Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Parenting versus me being just-darn-stubborn? by: I'm So Exhausted 11 years 5 months ago

    My ADHD spouse stated he needed to talk about a few very important matters - that can not wait until after our daughter's wedding in August..  I said let's pick a time that is not too early and not too late.  He said OK.  How about Saturday at 10 am.

    It is Saturday 10:12 am.  He is still sleeping.

    This is not our first  rodeo. . . .this is symbolic.  I call, remind, remind, remind, remind.    This meeting was his idea.  His request.  

    A perfect example of how my response to his negative ADHD brain behaviors cause me to cry in despair.

  • HELP...I am the non-ADD spouse and our marriage is on the rocks by: KarenCee 11 years 5 months ago

    A lot of the issues we have revolve around his ADD - Ritalin isn't working but right now it's the only thing we can afford, even with insurance the other meds are SO expensive!  Anyway, it has driven a huge wedge between us - I'm sure this issue isn't new to this forum.  I've not made the best decisions as a result of the frustration and stress from not knowing how to deal with his ADD.  I've even considered leaving but dammit, I love this man.  We separated a while back and I met someone else so that's been an issue too.  I don't want my marriage to end but I don't know how much more I can deal with and I don't want to be alone.  So, I've maintained contact with this guy...yes I know this doesn't help matters any...I know this.  I've promised not to but it seems that the more the ADD gets worse, the more contact with this guy increases.  I've deleted all ways of contact with him as of this morning and I am really going to try my hardest to figure out how to make my marriage work.  Working with kids who have AD/HD (ADD) is much easier than dealing with my husband.  I hate admitting any of this but I believe in being upfront if I want help or advice.  So, judge me if you want, but if you are living with an ADD spouse then maybe you can understand why things are as they are.  I'd much rather have my marriage in tact and the ADD in my husband controlled (it tends to raise his frustration level which leads to anger - at least he's not at the level he was when we separated) so we can be happy again.  I know he loves me, at least he says he does.  But because of my relationship issue, he doesn't feel that I am capable of changing either.  Sigh.  So...this is where I am this morning as I sit here typing this out and having my first cup of coffee.  I don't want to have an affair...I really want my marriage back.  But I am lonesome, frustrated, angry, and feeling lost right now. 

  • Why did I not see this sooner? by: I'm So Exhausted 11 years 5 months ago

    Why, oh why, oh why did I not see how disrespectful my ADHD spouse is towards me?  

    Why did I take all his crap as being in some place of wise authority over me?  

    I am literally, physically ill over this realization.

    Now to figure out how I need to respond/react to it. 

     

  • Cheating delusions by: awgordon123 11 years 5 months ago

    Hi there I have been recently diagnosed with adult adhd and am recently single :-( I was a controlling/possessive boyfriend due to the cheating delusions I was having is this a common thing for people with adhd? Just to clear things up my ex never gave me a reason to think that anything was or would ever happen it was just my thought processes it was like a living hell for the two of us. Now I have been diagnosed and awaiting my coarse of treatment will this improve? My psychiatrist has put me on a dose of Ritalin 10 short acting so he can see how I react to it, took my 1st tablet about an hour ago so wish me luck haha. He also said that my wondering mind maybe taking me to the place I fear most loosing my girlfriend (ex) so now that I have a coarse of action hopefully this will clear up and I can lead a normal life 

    thanks all your help is greatly appreciated 

  • Happy update on my ADHDer FH by: adhdfinance 11 years 5 months ago

    On one of my last posts, I spoke about issues with my fiance being able to save money. I am happy to report that after initiating the plan we call "operation save"  he is not only saving over  5x more than he was before, but during that time admitted that he does struggle with financial planning. (I needed to hear him say it, and not be all macho.) It was ridiculously funny (and i giggled none stop) when he said he saved x amount in 4 weeks. I am loving this. Apparently "operation save" in his words, is much easier than running around like a headless chicken at the end of every month.

