still baffles me that he can love me yet sit back and watch me practically kill myself trying to make ends meet and keep everything running semi-smoothly at home.  Our home is falling down around us, needs about $30,000 worth of work and I have no idea how that's going to get done.  We live month to month never knowing if we can pay the bills.  I'm self-employed so I don't have a regular income I can count on and although he has a job now it's very part time and last month he only made about $200.  I'm a planner and I crave stability and security so it's been torture for me to be married to a man who doesn't seem to care about any of that.  I hate the thought of taking any kind of drug but maybe I need to look into something that can keep me sane. 

    I'd love feedback from those of you who have been treated and can definitely say it has helped.  Some days I think the only thing that will help is freeing myself from this dead weight I've been carrying for 7 years.  UGH!

  • Burned in the end after 27yrs by: add 10 years 9 months ago

    I put up with my husband verbal abuse for over 27yrs.  I always hoped things would get better but he never changed.  He wasn't a partner or parent.  Couldn't see my side in anything or listen to how I felt.  In the end, after 25yrs he walked out one morning and left.  Never said much to the kids even.  He just easily went on living his life where all he has to do is work but I have to be the one to constantly be the sole  support to our ADD/depressed son.  Very little contact to his children and now he can't understand why they would be upset at him.  He is now fighting me for the house.  If I could do it all over again I never would have stayed that long.  It basically robbed me of many happy years. 

  • T minus... 3 weeks, maybe? by: Kaliko 10 years 9 months ago

    Just joined the forum last week after reading posts from lauriejs and many others, and wishing I had found this place a long time ago.  I've suspected my husband might have ADHD since last summer; suspicions increased when I found out his 13 y.o. daughter from his first marriage had been diagnosed with the same. 

    We've been together almost exactly 10 years (and married for 7.5 of them), and our divorce should be finalized sometime this month.  My decision, not his - but he sure hasn't done much to make me regret the choice.  He's been unemployed or underemployed for 5.5 years, which is almost the entire time we've been living together. When we met, we were both very successful, I thought, in our respective military careers.  He was charming, intelligent, and always the life of the party - a classic ESFP, if you follow Myers-Briggs theory.  I'm an INFJ, and I've always been attracted to people who are spontaneous, fun-loving, and ambitious.  Anyway, military/school-related geographic separation kept us apart for the first couple years.  As hard as I thought that time was, only getting to see him every 6 months or so, it was the best time of our marriage.  We video-chatted on Skype constantly, he was so emotionally supportive, and we had no financial entanglements.  Everything went to hell in 2008.  I dropped out of my PhD program because of depression memory problems from what turned out to be untreated PTSD, and made plans to move to San Antonio to be with him.  Then he failed out of an exclusive training program that was supposed to move his career in an exciting direction and take us to Japan.  [I had already gotten our cat medically certified for the move, and had been learning Japanese in preparation - it was that "sure" of a thing.]  Then he had to leave the Air Force entirely.  I'm not going to say why the program-failing and eventual departure from the military happened, because I really don't know what to believe anymore.  At the time, it was presented like a horrible vendetta some people had against him; now, I honestly think it may have been because he was kind of an unreliable screw-up.  But I believed him then, and I wanted to support him.  I worked through my own issues and got a decently-paying contract job, while trying to give him time to deal with his situation.  Actually, he scored me the interview with someone he knew through work, which was very helpful - give credit where credit's due.  Then he spent the next nearly 2 years mostly ignoring me, smoking out on our apartment balcony while reading blogs, or playing video games.  And he spent lots of money.  Tablets, phones, other random electronic toys.  I spent lots of money too, on things for him that I hoped would make him happy and motivate him to reengage with life again.  Like a new Jeep Wrangler, motorcycles.. an actual COMPANY that he said he wanted to work...  I tried every method of support I could think of, but nothing worked to get him to a place where he was actually willing to work on getting functional.

