Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Hard to decide what to do with kids involved by: AmyT 11 years 2 months ago

    I've been doing a lot of reading on here, and sometimes I see similarities with my marriage, but in a lot of ways, my ADD husband seems "not so bad" compared to some.  So then I wonder if I'm making big deals out of nothing, or if I'm the one that is the problem.

    We've been married 17 years, and have come close to divorce twice.  The first time was after a pregnancy loss, husband was undiagnosed, I needed support and he played video games all day.  We got him medicated and both of us into therapy.

    The second time was about 3 years ago - he was off meds, we were fighting constantly, and he ended up in a relationship with someone else that was not physical, but way too emotional.  He got back on meds, we went into counseling again, and struggled through.

    But now, we are back into patterns.  He freaking refuses to take his meds on the weekends.  If he forgets during the week, he will come home at lunch and take them b/c  he knows he needs it to function at work.  But on the weekends, even if I remind him once nicely, or hound him, he will not take it.  I know he hates to take meds in general, even for a headache.  But I feel like we are just not important enough to him to swallow a couple of dang pills.  And he is a jackass off his meds.  I don't know if it's the impulsiveness or what, but he's very sarcastic, CONSTANTLY messing with the kids, and that's when he manages to stay awake.  He has managed to find a new doctor on his own, which I admit was a major pain b/c of the lack of providers around here, but he did it and has kept his appointments.  He gives me the Rx to drop off, which is fine, but I've asked him to call in the refills on his non-stimulants so that I don't have to make several trips to the pharmacy, and he can't even do that!!

    We cannot communicate at all anymore - it always becomes a war of words and semantics.  It's up to me to find a time to talk to him when he's not distracted - so I turn off the TV, wait until the kids are in bed, etc., but I cannot pry the darn cell phone out of his hand, so he's still only half listening.  And then when it gets screwed up, it was a "miscommunication" to him - he takes no responsibility.

    I'm trying to accept that there are some things he just cannot do, even with meds - executive function and all that.  But I'm also tired.  I want a partner, not another child.  I need to be able to rely on him for more than just killing bugs and cleaning up doggy doo.  I want someone who is present enough to see when I'm struggling and not wait for me to explode and then tell me he won't do anything until I "stop yelling at him".

    It's hard to condense all of our issues into one post.  I just don't know how much is ADHD and how much is that my husband is just a jerk, and I didn't see it when we were younger.  Or did my screeching and nagging turn him into a jerk?

    If we didn't have kids, I would be done, no question.  But we have 3 that are pre-teens, and 2 of them are also ADHD.  I don't worry for their safety with him - he's generally a good dad, but I foresee their weekends with him when no one would be medicated, and it would just be torture for them all.

    I'm just not sure what to do.

  • Chronic stress and panic attacks due to ADHD spouse and children by: Linsy 11 years 2 months ago

    It is excellent advice, if and when an ADHD partner has acknowledged the havoc caused by their behaviour and sought treatment, to look at one's own behaviour and attempt to modify it to help the relationship. But my problem was that I was suffering chronic stress and panic attacks due to the daily, sometimes hourly, shocks, rages, let downs, violence, hypocritical criticism, shouting, overspending my earnings, accidents and chronic poor behaviour that I was subjected to by what turns out to be three male ADDERS in the home.

    When I took the decision three years ago to get my partner out, so that I could deal with my children, I was diagnosed with chronic stress, anxiety and panic attacks, and medicated with beta blockers. These worked in mitigating the adrenalin rushes, the horrible panic attacks, the shaking hands, weeping, awful plunging, knotting sensation in the stomach etc that the constant shocks had caused me. I was on a very short fuse at the end of my tether. Three years later, I am calm. I am able to deal with the youngest, now diagnosed and on his way to treatment - even when he sounds off with '‘You just annoy me and bate me every day. You are an idiot and I don't like you" when I tell that, no, I will not buy him an 18 Xbox game as he is only 12. He is much improved by firm, consistent discipline and lots of love, instead of the crazy nitpicking and violence handed out by his father. However, in spite of removal of father, his behaviour was still illogical enough to warrant further investigation, but nothing like so appalling.

