Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • "The Games ADD People Play" by: PoisonIvy 11 years 5 months ago

    These are from the book "Healing ADD" by Daniel Amen.  (Thank you to whoever on this forum recommended his books.  They contains lots of insightful information.)

    Here's what he has to say about these "games":  "Many people with ADD unconsciously, based on brain-driven (not will-driven) mechanisms, play ADD games as a way to boost adrenaline and stimulate their frontal lobes.  These games just seem to happen.  No one plans for them to happen.  Most ADD people deny that they engage in these behaviors."

    1) Let's have a problem.

    2) I bet I can get you to yell to me or hit me.

    3) My thoughts are more terrible than your thoughts.

    4) It's your fault.

    5) No, no way, never, you can't make me do it.

    6) I say the opposite of what you say.

    7) I say the first thing that comes to mind.

    8) Let's call it even.

    9) Fighting as foreplay.

    Games 3) and 4) are the ones my husband plays the most.  4) is, in fact, the biggest problem in our relationship and the one I can't get past.  

    Generally, I think it's fascinating that people with ADHD seem to use conflict as a stimulant, particularly conflict that they quietly instigate and appear to not be actively participating in.  It seems that what some experts see as withdrawal on the part of the person with ADHD might actually be an attempt to draw the other person further into conflict.

  • Struggling to cope with my husbands adult ADHD/OCD by: utterlyhopeless 11 years 5 months ago

    So for a very long time I have resolved that I was was stuck in an abusive marriage. I stumbled upon this site.  I had no idea that adhd had such devastating symptoms.  I don't want to go into too much detail about the dynamics of our relationship but I will say I am older than he by several years, been married before, and have 3 children from a former marriage. I knew something was different in our relationship early on.  He would bait me into arguments, use force to keep me engaged if necessary, use anger as a fear tactic.  I had always resolved that somehow I hadn't handled the situation correctly or that I caused him to react that way. Over time I have learned his "triggers" which honestly seems like everything these days. I call it the blame game, but every time I bring up my feelings "I am playing the victim".  Or every time I show any emotion or bring up any serious issues He runs to his shop and stays.  He doesn't want to see me, talk to me, and definitely not work on resolving the issue at hand.  He runs from any amount of confrontation and says I intimidate him.  He has little to no responsibility around the house. I hold all the financial responsibility for the home. He spends little to no time with me and the girls.  He owns his own business which he is always "waaaay" behind and says this is the reason he has to sleep at his shop.  After reading the forums I see that our 5 year relationship follows most typical adhd relationships.  The hyperfocus stage in our relationship is gone and I am left with the aftermath.  Several times in our relationship and marriage whenever life gets too real he will leave.  Pack all his stuff and be gone. He always claims to everyone else I kicked him out. I was really hurt by the fact that he moved in with friends once and paid them rent money!!!! He never paid me rent money!  I am at my whits end and feel the only way to salvage my sanity is to move on. With out him in my life.  We went to visit him at his shop the night before last and we interrupted a program he was watching, which set him off, then my youngest daughter was too loud in the hall which set him off.  We feel like we are a problem to him and cant do anything right. Out of hurt feelings and my frustration as well I decided to take the girls home.  When I get home I call him to tell him that he hurt my feelings and made us feel unwelcome. We just wanted to spend time with him because he's never home. He immediately gets angry and and says of course Im playing a victim. and I need to grow up.  He's not gonna do this with me.  blah blah blah. So he ignored me for the rest of the night. and the next morning texts me to tell me to stay away from his shop. So i did as he asked, stayed away, didnt call him, didnt text him. And this morning I wake up to see on facebook that he drove quite a few miles away to go have dinner with friends last night.  He cant even drive five minutes to come home. I am trying not to let his behavior hurt me but I feel he does this maliciously.  He has talked several times to me about medication.  He knows he needs it.  I feel it is the last option we have to save our marriage.  But I know him, If I tell him he needs to get on meds or Im gone....he will refuse out of sheer spite. And at this point he's not talking to me and probably wont even try to. Hopeless

  • "I am going to do it!" by: adhdfinance 11 years 5 months ago

    My FH was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I am extremely upset with him always saying he is going to do something, and then never actually doing it. Honestly the only way things get done, is when I get on his case demanding that he does it RIGHT now! I am tired of that method. Recently, when things need to be done by a specific date, what I have done is put it into his phone with 2 day reminders. Well, apparently when something needs to be done by a Saturday deadline, he thinks its perfectly fine to have it completed by Monday. And that's with me asking why its not done yet.

