Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Long Distance, Long Term, ADHD by: jfaire 11 years 4 months ago

    Hello all, 

    I have been having a very difficult time. I have been with my partner for just over 4.5 years at this point. For the first 3.5 years, we had a very challenging and tumultuous, but a very rewarding relationship. Just this past August, however, he got a new job offer across the country, so we had to do long distance for the first time in our relationship. The long distance has been ridiculously hard, and with the exception of the first two months or so, when he missed me very much, it has felt like I have been doing all the work to make sure that we stay in communication, keep in touch, and make plans to see each other. By November/December, things got really bad--he didn't plan ahead to visit me in November, and I began to get very angry with him. He had promised to visit my family for the holidays, which he forgot about, and it wasn't until I put more pressure on him to make plans that he finally decided to come. We had a wonderful time, and it's like he remembered what it was like to be together once we were together again.

    Come New Years, I told him how difficult long distance was, how being able to see each other was the most important thing, and that we shouldn't ever go more than 6 weeks without seeing each other. We thus decided we'd see each other around Valentine's day. He didn't make any plans, of course, and I ended up making plans for us to meet up. We did, and it was a wonderful Valentine's day--and it was like he remembered all over again how good it was to be together. At this point, I began losing faith that he'd remember how good we had it the more we spent time apart. I had to go abroad for research, and early April, which was my birthday, he was supposed to visit me to see me before I left for 3 months. He didn't make plans until the day before my birthday when tickets were too expensive. He wasn't able to come, and I had to leave the country just a few days later. 

    A week or so later he got his dream job, and I was very happy for him, but the past few months have been terrible for me. I have been so angry, frustrated, and depressed with him, for (what looked like) his lack of effort in keeping in touch, for not caring enough, for not realizing what he needed to do on his end to meet me half way and keep what I believed to be a valuable long-term relationship going. He tried to do what he could to stay in touch, but things then got really busy, we got into a fight when he blew up over a moment of insecurity on my part and my needing reassurance from him (long distance has been very hard for me and his blowing up at little things or if I asked for the wrong thing, etc., was a staple in the relationship), blamed me for "repeating the pattern" of insecurity, and we stopped speaking. Since then, he would do little things to "keep in touch," but we haven't spoken for about a month now. 

    He used to tell me he loved me every day, even at points during long distance, but he hasn't at all. I tried asking him recently about it, and he couldn't tell me he loved me. He said he was still in a "position of solitude," and that he was dealing with a complex emotional state about us--combining, to use his words, love, but also nostalgia, introspection, and guilt about my suffering. In fact, at certain points, there were times that I think he wondered if we should end it because I wasn't happy.

    Just last week, I found out about adult ADHD and read up on it voraciously. I was stunned. Every single thing spoken exactly to every single issue that had come up in our relationship. All this to say, I realized that there is a chance that my partner has this, and it made me make sense of so much of what he had said--that he has "limited bandwidth" for being able to give attention to his dream job and attention to me, that he couldn't give me any of that attention, that this is large part because he's afraid because he doesn't want to screw up at this amazing job opportunity, his lack of being able to plan ANYTHING, his promises to keep in touch or to see me that were broken, his not being able to motivate himself to do anything about the fact that I was suffering more and more except shut down and feel like a failure. At this point, I have been working hard to give him space while changing my attitude--now that this is making a lot of sense, I am trying to understand more the situation he is in.

    I am still suffering a lot, and luckily I will be seeing him next week, but in the meantime I can't help but wonder if the relationship has been damaged. I wonder if he still loves me, or if it is possible for him to shut off emotions, which I have sometimes thought, or if it is just a matter of not being able to give it attention. I am less angry on the whole--there are still times that I get angry--and trying to come to terms with everything. I plan to talk to him about ADHD at some point when I see him (this is something he has joked about having in the past, although neither of us knew he might actually have it--he's also joked that maybe he's brain damaged, or missing a part of his brain), but only after we patch up where we are in the relationship at this point.

    I am trying to be strong and patient as I wait out the time I have left before I see him--we are still not talking--but I am wondering, for persons with ADHD out there, if the urge to break off a valuable relationship is strong when things get difficult like this, and where love fits into all of it. Namely, if, in the long-winded but still-not-quite-complete-enough situation I've presented, at this point I need to worry about whether he even still loves me at all, whether there is hope on his side and in the way that he thinks for this relationship to work. As upset, angry, frustrated, and depressed as I have been, I am still trying to hold out hope; especially after finding out about adult ADHD, I am trying to be more optimistic about things since it may be there is an explanation for all the misunderstandings. But I'm at a low point currently, and just wondering if there's any way to get the relationship back to where we were, or if at this point, in the way that he thinks, things are hopeless?