    The older one has been on Ritalin for six months, and is transformed from the frightened, miserable boy who had dropped out of university, completely unable to cope, into a functioning young man. We have ways to go, but it is such a relief. Not so easy to spot in him, as he has no hyperactivity whatsoever, but does tap and fidget.

    My question is, when it comes to controlling one's own anger that is part of the stress reaction, how do you do that with the maddening ADDER still in the house and furiously obdurate in their denial? Particularly with menopause symptoms that strip one's resilience bare (as does PMT) in addition, I don't think it is possible. You risk suppressing your feelings in unhelpful ways, and making yourself even more ill and miserable while you force yourself into unnatural reactions. Far better to create some space between you, I believe. It is vital that non ADHD partners look after themselves first - there is no way they can look after anyone else until they are strong and fit once more. Looking after people with this condition is shattering.

  • How do you learn to navigate power struggles? by: I'm So Exhausted 11 years 2 months ago

    What I have realize is that if my ADHD spouse are in the same room, trying to accomplish something, and I start to do it my way, he just takes over, and my only 2 choices seem to be:1.  get into a power struggle, or 2. walk away and let him take over and do it his way.  Neither outcome is nice for me.  An argument, or stuffing my feelings.

    Any suggestions on how I can navigate this better?

    This came to point yesterday as I was trying to put the top of our daughter's wedding cake into a box, to take it home.  It cake was top heavy, so I started to cut down one side of the box so I could slide the cake in. . .but my spouse grabbed it, said he could just cradle it down into the box using strands of foil,  which did not work, and it fell and smushed. . . . . .

    Even this morning as I ttied to explain my frustratin, he just huffed and puffed and said, "I'm going to work outside."  

    I keep hearing there is hope of ADHD/Non-ADHD couples.  But I really want to know how it is done.  What I can only see is this:  he gets his way, and don;t get my way.  No compromise.  Ever.

    This lady has a headache.  I am really believing this is all much more work than I am willing to do anymore.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Filed for divorce on Friday. Wondering if I ever loved him by: Sueann 11 years 2 months ago

    How can you love someone you don't know? How can you love someone who won't share with you? I didn't know anything about what made him tick. It took 2 years of marriage before I figured out who was depressed. I thought that was the fundamental problem, not realizing that it's probably the result of his ADD.

    I think what I fell for was the hyperfocus on me. Anything I wanted he'd do for me. He got up 7, drove 30 miles to pick me up and take me to work, then took me to my second job (where he worked too), then 30 miles back to my house. He did this for months, while I saved up money to buy a new car. It was wonderful. Everything I needed or wanted he did for me. Then we got married. Then he got fired, and wouldn't keep up our house even though I still had the same 2 jobs.

    Maybe I never loved him at all. Maybe I just fell in love with the hyperfocus. Maybe after a first marriage where I was expected to do the housework, raise the kids, etc. and was beaten if I didn't do it right, maybe after being a single mom to 2 teenagers, one with ADD, and raising them to adulthood, I just thought I loved someone who seemed to love me so much.

    Maybe if I loved him, I would have been happy to work while he didn't and come home at 10:30 and do the dishes, etc. Maybe if I loved him I'd have been glad to support him while he hyperfocused on NCIS and Charmed reruns. Love is about giving, not receiving. Should I have stuck it out, even though there was no more partnership there, because I made the commitment? Maybe he didn't feel loved because I had to work so much to support us both that I couldn't spend much time with him.

    So now I kind of feel guilty. What happens to people who won't work? His mother isn't going to be around to support him forever. How will he eat and how will he have a place to live? I don't make enough to support 2 households, and I'm not going to be paying alimony. We weren't married long enough for him to get Social Security on my record, and his own will be pathetic, and he won't qualify for at least another 11 years. So what happens to these people, who are so damaged?

     

  • ADHD is fake????? by: Little Dicola 11 years 2 months ago

    Hi everyone,

    Firstly, my husband has been diagnosed with ADHD as a child. We have also determined that his mother has it, and possibly his father (which has passed away 20 years ago). We have seen another psychiatrist recently to confirm that my husband is still struggling with Adult ADHD.

