Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Depression and Sadness by: I'm So Exhausted 11 years 5 months ago

    Guilt is hard for me to deal with. 

    I can change how I do things: start again to mother my ADHD spouse, yield to his demands, and revert to my old behaviors knowing full well the result will be  peace in the kingdom for him.  But the cost to me?  Oiy.  It will look good from the outside.  Unfortunately, the princess will then be sad. I just cannot do it.

    I see him getting sadder and sadder.  Today's intense course of the blues was predicated by our discussion yesterday. I acknowledged to him that I indeed see he is trying extremely hard.  I also broached the subject of what he shared with me fom his last call to his ADHD coach: her being very empathetic that 'he had a wife who would not enter into counseling with him.'   I asked if he mentioned to her that I have tried at least 10 different types of marriage counseling with him, each in eager hope that "this is the one that will help us,"   only to be disappointed yet again.  He admitted he did not mention our previous counseling.  

    I am at a loss of how to deal with his depression.

    The thing that got the whole l-o-n-g drawn out discussion rolling?  I asked him if we can try to approach the holidays from a different perspective.  I asked if he would tell me - right up front - what he wanted to do for the holiday - like the approaching Memorial Day.  I had indicated to him, if I knew what he wanted to do, then I could plan my own day.   He usually stays home to 'work.'  We had previously got to the decision of what we wanted to do, on any specific holiday, after a back-and-forth drawn-out discussion where he asked me what I had planned, then he would tell me how much he has do, and he doesn't really feel like going to a parade, and maybe he will go to just the parade and come right home after etc., etc., etc.,.  Me, I like the holidays, and enjoy the picnics, and family gatherings, and festivals - all that sort of stuff. I used to just stay home with him, or spend time convincing him to come with me.  In the past few years, I chose to go enjoy the events without him.

    Then he deflected the conversation off into the 'lack of intimacy' in our marriage subject.   Oh, geez.  I regrettably spouted off that he was not the only one who was suffering from a lack of intimacy.  I told him it had been a very, long, cold 29 months for me, too.

    Last night when I got home, I could tell he had been crying.  His eyes were all swollen.  He talked in short, terse words.  Then went out to the RV.  Where he stayed all night.  He was gone to work before I got up.  I called to tell him some news, and he answered in short, one word answers.   I finally sent him a text and asked if something had transpired that I was unaware of.  His response: "Nothing more than my overwhelming sadness."  

    Oiy.  Oiy.  Oiy.  

  • How to cope with your ADHD boyfriend? by: biancaN1804 11 years 6 months ago

    So I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, I know it's short comparing to some of the other posts I've read... I just need some advice, support or something. We are both young adults, he still a student. I'm a junior accountant, so I cannot be forgetful, de-organized and I cannot afford to loose focus. He on the other hand, is forgetful, inconsiderate and just plain neverminded.

    When we started dating, he was everything I wanted, he couldn't stop texting me, flirting...I guess all guys do that in the beginning to win your heart..We always had so much fun and laughing together, talking about anything.. About 7 Months ago, I started to pick things up that really annoyed me or hurt me...for instance, he forgetting to reply to my texts, him not calling me, not planning anything special for us. I started to feel like, if I don't put in the effort to see him, that he's not even going to realize that we don't have plans, and then I feel it wouldn't even bother him if he sees me or not. What makes everything so much harder, we have a long distance relationship... not too much of a distance, we can easily see each other over weekends, and usually we do...but then I have to initiate the plans for us to see each other. 

    Recently I got so much more frustrated. I talked to him about how he makes me feel, that I don't feel loved, important enough for him, or even worth it for him to show that he cares. I've always believed in "actions speak louder than words" so now I love this guy, that really rarely shows me that he loves me. We had so many fights about this, that he should be more attentive and everything, then it would go great for a week, and then it's back to where we started... this also made me feel unimportant, because if someone loves you, and knows what hurts you, but keep on doing that, it's normal to feel like he doesn't care, right? 

    I love him with everything, that's why I have not given up on him and our relationship. I fought for it every chance I got, to show him how much I value our love, I did it out of love yes, but also hoping that he would follow my lead and do the same. Needless to say, I was disappointed, hurt and frustrated.

    He says he loves me, and I believe him, but it's getting harder for me to believe him, and this frustrates him, because he don't know why I'm doubting him, and I explained why, then he gets angry, and says maybe that's just the way he is. 

