Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • help! New to site, need some feedback by: j_small123 11 years 5 months ago

    I have been with my husband for about 3 years now and we have a 14 month old son together.  As I have read a lot on the site, our courtship was amazing.  I came from an abusive relationship and thought that I had finally found Mr. Right.  Well, since our son was born a whole new person has emerged.  He is angry, sometimes violent, started watching porn and being sexually disrespectful.  If we get into an arguement about the smallest thing I see his whole face change and he becomes this monster that is unable to be spoken to or reasoned with.  I have tried so many time to be patient and talk things through with him, but once he gets upset I just don't know what to do.  Before he would get angry and just leave for a couple of hours, now it has become where he is violent, verbally abusive and will try and break things all around the house.  It is unbeleivable scary and even our son seems to notice the change in him.

     

    I want so much to be able to make this work, but I don't know how to get through to him.  I know he has been diagnosed with ADHD and does not wish to be on medication for it.  I want to know if there are any tips or helpful advise on how to deal with this and if I can address him in a different way that he will resbond better to.  Anytime I approach him about a situation, no matter how big or small, he makes it seem like I am attaching him or belittling him.  That is his favorite word, belittle.  All I do is sit there and try and think of how I can approach him so he won't get mad, but regardless of my approach things always get out of hand.  It can be for something as small as taking out the trash.

     

    I have also caught him in a few instances where he was talking to people that he said he was no longer in contact with, sneaking porn and denying it when confronted, etc.  I could really use some feedback or ideas and would appreciate any assistance.  I really want to be able to make our relationship work, but if I can't figure out what makes him act this way, I'm not sure how much longer I can live in this misery.

  • Love in the ruins by: jennalemon 11 years 5 months ago

    I once was loved. Before marriage, I felt loved by family, friends and the universe and saw beauty and synchronicity all around me.  

    In relationships, it can happen that one of the 2 people becomes the beloved and one of the people become the lover (as in does the work of loving).  I have loved but I have not been loved in return.  He NEEDED me to love him and care for him and listen to him and look at him.  He NEEDED someone to dance around his needs, forgive him constantly, bolster hix ego and mostly to give him sex (be conquered to benefit his ego) and give him the freedom of being his own independent person. I thought that one day, he would appreciate and love (actions) me in return like soul mates.  

    I have not been loved for a long time and what happens to your soul and heart is that you are not as strong as you are when you have people who support you and love you and look at you and listen to you.  When you feel invisible, there is little energy to work or excel or love anymore. The world does not seem like a fair place anymore and you wonder if love really exists or is it just in a person's imagination that love has meaning and power.  In my case with dh, love does not work.  Fighting for boundaries, watching my back, grabbing my share, manipulations, getting my way, staying strong, not taking things personally, not having any expectations would have been more effective and smart. I should have guarded my heart and strategized with him. He plays life like a chess game. But what a crappy way to live and love that would be.

    He got to be loved. So maybe he is the smart one. The smarter thing for me would have been to leave him and find someone who was able to love and give.

    I see the back of his balding head a lot as he is always still walking away from me. No goodbye. Not telling me where he is going or when he will be back. And he props himself up with his attitude of playing the part of a lovable goofball caricature of a man child with all the forgetfulness and inappropriateness of impulsive ADD.

  • Just about had it. by: herreng 11 years 5 months ago

    Hi, 

    I'm married to a wonderful man who was diagnosed about 4 years after we were married with ADHD.  His mother still don't want to believe that he has this.  

    I'm struggling right now.  He's at it again. I just received a phone call from him stating that he doesn't "feel right" about his current job. UGh!! This happens about 3 or 4 times a year.  This current job is a really good paying job and we have insurance through them too.  But he's on the "I want a new Job" roll again.  We have just gotten caught up on our bills, got out of foreclosure, and finally have a little bit of money in the bank.  And now it's all going to go down the toliet.

    After 18 years of marriage you would think that I would be use to this. But I'm tired of the quarterly announcement that he wants to be an astronaut, banker, pastor, teacher, social worker,....or what ever else he's into at that moment.

    Does anyone else have this issue with the ones they love?

     

  • Filing for Divorce and believe my spouse has undiagnosed ADHD by: Anonymous (not verified) 11 years 5 months ago