    Since I've finally recognized that ADHD is what is causing so much problems in my marriage, I've embarked on a journey learning about ADHD. I've specially ordered Melissa Orlov's book The ADHD Effect on Marriage, I reside in South Africa. Everything I've read in this book has been SPOT ON. To me, it's been the absolute best investment I could make in my marriage. 

    Now, I am very concerned. I've read articles of studies that have been conducted in children that use Ritalin. It has been confirmed that Ritalin stunts development growth by 3 years. I read another recent article that gives the impression ADHD does not really exist, and is a fake and made up theory. Here is the link to this article: http://www.naturalnews.com/040938_adhd_fictitious_disease_psychiatry.html

    We are looking to find some medication for my husband to help cope with some ADHD symptoms. He is also struggling terribly to sleep. However, most popular ADHD medication ALL has insomnia listed as a side effect (Ritalin, Concerta, Strattera, etc.) which is really not going to help at all. He needs his sleep, he works very long hours. Someone also told me that he should try take melatonin, but I've read very concerning views regarding this. 

    I'm confused because I have now all this conflicting information, and suddenly ADHD may not even be a reality. Please may I ask what are your thoughts and could you possibly give me sound advice? 

    Thank you.

  • Maybe, just maybe 'ADHD' is an excuse to act like a heartless jerk. by: Jessi12 11 years 2 months ago

    Seems to me this is just an excuse. Do they ever change? Do they even want to? Nope. And I say that because my guy is nice to whom he chooses, when he chooses, then acts like a completely heartless jerk to others when the mood strikes. 

    It is crap. Immature, selfish crap. And no magic pill will make the huge difference. People only change if they want to. 

    After reading other posts it seems these people have no desire to change, ever. Maybe it's a case of being a Narcissist. No one else matters unless that person can fulfill some need of theirs. The truth is, these people are controlling Narcissists and we are enablers because we put up with the s***. 

    I believe you should treat eachother nice. Period. My childhood sucked (im 38 now) mom is a 'weekender' and mom and dad fought....both verbally and physically. Not all the time but too often. It wasn't lovely. Mom suffered, yes, but i suffered more, my first memory, age 5 consists of mom and dad fist-fighting and mom having a bruised backside. So I decided, that wasn't cool. Unfortunately, as it often happens this way, I had to endure a marriage of physical and emotional abuse, but I got out of that. Divorced 9 years now. And I stand by my belief that you should treat others with respect. It's not ok to throw things or yell ugly insults at the person you LOVE and have chosen to be with. So should I claim I too have ADHD and be a bitter jerk? I too have some emotional issues, life has not been kind to me. I get really sad sometimes, but its no excuse to act like the Devils spawn towards other people. So what do you think might happen if I behaved like my ADHD guy next time there's an argument? That's right, I'd be out the door. In about two seconds. 

    I think it's baloney. I've been with my guy for about 5 years, we are not married but we live together. It was great at first, he's a real charmer...manipulator is probably a better word. I'm learning. He's a big ball of self-centeredness. Very intelligent too. Loves himself. Takes about how special he is. And finds fault in pretty much everyone and everything. I've never encountered a more critical person. It's embarrassing sometimes. If it takes too long at the doctors, he throws a fit...if things aren't up to par, wherever we may be, he makes it known. Him on the other hand, he can act any way he wants to. A complete slob most of the time too. A real lazy sob. And then I get yelled at because his things are a mess. I am not his mother. Whatever happened to an adult taking responsibility for his or her actions. He blames it on ADHD... If/when he runs out of his Adderall it's the end of the world. And who's responsibility is it to make the doctors appointment? You guessed it! Me. 

    I feel unfocused half of the time because I take care of 99% of everything at home. I also work, and Im an artist. Im also dealing with Melanoma, I go to all appointments alone. Zero support from Captain Wonderful. He dumps everything in my lap, like he is Mr King S***. And you know, I don't throw things or yell at him for it. I just deal with whatever it is and move on. I am the enabler, but that's done now. 