    Two days ago, we almost broke up, because I got angry again, because he always gets busy with something else while we were still chatting or so. It was almost as if he broke down, he told me that he has ADHD, and he can show me the doctor's letter, he had it since his childhood... He needs extra time for exams for example. I was shocked. He told me that he loves me, and only me, it's just so hard for him to show it because he don't know how, he has never been in a serious relationship before. He said he doesn't want anyone but me, and because of me, he is so much better than few years back. He really tries to be more attentive now. 

    So I know I have to have faith in him, believe that he loves me, because I have to admit, I started to be clingy, and fought so much with him, but he always came back, he never left me. That is a sign for me. When we are together, I cannot be happier, but during the week, when we can't see each other, it kills me. 

    I decided to not give up on him, this blog gave me hope. I love him too much. And I've come this far. And now I know I can help him and our relationship. It's not going to be easy, but I guess sometimes you love someone so much that you would do anything. I just need him to accept this disorder and to stop being afraid to open up about it.

    Any tips from you on here, I will appreciate it so very much!

  • Looking past the ADHD by: MikesYobo 11 years 6 months ago

    I posted on this site when I first stumbled onto it, and laid out my frustrations and anger about my husband. Since then I spend time looking at the posts from other people about their spouses and the frustrations that they go through. My husband and I spent time last night looking through the postings. and were sad for all of the people that post and seeing their crumbling relationships and marriages. I know that my husband has a lot of the traits of ADHD that most people post about, it's part of him. I knew he had ADHD when I met him, but I had no idea what it was about until a while into our relationship when the traits started to be noticeable to me. I accepted these things and knew that we could work with this and make our marriage and love strong. There are plenty of days I still get frustrated and resent the work I put into our marriage and how it feels like I do everything, and how lonely I can be, and how tired I can get. But then I always try to remember that it is not just be effected by his ADHD. No matter how hard he works and how much effort he puts into striving to do everything he needs to do, his ADHD always effects him. He cannot concentrate as much as he would like to, and he forgets a lot of things. He works hard to get past this, but it will never go away. He explains to me what it's like living with ADHD and what it's like having so much going on in his brain that he cannot process things because his brain feels like a tangled mess. It makes me sad for him. I get frustrated and so does he. He works hard to be the man he thinks I deserve and he still feels like he cannot live up to those standards and that upsets him.

    I do not look at my husband and see him as an ADHD spouse. I look at him and see this wonderful, caring, smart, loving man that I married. I see how he still looks at me, and the love he has for me in his eyes. I see all of the wonderful things that he does. I know that ADHD is a part of him. It always will be. Yes, I get frustrated a lot. I get mad and angry and resentful. I feel alone and unappreciated, but this is not our entire marriage. I am not one of those women who will sit back and deal with the frustrations and hope it goes away. I never have been like that. When something is bothering me I talk to him and I show him what is going on and why it's upsetting to me. Most of the time he doesn't even realize he was doing it. We then work together to try to make changes. I have seen other women on this site who are tired of constantly reminding and trying to get their ADHD spouse to remember things, and don't want a life like that. One thing I have learned that there are things that you can work on and change, but there are some things you just have to accept and work with. I know that even though my husband tries very hard to remember to do everything he needs to do, his ADHD gets in the way and he doesn't always remember. So I will email him, text him, call him, facebook him. I know that in other marriages the wives might not need to do this, but in my marriage, I do. I might have to work harder than some other wives I know to have my husband do the things he needs to do, or even to just pay attention to me. The thing I always remember though is that this is not him. My husband is not ADHD. My husband is my husband. He is the wonderful man I grew to love and still love more than anything. Our marriage may not be perfect, but we work with it. We can look back at all of the work we have put into our marriage and appreciate where we are now. We still dance in our bedroom with no music, we still hold hands, and kiss in public. We still get frustrated too. But when we put aside the frustrations and problems, we can see how much we love each other and how hard we will continue to work to make sure our marriage is always loving, romantic, and selfless.

     

  • Drinking by: troubledwife 11 years 6 months ago

    I am the wife of someone with ADD and anxiety.  Drinking alcohol seems to be the only time the ADD is "calmed."  However, to the extreme.  Anyone else struggling with this?

  • From here to There and Back again by: irrelephant 11 years 6 months ago

    I hate to say that It brings me some comfort to see that I'm not so abnormal in the patterns and situation that I'm in, but it sucks that so many marriages have to go thru this rollercoaster.