    I cannot tell you guys (those who are engaged or married) how important it is for your significant other to seek treatment. It is also very important for you, the spouse of the person with ADHD to educate your self and accompany him/her on therapy sessions. Speak to the therapist. Ask for resources. Read a book or two.

    In all relationships it takes two people to make it work. If the ADHDer or the spouse refuses to make the relationship better than it is, sooner or later it will fall apart.

    Sending blessings and positive energy your way....

     

     

  • How Can I Be Heard? by: GoingThru 11 years 5 months ago

    My husband has ADHD. He is currently being treated (and has been for a couple of years). We have been married for 12 years. For several years now (ever since we had children), I have felt VERY alone and unsupported in the marriage. I work full-time, but feel that I do most if not all of the childcare and housework. Whenever I ask him for help, I feel like he agrees to be more helpful and support me in any way that he can, but I am always frustrated by what seems like a real lack of effort and follow through. He is works very hard, but seems distracted and withdrawn most of the time. He is often consumed by work or projects that interest him (like finding or fixing recreational gear and equipment).  I feel that the only way he helps me around the house or with the kids is if I give him specific "orders" and then pressure him to follow through or check in on him often, which puts me in the role of oppressive supervisor and constant nag. I hate it! However, if I simply ask for help or share that I feel overwhelmed and unsupported, he tells me that I'm being difficult or completely exaggerating things, being overcritical, or being totally unfair to him and he withdraws. He has told me that he thinks I have emotional issues because of the way I feel about the marriage (ie, that the fact that I feel alone and resent him is because I have psychological problems). He feels like I emotionally blackmail him to get what I want. In fear of driving him away or upsetting him, I end up doing the work myself and resenting him for not being more of a partner. I believe that he wants to help, but I feel so alone and don't know how to get him more involved in the home and family. Perhaps he doesn't want to help and I need to accept that? Does he just want to be left alone? Am I really alone in my marriage? Anyone else experience this?  

  • Not new to marriage with a person diagnosed with ADHD by: Leonardis 11 years 5 months ago

    Hello all and Thank You for what seems to be a very real discussion!

    I have read several posts by partners who seem completely exhausted by their marriages and I want to say that I have been there, too. However, I believe that there are degrees. In my case, I left a nine-year relationship (that I considered a marriage) because of issues that may not be attributable to my (then husband's) diagnosis of ADHD. He was diagnosed with ADHD when we had been together about 6 years. There are a lot of issues here that I have tried to deal with and most are outside of the scope of this forum.

    The more pressing issue for me is that I am currently in love with a man who has ADD. I had been celibate for about 8 years (for various reasons) when I met him and have met many attractive persons of both genders during that time (I am bisexual).

    This guy is so special. I can see us being together. He is on Adderall and also on Wellbutrin. He also takes a heart medication for (what he has been told) are the side effects of Adderall. His relationship history is complicated, but the mother of his daughter is in his life and I respect that. He does exhibit some symptoms of ADD, but they seem mild to me.

    He does not seem to have signs of hyperactivity. For example, people on the forum talk about "hyperfocus" during the courting stage. I have not experienced this with my friend. The physical intimacy is so relaxed. I feel more comfortable with him, sexually, than with any partner I have ever had.  I adore this man. I never thought I would care for anyone in this way, ever again.

    One complicating factor is that we are both members of the same profession and we met at work. I can't say I respect his reputation, although he means so much to me on a personal level. To be frank, I worry that he will loose his professional status and thus his ability to earn enough to support his daughter and his ex-wife. Perhaps that will have a minimal impact on me, financially, but the impact on our relationship could be huge if he looses his independence and his self-respect. 