    Sorry for being so long-winded and not even knowing what I'm asking for. I guess I just want to know if there's hope, or whether he's lost his love for me, and whether that kind of emotional blocking can happen with ADHD at all, particularly with the added hurdle of long distance...

  • Set Them Free by: Leonardis 11 years 4 months ago

    Set them free to be themselves?  If it means being separated from someone you love, so be it?

    Easy for me to say, as my partnership with a person with ADHD ended years ago, and my hope for a deeper friendship with someone (else) with ADHD who I met less than two years ago seems less important over the time I have received no acknowledgement or affirmation. (Less than one week--do I still hold out hope or am I still a fool in middle age).

     L

  • A good sign by: Justwannagiveup 11 years 4 months ago

    We are taking the course offered rejoice the site right now and are currently packing for an 8 day trip to Florida. This evening hubby and I were talking about what to pack and all that, and he mentioned that he didn't want to take his mess for the week. I told him that I really need him to take his meds. I told him that if he can't take his meds, I'll have a hard time. I also expressed to him that dealin with his ADHD symptoms includes taking his medication too. We compromised and he is going to take his Adderall at noon and so it will wear off by the time the kids go to bed, instead of taking it first thing in the morning and then again to make it though the evening. I basically expressed to him that is equally important for him to take his meds for work as it is for his home life. He said okay. In the past, I've been irritated about him not wanting to take his meds when he's not working and at the time the level of respect in our marriage was at an all time low but now were working on it and I think he now understands how important it is for him to be treated properly. Hopefully he'll stick to it!

  • Porn and your Spouse by: logicalfather 11 years 4 months ago

    I have noticed a common theme while reading through many of these post.

    A) Men with "ADHD Characteristics" are drawn to technology (TV, Computers, PD's)

    B) Men with "ADHD Characteristics" tend to stay awake late at night, many post claim their spouse is on the computer "doing work."

    C) Many of these post talk about how the intimacy in the relationship is gone.

    D) Other problems persist because of the men being tired in the morning.

     

    I would argue that this is a growing problem for all marriages, not just "ADHD marriages," and ONE of the main culprits is pornography. There is actual neurological evidence for how pornography changes the chemistry of the brain and causes severe damage to relationships. I am curious to how many of the problems mentioned on this board stem directly from people's addiction to porn? Men can be very sneaky with their addictions and hide it well (using the "invisible" mode on browsers, hiding folders, renaming files, etc). I do know that the excuse, "I can't sleep, I'm going to go read the news on the computer, or do work until I get tired," is a guise for many with this addiction.

    The research on the harm of pornography does fit the description of many of the men described on this forum. I have seen where porn is discussed in other places on this site, and I would urge many of the unhappy spouses here to visit them. As for my intentions on posting in this resource section, I would have to say that Wired For Intimacy, by William Struthers is a good book for adults to read about how porn effects one's chemical makeup. It is a Christian book, even though i don't agree with his thoughts on the soul, but it is a good book for people of all beliefs.

    Women contribute to the American Porn Crisis as well, by endorsing such movies as Magic Mike and books like 50 Shades of Grey. I could get on a soapbox as a father of two daughters about this issue and ramble for days. This is an issue, along with my struggles in my marriage, that I address in my own ADHD testimony, so I am well aware how different the two worlds are, and am confident that all men can overcome all obstacles to have a happy marriage if they desire to do so.

    A marriage is much healthier when the spouses "only lust after each other." It's hard to achieve this in a pornographic society, but it is possible when the right motivation is found.

     

  • Need advice about new doctor... Melissa/anyone please help! by: ellamenno 11 years 4 months ago

    The doctor I had originally left for another job and I was transferred to another doctor in the same clinic. She seemed fine, although getting appointments has been difficult as she's only in the office Wednesday mornings and Friday afternoons, and she's always booked up. After many struggles with getting prescriptions on time/running out of meds due to the nature of taking a controlled substance and needing a paper prescription every month, she suggested I see a psychiatrist so that I could get better treatment because she doesn't know much about ADD. Great, I thought....

