Hi! First, I want to say how relieved I am to have found this website. I had an argument with my husband last night and I had googled "husband never correctly remembers arguments" and I happened across this site. I am very relieved I am not alone in this or just imagiining things...
Some background: we met 2 and a half years ago, and got married last month. He's 28, I'm 30. He was diagnosed with ADD as a child and took ritalin and adderall at various points then. He says they helped somewhat but had other personality side effects he doesn't like. He won't go in now because basiically we have no insurance and don't have the money to have him be taking anything. I make pretty modest money but modest as it is, it's still twice what he makes as a busser working less than 25 hours a week. He's been there a year and a half and during that entire time I've been carefully trying to encourage him to find something better so we can keep up with our bills, which are numerous. We live in a very large city with easy access to 24 hour a day public transportation and lots of jobs. He has great employment history and is very intelligent and capable. But he won't apply for anything. He comes home and complains about how busy he is and the stress and then goes off and does his projects in the basement for hours. Every time he says he's going to buckle down and apply for jobs, I come home after my 12 hour shift and he has tons of internet articles he wants me to read but the laundry isn't done, he hasn't made anything for us to eat, he hasn't even thought about job things and the house is a mess. He complains about picking up after our roommate while being oblivious I'm following right behind him picking up his tornado of destruction. He makes sandwiches and wanders off, forgetting to put everything away. He leaves food in pans on the stove for days. I came home yesterday and there was a box on the counter with a melted popsicle in it. He can't stick to putting his dirty clothes in one of 2 hampers I bought because I wanted to make it easier for him. I'm just super, super tired of having to pay all the bills while he can barely handle working 2-4 hours a day and making college student level beer money income. I told him we need insurance. He just gets upset and acts helpless, like there's nothing he can do to change his situation. And when he *does* actually talk about finding other work, it's stuff like "I can build model guns from video games for extra cash" or "I can pick up another 2-3 hour shift at work". We're paying off lots of student loans (his are crazy high interest private unsubsidized loans because he wasn't paying any attention to what he was signing). He has no concept of money and never checks outr bank account. When I tell him we need to stick to a budget, his answer is to starve himself because "we're too broke for me to eat" which is not even close to true. His answers to everything are so extreme ad bizarre but they are never enough to prompt him to change his situation no matter how much advice I give, do things for him outright or act supportive. Does anyone have any advice for what is good work for ADD people? I don't even know what to suggest to him for job choices. And he apparently has no idea either. He seems to tghink the two kinds of jobs are food service and factory work, which he did for years. I've tried to explain to him there are. Other sorts of jobs.
He also forgets progress we've made during arguments, he just thinks everything is horrible every time we fight and that I never apologize, I try to make it sound like everything is his fault (which I don't, he's so sensitive I tiptoe around him like he's a ticking nuclear bomb). He searches for ways to make it seem like it's my fault also instead of focusing on what I'm saying and being productive. He lashes out, is easily frustrated, his ego is incredibly fragile, and his self-esteem is super low. I do the best I can but it seems like no matter how productive we are, by the time we argue again he's forgotten it all. :/
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- just got married... by: Katrinak 11 years 2 months ago
- What do you want in a partner? by: jennalemon 11 years 2 months ago
What do you want in a spouse?
Dh seems to want sex for his release, my adoration, my respect, laughter, eroticism, cute flirting, freedom to do what he wants the way he wants to do it, no criticism, no discussion other than joking, no talking about finances, someone to take care of finances and to make a home for him, freedom to come and go, a drinking partner. He just wants us to enjoy ourselves.....in essence, to me, that is singlehood (or boyhood). This is what I gave him for decades. My mistake.
What do I want in a spouse? Trust, attention, partnership, commitment, someone who I want to be intimate with and share my thoughts and my body with, serenity, faith, a friend, shared goals, integrity and mutual pride in ourselves and in each other, inspiration from each other to be better people together than we are if we are alone....in essence, to me, that is a good marriage. This is love matured. This is what I am trying to give and get now that we are older.