    Um, since this is my 1st post, I'm going to gloss over most of the details, but around that time we had a major argument that became the beginning of a repeated pattern: I lost my temper that he was doing so little, he agreed to do more, then slowly and inefficiently did exactly enough to shut me up for about a year, at which point I'd lose it again.  Fast-forward to last August - we had moved into a house that he wanted, he was unemployed again, and we had just had a terrible summer visit from his daughter where he was just a worthless parent most of the time, and she had cried almost every day because of something he had said or done.  And I asked for a separation, for us to figure out what we wanted from life, and to get counseling.  To his credit, he quickly agreed to the counseling.  Unfortunately, that was the only positive thing he did.  I gave him $2,500 cash, and access to our debit account for EMERGENCIES only, until he could get a card from the new account he set up with our bank.  By the time he got that card, he had taken another $1500 from that account - over only a 2 week period.  He moved in with a manager from the part-time job he had at one point that he managed to get back.  The guy's married with kids, but has 2 other renters in addition to my husband staying in his house - it's a weird situation, but he's only charging him like $200/month for rent.  Nothing but broken promises and unrealistic dreams from him in the counseling sessions.  I had a breakdown from, among other things, the stress of watching the marriage fall apart, and ended up taking a few months disability leave from my job. 

    There were a few "last straws," but for the most part, I just broke from the accumulated disappointments of 5 years, plus the growing realization that he had misrepresented himself to me the entire time I had known him.  I still like him as a person, actually.  He was never "mean" to me in any of the ways I've been seeing some people talk about - not a yeller, no physical abuse, no cheating.  Possibly he knew that that sort of thing is an absolute deal-breaker for me.  He always stayed right on the line of what behavior I was willing to tolerate.  But without him making some efforts to change, I finally came to the conclusion that I can't fix the relationship by myself.  For the record, I did tell him that I thought he might have ADHD, like his daughter, that it was okay if he did, and that I really wanted him to talk to a professional and see if there was anything we could do to work with these issues - but he never really followed up on any of that.  

    I filed a petition for divorce in early December.  The 60-day waiting period required by Texas law is over in about a week, and then I can actually submit for the divorce decree.  I thought my life was over for months, but I'm finally starting to feel okay about it.  I feel like I wasted so much effort over the years trying to support him, and I got so little in return.  Many of my family and friends have described him as a con artist or a charmer, and I think that's unfair.  I know he loved me.  I know he *wanted* to achieve the goals he said he had... he just wasn't willing or able to put in the sustained effort required to do any of it.  I can't blame him for being the way he is... but I am sad that the loss of our marriage wasn't enough to make him push past his comfort zone and at least seek help.  I still want to - as a friend - encourage him to look into ADHD treatment, because I think he'd make someone else down the road a fine husband if he could learn some methods to compensate for his weaknesses with his many natural strengths.  But I can't go back to him.  There's far too much damage, and I feel like he's so deep in a rut now that he may never be able to come out.  I wonder, if I had done something much earlier in the relationship - given him an ultimatum (which I hate doing) or left after a year or two instead of 5, could it have made a difference?  That's my main regret at this point. 