    So I found a doctor in-network that said she focused on ADD & learning disabilities in kids as well as adults and made an appointment and went to my primary care doctors office and filled out a form to have my records faxed to her.

    first appointment comes and the doctor spends the most of the appointment asking me about my insurance and records. I explain to her that i've filled out the forms and the woman I spoke to said she'd sent them the same day. She shuffled some papers in my folder and I THOUGHT she said she had them there.

    Today I arrive at my appointment and she insists she doesn't have my records and never got them. I told her she had them the last time we met - that I remember her looking at them. She told me I was imagining things and spent 20 minutes on the phone with my doctor's office, all the while asking me questions (ie; date of birth or address etc.) then shushing me when I answered because suddenly she needed to listen to the person on the phone.  I don't know about y'all, but I HATE it when someone shushes me, especially if they've JUST ASKED ME A QUESTION. Then after all of that, she tells me that the blood work i've had done isn't recent enough and I need to have it all done again and sent to her. so that wasted a total of 30 minutes.

    Then she asks me what dose I'm on. I tell her that I'm taking 50-60 mg daily, but recently just 40. (20 at 6am and 20 at 2pm). She already had this information from the last time, but either didn't write it down or didn't bother to look at her notes. She then looks at me and says, "That's crazy. There's no way you're taking 20 mg at 6am and another 20 at 2pm.... that's just crazy." There's a long silence because I'm confused. I don't know if she's accusing me of lying, telling me she thinks my doctor's prescribed too much or she's telling ME that I'M crazy.... Then, she says it again: "There's just NO WAY you're taking that much adderall and sleeping 6-7 hours a night." I don't know what to say, because I was feeling attacked and like many other ADDers when I feel attacked I get confused and I shut down and can't think of anything to say. Finally I just say something like, "I'm sorry... I don't understand... I don't know what to tell you and I don't understand what you're trying to say and I don't know why you don't believe me." And she just said, "well... I just think it's very unusual."

    So she tells me she wants to 'taper me off' the medication and she wants me to take one 30mg capsule per day in the morning and then eventually get me down to 20 mg. She says that nobody should take more than 20mg per day total. I know LOTS of people who take more than that and told her so... she dismissed that as people not going to good doctors who know what they're doing. I'm thinking suddenly that I just want to STOP taking medication altogether because i'm so damned sick of the expense and hassle of doctors and the shame of people thinking i'm on some joyride. I left and felt really stunned and confused and angry and I don't know what to do.

    Am I correct in thinking that after I've done the necessary paperwork to release my records that it is HER responsibility to follow up? I have NO WAY of knowing whether she's received them if she doesn't tell me. She had a month to tell me she hadn't received them and could have told me YESTERDAY - when she called to confirm the appointment - that she didn't have them. I have to say, the first appointment I got a bad feeling, but I tried to keep an open mind.... I thought her office (which is basically just her apartment) was grungy and that she looked kind of slovenly and unkempt herself. I didn't want to judge or let someone's appearance get in the way, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "Ok, if SHE'S a mess how the hell can she help ME??"

    So I was upset all evening and after the kids got to bed I told my husband about it and he was annoyed and thinks maybe I should find someone else. It's such a huge pain in the ass to start this process all over again that I thought maybe I could give it a try and just go once a month to get my script and get on with my life, but I know if I'm angry every time I see this woman, I can't open up to her and whatever 'therapy' she has to offer won't help.

    The kicker? when I got into bed, I was coughing and got up and went to the bathroom to take some Zyrtec. But, since i'm in such a befuddled/anxious/angry state, guess what I took instead???? That's right: 20 mg. of Adderall. I got back into bed and when I realized what i'd done, I sat up and exclaimed "&(^%$#!!! and DH asked what was wrong and I revealed Daily Stupid Thing Ellemenno Has Done #56. He told me to go make myself puke it up. Well, I have never tried to make myself puke before and I followed his instructions but could only get up a bit of crumbs from a cupcake i'd just eaten. I had to stop trying because it was just too painful & unpleasant. So I took a nap from midnight til 1:40am. and now here I am, with a bad stomachache & reflux searching the internet for answers...

    *sigh*

    Anyone out there either still awake or in Europe?? help? someone? should I take a tylenol pm?

    Ellamenno

     

  • Who in their right mind would want to be with me? by: RoadtoRecovery 11 years 4 months ago

    I was listening to an educational video today during my workout when the professor went over the Impact on Executive Functions on Adults with ADHD. This list took my breath away and made me wonder if I even have hope....