     

                                        Thank You,

     

                                               Leonardis

     

  • Thank god for this forum. by: Justwannagiveup 11 years 5 months ago
    We're taking the home course right now on week 4. Haven't done all the homework and reading but just listening to the audio and talking is already helping a ton. My DH is the one with ADHD. We have 2 kids. I want to ask all the ADHDers out there, does the positive praise and encouragement actually help you all to do better? Sometimes it's hard for me to see changes in DH when I've noticed a good change or something we've been working on and he follows through. Just like remembering to give positive praise and reinforcement for children, sometimes it's hard not to focus on the negative and focus more on the good things. I just want to know that my encouragement and praise are actually helpful and will pay off. My DH wasn't diagnosed until he was 27 so I feel like his childhood was probably focused a lot on the things he wasn't doing right and he's always telling me about how he was threatened with sparkings almost every day. He tells me that he was chased around the house with a wooden spoon for misbehavior. We don't spank in our house and even though he doesn't understand why I'm so against it, he respects it. Sometimes I wonder if his reactions to our children are a result if how he was patented and less about the ADHD. He is pretty bad about noticing good behavior and being encouraging to our children. I feel like I'm constantly being a good example so He will notice and follow suit as well. Not only am I constantly being positive and encouraging to our kids, I am doing the same with him so he'll strive to do better too. It just feels like so much responsibility sometimes. I know when he notices things I'm doing well, or respecting him if he notices and thanks me it definitely helps me to do better in the future too. I just want to know that all this encouragement is actually working and will pay off. He's on Adderall and is finally taking it daily, even on the weekends which he used to not do, and is taking Omega Brite omega 3s, and we just started using the Cozi app which I am sort of in charge of keeping appointments organized and setting up calendar alerts to help keep things in the now for him. Overall things are much better than they were a year ago and I am out of my depressed funk, and the kids are more respectful to both of us. So definitely good changes happening, but I feel like the work will never be done!! :) anyone else? Also, we had a particular incident tonight that I want to get an opinion about. My husband and my mom and sister butt heads a lot. They have different political views, different religious views, and all three of them love to debate. He is good at getting a rise out of them. I don't think he really tries, he just has a hard time censoring himself. I don't necessarily agree or disagree with him or my sister and mom but I'm really good at agreeing to disagree and don't like debate, so when we're all together, you can imagine how stressful it is to hear my husband and sister and mom get into it. he usually says something that just goes a little too far, and then my mom and sister gasp in horror and say things like, "omg, if he was my husband we wouldn't be married very long.." Or (fake name=susan, derek's) lucky to have you. You put up with a lot of shit." Things like that. A lot of the things he says that get a rise out of them, I just brush off. I'm pretty easy going and whatever so he's he is lucky to have me, but at the same time, it bothers me that my family gets so irritated with him. My mom is very opinionated, and so is my sister and sometimes even they butt heads with each other. Tonight, DH said to our daughter that she could have dessert after only eating bread for dinner. I was like, no she has to have some more veggies and meat first. He was like, "daddy will give you dessert!" My response was "oh funny ha ha," because I knew he was joking. He knows that ultimately I would make the decision on when they got dessert based on how much dinner they had but just blurted it out to be funny, and I know this so it didn't bother me. My mom and sister gasped in horror and that's when my sister was like, "seriously!? If(her DH) ever said that to our kids, we wouldn't be married long!!" My inner thoughts were, "hmm really? That situation is all it would take for you to want a divorce?" Wow. Anyway, all I said was, "she will eat more food before she gets dessert." I didn't react too much and just moved on. And of course later DH got her to eat more chicken but she never ate her green beans and I told her no dessert. Of course DH did not try and give her dessert, just as I thought because I know he knows I'm right and respects me. They were just so offended by his remark where as I was just able to brush it off. Should I have said something to him or is this not as big of a deal as my mom and sister were making it out to be. I do value their opinions and thoughts but I try not to let their very opinionated selves interfere with my marriage and parent relationship. Thoughts? Their husbands( my dad and BIL) are very much like me, we have a very similar laid back, go with the flow, live and let live personalities. This is why it's so humorous though because I think the reason they all butt heads