    - kaliko

  • fight with add husband by: BFFJ 10 years 9 months ago

    I have never posted before…...husband self diagnosed add and went and got on meds after our kids were born. Unfortunately his prescribing and treating Dr did not tell him to discuss it with me and or the impact add likely had on our marriage. It would have explained and helped a lot. Instead trust continued to break down (lies little ones and big ones about amt of money he made and now he is broke and I have 100% of the financial burden of mortgage and all bills and food and Nanny and kids etc with no notice and tough with only my salary and going into savings each month and I had no notice this was coming) small lies he dips and hides it and when we are out with kids if “too much time has gone by” he gets irritable short with kids and picks a fight with me and I get drawn in too) but if I say anything about dipping and the fact he said he stopped and did not another lie . Albeit small. The broken promises endless on finishing projects started and financial contributions through the years he promises and when time comes to do it “it is out of hos control” another job pay reduction or bad times….he is a great Dad but non financial contributions to the marriage as far as planning date nights (I agree to pay for nanny and night out and simply ask him to plan it ) doesn’t happen and reconnection if not planned : is void.  Long way to get to fight and question. We avoid all of these subjects lately bc just cause a fight. Last night sat night kids to bed I was talking to him and again no eye contact from him. Then instead of taking advantage of time to chat and reconnect he wants to either state at tv together. If not tv together he is staring at his phone or computer or making a fire you name it but anything other than focusing on us looking at each other talking. I had a drink before bed and he waits to have a few drinks each night alone until after I am asleep. That is not even a fun reconnection time.  I am so sad and lonely and i t just no longer feels like a marriage. How do you get trust and reconnection back or is it impossible with the past of add life. I found a seminar and books on add and have done a ton on that end too. I just feel like I have given    so much and I don’t see the same from him. It is hard to keep trying but for my two little boys. I am hopeless and looking for advice? - See more at: 

  • Does individual counseling for non ADHD spouse do any good? by: boilergirl 10 years 9 months ago
    My new insurance covers individual therapy/counseling, but not couples (which we need but can't afford.) I have been thinking about going to therapy on my own, but wonder if it is worth it. I will probably just talk about my spouse and how his ADHD has affected our marriage. Has anyone gone on their own? Is it beneficial?
  • Does staying in my ADHD marriage communicate to my daughter that I am settling for less??? by: michellenic77 10 years 9 months ago

    My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about 7 months ago.  He was only diagnosed because I screamed at him to get tested.  Three different therapists over the last 10 years have stated they think he has ADHD but he never did anything.

    All the same symptoms.  He is textbook inattentive. I'm lonely.  No help or at least consistency with pretty much anything but his job.  And his job he hyper-focuses so that pretty much leaves no room for anyone but him.  He is so self-centered that I just want to slap his face. (I will not and never have but the urge IS there.)

    I see on his face that he feels bad.  I "guess" he works on his ADHD but usually only AFTER a confrontation or disappointment and it never lasts long.

    I believe my daughter TOO has ADHD but she has yet to be tested.  She is 7 and I have a 3 year old boy.

    My question is this:  what does staying in this type of marriage communicate to my daughter??

    I feel by staying that I am allowing this person to treat me as a second class citizen where my needs and wants are only important AFTER he gets his shit together.  If ever!  That its OK to be lonely in a marriage.  That its OK to never have the support I need.  That its OK that my husband never plans ANYTHING for us to do: date, vacation or otherwise.  That its OK that I work, take care of the home, and kids and finances and everything else and he just has to have a job.  That is OK for your spouse to commit to helping with tasks but never completes them.

    I can do all the reading about ADHD I want.  I am a professional organizer so I can maintain structure FOR DAYS!!!  But what I CANNOT DO is make myself a priority to my husband.

    Why would I want to stay if THIS is what I am communicating to my daughter in regards to a marriage?  I feel strongly that I need to get out for ME!!! but also so my daughter does not accept this type of behavior for herself.

    Does anyone else feel this way?

  • Exchange by: jennalemon 10 years 9 months ago

    I am reading a good little book called, "Soul-mates.  How to Find Them and Keep Them." Here is an excerpt I would like to share which I can sense is what has happened to our marriage:

    ""...when you allow a person to continually take more than their fair exchange, that person will become critical and hostile towards you. The mechanism of justification kicks in and they have to attempt to excuse their misdeeds. This usually involves degrading you. When someone commits acts which they know are harmful, the mechanism of justification dictates that they then attempt to blame or criticize the person they have harmed. Rather than look at their own failings and acts of negligence or directly harmful effects, the individual attempts to direct the attention to what other people are doing, most especially the one that was harmed."

    The gist is that a good relationship needs to have balance.  Are you giving much more or much less to the relationship than your partner? Just some food for thought.

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