    I am not sure if he is using his ADHD as an excuse, or its his way of trying to get me to give him more time (or do it myself) but I through a bit of a tantrum yesterday. I pretty much said, "take your ADHD and shove it!"

    I know he has ADHD, but come on, its not any reason to not complete something on time. He has reminders in his face!

  • Who is Responsible for Feelings? by: PoisonIvy 11 years 5 months ago

    I had sidetracked another topic, so I decided to start a new one here.

    Yesterday, Melissa said the following:

    "So 'I'm feeling really sad right now because I feel lonely when you are distracted' is less likely to put your husband on the defensive than 'you never pay attention to me and that hurts.'"

    I asked my husband point blank this afternoon the following:  whether he could conceive of ever being in a place emotionally in which, if I said, "I feel sad when..." and the "when" thing concerned something he had done, he would not take this as a personal attack or as something that he should feel was his fault.  He said, "I don't understand that thing with 'I' statements."  He then said that he thinks if I say, "I feel sad when [he does such and such]," I am saying that he made me feel a certain way.  He feels responsible for my reaction.  

    I can't abide staying the rest of my life in a relationship in which I'm on notice that if I share my feelings, even with an "I" statement, my husband will feel responsible and all that comes with that, for him:  guilt and inability to function.  

     

  • ADHD partner acts ruthlessly and never listens to me by: nagginghousewife 11 years 5 months ago

    My partner is 22 and I am 25.  We have a daughter together and she is 7 months old.  He has an ADHD diagnosis and I have high functioning Aspergers, although really I am the only adult in the house and I run around all day micro managing everything and I am the only one with any sense of urgency.  He is terrible with money, time keeping, turning up for important things, keeping a routine you name it.  He claims disability living allowance and I act as his carer but I think that with my support he is capable of finding and holding down a job and he's not doing anything worthwhile with his time apart from staying in bed and gaming.  He has no idea how to budget and if he wants something he has to have it whether we have the money or not unless I am willing to have an all out row with him.  We are on a tight budget because neither of us work, I have to be home to care for the house and our daughter otherwise everything would fall to pieces.  Our daughter is also still breastfed and needs me throughout the day.  My partner has drawn up huge debts with the catolougues and I am gradually paying it off with the money we get.  We have little for food but I manage to do shopping.  I cannot take my partner shopping with me otherwise he fills the trolley up with pointless items like huge bottles of coca cola, walker's crisps and Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream at it's full price when we cannot afford these things.  He is a brand snob and does not choose proper food.  There is then a row in the supermarket and I end up feeling immensly stressed out.  He has no sense of urgency.  He has an unplanned overdraft with the bank right now and he will not negotiate with them or threaten to switch to another bank.  Another thing is he's very trusting of all authourity figures.  He thinks that the bank is there to help him and it's his friend.   He thinks the same of all corporations that are only out to exploit people.  There is no telling him otherwise.  He develops brand and company loyality and he we get ripped off and screwed over all the time.  He's with Lloyd's tsb and they are the worst in the UK.  We have been in debt triangles with them forever because he ends up like £5 overdrawn for 3 weeks and ends up with huge charges.  This doesn't happen with my bank but he won't listen.  He never takes anything I say seriously and he is full of bad decisions.  These bad decisions do not only effect him but me and our daughter too.  He was supposed to go to a training course with a guarenteed security job at the end but he didn't turn up because he had been up all night playing call of duty.  I tried to drag him out of bed and there was a huge row.  I am so stressed right now I am losing sleep every night and I am exhausted and burnt out all the time.  Please don't critisise me, I critisise myself enough as it is.   I don't need other people telling me what I already know is wrong with my life as I feel like enough of a failure already.