    1. Poor persistence towards tasks/goals
    2. Failing to plan ahead or anticipate future consequences
    3. Poor time management
    4. Poor emotional self control
    5. Impulsive decision making
    6. Disorganization
    7. Problems keeping promises and commitments to others
    8. Difficulty keeping track of several things at once and seeing them to completion
    9. Inability to stop an ongoing enjoyable activity to shift to a more important or urgent task
    10. Depending on others for maintaining order or direction
    11. Underachievement in school or work
    12. Loss of jobs/impaired performance
    13. Unsatisfactory relationships
    14. Poor driving
    15. Poor money management
    16. Trouble organizing household & raising children.

    I may not exhibit all of these traits but I've definitely been guilty of the majority of them. My wife has left me because of it. I have no family near me, no true friends to rely on near me. I have no luck finding a support group near me that doesn't interfere with work. I've tried to reach out to my counselor for some advice throughout the week via email since our meetings are only once a week. I'm having to adjust to medication that I'm not used to. The only thing that keeps me sane is my career, exercising, and trying to understand more about this damn disorder. I try to stay positive and hopeful but reading many negative posts and comments on these forums makes me loose hope.

  • help! i need to break this cycle! by: hentr 11 years 4 months ago

    Hello,

    I am a 48 year old man, and I have been dealing with a number of issues. Most of my issues relate to social anxiety disorder - and a fear of flying and traveling.

    However, I have developed what i believe to be a sexual addiction as well. That is what is threatening my marriage - and I want to end it so badly! But, I seem to be unable to push past certain feelings. It feels like something simply comes over me - and I'm a different person - not caring about what it will do to my marriage or my wife or child. I don't want to continue to do this, but I don't know how to stop the urges. I do use pornography on the internet and on TV. I thought I had things under control - as I have used pornography only for a while. In the past I would go out to strip clubs and spend money and get dances. I thought I had it under control - but last night - I had the urge - and I did it again. I also drank excessively and drove my car. My wife found out, and I know she's very hurt. My daughter doesn't really know what I did, but she knows my wife is very unhappy with me.

     

    I told my wife that I would move out, if that would help. She is worried about what that will do to our daughter, and so am I. I want so badly to stop this cycle of acting out - and hurting my wife, but I don't know if I have the tools to do it on my own. I know it's my fault, and I have to work hard to be a good person, but I really need help.

    Any advice?

    Thanks

  • How can I save my marriage? by: Ava 11 years 4 months ago

    I am hoping some of you can offer advice in what is a very dark time for me.

    Some background: I am an ADHD 33-year-old with no hyperactivity and many effective coping skills when it comes to organizing my professional and financial life. But my DH's frustration and hurt resulting from my distraction at home is endangering my marriage - very seriously. I desperately want to fix the ways in which I have hurt him and continue to ... but I am not aware of any tactics that can reverse my behavior. I'm hoping some of you can share the skills you apply at home.

    While I am able to keep my focus -- or at least hide my lapses -- during an evening out with a friend, I seem unable to do the same thing at home. When spending time with my husband there are times when he speaks to me and I don't respond. And, less frequently, there are times when I carry on a conversation but don't truly attend to it ... and then promptly forget it happened at all.

    DH is often fairly patient with me, but at times my distraction is deeply hurtful, especially if he is trying to tell me something important. He had circumstances in his childhood that meant he often wasn't heard or paid attention to at home, and I know my behavior shakes his sense of self-worth. Meanwhile, when we do fight, he often flies into a rage and yells a great deal, which leaves me more likely to withdraw than engage ... although I try to stay present with him. As our crisis has worsened, my sense of self-worth has been shaken as well.

    It is very painful that this is coming to a head right now, because we were just about to start trying to conceive. He is, I believe, wrestling with fears about whether I can be a good parent and whether he could ever get the attention he deserves with a child in the house. I have overall felt happy with him in the 12 years we've been together - and despite my fears had come to believe that if we loved our child a lot and did the best we could it would make up for our deficiencies. I never envisioned, not seriously, that we might not last.

    I wish I could promise him that things will improve, but I feel very unclear about how much of this is truly in my control. What steps can I take to be more present at home? At least for now, I am stopping drinking wine with dinner in an effort to keep more of my focus in the latter part of the evening. 

    I keep thinking that if he could truly feel that my distraction was unintentional then it would become an inconvenience rather than a deep blow. But he says that he no longer cares why it is happening, and all that matters that it is happening to begin with. In his mind, if there's any chance that he -- or our future child -- could say 'I really need your help' and not be heard, then there is no way to repair this. I believe that right now he's not willing to embark on approaches or solutions that require that he do much of the work.