    I've been married to my ADHD husband for almost 12 years, we have 4 children (10 and under). For the past few years (since our 3rd child was born) things have been going thru cycles of falling apart and coming back together. The years leading up to the birth of our 3rd child I was the only one working, but about a month into my pregnancy he got a job and I have been a SAHM since.

    The thing that often throws things into more turmoil is the fact that I also have ADHD. The interesting thing is that my husband and I couldn't be more different. We both have hyperfocus and horrible memories, we both constantly lose things and are late to everything. But where he just avoids thinking about or taking on any responsibilities, I agonize and obsess and worry myself sick. I dont' know if it's a facet of being a woman or just dynamics of our relationship, but even though we struggle with a lot of the same things I somehow end up being the one that is left holding the bag. I know it's partly my own fault, I have enabled him to never take responsibility for anything and have bailed him out of messes time and time again.

    I feel like the fact that I have ADHD has made me put up with MORE from him, simply because I really DO understand a lot of where he's coming from. I mean how can I get pissed that he forgot (again) to take the garbage out, when I don't remember it half the time? How can I get mad at him for not getting the kids to school on time when I only get it accomplished 3/4 of the time?

    I wrote this in my journal a few nights ago, which pretty much sums up where I'm at right now:

    I don’t even want to write anything here, leaving something to confront myself with the reality of my situation. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong. The only thing I truly know is that I’m miserable. I feel alone all the time. I fear that my chance for a marriage that I dreamed of when I was a little girl is gone, never was even there. The hardest part is that I do love him. I love those glimpses of who he is and what we really have if you strip away all the other stuff. That is what keeps me holding on most of the time. The thought that, in the end, the person he is and the strength of our relationship will prevail and win over our circumstances.  But how long do I keep that hope alive? Cradled in the corner of my heart, protecting it from being snuffed out by all the turmoil and day to day strife. I feel like I’m suffocating slowly, but I don’t even realize it most of the time, because I’m so used to the constriction. It’s only when I can fleetingly remove myself from things and see a glimpse of what could be, what I long for, that the reality of my life settles on me like an anchor, pulling me under again. I honestly don’t know who I am anymore. Am I a nagging manipulative b***h? What of the myriad of things that I’ve become numb to hearing are true? I’m no saint, I play ½ the parts in this drama, and my issues aren’t easy to deal with either.


    My heart literally aches when I think about the possibility and suspicion that I have that if I am ever going to be happy I will either have to leave this marriage, or resign myself to living with things as they are. I have to either abandon my dreams of our family, or live the rest of my life as an overstressed, lonely, anxious person. What other options do I have? Is it really all in my head? Could I truly be fine in this situation if I could just see it differently? Part of me says I just need to get over it, live with the the situation, I’ve made my bed, now I have to lie in it. If for nothing else but because my kids deserve a family.


    How the hell do you give up the idea of a partnership? How do you live with and resign yourself to the idea that you will never have another person to rely on and team up with? Is the ache in my chest because I don’t want to realize that in the end I will truly be alone? Is that what I’m so scared of? At least limping along in our situation gives me a semblance of having someone. There are times I can forget the ridiculousness of our relationship, for a moment, and pretend that I really do have a partner/lover/friend. But can I truly honestly live on those times? For the rest of my life? Can I lie to myself for the next 30 years about what I really need/want?


    Why is it that I can’t stand up for myself? When did I become this weak person who caters to and appeases someone who ,half the time, doesn’t give a crap about me? If I heard another woman say that she puts up with the things I let slide I would judge her for staying in that situation, and teaching her children that it was okay. Yet I’m still here. There is no bottom line, rock bottom, line in the sand. It’s been written over, passed by, rubbed out too many times.


    Even as I write this my brain is racing to find that one last shred of hope that there is something we haven’t tried, someone we could see, some place to take things. But if I’m honest with myself, I think I’ve lost the ability to believe that any counseling, book, plan or whatever is really going to fix things. To fix our marriage/family, there would have to be a total upheaval of the roles/responsibilities/attitudes for both of us, and I don’t know if that’s even possible.


    What do I really want? Is the things I need/want unreasonable? Someone who does not take any and every chance they can get to leave, either physically or emotionally, leaving me with the burden of raising our children and running our household. Not a perfect person, not someone who does everything for m e, not someone who gets it all right every time. I just want someone who is THERE. Not leaving to take a “nap”, staying up all night doing God knows what, then being too exhausted to do anything gbut drag himself out of bed and go to work.

    ...........................................................................................................................

