I'm very frustrated today and seems the frustration waxes and wanes as far as I am able to keep track of everything as I am just one person.  But Im floundering, my job is not 100% my home is not given 100% and my kids dont always get it because Im doing EVERYTHING ELSE!

Background:

Me: Type A personality, driven, fairly successful.   Committed Christian.

Went from full time to part time (well70%) when #2 was born because I wanted more time with kids but also because I COULD BOT handle home and ds working full time. largely due to DH

Hubby: Creative type, took a long time to settle on a career, doing well in it, Dx with ADHD last year.  Sent him to Psych 4 years ago and misdiagnosed, 4 wasted years of meds and no change because DH would not change doctors.  committed Christian.

We have been married 6 years and have 2 young children (almost 4 and 18 mo). Trying r another (shakes head)

So I need opinions and suggestions.  Our home works well when either I do everything and eave DH to do what he remembers to do.  Our home works ok when I ask him everything, remind him, text hime and remind again.  TH​IS Is EMOTIONALLY DRAINING ME!

I mean he is on meds why cant they improve his memory? Why should I have to ask or remind when we eat dinner, when the kitchen needs cleaning when it is time for the kds to go to bed? Surre he helps but WHY must all of everything be on my shoulder?  ADHD just seems like an excuse to be lazy or say its ok you forgot, AGAIN.

(this form is autosaving every 5 seconds and is messing up my spelling and space so SORRY for the incorrect grammar!) I cnt correct, don't know why)

SO I need support from those who have gone before me. How to I respect my husband and not stay so 110% overwhelmed with everything? How do I not destroy our marriage because Im so angry when he forgets. Im angry I have to tell him basic things. Divorce is not an option as we married for life. So it looks like ALL the adjustments have to come from ME since I dont have ADHD.  

How do I not get angry when he blows off a forgetful moment as "no big deal.' I mean if I am the most important person in his life behind God then shouldn't his word mean something? If I ask him to go get the baby a haircut and he forgets why not remedy it>?  Why make the other thing you ok him off to do not more important so who cares that I asked him he will do it later. sure a haircut is no big deal but thats NOT THE POINT.  I asked him to do it and he said he would. period.

Does ADHD really render you incapable of keeping your word ? incapable of remembering day to day tasks. No one reminds me the bathroom needs to be cleaned the kids need to be bathed, which diapers we use at night so why do I have to tell every basic part of life to a grown, intelligent man? Who does well at his job! isnt his family just as important?

WOW I better stop now Im just upset and feel terribly alone. I cant talk to anyone because I feel it is important not to bad mouth him to friends or family.  and I'm sorry about all the errors I really cannot corect

Today, for the first time I am publicly facing what I have suspected for years.  We just celebrated out 9th anniversary but I feel like my heart has gone to sleep.

I am a Non-ADHD spouse.  My story is long and my need for support great.  We made a doctor's appointment a couple of years ago to talk about the possibility

of my spouse having some type of ADHD. ( I had done some research on ADHD and come to understand that perhaps I was not going crazy and the doctor

would be a good first step)   This step to go to the doctor was HUGE and I was so hopeful.  Once the doctor came in and we brought up the subject, it was simply a matter of

seconds before the doctor had brushed off our concerns and reassured my spouse that he was just being a "guy".  That was the end of it!  Now there is" doctor proof

that there is nothing wrong".  Needless to say I walked out before he could finish talking and on the verge of tears.  Since that day alot has happened.  I have given

up having long heartfelt talks that just get forgotten the next day.  I take on the majority of the house and financial responsibilities.  I set the pace for discipline

for our little boy and carry on feeling like a single woman.  I have given up being angry about it but cannot help feeling alone.  I don't know what to say when

he says "I just get the feeling you don't love me anymore".  I have decided to just live my life peacefully being me and being grateful for the fact the my husband

works really hard to care for our family "at work".  He is really great at playing and having fun.  I have learned to just listen when he talks about projects I

know he will never even start.  I know the man I love is in there somewhere but, lives in a world that I don't understand.  I try to just keep life as normal as possible but I cannot help but wonder if he will decide that he does not seem to be connected to me like we were before

we became a family and will want to walk away.  I guess, secretly in my heart, I have had to face that fear as well as the possibility that he will never want

to explore learning about ADHD.  I try to live each day one at a time being grateful for what I have and believe that miracles can happen, even if they are little

ones over time.  I am open to any tips or ideas that anyone can share to help me live more fully with what I have.