  • How can I get him to stop bad talking me and talking about our personal business. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 11 years 5 months ago

    We are going great for some time,he was very generous and loving,cooking and pampering me,taking me nice places,buying me presents/gifts.Organizing dinner reservations and being a great husband.I was a bit worried that it would not last long b/c i did not want us to be out of love at no time.When we are in love he is great and things seem up to specks.

    He was complaining about not feeling well since last week,I did everything I could to help him,I gave him massages,fed him treated him with love.He told me yesterday he thinks that his blood pressure is high and that he was going to the bank first then to test his blood pressure,then after pick me up to go to the grocery,I told him no problem.The bank is not far from me so I decided to go meet him there.He was at the desk when I reached and so I sat down waiting on him,but he did not know I was there.I felt that maybe I should go so that I would accompany him to the doctors after.I sat there for 35min and I found that strange because it would never take that long seeing he was already at the counter.I looked through the door only to figure out he was telling the bank girl about his personal life,our marriage and his money making business and I thought to my self why is he doing this..I already knew that he was trying to hit on the girl almost immediately! I can't understand why he would do that.I mean he was leaning over her desk,talking a lot,He was trying too hard.The girl clearly was not in to him,then he handed her his business card with his phone number.I sat there all the while and he never even noticed me through the glass door.He glanced at me but still did not notice me there.

    last night in a text he told me that I came there like cheaters trying to scope him out,when in fact I went there because he was not feeling well,a week prior to that he started bragging to one of his neighbors about how much money he is making and how his business is taking off..I told him to stop telling people his personal business but he can't stop!! I told him he needs to keep finances between us and no one should know about these things.When I sat there at bank waiting on him his transaction was completed but he still stood there talking to the bank woman and would not stop bragging about his money and work and house,our marriage hell I would not be surprise if he told her I am a lousy wife,which I am not.When he saw me after he was through with his gossip,he was so dumb struck I was there he could not even open the door.I asked him why he took so long and why he could not just talk about the weather and get over your transaction and be done.He got mad,started cursing me in the bank and few people heard then ran to his car and drove off.Last night he started texting me nasty text messages saying,I am possessive and mad and crazy to come at bank posing as cheaters..

    I need help with this one,it's hard for me to comprehend seeing we were doing so well,I don't want to end things because of his mouth,but rather try and fix it..can anyone tell me what to do? should I let him be? should I stay away from him for some time let him know I am serious about this? we don't live together so maybe I can stay away this weekend...I have no idea how to go about this..i was thinking maybe It"s time we gave the relationship a long break,let him date or maybe observe his options.I think he is not happy with me and can't say it,yep,I should just leave him to be,but when I do he comes back crying sad stories....

    lovehurts.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Engaged to an adhd man who is addicted to porn/anonymous by: fedupfiancee 11 years 5 months ago
    Well by the title alone you can tell I'm ready to run in the other direction!! I have been in a relationship with a man off and on for seven years and last year after talking to his mom I find out he was diagnosed with adhd as a child though he is not currently being treated. This set off a light bulb for me bc he has anxiety, depression and ocd (brushes his teeth ten times a day). And has a fetish for porn/porn stars. Ive addressed how this behaviour has bothered me (I have his passwords he gave me to his emails and thats how I found out) and he appologized but I think he just gets better at hiding it. In addition to that, he blames me whenever we fight, and then takes his actions a step further. For instance we had an argument recently and I hung up on him. He calls me back and we work things out. Things seemed fine until I found out recently that he started up a dating profile( through his emails) online on the date of our fight! I logged in and saw a bunch of women he wanted to meet and some saved as his favorites) I asked him is this how we handle fights now, and he responded that it was stupid and he did it without thinking but it was my fault for pushing him away! He knows Ive been on his tail now because I found him on another dating site and logged in and he has since emptied his inbox and outbox. We currently live in two different states (Im in Texas and he's in Florida) and and I havent talked to him about counselling yet but he wants to attend church with me, but Im getting serious cold feet. I told him I dont trust him at all but he wants to move out here, but when we bicker sometimes he'll tell me that he is giving up his family (his mom is depressed and probably has adhd) to move out here and marry me. I just dont know what to do anymore. Ive told him to just stay there, but he claims he is determined to make this work...but I don't believe anything he says.
  • Therapy by: jackrungh 11 years 5 months ago