    I don't expect him to fix everything, but what I'm so tired of is the lonliness and pressure of being a single parent while still having to keep up the facade that things are happy and okay. I do the work of a single parent, I take care of all of the household responsibilities with 4 kids, AND go to school full time. My husband goes to work (I am thankful for that, don't get me wrong), comes home and plays a videogame from 10pm till 4-5am, goes to sleep till he has to get up for his work shift, then is gone. On his days off he sleeps till whenever (he's still asleep on the couch right now), then plays his game/etc until I wrench him away from it to interact with the kids for a few hours. Then as soon as they're in bed it's off to whatever he was/is doing again.

    Yesterday evening before he got home from work I got on the computer to check bank stuff, and found 4 charges from that day that I couldn't figure out what they were from. I hadn't done them, and he was supposedly at work, so I thought someone had stolen the card? He comes walking in the house at the normal time he gets home from work, still in his work clothes, and I ask, how was work? He says "Fine." I say, "did you go to work"? He sheepishly admits that he had a furlough day (he works a state job and they have mandatory furlough days), so instead of coming home he decided to go spend about $100 on random fishing supplies and have a fun day fishing. Honestly, if he had said something to me about it, I probably would have been fine with it, but doing it in a sneaky way just rubs me the wrong way.

    At the point we're at now, we've gone to 3 different marriage counselors, he is on meds, I don't know what else to do. It's NOT that he doesn't try, Lord knows that if trying got you a medal he'd win the Olympics! It's the same old story of one step forward, 2 steps back. He INTENDS to do things or fix something or call and make an appointment, but somehow it never happens and if I want it done I end up doing it. I have been the driving force in all the counseling/meds/etc, and half the time he makes a fuss about it, but I've endured because I just want something to work.

    I feel like I don't have a CLUE how marriage is supposed to work. I've only been married to him, and our marriage has been so lopsided in terms of responsibilities that I have no idea what it should look like. I only look at my parents and my friends' marriage and see how totally different it is and find myself jealous that I don't have a partner in things.

    I've been comforted by reading some of the posts here, but on the other hand I'm finding myself a bit desperate because it seems like it may be inevitable that this is what life will be like (to some degree) forever.

    I love my husband dearly, he is my best friend, but I now know why people say you can Love someone and still not be able to live with them. I'm scared that I'm getting to that point. What do you do when you can't think of anything else?? I have given ultimatums more times than I can count and he will shape up and follow along for awhile, but inevitably he will fall back into the same pattern and I'm left back where we started, frustrated and even more alone.

    I think if it was just me, without the kids, I would leave and be separated for awhile, we have even discussed separation quite a few times, but I don't want to do that to our kids unless it's a last resort. I'm desperately trying to think of something else to try.

    If you made it thru reading this, congrats. I don't know if there is any answers, I just wanted to post and get it out there somewhere instead of stewing over things like I usually do.

     

  • ADD and long term love committment by: jennalemon 11 years 6 months ago

    When I ask dh what love is to him, he said that "Love is when he feels pleasure, a feeling inside that makes him smile."  So he loves his beer, his tobacco, his games, his winning, his erections.  He loves his sons only when they give HIM pleasure.  He loves me ONLY when I give him pleasure.  He puts his focus and energies and resources toward THOSE things that will make HIM smile.  He does not need to DO ANYTHING for the people he expects to love him. People who love him need to give him pleasure for him to feel love (pleasure). Because love, to him, is a feeling...no motivation to DO anything....just feel it.  He thinks he is loving and generous because he smiles a lot and tells jokes.  The conceit of this is lost on him. This type of one-sidedness of LOVE is what leaves us needy and feeling betrayed. 

    The romanticizing of love (this pleasurable feeling of physical attraction) is for for teenagers and is called just that - attraction. Romantic love is not an example for a mature husband and father who loves his family.  Growing up means you have a more mature sense of what real love is.....it is providing safety, a home, an accepting place to BE for ANOTHER person, opportunities for growth and thriving for your loved ones benefits, being able to be depended on.

    It is sad to us non ADDers that there must be a threat to your own selves before you feel an inspiration to contribute to the success of your family.  In MY mind, love is the action of putting yourself out (even though it may be uncomfortable or difficult or boring) for another or a thing because you want that other person or thing to BE WELL and to grow and thrive with you.  This is LOVING life and FAMILY more than you love your distractions FROM life and family.  

    Can an ADD person maintain love and caring for longer than a few years at best?  A person I know with ADD tells me she knows she could not maintain a long term relationship because she gets bored and distracted. She accepts this as a reality.  I think this is being very honest.  If this is fact for ADD, this fact should be shared to the public as a whole so that neither the ADDer nor an unsuspecting spouse needs to live a lifetime of frustration.