My idea of what is important for a relationship is too structured, too assuming, too much work, too involved, too serious, too entwined, too much for him. I am ashamed and afraid with him now that I see that he has not matured into a man I can put my trust in.
His ideas of what is important are too low-standard, scary, too devil-may-care, too lonely, too self centered, too flimsy, just not enough for me to be happy with ourselves as a couple. He hates my expectations.
Maybe our problem is not ADD but rather in who we are and what we want out of a relationship.
How do spouses get what they want from each other? Not by nagging, complaining, criticizing. Which is what I had been doing. Not by isolating, drinking by himself, giving up, arguing, being obstinate which is what he has been doing.
By being attractive, involved in activities that are enjoyable and satisfying and meaningful for themselves and sometimes for each other, by paying attention to what is going on around us and being filled with love for life and involved with people and community.
I am trying.
- i have adhd spouse: My brain knows all the facts but by: bobbin 11 years 2 months ago
My partner is 32 and has struggled immensely with adhd his whole life but has only recently been diagnosed. Due to late diagnosis he has picked up every bad behaviour/way of coping imaginable. He cannot control his anger nor unpredictable mood swings, he has a low self esteem.
I spent a while battling my emotions of resentment, anger, disappointment in him and would forever be pointing out his bad points and how unacceptable his SYMPTOMS were to ensure he couldnt forget how others suffered with his condition aswel as him. I was too wrapped up in my own feelings that I didnt stop to think just how much of an affect this would have on his self esteem and cause further damage to our relationship. ITS HARD TO SEE HIS HURT WHEN HE APPEARS SO SELF IMPORTANT AND ARROGANT! During arguments I would wished to have stamped on his arrogance. . He thinks that I no longer love him because he has realised that I have built a brick wall around me to give me the strength to be able to cope with all the hurt and damaging affects of adhd.
Since being diagnosed he has battled to simply get through each day without too much chaos'. We have both been too self absorbed and wrapped up in our own emotions to put the other first!
I have read lots of articles/ blogs etc to gain further insight into adhd and this knowledge allowed me to gain insight into developed behaviours. Anyway my whole point in posting this (before i went on and on and on again) was that I have actually began to realise that he may be right> He accepts his need to improve certain things where as I refused to believe that i needed to change my ways to help our relationship. I was so intent on ensuring he knew how hurtful and unreasonable his actions were that it gave me the perfect excuse to become increasingly stubborn and selfish. I had previously lived on my own and due to past experiences in life I developed a harsh independence and told myself to never accept criticism or anything less than the best. I became stubborn and believed my way at doing everything from cleaning to shopping, writing, organizing, decorating is the only wasy it should be done. I would tell him he hadnt wiped the side properly, hadnt done the babies nappy properly, hadnt mopped properly etc always knocked his ways of doing things and only accepting my standards. He gradually began to do less and less as he couldnt do anything right. I even take the phone from him when he is texting because he is so slow and gets angry if he cant send it fast enough. I allowed adhd take the blame for everything including my self obsessed behaviour and would not accept that I should ever have to alter my ways..
I know all the facts about adhd and constantly preach to both our famillies when they judge the situation, refusing to believe that adhd is not made up and the reason he has developed habbits in behaviour.
I have learned how to deal with every action in life and although i know the ins and out of adhd my "in the heat of the moment brain" refuses to accept that adhd actions are not completely identical to its own. I know and understand all the traits and reasons for adhd behaviours when thinking rationally but all that knowledge goes out of the window in the heat of the moment. My brain will just not take the insult regardless to the fact that my partner is subconsiously self medicating to gain dopamine through all the andorphins at an argument.