    Insurance coverage kicked in on the 1st. Had my first session this morning. We pretty much picked up where we left off, and anyone reading my posts here will have a fairly good outline of the discussion. She thought my reconnection with messy feelings regarding my symptoms and their consequences was really healthy. She agreed that I was looking at it from a clinical, philosophical perspective when we did sessions a few months ago, and that more productive progress can be made when I'm (as she said) "in the muck."

    Tomorrow I have an appointment with the MD to review medication. Vyvance did nothing noticable at 30mg or 40mg. Hoping something else will make this a bit easier.

  • Well..... by: lauren07 11 years 5 months ago

    The U-haul is packed and is towing the car. I have a long, long drive ahead. It's so bittersweet. I want and NEED to leave and I'm excited to return home, but I'm so sad to leave him behind and take our son away with me. He's a wonderful person underneath the ADHD, depression, and low self esteem. I just can't carry it all anymore. Still, I look forward to his arrival next year. I'm sure (I sure hope that) we'll be great friends and parents. 

  • Help managing impulse control by: RoadtoRecovery 11 years 5 months ago

    I recently became diagnosed for ADHD and OCD. I have suspected both for years but never encountered a reason to learn more about their long term effects undiagnosed. Looking back I can see just how much I have been affected as well as those around me, especially the ones I love. I am now 4 months into trying to make changes for myself and in my marriage. I am taking generic extended release Aderrall daily, along with multi vitamins and fish oil.

    For the first three months both my wife and I noticed a significant change and things were in the right track. However, the 4th month was rough. Im still processing how much this has affected myself and those around me and can sometimes get very depressed, especially when I dont control my symptoms and backslide on the way I act or react to my wife and child. We have a 14 month old girl who is the dearest thing to my heart next to my wife. During this month, we went one two trips, one for business, and one for family. In between those trips, i spent a week on call. The weekend we returned from our second trip, we hosted a large bbq at our house. All  of these events back to back compiled a massive amount of stress on me and completely overwhelmed me. In our relationship, I am the breadmaker, the cook, the maid, and the evening nanny. My wife works evenings and on weekends with two different jobs. I work from home during the day and also often get stressed due to interruptions from my wife or daughter. This has left very little time for us in between all of the other stresses in our hectic lives to work on our marriage other than some time individually whenever we can find free time between taking care of our child, cleaning our large house, and taking care of two 50 lb dogs who we love dearly.

    We have been trying to work on putting new systems in place like calendars, checklists, chore lists, and sticky notes but with all the stress and travel this past month was just a spontaneous mess and I treated my wife unfairly on more than one instance throughout the month in reaction to situations that were really out of my control anyway. I really would love some advise from others in our situation adhd or non that on how to deal with stress and not letting the overwhelming feeling lead me to impulses driven by anger. Is there additional medication I can pursue to help calm the angry impulses? Any techniques would also be helpful. I know excercise is one of the best and that is one thing I really need to add to my new routine. I quit gaming when I decided to get diagnosed which was my previous stress reliever but was detrimental to my marriage and since then I really havent replaced it with anything constructive. I just clean the house which can be therapeudic to me but it definitely isnt excercise. Any good books to read on stress and anger management? Im also goin to speak more in depth to my therapist about recent events and ways to cope.

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