  • things were going ok until,,the lies starting taking over... by: lovehurtsalotwi... 11 years 6 months ago

    I have not come on for sometime b/c my computer crashed and just started back working.Anyways,from my last forum till now,I have not follow through with my separation with my ADHD spouse.He on the other hand have been doing very well up until he lost his job a couple months ago b/c he cold not stop bad talking the boss man and cursing on the job site, then he landed in heavy financial difficulties,after that was pure chaos,he started gambling more heavier than usual with little to no money he barely had trying to make up rent with the casino money which he never b/c he always broke even or lost it all, then he was very distant from me and on and on.He did odd jobs for quit some time,barely bought food,essentials and the likes.I had to for fit all the food bills and he struggled to pay rent and we were headed for a separation b/c of all the financial chaos,and then of course,mood swings,depression,anxiety,and I had to deal with all of his disorders..

    The gambling was becoming a BIG problem when he started dragging me along side him and then we were both headed down that dead end.I put my foot down and told him this has to stop.He/we need to go together and buy food and stop this gambling.It stopped for a month or so,then his jobs got better and better.Now he is making thousands in a week the money is flowing from every direction,he even got a cheaper place where the rent is not as high,same building just smaller but much more nicer,better view and more convenient close to wash area.Then the gambling starts back but this time he starts to lie about it.I caught him tonight lying to me to my face.When I confronted him he said"well i am not sure if I am going yet"but then why all dressed up?..he knows that it would up set me to know he started back the gambling and I told him it has to stop or be managed.

    I don't know what to do again about this,he was listening to me and doing very well,he even stopped the porn and I know for sure b/c I have been looking in to all of this.I noticed one great but annoying quality in him,he would listen to me b/c he knows what is right from wrong and he would stop all the things to try and be a better man,but then as soon as he thinks we are ok,or his financial burdens are no more,he falls back from where he was before,now this makes mw wonder would he start back the porn now? I don't think he wants to up set me after how he worked so hard to control these habits and to be a better human and husband,but then why fall in to these old habits and not sticking to his word.He even started treating me better,not cursing me no more,not getting involve with my kids and my private situations,leaving me to work and not mingling in my business,I mean he turned from monster to almost I can't live with out you in a month,then this have me worried...what should I do? should I put my foot down again,especially about the lying,I know I can't stop a big man from doing this all at once,but it's the lying I can't deal with.

    lovehurts.

     

     

     

     

     

  • My Story by: Inattentivemom 11 years 6 months ago

    Hi everyone,

    I am new to this forum and glad to have found a place where I am among those just like me. I am an ADHD newly diagnosed adult. I am 25 years old and have always been considered "scatterbrained" but I was very smart and had no trouble what so ever in school, college, getting my B.A., Masters degree in OT. I am a very motivated person and I am lucky that my book smart genes compensated for my ADHD. I am married now for 4.5 years and this is why I self-diagnosed myself. I was expecting my second child and was working at my first job, post OT degree. The job was very stressful and I had a lot of anxiety. Turns out I was diagnosed with GAD, peripartum onset. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression as well. These are issues that I struggle with regularly, but when I found myself a very good psychiatrist finally six months ago, I told him my concerns and he confirmed my suspicions that I have ADHD. My father was never diagnosed but definitely has it; my fifteen year old sister is on stratera now- not sure if she ever got an official diagnosis either, my whole family is very smart so many people have told us that we can't have it if we do well in school. This is not true. My oldest sister definitely has ADHD as well. We all have ADHD, inattentive type. So all of my inattention traits of ADHD have really started getting in the way of having a happy marriage. I have been in marriage counseling for two years with no luck. We actually just switched therapists and she suggested that my husband learn more about ADHD so he can understand me. I decided that maybe I should learn about ADHD more as well and see what I can do for myself. I bought four books and one of them was- The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa. I am still in middle of reading it, as I am sure  you can all relate, it is hard to get myself to sit down and read it- but it brought me to this website.