How can i teach my brain to deal with adhd in our relationship?For example: I know that my partner makes certain comments to provoke an argument simply for stimulation if he has got out of the wrong side of the bed or for not succeeding in certain things.and that the things he saysduring such moments should be taken personally but I cannot allow certain things to be said without having my say and becoming defensive. I know that to prevent this disasterous habbit I should totally blank him and ignore what he says so that he will not associate arguments with me as a way of increasing dopamine levels! This will then lead to a blazing row and dinted esteem on both sides as things are said in retalliation. It even leads to damage to our property or even him packing his bags and saying he cannot cope. This is a regular occurance in our lives at the moment. We love eachother very much but we cannot see how we can deal with eachother in a TEXTBOOK manner.
PLEASE COMMENT WITH ANY ADVICE ON HOW TO IMPROVE MY WAYS OR SIMILAR STORIES BUT YOU DO NOT NEED TO COMMENT ON MY DEMANDING, STUCK IN THE MUD WAYS. ALL HELP AND POSITIVE COMMENTS WELOCME
- Feeling ignored and how to cope by: juniper0410 11 years 2 months ago
I dont know how much longer I can go without affection, attention or a feeling that Im loved by my ADHD boyfriend. We've been together for over 3 years and have a 17 month old daughter and I have an 11 year old son from a previous relationship that is very close to my boyfriend. So I have every reason to want to make this work. But how long can a person go feeling completely ignored?? I'm asking anyone with experience in a situation such as this how they find a way not to take it to heart. Because I do. I've tried everything to get his attention but nothing seems to work. The hardest part of all this is separating my anger and with him from other areas of my life. I have 2 wonderful children. A good job I've enjoyed for over 14 years where I feel appreciated and loved. I'm an empathetic, caring person. To a fault if u ask the people closest to me. And while I know I'm attractive, the lack of attention from my partner makes me constantly strive for perfection in my appearance. To the point that I feel very insecure at times. My boyfriend never tells me he loves me. Even though when we first met he was head over heels, adoring and attentive. Which in the typical adhd fashion, began to diminish once we got serious and began trying to have a baby. I went from being his entire world to feeling invisible almost overnight. His attention for me has since been placed on stopping for drinks and a "bite to eat" with his friends. And he doesn't even call to let me know.. While I rush to get the kids after work. I feel like there's barely enough time in the day to work, take care of the children and the house while he gets to be spontaneous and social. There's no date night, no bday presents, no romance of any kind. I even take my kids on vacation by myself..... I do know that he loves me and our children and that he wants this to work. But I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life feeling lonely and without affection. How do all of u in my position cope with being ignored? I would like to learn how to not let his behavior or lack of behavior effect me so much. Thank u in advance for your response.
- Third Child Born, Things Still Look Hopeless by: radames 11 years 2 months ago
It's been a few months since I last posted on this site. Since then I have tried to make it seem like a good decision to give up a well-paying job in order to allow my ADHD wife could have some space between her and her mother; I think because she doesn't feel like a woman around her.
Anyway, I was very hesitant to lose the job security and money. It seems that she is more concerned about emotional and relational issues rather than realistic issues like having a roof over your head or food on your table. Use boundaries with your mom and you'll be fine. Nevertheless, I wanted to give her a chance to finally "become her own woman" and to allow us to grow closer together; try not to make it all about the money.
Let's not talk about the crazy timing with her being due with our third child and moving would be a lot of stress and would possibly cause an early birth. Let's not talk about my advice that we hold off on the move and get ourselves in a financially sound place before we do it. I guess she just thinks that impulsivity is the the stuff that makes the world go round.
So, extremely long story shorter, all of the excuses and promises are carrying more "hot air" as she is still allowing things to pile up without cleaning up after herself. She actually made messes for our kids and laughed about it. Expect her to clean up the messes? Add that to her mile-long to-do list which never gets done because she gets caught up just staring at it, then she's exhausted at all of work it would've taken to actually have gotten the list done and zones out on her phone or goes to sleep.
There'll always be an excuse for her. It'll never be, "I busted my butt and realize that that is what it'll take to be a homemaker. I'm organized, I have a plan, and I'll push myself to stick to it." I think it'd be more believable for Elvis to knock on my door right now, than to believe she will actually pick up after herself and get motivated to thoroughly organize and clean the house each day.