is because they are a lot alike in that they are all opinionated!! Kinda makes me laugh now. DH has told me before that he doesn't really enjoy spending time with my mom and sister because he feels like he constantly has to censor himself so he doesn't say something stupid and upset me, he knows that it makes me uncomfortable when he gets into it with them , so he'd rather just not be around them. What should I do about that? I don't love being around certain people in his family but I do it because its much easier for me to just live and let live and accept people for who they are, whether we agree on things or not. We basically see each others families for special occasions but I hang out with my family a lot more than that. We spend time with his family for special occasions and that's it too unless I'm getting the kids together with the grandparents. So we both have our issues with each others families and have our own limits and I'm okay with that. I had mentioned the other day about inviting my sister and her husband with us for a wine tasting for my birthday and he told me he would prefer we not go with my sister because they butt heads and he wouldn't be able to relax be sue he would be afraid of saying something stupid the whole time and he wouldn't be able to enjoy himself but he said that if I really want to go with them then that's fine, he just wanted to be honest with me about how he felt about it. Of course I want us both to have fun so I'm thinking about some of our other friends who enjoy wine to come with us now. And I'm okay with that. I know not every spouse would but I am. Thoughts??
  • Today's ADHD moment is brought to by-Me, My, Our and We by: esmeralda 11 years 5 months ago
    DH with undiagnosed ADHD has a bad habit of listening to everything I say to people, especially on the phone when all he can hear is me not the other person and then he tries to have a dissertation over the exact words that I use. He gets very upset of I use the word me or my when we talk about things like the house, the car, the business etc. Half the time, I am not even awake or paying attention. Like if the other person asks me "How do you drive to work." I might say a variety of things. "I drive my car." or I drive the car" or "I drive our car" DH has no idea what we are talking about but feels that I am rude if I don't always say our or we. If the person had asked. "How do you and your husband drive to work." I would said "We drive our car" (we work together) but if the person asks me a YOU question singular, then I am bound to answer in the singular first person me or my. That is how conversation works. I mean do I have to mind my P and q's every single waking moment? WHO CARES. He wants to be able to tell me every time something bothers him that I say or do , because according to him that is a good marriage. Um, no. Having a filter and knowing when to pick your battles is having a good marriage. I can't even be in the doorway of a room when he is talking on the phone because I am "distracting" but he CONSTANTLY eavesdrops on my conversations and then wants to pick a fight about it. Drives me nuts. If I was tell him every single time that I am bothered by him telling lies and jokes at my expense, we would be fighting all of the time. So this escalated into DH claiming that I tell my family that he doesn't work, which is a lie because he WORKS all of the time. Then how well even if you don't tell them that, that is what the think, which they don't. How does he know what they think? They have never spoken to him about it. They know we run our own business which is a ton of work and both work really hard. They know that. So then it goes into well then your family thinks you do all of the work and I just sit there. Really? Where did he get that? Oh my!
  • Having guilt all day long. by: QD-PRN 11 years 5 months ago
    Last Friday, our youngest wanted to have a friend spend the night. My girlfriend suggested a slumber party. Each child invites a friend for the slumber party. We have five girls between us, and that meant 10 girls ranging from ages 7 to 10 having a slumber party. I did not object. I decided to take the day off work and clean the house, do laundry and the shopping; I did not inform my girlfriend that I decided to take the day off. I also made preparations for their slumber party while having our five girls all day. I picked up three of the five girls before leaving to see a friend. I can’t stand clutter or a lot of noise. I just get knackered (exhausted). My girlfriend did not mind that I left, but I felt guilty, and was only gone for two hours. I Have yet to speak with her regarding my guilt.. I feel as though I am missing the most precious moments at home. I never used to be like this. My girlfriend does not have ADHD, I do. I love to help out but only in a way that suits my ADHD. For example, my girlfriend will load up the laundry machine with a mix of all of our cloths, after she separates colours from whites. I on the other had will get Knackered and withdraw if I had to do it that way. I separate the colours from the whites as well, but I wash one persons clothing, fold and put them away before moving on to the next child's clothing. This drove my ex wife crazy but my girlfriend told me that it might be a bit inefficient but at least she does not have to do the laundry or plead with me to do it.

Pages