    I did have an ephiphany though two days ago while reading the book. The first part of the book discusses different pattterns in ADHD marriages. I read the whole chapter and noticed how many of the things were true for us. As I read though, I began to notice that I took both roles as both the ADHD spouse and the non-ADHD spouse. My husband had ADHD, hyperactive type as a child, and he has dyslexia as well. He in his mind overcame is ADHD and he thinks it is a non-issue. However, as I read the book I had an AHA moment- my husband still had ADHD as a very current and real problem. The entire management of the house, taking care of my two kids, it all falls on me. And he complains to the marriage counselor how he does everything at home, when in fact, I am the one who gets it all done. Now being that I have ADHD, it is really difficult for me, and he gets very upset and he is also a perfectionist, so nothing I ever do is good enough, but to make matters worse, he also had ADHD and does not pitch in at all with chores, does hyperfocus- with reading, "parents" me all the time and micromanages my life, shifts all blame to me, and nags me all the time. Now I am not completely innocent here, and I definitely have resentment towards him for not helping out more at home, but I also have very poor organizational and time management skills which makes taking care of the house very hard for me. So why am I writing this all in here? I want to share my story and keep everyone updated on my progress. I feel like just finding this website and learning more about ADHD and how I can best manage everything is progress already. I am going to see the marriage counselor this Thursday to tell him about my husband and his ADHD and its impact on our marriage and I will see what happens.

     

    I was just wondering if I was the only one who had this problem- I kinda got the worst of both worlds. Not only do I have ADHD, but I am married to ADHD who is in denial, has distorted view of reality, and treats me like I do everything wrong...

     

    Anyhow, I am glad to be on the road to recovery...

    Also how long does medication take to work???

    Looking forward to hearing from everyone!

  • losing interest in my relationship... by: Debidoo973 11 years 6 months ago

    His untreated ADD is causing me to feel very apathetic as to whether or not I spend time with him or I don't. I used to want to spend as much as time as we could together. But lately, the frustrations are so constant, I'm finding I just don't even care anymore if I hear from him or not. I'm wondering if our relationship is dying, actually.

    Yesterday was my son's 11th birthday. My boyfriend, Mark, had visitation with his own sons until 6. I'd told him the party started at 7. He didn't show up until almost 8. His reason? He was late bringing his sons back to their mother and also hadn't yet packed his bag yet to sleep over my house when he'd brought his own kids home, so he had to go back and pack and then come over. For crying out loud, he had ALL DAY to get a few things together. Didn't even have a present for my son.

    He started telling me about his own frustrating day with his own ADHD son (a common refrain, yet he won't put him on meds or take him to behavioral therapy).  How he tried for 2 hours to get the kid to do his homework and not until after he yelled real strongly at him did the boy listen to him and START to do it. Then the kid's cousin called to ask his son to go over and play, and even though the homework wasn't finished, he LET him! I don't know if Mark expects me to feel bad for him with his parenting struggles, but I don't. Quite frankly, I'm pretty tired of hearing about them, and that's mostly because Mark does nothing to CHANGE anything about it. I'm the most compassionate listener in the world if someone is truly having a hard time, and is trying everything they know to make things better. But by golly, to just complain over and over again while you ALLOW crap to go on is just something I cannot bear to listen to.

    He's telling me that his son ruined the plans he had to take both his boys fishing because he fought so long on working on his homework. But then he lets him go and PLAY before his homework is done? What the hell? In my humble opinion, being allowed to go and play AFTER your homework is done is a damn good motivator! I'm sure, and I mean SURE, he was late bringing his sons home because he had to come back and fight some more to get Ben to finish his schoolwork.

    I let Mark know that I do not want to live (eventually, if we were to marry like we intend to) with a child like that. What's of more concern to me is how his indulgent parenting style will affect our own relationship. My kids are difficult too, but I do set limits, and I do not stand for the type of behavior I see coming from his son. (Swearing at his father, punching his brother. Causing mayhem in the family or causing plans to be ruined because of his antics, etc.) I am worried about how this dynamic would affect us as a blended family...

    On another note, another thing that is causing me to lose interest is Mark's lack of communication. He is by nature a very quiet individual, but so often on the phone, there are these deafening, 10-second or so silences and they drive me crazy. If you don't have anything to say, then why did you call? I have a lot of things to do, I don't have time to hang around on the phone and listen to silence. Or when we're texting, he will just suddenly stop answering me. When I call to find out what happened, he picks right up the phone. I ask why he stopped texting and he says "i just wanted a break" or that he went and did such and such, but he doesn't bother to *communicate* any of that to me. I'm just left hanging. It's so dang frustrating! I can't read his mind. I just wish he would text "brb" or "ttyl" so that I know the conversation is over. But nope, he just stops answering me.

    There's more that I'm frustrated about but I'm not going to continue on this rant. I do love him but I am seriously considering whether or not I should stay in this frustrating relationship.