    Any argument is a complete nightmare. Regardless of what I say I'm the jerk, even if I'm apologizing. I rarely call him a name, I just dont believe in it...Still I cant get my point across at all. It turns into some kind of a power-struggle. He spits mean insults at me as if I was a nobody he could care less about. Afterwards he says he was just mad. And its ok because he LOVES me. 

    Nope, I think this is all bogus. I agree it's a case of mental illness but you know, at some point you have to be responsible for what you do. I for one have had enough. I've treated this  jerk very good, I'm a registered nurse, pay all my own bills, and I'm tired of being disrespected by big immature, selfish boy. I suggest anyone else dealing with this get out ASAP because its not going to change. The good times, the sweet times, all that is not worth it because they are too few and far between and people like this will damage your psyche if you aren't careful. 

    Greetings. 

  • ADHD marriage is a losing game by: Linsy 11 years 2 months ago

    You believe you have been picked for a team of two, with potential for new team members to come on board. It is exciting and makes you very happy. You anticipate running down the field, passing the ball between you, dodging tackles, swerving rough patches, pushing through the pain barrier, side by side. You pass the ball, but instead of the ball being passed back in a steady rhythm, it is dropped. Every single time. So you go back and pick it up and try and pass it again with the same result. Very occasionally it is picked up. You cheer, you jump for joy, you think it is a happy new start. But then you are back to the same old thing - bewildered and trotting backwards through rough grass and potholes to pick up yet another dropped ball. For years and years, until you are staggering with exhaustion. I could not go on. Now I run alone, the ball safely cradled in my arms, the goal still a long way off. Not what I wanted at all.

  • How, why or when to discuss your ADD marriage problems with the kids by: Sparky5110 11 years 2 months ago

    After asking for a separation from my husband of 18 years (yes, things had gotten that bad), and after 2 -3 months of marriage counseling, my husband was diagnosed with ADD.  The diagnosis really helped explain a lot of things (my feelings of complete lack of connection with my husband, my feelings of doing everything within the marriage, our pathetic sex life, my husband's complete surprise that there was a problem...) and, to a large extent, we follow the patterns in the books a bit too perfectly  (except we did not argue much).  My husband has since started on medication, but its been too early for me to tell if there is an improvement in the same behaviors that led us to this point. Some of the behaviors are definitely still there, and I am trying not to fall into our typical reaction cycle, but I do sometimes.   (We are separated so our interactions are fewer---less stress on me, perhaps more on our children).  My kids are now 17 and 15, and the older one was diagnosed with ADD about 10 years ago.  (No, none of his counselors or the educational psychiatrist told us that it was likely inherited from one of the parents.) 

    My question---despite our other problems---is how much of our circumstances to explain to the kids (primarily) and other people (parents, relatives, close friends).  My children are really angry at me for "sending dad away," and since they did not see a problem, I can understand their viewpoint.  They demonstrate their anger by ignoring me, making belittling remarks to me, slamming doors, stonewalling, refusing to answer questions, generally being rude, telling me he doesn't love or respect me, etc.  They do see their father quite frequently---we alternate dinner nights with the kids and weekend fun time, and breakfasts when school is in session.  (Their father virtually never made dinner before our separation and never got up with them to make breakfast---which I did, out of choice, and rarely planned weekend activities.)  We have both told them that we both take even responsibility for our marriage problems, but they clearly see this as something that I initiated---which I did.  We have told them that we are "working on it,"  but again---they don't see what we are doing (marriage counseling, individual counseling, reading all the ADD material I can find, trying a few "date nights").  I have not wanted them to know too much of what we are doing, because I don't want them to get their hopes up too much for a reconciliation. 

    How much should we tell them about ADD and its effects on our marriage (the typical behaviors, etc.)  and my husband's medication and our general work on the relationship?  I don't want to blame the ADD or my husband for all of our problems, but it seems like many of our problems may be rooted in the ADD.  This is especially touchy because they are teenage boys so they are not particularly communicative to start with---and one of them has unmedicated ADD  (that we may now choose to discuss medication with as an option before he goes off to college.)  Before our separation, I had a great relationship with both of my kids.  Now, I think they hate me (at least for now) and its really painful.   In addition, my parents are completely non-supportive of me and our separation.  They think I am selfish and just mean---they don't care about ADD or its effect.  Again---I care a bit less about telling them---but they ask very detailed questions whenever we talk (which is not often now).  I don't know if my husband wants me telling other people (parents, etc.) about his ADD---I think he thinks of it as "something wrong with him."  Any advice on dealing with angry children from while we work on the marriage?