She doesn't want to be viewed as a little girl, but, really, she is. I'm raising another child and I'm getting a little preview of what our one-year-old little girl will probably look like in a decade.
Hey, I admit I was wrong. I was the one so messed up in my emotions and brain that I saw past all of her immaturity and only saw the good and warmth when I first met her.
It's great to have that if you have no responsibilities. But life is a bit more cold and rigid than that, if you want to survive as a non-recluse.We are living out the pattern right now. Things get more and more cluttered, she gets lazier and lazier about it, I get more and more frustrated, I speak to her about it, she gets defensive and makes up excuses, I try offering advice and continue cleaning up after her and our kids, she cleans up after herself for maybe a day, or two, (if I'm lucky), then she starts slowing down and getting lazy again. For me, I don't think the teenage years of our children will be all that new.
- Diagnosed a few years ago by: Rosber 11 years 2 months ago
I was diagnosed a little over 2 years ago.
If anyone has any books to recommend or advise please feel free to let me know. I want to find out as much as I can about this.
Thank You
I just finished the book "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" on 9/22/13. Great Book! I just started reading "Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D." .
I am going to slowly start posting here. Its a process for me putting myself out on a public forum. The biggest thing I have discovered in my case is that medicine isn't enough. Treatment, Exercise, and Reclaiming myself is important too.
Rosber
- Facial expressions/social situations by: ihaveanegg 11 years 2 months ago
Hi everyone, I'm new here... hi!! So I have been in a relationship with my first live-in ADHD boyfriend. It's been interesting. Like everyone - first contact was very electric. Then, it kind of went crazy and I think we had sex for the first 6 months (on and off) and then decided to move in together. We have officially not had sex for about a year now. So you're probably wondering why I'm with him? Well, other than the ADHD moments, he's wonderful. He's a musician, we have a lot of interests in common, and he's a caring person. He also is also slightly bipolar and 3/4 sicilian, and he loves to fight.
It's really validating to read these posts and see I'm not alone on this merry-go-round of fighting. We didn't know he was ADHD at first. He mentioned that he had been diagnosed when we first started dating, and I had no experience with that so I didn't know what it meant. Ha! Eventually I pieced together the s-storm of craziness and read this ADHD and Marriage book (still reading it). He's reading with me and agrees with it, and is following some stuff but he is not on medication and he is going to therapy, but not with an ADHD specialist.
Anyway, we have good days and bad ones, as I'm sure you can all relate. The two things that keep happening that is drive me crazy relate to facial expressions and social situations.
So regarding facial expressions - my bf constantly gets upset because he says my facial expression/tone is angry or something. He reacts to what he is interpreting and then I quickly find myself in a fight for just existing. How common is this? I'm trying to figure out if he is A) a jerk, B) someone who could benefit from ADHD therapy in this area, or C) I need plastic surgery to correct my bitchy resting face. :o/
Then regarding social situations... We are having problems in the focus area. I find it is really challenging to be in public with him because he seems to hyperfocus on people at my expense a lot of times. He feels anxious, too - I think he wants for it to go well, but its a lot of pressure. The thing is, he feels so COMFORTABLE with us living together now that he sometimes disses me or ignores me during conversations - and absolutely takes them over. I feel he disagrees with my way of "being" and this makes him angry, and he can sometimes be disrespectful in public to me. When I say something to explain how I'd like things to be different in the future, he takes it personally and accuses me of attacking me and says hurtful things. Does anyone have advice for me about this?
I'm really depressed because we were planning take a trip together in a couple of weeks and I am honestly considering not going at this point. Seems like whenever we go away for vacation, things get worse bc of the variables involved. If anyone has tips for going on vk with ADHD, those would be appreciated as well.
Thanks for listening and for all of your great posts. I don't feel so alone.
- How to suggest that ADHD might be worth looking at? by: Suda 11 years 2 months ago
I am new to this forum and looking for advice. I am at my wits end and think my husband has ADHD. I am trying to find a way to delicately bring up the subject with him. I have a strong feeling it will end up that he completely shuts down or a huge argument. How did your ADHD partner get diagnosed with ADHD as an adult? Did the non-ADHD partner urge him or her to get diagnosed?
