Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • feeling sad by: jessme 11 years 3 months ago

    I don't think that I've ever posted before, but I read quite regularly.  I am the non add spouse - my husband was diagnosed about 3 yrs ago, though I knew fairly quickly into our marriage that add was an issue.  We've been married 15 yrs and things started out pretty rocky as neither one of us had very good relationship skills or role models (his parents were active alcoholics who fought constantly prior to divorcing, mine where conflict avoiders who didn't fight at all until until divorcing) and we had some difficult challenges very early on that lead to some trust issues on both sides we are still working to resolve.  Fortunately about 6-7 yrs into our marriage we began studying non-violent communication www.cnvc.org (me actively, him more through osmoses, but willingly) and it has helped us to avoid some of the worst damage that add can do to a relationship, helping us learn to be non-judgmental (actions are simply reflections of unmet needs) and to own our own feelings.  Of course we've had many of the typical add challenges - prolonged job loss, difficulty balancing household responsibilities, etc. but have made it thus far.  He is currently taking Vyvance, which is helpful, but I don't think optimal.  I am hoping that we can do Melissa's course and/or have him do some coaching because he still struggles with coming up with strategies to really "manage" add and I think that not accessing the strategies that others have found useful simply makes it harder on him and on the family.  I would also love someone else's opinion on the medication, because he really struggles with rebound anger and I don't know that he realizes quite how difficult it is on those around him - particularly when he's in the middle of it.

    So that brings me to the current situation...  we are hoping to move soon and have found a house that we both really adore.  However, when I went to apply for the mortgage it turns out that he never applied for reimbursement for, and thus never paid a business AmEx bill from a business trip last fall, leaving it in default.  I knew for a time in the fall it was an issue, but he was quite defensive when I brought it up and so I ultimately just let it go from my "to do" list.  We have since paid it out of the funds we had set aside for the down payment (he still hasn't turned in his receipts) but the black mark is making it quite difficult, if not impossible, to secure a mortgage.  It is possible that he can call AmEx and beg them for mercy, but he has also put off doing this for the past several days (since we discovered the issue).

    I understand all of the why's and where withall's of the issue.  And I'm not really angry - but ame struggling to keep sadness, frustration, and potential disappointment from moving that direction.  I keep trying to gently remind him to make the phone call and submit the report since this is all stuff that only he is legally allowed to do.  I've offered to sit down with him and go through receipts - we almost got there one night, but ultimately he decided he was too tired from working on our current house all day (we have to get it ready to sell too).

    Maybe, frankly, I've been spoiled that while the add has caused us what dave ramsey calls the "stupid tax" it has never really significantly gotten between an obvious point A and and an obvious point B.  But I'm just trying to make peace with the whole thing and didn't want to bring up with friends because a) I don't gripe about dh with friends, though I will problem solve or get empathy in certain situation from certain people but mainly b) I think they'll feel protective of me and it will bring the sadness, frustration, disappointment to the surface and I don't know that that will be useful for coping at this point - oh and I'm also pregnant, due in early December so trying to keep the balancing act of relatively low stress, but wanting to feel settled before the baby.  I guess I'm just posting here because it seemed like a safe place to express all of the facets of the situation and on the off chance anyone had any miraculous ideas.

    Thank you!

  • Any POSITIVE reports? by: nonwife 11 years 3 months ago

    My OP has been deleted to protect my husband's feelings. All of your responses were welcome and appreciated — so much that I immediately purchased the book.  Now he may come across these forums and I do not want to leave evidence that might be interpreted as mean spirited or unkind.

    Thanks for all of your support, everyone! Great to know I'm not alone.

  • Non-ADHD spousal affair. I'm lost. by: Kabob 11 years 3 months ago

    I am a 40 year old male that was diagnosed (family physician) with ADD earlier this year. I just recently was officially diagnosed through an ADHD psychologist. I have been on meds for several months. Unfortunately I did not do much research when I was initially diagnosed and figured the meds would take care of it. This created every one of the marital patterns Melissa describes in her book on both myself and wife's part. They have been present of course since before I was diagnosed but not recognized or dealt with at all.