  • ADHD wife and possible (probable?!?!) Narcissistically Personality Disordered husband - HELP!!!! by: katetd 11 years 3 months ago

    Hi all,

    I am desperate to know if anybody else has had a similar experience to me?? I did post briefly about this new understanding of my situation under another subject stream and received a very positive and validating response from another member which was much appreciated but not from a position of having experienced anything similar from what I could gather. So I would so much like to know whether or not Im alone in what Ive been through. My story below. Sorry it is so long but it is just so hard to explain & express in simple terms and of course I am still emotionally & psychologically still reeling! Even if you dont relate but you feel moved to respond I would so appreciate it. If nobody can relate it is OK because I do have specialised support related to the issues Im dealing with elsewhere. But I think my shame about my ADHD counted against me in this situation (perhaps contributed towards my being a sitting duck in other words!) which may be something some of us may have experience of and all need to bear in mind!?! OK so here tis:

    I have been married for 14/15 years to my husband and was diagnosed a few years ago with predominantly inattentive type ADHD when my undiagnosed symptoms worsened after aggressive chemotherapy for breast cancer and premature menopause. Our daughter was diagnosed with ADHD a few years before I was. There have been lots of increasing difficulties in the relationship and my husband has not been at at all open to seeing his part in any of our problems, educating himself re ADHD and the ADHD relationship dynamic, to come to therapy and basically has consistently blamed everything on me. My mental health has deteriorated over the years and I started realizing (as have a couple of close friends) that he has been progressively (covertly to begin) emotionally and mentally abusing me for quite some years. He was using my ADHD and everything, anything & nothing else (very bewildering - I couldn't win!!) about me against me, constantly criticizes me about everything and anything, nothing I ever do is right or good enough, he ignores me, doesnt listen to me, doesnt communicate with me, doesnt tell me anything that he is doing or that is going on for him, withholds, shows no care or consideration, and has started exploding in rage and anger out of the blue (although I started sensing the signs of a build up to it) over nothing or over the tiniest things. etc etc etc.

    He recently left thank god but not before lining up another relationship which I sensed and asked him about but his response was to self righteously deny this and be extremely indignant about the fact I would suggest this let alone even think it!! He said this proved what a crazy, vindictive, paranoid , neurotic I was! I confess that I got into his email account and indeed discovered he was lying about the affair, about a whole lot of other things over the years and was saying the most horrible cruel hurtful contemptuous insulting things about me to this new girl and to one or 2 of his only friends.

    I had sensed his dislike hated of me for quite some time but when I had ever asked him about this he had always denied it telling me he loved me madly but that I just drove him crazy sometimes but then I realise now continue to mistreat and lie to me. I had many times asked if we could go to therapy together even if just to learn how to better deal with my ADHD together or to get help to decide if we do need to separate and how to do that the best way, Always he would say no and just tell me I was the one with the problems that needs to sort myself out and that he didnt have much hope that would happen. So I would then say if that is the case then why do you stay? I even suggested to him once or twice (out of love!) that if he is so unhappy with the me then he should leave and find his happiness elsewhere because I just cant be what he wants me to be. But again he would say no I love you. Sometimes when we would get into arguments or he would go into one of his rages he would threaten to leave but then back down on this. When I found out all that had really been going on it was utterly traumatic BUT it also made so much sense of all the crazymaking undermining stuff I felt had been going on that I couldnt pinpoint, articulate or make sense of!! Really in retrospect he had just about fully brainwashed me into believing I was really the main problem, that I was loosing my mind and was all these horrible things he had been consistently telling me I was that I knew I wasnt but was becoming less and less sure about!  (I now see this as mostly all projection on his part and his twisting all my weaknesses and vulnerabilities back against me!). The ADHD is certainly not a non issue but I realise now that it was just one of so many things he used against me. It as well as depression and anxiety had just been getting worse and worse over the years as was my self confidence, sense of reality and hope. When he left everything improved significantly almost overnight for first time in years!!! I still have a way to go because it had got so very bad but the difference was startling!!