  • I'm a stay-at-home ADHD dad, and my wife is divorcing me. by: competentfake 11 years 6 months ago

    I'll do my best not to write a book here, but there's such a lot to be said.

    My (non-ADHD) wife and I have been married almost five years.  During the first few years, I was mostly unemployed, but my wife says she didn't mind supporting me because I was supporting her emotionally.  We had rough spots, but overally everything was okay.  15 months ago we had a son, and predictably, everything changed.  

    I am, admittedly, pretty screwed up.  I was diagnosed early, but that was back in the early 80's, so Ritalin was pretty much supposed to be the 'cure-all', and for me it very much wasn't.  I have a particularly debilitating case of ADHD; in every way ADHD can impair executive function, I am heavily impaired, so medication itself was never enough.  My family dynamic was way dysfunctional because of my unbalanced behavior, and when I graduated high-school, I set out in life,  and I succeeded in nothing.  I spent three years in technical college, excelling in classes I liked and failing classes I didn't, spent the next two years living at home, moved out with a girlfriend for another two years before she got tired of my crap and left, then moved back home, all the while getting fired from job after job, and each year it became harder and harder for me to make myself get back out there and try again.  At the age of 27, I was still living at home, and my life had become centered around doing as I liked with the minimum of hassle.  I was armed with a double handful of the worst defense mechanisms there are, designed to keep me nice and safe and complacent, living in the now, and they worked around the clock to prevent any thoughts that might disturb me from entering my consciousness, simultaneously keeping the ocean of guilt, shame, anger, and resentment bottled up where it couldn't bother me.    I truly believed that dependency was all I was fit for, and that none of it was my fault or my responsibility.  I steadfastly ignored reality, and I made a damn good go of ignoring the consequences of reality, knowing that no matter what happened, my parents would never put me out on my ass.  I took ADHD drugs every now and then, but never committed to a regimen for long.

    When my wife got pregnant, I panicked, because it was evident that I wouldn't be able to support the family, whereas my wife has a very good, stable job with a respectable salary.  The plan was always that I would stay home and take care of the baby, and she would work, which sounded okay so long as it was to happen sometime in the nebulous future, but the reality of the pregnancy lit a fire under me, and I immediately started looking for treatment options, because I didn't trust myself to be responsible enough to take care of an infant.  I found an ADHD-focused center, persuaded my parents to pay for it, and began seeing a therapist every week, and a psychiatrist every month.  For the first three months, my therapist worked wonders for me, and I managed to work through a great deal of my emotional hangups surrounding my childhood and how my family had dealt with my disorder.  The ocean of suppressed emotions finally began to subside, and I was finally in a good place to begin working on managing my ADHD...or so I thought.

    I kept on seeing the therapist every week for eight months after that, but I made very little measurable progress in my one and only responsibility: keeping the house clean.  Once the baby was born, I did a good enough job caring for him, but what little housework i was able to accomplish went right out the window, and my defense mechanisms kicked in whenever my wife would complain.

    Now, I have come to know my defense mechanisms, and how sneaky they are, but back then, I didn't realize the true depth and breadth of their influence on my behavior.  Whenever my wife would hassle me about something, they would kick in, unconsciously and automatically, and attempt to deflect responsibility, shift blame, and, failing everything else, they would provoke violent outbursts of temper (I never hit my wife or my child, but I've punched a fair few walls).  Failing all else, my defense mechanisms would tear open the floodgates keeping my suppressed emotions in check, reducing me to incoherent sobs.  In the moment, the emotions are very real to me, and when I'm trying to manipulate the conversation to shift blame to someone or something else, I really believe in what I'm saying.  It's only been recently that I've become aware of my defense mechanisms, and can realize when they have been triggered, and go back and say something like, "I'm so sorry, I didn't really mean any of that."  Alas, as all excuses do, that one wore thin.  Ah, I'm getting ahead of myself.

    As I was saying, I saw the therapist every week for about a year and a half, total, but she wasn't helping me learn new patterns of behavior, and she either hadn't identified my defense mechanisms, or didn't feel it was important to address them.  She was basically an expensive confidant, who took my money every week and listened to my troubles, and (it seems to me) helped me cram my head firmly up my own ass.  Finally my wife (who was paying for it now), put her foot down and said she wasn't going to pay for therapy anymore, because it obviously wasn't helping.  She said she wasn't happy, and that she needed me to make a real change, or she was going to have to take steps.