    Fast forward to 06/11/2013 (our 2nd wedding anniversary) when I discovered texts that left no doubt my non-ADHD wife was having an affair with another woman from her work. Suddenly all the signs made since. All the "unconscious" gut feelings something was wrong. She ended the affair and has cut all contact with the other woman and we have tried to begin healing. She tried finding another job over the summer (she's a teacher) but was unsuccessful and has now had to go back to the same job.

    I am seeking the proper therapy and medication through ADHD specialists now and beginning the learning process of what the effects have been on me as an adult that's grown up with undiagnosed ADD. From what I've learned so far, here is where I feel I am getting stuck.

    1) Hyperfocusing on the details, timelines and overall the affair. My wife deleted most all evidence from her email/phone, etc. The issue is I am somewhat of a digital forensics expert and can/have recovered data up to a specific date. I know reading all the texts can/is harmful. I have read some already and they are hard to forget but my hyperfocus is not letting it go. I have gone so far as to physical pack away the computer the data is on and it still "calls" to me so forcefully it's hard not to unpack it. IS there a way to turn this off or train my brina to focus on something else?

    2) Learning how much my ADD contributed to the environment in our marriage has been and extremely painful process. I knew I spent too much time 'playing' but I also thought I was doing a much better job of managing it. I also didnt relaize how this left my wife feeling. I can only get a few paragraphs at a time in of Melissa's book because of the pain I feel. I logically know her choices are her own and she has said as much and taken responsibility for them, but I am stuck on blaming myself for her choices.

    3) Trust - While trust in any case of an affair is hard to regain/earn, I have been betrayed or given up on so much in my life that it's hard to trust anyone even after a small betrayal or hurt let alone something of this scale. I want to forgive and try and make things better but this has proven so difficult. I've read it takes an average of 2 years to recover from an affair and I fear dealing with my ADD and trying to recover from an affair will break me more than I already am.

    Are there any words of wisdom or advice from others experience? Does it get better? Can you get past it?

    Thanks in advance.

  • Guilt and anger by: Guilt1952 11 years 3 months ago

    Hi

    I have been reading from this forum for a few weeks now because I really needed help to understand how I have been feeling for the past few years.

    I am 61 years old my husband is 65. We met when I was 17 and have been married for 42 years. We had 2 daughters age 41 and 39 and 2 granddaughters.

    Last December, my daughter called me and asked if we can take care of our 15 year old granddaughter. Of course we said yes because we were aware of the problems they have been having.

    Our granddaughter was diagnosed as having ADHD when she was 9 and has been medicated but has a lot of problems dealing with her anger and different areas of her life.

    While she has been living with us, I started to noticed her behavior was very similar to my husband. Red flags kept popping up and I started to read about ADHD in adults.

    I always thought my husband was lazy, had no ambition, was forgetting on purpose, was selfish, was narcissistic I can keep going but....

    I started to really think something was really mentally wrong with him after he retired from work 8 years ago. I asked him to take a doctor appointment FOR MRI because I was worried. I thought maybe it was the start of Alzheimer or a brain tumor.

     The reason I  was noticing more was because he was always home now. His anger doubled because  I was asking more of him. My husband really don't like working. He procrastinate until i get very angry at him and then he says I am a nagger or I expect too much. His best line is "I thought retirement was suppose to be relaxing and doing what I wanted". When I succeed to get him to do something you can compare the job being done by a kid. He will take 2 hours to do a job that take normally 15 minutes to a regular person. He was really slow...think slow, does everything very slow. My husband will not die from a heart attack because he was too fast :)

    Anyhow, since my granddaughter came to  live with us in December I started to get a double dosage. My frustration was building up. There was a lot of anger, yelling from all parties a very chaotic home. I wanted to be firm with my granddaughter, my husband felt it was easier to give in  than to bare with her anger. We had individual counseling, couple counseling, family counseling. Frustration was too much. Husband was saying if he had thought it was going to be this hard to deal with our granddaughter he would have never accepted to take care of her.