    I don't even know where to start. I don't want to disparage my wife, but I have paid over 1/2 the retainer to my attorney and plan on paying the rest by the end of the month so I thought I would at least put the information out there because this all just seems like a bad dream.  My wife and I have been married for three years, she has two children (6 and 7) from a previous marriage.  I feel like I have three children and just myself in the marriage.  Like I said, I have no idea where to start.  My wife refuses to be evaluated either for depression, ADHD, or any other medically valid reason why she exhibits the behavior she does.  For example, she cannot make a decision without a great deal of input from me, she calls me (until I was recently reprimanded for her calling too much) at work at least 15 times a day for advice on basic decisions, recently we spent over two hours discussing plans for a birthday party for a six year old.  We will arrive at a decision and she will change her mind at the last minute, leaving me completely dumbfounded as I plan for one thing and we end up doing another.  Up until I informed her I was filing for divorce, we had little to no sex life at all, twice a month was a good month, strangely since I informed her I was filing that has changed to she seems to not be able to get enough (she says she is so sorry for denying it in the past).  She is a stay at home mom yet until I informed her I was filing housework was hit or miss, but most of the time a miss, I would often remark to her that I was more impressed by the amount of work she "didn't" get done.  I worked part time and full time, and am in the Army Reserves, and I would come home to barely walk through the living room because of the mess and do the piled up dishes in the sink.  She says she gets distracted and she watches videos of old TV shows a lot on her phone, so on.   Maybe these things seem minor but my confusion lies here, she can concentrate when it comes to school activities, volunteering for EVERY children's event at school, organizing and planning them, she will spend hours.  But she says she is always overwhelmed when it comes to housework, the only thing that engages her is me becoming upset, (I am not a person to yell, but I do get frustrated about it), or recently when I informed her I was filing for divorce.  This may seem minor and some may ask "why is he filing for divorce just because she doesn't clean the house", I wish it were that simple.  It pervades every part of our life, work, home, church, school, and family relationships.  Simple things that seem like every day events for most of us become monumental tasks that she needs guidance through.  She goes to bed about 8:30 pm and gets up just in time to get the kids to school, around 7:30 am, which causes chaos because they aren't able to get ready in time and she is constantly running late.  Many times I have over 10 calls at work in the morning between 7 am and 8:45 to advise her how to handle a situation with the kids, so on.  I have detailed discussions with her about either an upcoming event or even just a small event later that day and she literally will act as if we never talked an hour later, and forget remembering a detail.  My confusion is, if it concerns her children she knows down to the 25th decimal point of PI.  She has been evaluated for a sleep disorder, lupus, any kind of vitamin deficiency, and nothing has been positive.  The chiropractor believes that she may have Adrenal Stress Syndrome, he recommends two chiropractic appointments a month, I researched it and it isn't even medically recognized, so I told her that makes no sense to spend all that money on something there is no real diagnosis for.   She finally agreed to be evaluated for the possibility of Adult ADHD but hasn't followed through on an appointment, she wants me to schedule one for her!  I am still proceeding with the divorce, but does this sound familiar to anyone.  I believe it is ADHD but since she won't get evaluated, I cannot be sure.  It's been a nightmare during the time we have had together and I just can't carry three people through life anymore when one of them is making adult decisions without the ability to contribute to the marriage.

    My struggle is how can she focus on her kids, but have complete chaos everywhere else?  I don't understand that.

  • Am I the only one? by: QD-PRN 11 years 5 months ago

    I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and find it a burden. My first marriage ended after eleven years of my undoing. I felt that my wife was enabling me not to manage my ADHD. I have been in a relationship now for just over a year and I have no objective data as to why I am different in my current relationship. people with ADHD do very well at the tasks they like doing and poorly at the tasks they don't like doing. I characterized myself as having a T-1 personality to conflict, but I am functioning at maintaining a T-0 level. I now acknowledge the love of my life and her three daughters and my two as well. Five daughters and a loving and caring mom who is acknowledged daily by her ADHD boyfriend. This may sound very sweet but I have either the gift of seeing potential conflict before it happens to exceed T-0 status ( T referring to trauma) or I am creating conflict subconsciously  to justify my logic. I sat down with my girlfriend and our five girls and I basically told them that their feelings were more important to me than my own, when we decided to live together. I feel that I am alienating my girlfriends emotions when I speak to one of her daughters who just had an argument with her mom. I basically tell her children and mine that they have a right to be upset and that it's ok to feel that way. For me, when someone is upset it means they have strong feelings for something they feel is very important to them. When my girlfriend is crying, I just hold her close and say nothing. I understand how therapeutic listening can be without offering advice or opinions. I feel as if I am being stretched in six directions. The women in my life don't argue that much but I just feel overwhelmed.

         My girlfriend left an abusive husband and she stole my heart when she unloaded her emotions onto me when we first met. I was gobbed smacked. (surprised) We had not introduced ourselves yet, and she was unloading emotionally, I just sat and listened to everything she needed to say and said nothing. I am far from perfect but I feel that I need to be, for her sake and the sake of her children. Her Ex sees their three girls and when they leave their mom just cries and I am there for her. When her angels return home, they cry because of the psychological abuse their father is so generous to share. I never speak despairingly about him in front of my girlfriend or our children. I don't know what else I could be doing, I just feel that I am not doing enough.

  • New member- girl (23) and my ADHD boyfriend (28) by: fashionista 11 years 5 months ago

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  • New here, at a loss... by: Mrscakes 11 years 5 months ago

    Hi, fairly new here.  I recently rediscovered this site in an attempt to figure out what is going on with my marriage.