    When I confronted him about all his lying and cheating, backstabbing and mistreatment of me over the years his response was (once yet again) to coldly and self righteously list out ALL the reasons I was to blame for all of this over the years, ask me "So what did you expect? Derrrr!" and to state with great certainty that he did not owe me any explanations beyond that and certainly did not owe me any apologies whatsover and in future will have no communication with me whatsover except in regards ro our daughter!!!  So...no apologies (Havent heard one  for many years anyway - I was the one apologizing all the time in the end!), no sympathy, empathy, compassion or remorse (again something I realise havent seen or felt from him for many years). I was so utterly, utterly utterly gobsmacked ......I had this sudden clear as a bell realization that I was not dealing with a normal human being at all!!!!

    I was so traumatised but what I found out (and had been enduring fro years as I realise) and particularly to find out really the last so many years (at least 9 or so) had been a lie!!!! I have never ever ever experienced anything like this before! I have been a mess, totally bewildered, disoriented, dissociated even ...but have a couple of good friends who have been great and a therapist who is supporting me. I was so bewildered by his behaviour and what I found out about him that I did a whole lot more research online about emotional abuse of this kind which led me to information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (particularly a more covert variety) which I wasnt expecting and almost dismissed. But I stopped to read through the information and was utterly shocked to recognise everything about him, the relationship I had been experiencing with him and the psychological, mental and emotional (even physical!) impact on me of being in this relationship with  him!!!! rhe more info I read the more the pieces fell into place - click click click and the more convinced I became at same time as flip flopping between this increasing certainty and denial becuase it just seemed so crazy and unbelievable that I would actually end up with someone like this let alone stay in a relationship with them for 15 YEARS and not realise there was something seriously wrong with him!!! But the more I read the more I understood that this is not unusual because these types are often extremely clever and pretending to be something they are not (even to themselves!) and can be incredibly covert, subtle and insidious with their abuse and brainwashing! And apparently even the most insightful, self aware, intelligent, well balanced of people can be totally blindsided sometimes for decades! Whixh was some small compensation because boy am I feeling like the biggest sucker in the universe right now!!! :(

    I found private closed support group for people like me and I cannot begin to tell you what a life saver it has been in so many ways. ive learnt quickly that few people can understand this stuff let alone believe that he has done this to me or that this sort of abuse exists let alone understand how damaging it can be. my therapist also gets it as does my ADHD psychiatrist who informed me that unfortunately a lot of people turn up to therapy in the same state as me wondering what the hell is wrong with them and  it turns out that they are in relationships with narcissists (or sociopaths/psychopaths who share some common features with narcissists). As you might imagine I had little to know chance of being able to best manage my ADHD (or anything else for that matter) under these circumstances no matter how hard I tried because he would keep undermining me in everyway and then blaming me for not taking responsibility for it or for anything else! Arggg - seriously towards the end I was contemplating suicide quite regularly because I felt so hopeless, helpless, useless and as if I was increasingly no good to anyone (especially my daughter) - and this was SO UNLIKE ME!!!! Fortunately, I told my friend, psychiatrist and could never think of a good enough way to kill myself that would not totally destroy my daughter!!! And since he has left I have had none of these suicidal thoughts or feelings at all! I do feel an awful lot of shame however.

    Im just wondering if ANY other ADHDers have had any experiences similar to this or have had to deal with being in relationship with a personality disordered partner (whether they knew it at time or not)??? Please I would be so grateful if you could let me know, or even if you dont know but this sounds familiar, or for any other advice or feedback from anyone. Please know that I have spent years taking on far too much blame and responsibility for things in the relationship and within the family and it has to stop now. I have searched my soul for years in this relationship turning myself inside out trying to work out what is going wrong, what Im doing wrong, worrying that I am going crazy and going to therapist after therapist, taking meds, researching, trying hard to help myself and my daughter manage our ADHD without any real support from him....I am pretty convinced that what Im describing here goes way beyond ADHD denial and avoidance of responsibility. And this is firmly backed up by my friends, therapist and the  support group I mentioned. In fact my friends have been trying to tell me this for years!!