    We decided to give our granddaughter to her paternal grandparents because of our issues at home. I feel very guilty because I had to choose between my husband and my granddaughter.  We have legal custody of our granddaughter. I don't think it will be possible to take her back. Children Aid is now involved because of all the yelling in our home and we don't seem to be able to take care of our granddaughter because of our own issues. There was no physical violence of our part but there was from our granddaughter towards us. She throws things at us, punches walls, break things and calls us very bad name. I don't want her back now and feel very guilty about this. I also no longer want legal custody because I will be responsible for her actions until she is 18. The paternal grandparents don't want legal custody. The poor girl is being thrown all directions.

    As for my husband, next week is his second appointment to diagnose his ADD. I also asked my daughter to book an appointment for herself because I saw in her the same red flags when she was a child and as an adult. Back then ADHD was not as known as today. I wish my husband and I discovered this ADHD when we were a lot younger.

     

  • New here. Confused, broken down, hopeless. by: Mcb27 11 years 3 months ago

    My ADD husband has made me start questioning myself and my own needs - his rebuttals are often off topic or specific to one tiny literal detail of a conversation. I am going in circles in my head - am I making this all up, overreacting, crazy?  Do I need to continue to be accused of an affair (which is a ridiculous notion) every time I make plans with friends?  The only time I do anything social (he refuses) or for myself?!?  Do I need to constantly nag him?  Do I need to drop everything to help him find his wallet or phone for the 5th time this week?  Do I need to explain how he can be a million miles away when he is sitting 5 inches from me?  Do I need to continue explaining how pricing up on social cues is his responsibility and its not mine to itemize all the things he could do to help out?  Our conversations/arguments get us nowhere - there is grey but he sees only black and white. My family and even his have expressed concern for me and our two young kids.  I have no steam left. Hanging by a thread and feeling shattered. He wants to go off mess and says I am the one with the issues. He actually just asked if I was still in love with him....I don't think I am anymore.  I don't know what to do anymore. He sends me text after text and email after email- won't talk face to face. Starting counseling next week but I think it's too late. Just want my kids to make it through this - I am tough but they might not be...

  • Social planning by: StrongButNotTha... 11 years 3 months ago

    My husband has ADHD and I am so relieved to have found this resource! One thing that I have difficulty with is that I always seem to have to change plans to suit him. We can have something on the schedule for months in advance, and when the event arrives, especially if it is something that I have showed interest in, it always seems that something that is more important to him comes up, or he decides that he doesn't want to do anything at all.  I am feeling as though my wants and needs don't matter anymore and I am losing touch with things that I enjoy.  I suppose I could go do the things I like without him, but that defeats the point of doing things together and sharing each others interests. What can I do? I know I am not handling it well. I typically just give up, go do what he wants to do, but am disappointed that I had to give up the plans for the event that is from my side of the interest spectrum.. 

  • I'm falling apart by: supermom24 11 years 3 months ago
    I have come to my wits end... I falling apart, suffocating & dying inside. I have a husband with ADHD. He self diagnosed himself and after researching ADHD and knowing what to say he got a doctor to get on his side and medicate him, even though he didn't quite score enough to get medicated. He blamed ADHD for all his problems. Never motivated, never wants to work and therefore can't earn an income to even feed his family, which has left me working 50 hrs a week trying to make ends meet, run a House and look after 2 small children. Our marriage has been a struggle from day 1. Nothing is ever his fault and I am always wrong. Of late I am called lazy cause I am not constantly on my feet cleaning, cooking etc or at work. When he does help. I am hounded as to why i am not constantly saying thanks, when i reply i get no thanks for doing anything his reply is... Thats your job. I even have to ask him to look after his own children, should I need to do the occasional thing on my own. I don't know what else to do. Discussed divorce however threatened that he will ensure I get nothing while continuing paying for everything. Am I the only one that feels like this. I am a nervous wreck almost at breakdown, even when I say this his reply is... It's all in your head. Get over it. :-(
  • Looking for support/help/advice for my situation… by: boba 11 years 3 months ago

    My wife (we married in 2000) was diagnosed with ADHD about eight years ago. She has tried many primary medications (Ritalin, Adderall, Vyvanse) and a good amount of secondary medications (Effexor, Wellbutrin). I don't think she ever quite found the right combination for her—but she did have a certain degree of success with some of them—but she always complained about anxiousness, sweating, weight gain, and feeling jittery, which made them unacceptable.