    That was a year ago.  I've tried various things to help me, but as long as I was given slack, I took it, as I always have.  For the last few months, whenever I would blow up at her, or try to manipulate her, she warned that those conversations were driving us further apart and ruining our marriage, but I was helpless to stop doing it.  I would resolve not to talk to her for the rest of the night after an argument, and an hour later, we were at it again.  So frustrating.  I wanted marriage counselling, but she's burned on therapy- she just doesn't believe it helps, and bitterly resents the thousands of dollars my parents and she had poured into it, with nothing to show for it.  I wanted a life coach, which I truly believe would have helped me, but she refused to throw good money after bad.  And all the time, my defense mechanisms were screaming at the top of my lungs that I shouldn't have to bear the responsibility for my actions.

    As I said, just in the last month or so, after studying the problem extensively, I have become aware of my defense mechanisms, where they came from, and what they're designed to do, and I finally understand WHY I can say, "I'm not talking to you anymore," to my wife, and 20 minutes later, still be wrangling with her.  More and more, I am able to recognize devious thoughts like, "But there's a reason I didn't do the dishes," and, "If only my wife would agree to be held accountable for holding me accountable for things I should be holding myself accountable for, everything would be alright!" and, "My wife should accept her part of the responsibility for me being the way I am, she let me get away with too much for too long for me to turn things around now!"

    Ack, I am writing a book.  I'll try to sum up.  

    A couple of weeks ago we took a vacation back home, and stayed with my parents.  Being back in that familiar environment does something to me, and I usually slip back into the old routine of avoiding reality, without really realizing what I'm doing.  A couple of days into the vacation, my mom brought it to my attention that since I'd been home, I had been neglectful of my duties as primary caregiver of my son, and had just assumed that everyone else would take care of him while I sat in the back room on the computer all day long.  That really pissed me off.  So the rest of the week, I committed myself to becoming a better father and husband.  I resisted the urge to ignore reality, and I think that I did a pretty good job of being a responsible, considerate adult.  I decided that as soon as we got home, I would find a part time job, to show my wife that I was ready to step up and make an effort to hold up my end of the relationship.

    Too little, too late.

    A week ago, my wife came to me and said that our relationship was over, and that she was tired of waiting for me to change.  She's giving me a little less than two months to find a job, and find a place to live- in the meantime she is assuming full custody of our son.  She wants me to be a part of his life, but she simply cannot cohabitate with me anymore.  For the first few days, I committed myself to using my newfound awareness to clean up the house and keep it that way, which I was able to do, with great difficulty, but now I see I was again simply ignoring reality.  My wife and I had a conversation two days ago, I tried to convince her to rethink her decision, but she was adamant, and after she went to bed, I realized that my damn defense mechanisms had once again undermined me, and had tried to manipulate the conversation.  I immediately apologized, and said I wouldn't try to change her mind again (I have done just that twice already, damn it).

    Now, I don't know what to do.  My inner demons are screaming at the top of their lungs that there's no way I should be expected to suddenly succeed in becoming independent after a lifetime of dependency, that my wife is responsible for enabling me to be an adult child, just as my mother had done before her, and she has no right to put me in this situation.  It's difficult to ignore those voices, or tune them out, because I'm terrified.  Whenever I try to grit my teeth and face the reality of what I have to do, the anxiety overwhelms me, I get an asthma attack and have to lie on the couch and watch cartoons until I am distracted enough to do what is necessary to take care of my son.  It's taken me three days to write this forum post, because I have to focus on my situation in order to describe it, and it isn't long before I'm overwhelmed again.

    I'll be damned if I'm going to slink back to my parents' house, because I know there will be no resisting the seductive lure of a life of aimless complacency, where I can lose myself in my books and my games and turn my back on reality.  I don't want to be that person anymore!  I am so much more in control of my ADHD now, but that has been the easy work- the hard work is to rewrite the habits built up over a lifetime of oblivious dependency, and I don't know where to begin.  Every step before me is fraught with anxiety and depression, and I don't have the luxury of finding a way to cope, I have to act now.

    I've spent my life sleeping in my safety net, and now it's broken, and I'm falling fast.  I know I am not the only one who has walked this path, and it seems reasonable that at least some of those people somehow learned to fly on their own before they hit the ground.  I don't know what posting this message might accomplish, but I need to at least try to reach out in the face of this black hopelessness, and maybe find something to help me slow my fall.  I'm so sorry; I've always been sorry, but I'm past the point where I can make things right with words instead of actions.  

    Help.  ~R

     

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