    If you have read through all is, I am so very grateful for your patience and interest. I hope that somebody in some way identifies with this experience but if not I still really welcome your feedback, responses, thoughts reactions. Please I only ask that even if you think it is a load of bull and that Im just making excuses for the effects of not taking the best responsibility for managing my ADHD in my marriage.

     I have not come to these conclusions easily or willingly and it is very hard to talk about it still as some people just cant comprehend what Im describing (possibly I might have been the same once upon a time!). And therefore please be gentle and respectful in your communication with me (which doesn't mean you cant be honest about any scepticism, disbelief or other perspectives). If you dont feel that you can respect this then I ask that you refrain from responding at all. Thankyou :) 

  • ADHD spouse married to Personality Disordered spouse???? Can anybody else relate to my story??? by: katetd 11 years 3 months ago

    Hi,

    I have been married for 14/15 years to my husband and was diagnosed a few years ago with predominantly inattentive type ADHD when my undiagnosed symptoms worsened after aggressive chemotherapy for breast cancer and premature menopause. Our daughter was diagnosed with ADHD a few years before I was. There have been lots of increasing difficulties in the relationship and my husband has not been at at all open to seeing his part in any of our problems, educating himself re ADHD and the ADHD relationship dynamic, to come to therapy and basically has consistently blamed everything on me. My mental health has deteriorated over the years and I started realizing (as have a couple of close friends) that he has been progressively (covertly to begin) emotionally and mentally abusing me for quite some years. He was using my ADHD and everything, anything & nothing else (very bewildering - I couldn't win!!) about me against me, constantly criticizes me about everything and anything, nothing I ever do is right or good enough, he ignores me, doesnt listen to me, doesnt communicate with me, doesnt tell me anything that he is doing or that is going on for him, withholds, shows no care or consideration, and has started exploding in rage and anger out of the blue (although I started sensing the signs of a build up to it) over nothing or over the tiniest things. etc etc etc.

    He recently left thank god but not before lining up another relationship which I sensed and asked him about but his response was to self righteously deny this and be extremely indignant about the fact I would suggest this let alone even think it!! He said this proved what a crazy, vindictive, paranoid , neurotic I was! I confess that I got into his email account and indeed discovered he was lying about the affair, about a whole lot of other things over the years and was saying the most horrible cruel hurtful contemptuous insulting things about me to this new girl and to one or 2 of his only friends.

    I had sensed his dislike hated of me for quite some time but when I had ever asked him about this he had always denied it telling me he loved me madly but that I just drove him crazy sometimes but then I realise now continue to mistreat and lie to me. I had many times asked if we could go to therapy together even if just to learn how to better deal with my ADHD together or to get help to decide if we do need to separate and how to do that the best way, Always he would say no and just tell me I was the one with the problems that needs to sort myself out and that he didnt have much hope that would happen. So I would then say if that is the case then why do you stay? I even suggested to him once or twice (out of love!) that if he is so unhappy with the me then he should leave and find his happiness elsewhere because I just cant be what he wants me to be. But again he would say no I love you. Sometimes when we would get into arguments or he would go into one of his rages he would threaten to leave but then back down on this. When I found out all that had really been going on it was utterly traumatic BUT it also made so much sense of all the crazymaking undermining stuff I felt had been going on that I couldnt pinpoint, articulate or make sense of!! Really in retrospect he had just about fully brainwashed me into believing I was really the main problem, that I was loosing my mind and was all these horrible things he had been consistently telling me I was that I knew I wasnt but was becoming less and less sure about!  (I now see this as mostly all projection on his part and his twisting all my weaknesses and vulnerabilities back against me!). The ADHD is certainly not a non issue but I realise now that it was just one of so many things he used against me. It as well as depression and anxiety had just been getting worse and worse over the years as was my self confidence, sense of reality and hope. When he left everything improved significantly almost overnight for first time in years!!! I still have a way to go because it had got so very bad but the difference was startling!!