    About a year and a half or so ago, she decided to stop taking the primary medications (moral reasons? not wanting so many chemicals floating through her body?) and started to take natural supplements to replace Vyvanse (but she continued to take Wellbutrin). Things seemed to be going well for a while, but recently, my wife's behavior began to change drastically. She began pulling away from me physically and mentally, started smoking, began to drink heavily and started telling me that she wanted to be "a free spirit". Subsequently, she has told me that she is questioning our marriage and pointed out that she never was attracted to me (!) and that she only married and have stayed with me out of obligation and because I was such a good "friend". :\

    In my mind, I feel that all these facts are pointing to untreated-ADHD affecting her immediate (hurtful) behaviors. I also see how these patterns have affected our relationship. I have read Melissa's book and I identify with all the patterns she presents and since 2010, I have been doing my part in all this, attempting to mitigate the effects of ADHD on our marriage as best I can. However, I am convinced that her psychiatric and therapeutic treatment has not been adequate and that many of these thoughts, feelings, automatic negative thoughts and behaviors are directly related to ADHD.

    So, why I am posting all this? I am sad because this doesn't feel like the wife I married. It feels like she is giving up on our marriage because she can't take the time to focus on truly working through issues that have occurred (mostly due to the affect ADHD has had on our relationship). I feel terrible because I feel like I am doing everything I can, but it is difficult for my wife to see what she is doing to me and ultimately what she is doing to herself.

    The good news is she has (a bit reluctantly) agreed to see a new psychiatrist—an ADHD specialist in our area to get re-evaluated and get better advice about medications. I am happy to report that this professional is inviting me to attend the initial evaluation and requires additional information from the spouse (none of her past psychiatrists/therapist has EVER asked for my input!).

    Any words of wisdom, advice, thoughts, prayers would be most welcome. I hope to share more as things progress (whether we stay together or not) in hopes that it may help others out there experiencing similar situations. :)

  • Too simplify or not? by: Oteb011 11 years 3 months ago

    I have adhd and frustrated because its hard to keep up with every thing. I work hard and make a very good income. I have a vey loving wife and 4 children. My baby is a senior in high school. I am 44 yrs old yet I have a strong desire to downsize to a condo or something smaller which would free up time and money and stress on myself. I thought maybe we as a couple would have more freedom and less cost thus being to travel and go out and play more. On the other hand my wife likes the big house and pool for the family parties and for the kids to come to as their families grow. Am I being selfish or should keep pushing forward for another 15 yrs until retirement?

     

  • ADHD and Infidelity by: MarcG 11 years 3 months ago

    Since reading Dr Orlov's wonderful book, I've been working hard to alter my behavior and not nag and criticize the way that I'd become accustomed to doing about all the weird things my partner does that never seemed to change. It's been a challenge but has been very rewarding to know that there is something I can do besides stay after her for her neglect of me, her forgetting things constantly and many other small things that go on and on. Things initially got better and we were discussing finding a therapist for her. We also argued far less, not much at all. Then things worsened again. I thought I was actually getting better at not nagging and talking about problems differently, offering encouragement when things went well. I became discouraged. Turns out, she has been building a romance with a co-worker where there is kissing, sexting and negative talk about me (that he is just fine with if it gets him closer to getting laid I would presume). She told me about the situation after lying about it several times. It started off as a crush and after it got more serious, she stopped talking about it and I discovered by asking questions.

    I don't know where to go with things now. We are an interracial couple, I'm Black and she's white. My family loves her but they are also old school and will likely not be very impressed if our family dissolves because she's fucking around. I don't want our son to grow up with it impressed upon him that his white mother broke up the family by cheating. This detail isn't about ADHD, I know, but I'm trying to give an idea of the pressure I'm under. I love her and want to make it work but don't know which way to go at this point. She doesn't show remorse that seems sincere and that makes me feel like there is no way to fix this. Thanks in advance to any encouragement, advice or support offered this is a great community filled with wonderful people that I'm proud to be among.

    MarcG

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