    My husband and I have been together for 9 years now, married for 6.  When we were dating he told me that he was diagnosed ADHD as a child, but I never thought anything of it. I was pretty young when we met (I 20, he 30), and never had any experience with ADHD other than knowing that kids were sometimes prescribed Ritalin for it.  Things were pretty good for quite a few years.  We hardly ever fought, I was the organizational person and loved planning trips, etc. and liked that he brought the spontaneous side out in me.  Shortly after we got married, things started to change slowly, then drastically when he decided to go back to school to change careers about a year into our marriage.  He would get so stressed out about school, to the point where he quit his job because he "couldn't" work while also going to school.  This stress would come out in the form of yelling, picking fights, and just generally being rude to me.  I couldn't understand why he was being like this especially since I was able to work full time and go to school full time while we were dating without blowing up in his face every day.  Things have just continued to get worse from there, and it's been almost 5 years since he started school now.  We have been through a lot in the last 5 years:  bankruptcy (my first, his 2nd from a previous marriage), living with family due to financial hardship (not great for even the best of marriages), unemployment, the start and dissolution of a business, pregnancy 

  • Attention Deficit by: jennalemon 11 years 5 months ago

    I am reading "To Love and be Loved" by Sam Keen.  He says: "Once our attention is captured, a love story develops only if we escalate the contact by a decision to pay attention... The decision to pay attention to someone is the first act of self-limitation, the first sacrifice, the first gift we make in the name of love."

    Dh does not look at me or respond with anything other than a "yup" or a "nope" to my queries.  He does not acknowledge me when I walk into the room.  He does not say goodbye or hello.  Neither do I anymore.  It hurts too much to be the only one trying to communicate and be a family.  I am lonely.  He does not support us.  He has chosen a life of marital "ignorance" (ignoring) rather than work or grow for love or family. 

    "The price of lasting love is continuing to pay attention to a person, a place, or a work that has become familiar. Paying attention is the bedrock opposite of taking for granted, which is a major cause of death of long relationships."

    LOVE=ATTENTION

    To those of you young and in-love people.  Know that we were young and in love once...but the "in love" needs to be maintained with effort and willingness on BOTH sides.  You can't MAKE someone love you no matter how cute and wonderful you are....it has to come from something...a wiliingness to put in effort...within BOTH of you to make a long lasting love story. One person can't make a relationship....

    If he is not TRYING now.  It will not magically get better no matter how much YOU try.

  • New to this site and need advice by: slettums 11 years 5 months ago

    It has taken me 25 years of marriage to realize the impact my husband's ADHD is having on our marriage.  He is aware that he has ADHD but thinks most of our issues are my fault.  Went to counseling last summer: didn't help at all.  I am overwhelmed, angry, sad, and actually mourning what I thought my marriage should be.  I have no feelings left for him.  I am choosing to stay because of my kids.  I have decided what is best for them is more important than what my needs might be.  I need advice on how to let go of the anger.  I feel that his ADHD is an excuse sometimes for behavior that I see as selfish and irresponsible.  I have managed our finances all these years including trying to figure out how to get through the rough patches.....all by myself.  I make 3x as much as he does and took on another job to help us get out of credit card debt.  He took no responsibility for his half of our debt and is quite content to have me pay it all off myself.  I separated our finances six months ago because he would just spend money and keep asking me constantly for more money.  He has no concept of the difference between a NEED and a WANT.  Today I found out he has messed up all his bills (the few that I gave him) and has got himself $1000 behind in bills.  To top it off, he is mad at me about it.  Gives me the cold shoulder and is bitter and angry towards me.  His mood swings about due me in.  He is so careful in public to be this great guy but saves all the negative stuff for me.  He has been on multiple meds in the past and Adderall just makes him angry and mean.  I feel like some of his irritability is a choice because how can he be so nice in public and then snarl at me two minutes later.  I need advice on how to handle these mood changes and how to let him fall on his face with his finances and not feel guilty. 

    catscats

  • For the Birds by: I'm So Exhausted 11 years 5 months ago

    I fed the birds this morning.  Filled the suet holders, checked the humming bird nectar levels, filled the cup with grape jelly for the orioles, put seed in the main feeder.

    Then my spouse went and refilled the main feeder.

    When I asked him, "Didn't you see that I already filled the bird-feeders?"  

    He said, "There wasn't enough seed in the bird-feeder."

    If I do a job, I don't like it when he follows up and 'adjusts' what I did.  It was filling up a bird-feeder for cripes sake!

    I asked him if realized he almost always goes over EVERYHTHING I do.  I said after 20+ years, it drives me crazy. It makes me feel like he doesn;t think I do things correctly.  Ugh.  He micro-manages/controls everything.

    He went on his usual verbage tirade, telling me how I was wrong, my feeling were wrong, and what does it matter if he adds a bit more seed to the feeder.

    I asked him if he can just acknowledge my feelings, and say he was sorry.

    He said, "Ok. I can say I am sorry, even though there is nothing for me to be sorry for."  

    It is so much work to deal with all this mind strangling things.

    The value of a relationship is determined by how it fills the needs of both parties. 

    My feelings are stomped on, ignored and devalued.

    Blech.

     

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