- What to do if I suspect ADHD in my husband? by: Suda 11 years 2 months ago
I have been with my husband for 17 years and am finally convinced that he suffers from ADHD. Over the years, we have logged many hours in marriage counseling sessions. We have always fought a lot over many things including finances and spending money on unnecessary items. He is a very successful entrepreneur, but he has had several job changes to get to this point. He has explained that he is motivated by money so in order to get motivated he needs to buy things for countless hobbies that come and go....
He is a good father, but doesn't do any of the day to day responsibilities with them like transportation, appts, homework, dinner. It is pretty much understood that his job takes precedence. If he happens to be home from work to eat dinner with us, I have to ask him for his help to get them ready for bed. Mostly at home, he retreats every chance he gets and spends endless hours in front of his computer behind a locked door. He likes to play video games and as of late I am wondering if he also watches porn. He drinks alcohol nightly. He stays up very late and sleeps in while I am left to get our young children ready for the day. About 3 years ago, he was evaluated once by a psychiatrist per the request of our marriage counselor and he was diagnosed with a "slight mood disorder" and was told to watch his drinking, exercise and to keep an eye on things. He never followed back up on it - I think his fear is that they will say he needs meds.
I have secretly purchased Melissa's latest book about ADHD effect in Marriage, to gain insight into if this could be our issue. The personal stories in the book have resonated with me. I can see similar patterns in him with distraction, hyper focus, retreat and frustration. I know I do not have the medical background to diagnose my husband, but I am convinced that he suffers from ADHD. I am pretty much at that hopelessness stage, but I am trying so hard to not be. I have turned to religion because I can't stand feeling hopeless and am hoping that he will suddenly turn a corner. I guess deep down I do love him. He is a good father and talented in so many ways.
How do I approach this subject with my husband? How can I let him know that maybe we should get him evaluated for ADHD? He is going to think I have lost my mind. Please help!
- Journey... by: adhdfinance 11 years 2 months ago
I just realized I never posted on this topic. A while back when my FH was diagnosed as ADHD (after him saying that he thinks he may have it, but wasnt sure. And after forcing him to visit with a psychiatrist [he had fears of being labeled a looney....]), and doing intensive research into finding the best psychiatrist possible, and being diagnosed, his family refused to accept that. He told his family because I figured it would help to have supportive people around him. His family would be more understanding, and after all it is his family. Why not tell them. BAD MOVE. His parents and siblings were telling him that all he needs to do was go and speak to the pastor (they are christians). That psychiatrists are just about making money. That they (psychiatrist/ medical doctors) are wrong. That all he needs to do is, "try harder." That in terms of how he views his vulnerability to "always mess up. And always forget" means that he needs to forgive and love himself. They tried really hard. We then decided to cease all talk about ADHD with his family. And I am happy that we did. The difference between medication and no medication is huge!! In some of his therapy sessions he has even worked on how he perceives himself (cognitive therapy). No amount of "learning to love ones self"could have helped him. That implies he does not love him ( he does not HATE himself, he HATES being forgetful, and making mistakes- there is a difference). That was on a neurobiological and cognitive level.... He has learnt ways to cope with these issues. I think his family thought they would loose their to blame him for his shortcomings, of no longer having their beloved scapegoat. I am pleased that after they finished crying (yes some members of his family did cry), they realized that he is an adult, and is more than capable of making his own decisions.
It is interesting though, how someone who views life in a positive way, can still be gloomy. Or atleast I find it interesting. FH is the sweetest, I'll-take-the-shirt-off-my-back-and-give-it-to-you, understanding, empathetic person I know. Now he is not as gloomy as prior to his diagnosis. Actually using some of the techniques his dr suggested has actually helped him complete tast prior to the deadline. Baby steps though... Hopefully one day he does not decide to stop treatment and refuse seeing his doctor.
Let's take this one step at a time...