I keep saying this is it – the last straw – I cannot keep doing this – when will she ever “get it”. I know in my heart it may be never, but my “it” is different than her “it”. Our son is 5 years old next month and I have been his primary caregiver since he was 2 (we still all live together, but she does nothing to assist concerning parenting). I read where it stated to not “exaggerate – or whatever”, but I am completely serious. She has never read a book to him and could not tell you right now what his teachers name is. I look back now and it all makes sense – she loved me and us so hard and so much when we were first starting I thought (never having been in love) that this was the way it was and normal. Now I know she was stuck in hyperfocus (it’s how we had him in the first place). She stopped taking her birth control and I can see now how that can happen. She cannot hold down a job because anytime something “happens” at work like getting passed on a promotion or numbers that do not get her a bonus she can do nothing else but work and talk about that every single minute of the day (she once cried at Disney World) about something that had happened at work before we left. I was so upset that she would allow something to ruin our vacation that I saved for years for. For 3 of our 5 years I have been her and our families everything – I do the budget – cleaning – cooking – the better job – raising our son (and diagnosing his speech disorder) – living agreements – doctor appts – teacher and school choices – all in her home town where I don’t know anyone (I know some people now, but I am so busy doing everything else I do not have time for me). I also am a full time student (with a 3.7 GPA) for the past 2 years because I know for our son to have a chance at a good life my earning potential needs to grow. I allowed her to quit her job and start a business (something she has always wanted to do). I knew it might be hard, but my only other option was to say no and have her resent me and say I am holding her back. She is not a flake (per say) and graduated first in her business class (I see now how hard she had to work to do that) and the business has been successful, but at the cost of losing her family basically. She sees her son 8 hours a week (I again am not exaggerating). She will sit on the couch online “working” for hours without lifting a finger – she has never cooked for herself and will get mad at me if I cook and don’t make her anything. She gets upset if the bills and funds get tight, but will overdraw her account (because she forgot something) to the tune of 120$ and then blame the bank. The bottom line is I have asked to separate a few times, but she knows I cannot afford to force the issue. Also my biggest point is that I know she loves us best she can, but I am paralyzed at the fact of her taking him anywhere alone and want him almost anywhere other than with her alone in public. I was in a bad way when we found each other and people told her to stay away from me and that I was bad news. She went with her gut and turned this piece of coal into a diamond. I want to show her the same grace, but does living with someone with this mean I will never truly get to share my life and moments with anyone. It is always about the “topic of the day/NOW” and everything else gets put aside or squeezed in. She asks me to never interrupts her cause she forgets mid-stream and to reply / talk in short brief sentences (as you can tell her that is not in my nature). I actually am going to law school and thought about being a writer. Is there help where she can see how this is effecting me. She has been taking Adderall for 9 years and it really does not help my situation. Her biggest issues are a cluttered house, but worst is never – ever on time for anything and is a night owl. I am the exact opposite (which you would think is great), but really is not. I have grown to resent her, but stick by her because I know this is not her fault and know inside it would hurt our son to have her leave completely. I think part of it is that we live somewhere where I have no friends or support group so her actions and lack of attention to her family is amplified. She is not the villain and is actually an amazing person and I tell her sometimes (I feel bad when I do) that if it were not for our son you would be the perfect partner. I also know I will have to explain to a young boy that mommy still loves him though she was late or worse forgot to pick him up (which can be super dangerous). I have seen a counselor before (alone) and do want to try and make this work, but am smart enough to know everything has limits. I hate calling myself a single dad, but sometimes it is worse because I am taking care of both of them on my dime - alone - without a break twice a week or month - and I cannot try and date or confide in anyone cause I am married, but alone doing it all by myself.

I had posted previously on here with a different name and received a lot of positive feedback.

I finally ended my marriage. About three months ago after one of our explosive arguments I snapped. I had forgotten to pick up butter from the store and was very upset that I forgot. First mistake...do not let husband know that you are upset because he has two emotions. Bouncing of the walls and kicking down the walls. He freaked out and grabbed the kitchen cupboard door and tried to rip it off. I had enough. I shouldn't be exposed to the amount of negativity, frustration and anger from one man. He had torn me down emotionally over the past 9 years and the last year or so I have been emotionally detached from him. You know the drill, it's my fault and for me to assume that he wants to be accountable for anything going wrong...well, I must be out to lunch.

He has refused to attend counseling with me to work on anger issues. I even said that the anger was shared between us (turns out the majority is my defensiveness from being called a n*gger dumb ass c&nt), and he said that I was weak. He didn't need help and are issues were my problem. I finally realized that there were no winners here, our family life was suffering, the kids wanted us to split, etc. It takes two to commit. He didn't want to stop going out on Friday and staying out until 10 am after being on a coke/booze bender. He wanted me to be on the coke/booze bender with him!

I started feeling good almost the second after I had enough and told him I was done trying. He arranged to move out and has done so, all while complaining that I do not understand how much it costs to live? Did I mention that everything in the house (including the HOUSE) is in my name. I was financially independent before I met him. He was 33 and lived in his friend's basement. Didn't own a thing and never had to be responsible for anything.

Now it has been a few months and as it turns out, he has a new serious girlfriend. WTF? I have had to do serious healing and self preservation to gain my confidence back and he moved on? It makes me angry and sad at the same time. I don't want him back, I guess I just don't understand how he has no clue how damaged he made me?