    When I confronted him about all his lying and cheating, backstabbing and mistreatment of me over the years his response was (once yet again) to coldly and self righteously list out ALL the reasons I was to blame for all of this over the years, ask me "So what did you expect? Derrrr!" and to state with great certainty that he did not owe me any explanations beyond that and certainly did not owe me any apologies whatsover and in future will have no communication with me whatsover except in regards ro our daughter!!!  So...no apologies (Havent heard one  for many years anyway - I was the one apologizing all the time in the end!), no sympathy, empathy, compassion or remorse (again something I realise havent seen or felt from him for many years). I was so utterly, utterly utterly gobsmacked ......I had this sudden clear as a bell realization that I was not dealing with a normal human being at all!!!! 

    I was so traumatised but what I found out (and had been enduring fro years as I realise) and particularly to find out really the last so many years (at least 9 or so) had been a lie!!!! I have never ever ever experienced anything like this before! I have been a mess, totally bewildered, disoriented, dissociated even ...but have a couple of good friends who have been great and a therapist who is supporting me. I was so bewildered by his behaviour and what I found out about him that I did a whole lot more research online about emotional abuse of this kind which led me to information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (particularly a more covert variety) which I wasnt expecting and almost dismissed. But I stopped to read through the information and was utterly shocked to recognise everything about him, the relationship I had been experiencing with him and the psychological, mental and emotional (even physical!) impact on me of being in this relationship with  him!!!! rhe more info I read the more the pieces fell into place - click click click and the more convinced I became at same time as flip flopping between this increasing certainty and denial becuase it just seemed so crazy and unbelievable that I would actually end up with someone like this let alone stay in a relationship with them for 15 YEARS and not realise there was something seriously wrong with him!!! But the more I read the more I understood that this is not unusual because these types are often extremely clever and pretending to be something they are not (even to themselves!) and can be incredibly covert, subtle and insidious with their abuse and brainwashing! And apparently even the most insightful, self aware, intelligent, well balanced of people can be totally blindsided sometimes for decades! Whixh was some small compensation because boy am I feeling like the biggest sucker in the universe right now!!! :(

    I found private closed support group for people like me and I cannot begin to tell you what a life saver it has been in so many ways. ive learnt quickly that few people can understand this stuff let alone believe that he has done this to me or that this sort of abuse exists let alone understand how damaging it can be. my therapist also gets it as does my ADHD psychiatrist who informed me that unfortunately a lot of people turn up to therapy in the same state as me wondering what the hell is wrong with them and  it turns out that they are in relationships with narcissists (or sociopaths/psychopaths who share some common features with narcissists). As you might imagine I had little to know chance of being able to best manage my ADHD (or anything else for that matter) under these circumstances no matter how hard I tried because he would keep undermining me in everyway and then blaming me for not taking responsibility for it or for anything else! Arggg - seriously towards the end I was contemplating suicide quite regularly because I felt so hopeless, helpless, useless and as if I was increasingly no good to anyone (especially my daughter) - and this was SO UNLIKE ME!!!! Fortunately, I told my friend, psychiatrist and could never think of a good enough way to kill myself that would not totally destroy my daughter!!! And since he has left I have had none of these suicidal thoughts or feelings at all! I do feel an awful lot of shame however.

    Im just wondering if ANY other ADHDers have had any experiences similar to this or have had to deal with being in relationship with a personality disordered partner (whether they knew it at time or not)??? Please I would be so grateful if you could let me know, or even if you dont know but this sounds familiar, or for any other advice or feedback from anyone. Please know that I have spent years taking on far too much blame and responsibility for things in the relationship and within the family and it has to stop now. I have searched my soul for years in this relationship turning myself inside out trying to work out what is going wrong, what Im doing wrong, worrying that I am going crazy and going to therapist after therapist, taking meds, researching, trying hard to help myself and my daughter manage our ADHD without any real support from him....I am pretty convinced that what Im describing here goes way beyond ADHD denial and avoidance of responsibility. And this is firmly backed up by my friends, therapist and the  support group I mentioned. In fact my friends have been trying to tell me this for years!! 

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