    Thanks so much.

  • ***THE SLUG BOX*** THREAD drop off your slugs here by: copingSAH 11 years 4 months ago

    Some days we just are too tired to get into heavy discussion. This can be a way to just put out a one-liner when too tired of having or dealing with ADD/ADHD. Especially those days when the isolation of our thoughts need to let it go. Not really a discussion thread, just dropping in and dropping off a slug or two and feeling better after it's gone.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Here goes:

    I wish ADD/ADHD would just go to hell and die there.

    <admin: note this thread is now closed to commenting, at the request of the post author.  She requested that all new comments be posted on a continuation "thread" found here.>

     

     

  • Look in the Mirror Parents with ADHD Kids. by: logicalfather 11 years 5 months ago

    It's obvious to most that have ever met me that my brain works differently than others, and I've had a lot of the same struggles as many husbands described on this board. However, I got a unique view of ADHD because of my children showing the same characteristics. The only thing is that my children are adopted. It started when I had only one adopted child that I raised from birth, and then I came to even more of an understanding after adopting five more children from the foster system. 4 of those 5 children had "adhd characteristics" with one of them being highly medicated for it. 

    I soon realized that the problems with my marriage (that I blamed on my wife) and the ADHD characteristics my son showed were direct reflections of me as the head of the household. I could have ignorantly gone through life blaming my wife and accepting my children's diagnosis like so many men today that remain around, however, I was fortunate that the Adderall I ended up taking almost destroyed me, but the love from my first adopted son gave me the strength to "fix myself." 

    Now, with a family of 8, 5 of whom show ADHD characteristics, we should be chaotic. However, the exact opposite is true, we have a well disciplined and functioning family. My wife will be the first to admit, that no matter how strong she is (and she is), she did not have the ability to bring our family to where it is today by herself. It took me "fixing myself" and working hand in hand with my wife as strong leaders of our house to help our children overcome their adhd characteristics. 

    We are STRONG BELIEVERS that every child and every family is different, so we do know that what has worked for us, is not necessarily the answer for everyone. But I am posting the following because it did work for us, and there might be some parents out there who could read it and reflect on their own routines and priorities. 

    We believe that there are 7 characteristics that strong parents should exude, and we ask reflective questions constantly to make sure we are raising our children right. 

    1. Endure and Persevere – Do I overprotect my children? In what ways have I taught them to endure a hardship and persevere despite uncomfortable circumstances? Do I allow them to quit when the task gets tough? Do I bail them out at school or do I allow them to learn the tough lessons? Am I raising mentally strong children who will be up to life’s challenges long after I’m gone?

    2. Be Humble – Am I raising my children to be like the selfish athletes and actors on TV? Am I filling my children with so much false pride that they lack humility? What type of swimsuits do I allow my daughters to wear? Where do our children learn to be humble in our current self-gratification society?

    3. Avoid Selfish Ambition – I want my children to succeed, so how do I find the balance? Am I raising selfish children by spoiling them? How does our society contribute to our selfish nature? What type of parent or spouse will they grow into if I raise them to be selfish adults?

    4. Control your thoughts and actions – What messages are my children receiving each day from the TV, radio, peers, and adults? What images are their minds bombarded with? What are the lyrics to the songs they are memorizing? How can I expect my children to control their actions when I allow their thoughts to be attacked daily?We only listen to Christian music and we don't watch bad tv or movies. Google the word "illuminati" and do some research on the messages being sent out today. It's scary, and those messages are being internalized by our children. This change had a transformational effect on our family. Read about why Lebron James changed to the #6. Look at the symbolism in Rhianna videos, Beyonce and Jay-Z videos. If you haven't, you will be shocked. If kids are constantly inundating themselves with these messages, they will begin to act them out. 

    5. Control your tongue – How do I allow my children to speak to me, each other, their friends,teachers, and others? Do I allow my children to talk negatively about people? Do I allow them to disrespect me? What do I do when I get a note that my children are talking too much at school?

    6. Do not judge – How to I counteract our American Idol society and teach my children to not judge others? Do I judge others in front of them?

    7. Show Faith through Works – Do my children have chores? Do I hold them accountable? Are my children workers or takers? Am I teaching them a work ethic that will make them successful as adults? Am I teaching my children to take care of responsibilities so they will be good spouses one day?

     

    K.L. Jones author of Broke Down & Loved Up

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